101saddaughter

Hi, this is my first post. My Dad has always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but everything became 100 times worse when mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She died three years ago. He's not been in work since and has now left completely.

I stopped having regular contact with him six months ago because his behaviour began making me ill and impacting negatively on my teenage boys.

Recently he got arrested for drink driving so I've had to be involved more frequently again. I hadn't realised but he is drinking three to four litres of vodka every day.

How is that even possible? I can't understand how his body is surviving. It his killing us seeing him killing himself. I have no idea what I can do, I feel like I've tried everything.

trailmix

Hi saddaughter, sorry this is happening.

First things first. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. Sobriety and recovery are really about the addicted person doing what they have to do. No amount of nagging or straight talking, generally, will get through until the alcoholic is ready.

So based on what you have said, he has been drinking alcoholically for some time.

Like any addiction, it progresses, while when you first drink 2 drinks might have you laughing, by the time this has gone on for years and the person has crossed the line in to alcoholism, that absolutely won't suffice.

The absolute best thing you can do is learn as much as you can about alcoholism. Have your heard of or every attended Al-Anon? While AA is for the alcoholic, Al Anon is for the friends and families of alcoholics. Meetings are held regularly in most areas. It can be good to have face to face support and someone to call if you have a question. You will also learn tools to cope.

Of course you have us now for support as well and to help answer your questions.

We have a stickies section up at the top of the forum here, there are some posts here that you might find helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

SmallButMighty

I am so sorry you are dealing with such a sad situation. And I am sorry for the loss of your mum.

My dad was an alcoholic too. It eventually cost him his health and then his life. It's a heart breaking thing to watch. My heart goes out to you.

There isn't anything you can do. Your dad is an adult man, making adult choices. The fact that they are poor choices isn't your fault, or your responsibility. You can decide how much you choose to expose yourself and your children to his poor choices.

There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I highly suggest you read this book or listen to the audio version. You do not have to identify as a "codependent" to learn a lot of valuable information from this book. It teaches those of us who love addicts how to look after ourselves in spite of what they do or don't do.

I know you love your dad and I know how much it hurts to watch him drown himself in a bottle. As I said, I watched my dad do it... but I also watched my first husband do it too... for more than 20 years, until I decided to leave him to save my own sanity. I understand how painful loving someone with an addiction is. I know how it can make a person feel crazy and helpless. I am sorry you are having this experience, but I am glad you reached out here, I hope you stick around and keep talking with us.

*hugs*

trailmix

I also wanted to clarify one thing I posted, when I mentioned learning about alcoholism, I meant for you, not so you can help him. Just so you know what to expect.

I also wanted to ask about the above. Since the DUI why are you having to be more involved?

FeelingGreat

At the moment it seems like he's drinking himself to death. Has the DUI had any effect on him, like shocking him or him talking about becoming sober?

I take it you've gotten involved with his life again because of the DUI, and the realisation of how much he's drinking? It will probably be the same old cycle of you trying to get him to stop, and not succeeding, while it's costing you your mental health, so getting support for yourself will be important. Have you looked up Al-anon (for the relatives, not the drinker)? Many people on this forum have found help there.

There are some things you might be able to help with if he can't cope, like a doctor's check up, or arranging meals delivery. I can understand you don't want to abandon him completely, being your father, as long as you realise you can't stop him drinking. Is there any way of getting the car keys off him, with his agreement, seeing he saw fit to drive drunk? If he really is drinking the amount of vodka you say, there's never going to be a time where he doesn't have alcohol in his system and he should never be driving.

He may get to the point of such disgust with himself that he wants to stop. At this point it can be useful to arrange for detox and even rehab if he's not able to, just to get him started. Detoxing on his own with that intake can be extremely dangerous.

I know it feels like someone has to do something, and if that could stop him drinking I'm sure you would do it, but you know that decision has to come from him.

101saddaughter

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your responses.

I haven't been to al-anon meetings but will look into any in my local area, thank you.

I'm aware I will never stop him drinking. I've also accepted the fact he is just going to drink himself to death. I lost my dad at the same time I lost my mum.

I've had to have more involvement after the DUI because he's not capable of organising a solicitor or getting himself to court, so I've had to do/plan all of that.

It's quite horrific to see how his appearance has deteriorated in just a few months.

Also, I immediately took the keys and his car is now parked outside my house. I don't understand why the shops are selling him four, one litre bottles of vodka at a time either.

These have been our local shops for twenty years. They knew my mum and dad well. I've since moved away so haven't been a regular for about five years, but it tears me up. Surely they've noticed the horrific change from a professional competent business man, to someone who looks homeless and like he is in the moderate stages of parkinsons disease. It breaks my heart and makes me feel angry too.

I'm very good with self care, the work I do helps others with that so I've been taking my own advice, but it doesn't stop the effects of the stress from coming out physically.

Thank you so much everyone.

velma929

" I don't understand why the shops are selling him four, one litre bottles of vodka at a time..."

It's illegal where I live to sell alcohol to someone who is already drunk. Therefore, it would make sense to buy all one's booze in the morning, while one is relatively sober. I don't know what the laws are where you are.