He Wants to Try Again
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
He Wants to Try Again
Update: My RAXF has a little over five months sober. I do think he is genuinely sober, for what that is worth.
He had begged me several times over the last few months to try again, and I caved after Christmas. We had agreed to talk at a neutral place, and it was so good to see him again. I have missed him, and I do love him, but I don't trust him.
For the first three weeks, it was all great. I've been cautious and clear to say we are NOT dating, just seeing where this goes. I don't want to sleep with him or move fast or anything like that. All great--until tonight when he texts that he's done with this "probation." I told him I don't think he understands the ramifications of his actions and words back when he was drinking and we broke up, and he shot back a crappy text to me. I shut the conversation down and muted his texts. I'm just not engaging with that BS again.
I want to believe it can be good again, but I don't think so. I've learned to live alone and to get past the worst part of the breakup. I've also been super strong on my boundaries. Not sure where to go from here, other than just sticking to the boundary. Sigh.
He had begged me several times over the last few months to try again, and I caved after Christmas. We had agreed to talk at a neutral place, and it was so good to see him again. I have missed him, and I do love him, but I don't trust him.
For the first three weeks, it was all great. I've been cautious and clear to say we are NOT dating, just seeing where this goes. I don't want to sleep with him or move fast or anything like that. All great--until tonight when he texts that he's done with this "probation." I told him I don't think he understands the ramifications of his actions and words back when he was drinking and we broke up, and he shot back a crappy text to me. I shut the conversation down and muted his texts. I'm just not engaging with that BS again.
I want to believe it can be good again, but I don't think so. I've learned to live alone and to get past the worst part of the breakup. I've also been super strong on my boundaries. Not sure where to go from here, other than just sticking to the boundary. Sigh.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I have to say, the strength you've shown with this is great. First you are happy to see him and he's been sober a few months - all good.
But then, you take it slow, not even really dating, just hanging out and seeing where it goes.
Then this turn.
That's not predictable, but most people don't hang out waiting to see how it goes, but you did.
It doesn't sound like he has much more remorse (or patience) than he did back in October when you moved and he was "helping". Remorse aside, he may know what he did but not want to face it, either way that doesn't bode well for the relationship, as you know.
Jumping back in to that particular fire, when you have come so far (you sound rather content or at least settled in your own place) would be a disaster at this juncture. Do you think he is still sober btw or has he lost patience on a drunk night?
But then, you take it slow, not even really dating, just hanging out and seeing where it goes.
Then this turn.
That's not predictable, but most people don't hang out waiting to see how it goes, but you did.
It doesn't sound like he has much more remorse (or patience) than he did back in October when you moved and he was "helping". Remorse aside, he may know what he did but not want to face it, either way that doesn't bode well for the relationship, as you know.
Jumping back in to that particular fire, when you have come so far (you sound rather content or at least settled in your own place) would be a disaster at this juncture. Do you think he is still sober btw or has he lost patience on a drunk night?
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TriStrong........there is a saying in recovery circles-----"If you want to see just where a recovering alcoholic is....just tell them "No".
I think he is letting you know.
After all, there is more than one set of needs and desires in this (or any) relationship.
Alcoholics are famous for wanting what they want and wanting it Now. Deferred gratification is usually not a strong suit.
I don't think he really gets you.
I think he is letting you know.
After all, there is more than one set of needs and desires in this (or any) relationship.
Alcoholics are famous for wanting what they want and wanting it Now. Deferred gratification is usually not a strong suit.
I don't think he really gets you.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 22
^ Yes sounds like he is wanting his ‘reward’, which might indicate that he has a fair way to go in his recovery and level of awareness.
I think it was a good call on your part not to engage. Text is a particularly bad medium for these kinds of conversations anyway, which ideally should happen in person when you can hear tone, see body language, and respond and adjust to the person in front of you.
I think it was a good call on your part not to engage. Text is a particularly bad medium for these kinds of conversations anyway, which ideally should happen in person when you can hear tone, see body language, and respond and adjust to the person in front of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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You sound like you are in a good and strong and wise place. I can't read anyone's mind, so I don't know what he's thinking, but it sounds as though you have your answer as to whether or not it would yet work out with him. Engaging in text wars is futile, and I'm glad you had the strength of mind to shut that down.
Take good care of you
Take good care of you
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Sobriety is just the first doorway into recovery. Is he in recovery or just sober? If he isn't actively working on all of the issues that underlie the drinking, then he is largely the same guy as before. A sober baby is still a baby.
The reason that drunks latch onto us (and we onto them) is because so many inner resources are lacking. People cling to each other despite all the crap because they fear the geyser of issues that solitude can bring up. If he is on his own and not involved with a healthy community (or at very least, a trusted advisor/therapist/clergy member/counselor) in which to explore the issues that are erupting for him in sobriety and solitude, then of course he is going to cling to the only emotional lifeboat he knows: you.
The reason that drunks latch onto us (and we onto them) is because so many inner resources are lacking. People cling to each other despite all the crap because they fear the geyser of issues that solitude can bring up. If he is on his own and not involved with a healthy community (or at very least, a trusted advisor/therapist/clergy member/counselor) in which to explore the issues that are erupting for him in sobriety and solitude, then of course he is going to cling to the only emotional lifeboat he knows: you.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
It sounds like he needs to work on his recovery first. He’s obviously not ready to be in a healthy relationship, yet. After 3 weeks he’s already pushing your boundries, and that’s not okay. Good for you for recognizing this and being pro active.
It sounds like maybe he’s talking the talk (sobriety) but not 100% into his own recovery? The minute the going got tough, he got going. His actions...not words
If I may, it also sounds like you’re still struggling with some issues too. You mentioned you still don’t trust him. You also brought up dealing with the repercussions from his past actions. I understand how hard this is. I do hope you are actively involved with a recovery/self care program of your own. You need to come first for a change!
It sounds like maybe he’s talking the talk (sobriety) but not 100% into his own recovery? The minute the going got tough, he got going. His actions...not words
If I may, it also sounds like you’re still struggling with some issues too. You mentioned you still don’t trust him. You also brought up dealing with the repercussions from his past actions. I understand how hard this is. I do hope you are actively involved with a recovery/self care program of your own. You need to come first for a change!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I want to believe it can be good again, but I don't think so.
I've learned to live alone and to get past the worst part of the breakup.
Not sure where to go from here, other than just sticking to the boundary. Sigh.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Thank you. It took a lot of work to get to where I am emotionally. And support from great friends.
I think he’s sober but there are still some things that don’t make sense to me. I could be looking for things that aren’t right, but in the end, I guess it doesn’t matter. He reverted to the very behavior that made me stay away before. I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism or using or what. I’m exhausted and over it regardless.
I had so hoped we would be one of those couples who defy the odds but clearly there’s a reason those odds are there.
I think he’s sober but there are still some things that don’t make sense to me. I could be looking for things that aren’t right, but in the end, I guess it doesn’t matter. He reverted to the very behavior that made me stay away before. I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism or using or what. I’m exhausted and over it regardless.
I had so hoped we would be one of those couples who defy the odds but clearly there’s a reason those odds are there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
So true, dandylion. He has not taken any of my NOs well. No putting a label on it. No elaborate fates. No sex. No being exclusive (though I’m not dating anyone in truth but I wasn’t going to become a couple again just like that).
Originally Posted by dandylion 
TriStrong........there is a saying in recovery circles-----"If you want to see just where a recovering alcoholic is....just tell them "No".
I think he is letting you know.
After all, there is more than one set of needs and desires in this (or any) relationship.
Alcoholics are famous for wanting what they want and wanting it Now. Deferred gratification is usually not a strong suit.
I don't think he really gets you.
I think he is letting you know.
After all, there is more than one set of needs and desires in this (or any) relationship.
Alcoholics are famous for wanting what they want and wanting it Now. Deferred gratification is usually not a strong suit.
I don't think he really gets you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
I agree, hazy. But he wasn’t interested in seeing each other to talk about this and frankly, it’s not my job to make him. If he truly wants this to work, he’d make the effort.
Originally Posted by hazy
^ Yes sounds like he is wanting his ‘reward’, which might indicate that he has a fair way to go in his recovery and level of awareness.
I think it was a good call on your part not to engage. Text is a particularly bad medium for these kinds of conversations anyway, which ideally should happen in person when you can hear tone, see body language, and respond and adjust to the person in front of you.
I think it was a good call on your part not to engage. Text is a particularly bad medium for these kinds of conversations anyway, which ideally should happen in person when you can hear tone, see body language, and respond and adjust to the person in front of you.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
If there's no trust and respect I don't think a relationship -- a healthy one -- is possible. Is he sober and for how long? I'd give it at least a year. Is he actively working a program? If not he's just dry and likely to drink/use again.
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