fishkiller

Full of all of that right now.
Just hit me out of nowhere.

SoberRican

Sorry you feeling that way. How long have to been off the sauce? If you dont mind me askin?

fishkiller

No need to feel sorry for me but thanks.
2 weeks

Just pissed at myself .
I've been a selfish bastard.

SoberRican

Whoa whoa whoa . hey I get it my friend. We ALL get it. All them feeling go with the territory. You have a couple of weeks thats good. Keep doing it one day at a time brother. Things Will get better. Trust me when I tell this. Now I'm at day 270 from being a booze hound for 30 plus years you can do it. ✌ can't see what's in front of you looking in the rearview mirror feel me ✌

Cityboy

That stuff was all part of the cycle of drinking for me and has been the most difficult part of turning away from alcohol. It was a causal factor leading me to drink more, and the drinking of course was leading to behavior that created additional issues.

The past behavior is still there, but at least now I can process those thoughts more rationally.

I feel like I can't change the past, but I can learn from past mistakes and move forward.

saoutchik

I think we all go through it at some stage fk. It's only psychopaths who don't have those feelings. Don't be too hard on yourself, addiction is not a thing people choose.

Whilst we cannot change the past we can at least make peace with it by learning from our mistakes and not repeating them in the future. Quitting long term really does go a long way in giving us back our self respect, that has been my experience at least. That's what we are all doing now I guess, reclaiming a bit of self respect.

SuficintCrlsns

After over a year, I still have waves of these feelings every now and then. Guilt about what I put my family through, time and money wasted... all that. It's actually a good sign, I think, and it represents clarity. Feel it, process it, and move on. Don't beat yourself up over it.

SC

Anna

Fishkiller, I think one of the hardest parts of early recovery is facing who we are and what we did. It's really hard. It's important to remember that you should focus on forgiving yourself. I don't mean forgetting what happened, I mean letting go of the burden of shame and guilt. Those feelings will bring you down if you allow them to. Remember how well you're doing right now.

fishkiller

Thanks Sober!
Hope I didnt come off wrong. I didnt mean to sound ungrateful.

I'm ok just had a moment.
I appreciate the quick reply. Just needed to get it out.

fishkiller

Yep. Same.

I just went from ok to a mess in 0 seconds flat.

fishkiller

Thanks!

fishkiller

What I put my family through is what got me.
Im ok now.
Thanks

fishkiller

Thanks Anna

The only way I can make it up to them is to stay sober.

Surrendered19

I struggle with that mightily on Day 70 here. When I look back at my path of destruction, the time with my kids ruined and wasted, the hell I put my ex-wife through, there are moments when I cannot take it and I think that I am beyond redemption. The people who love me the best will forever be harmed by what I did to them. It is the most difficult thing I've had to deal with sober. But I tell myself that is part of my penance - to never be fully relieved of the burden. I use it as motivation to stay sober.

fishkiller

Thank you

Dee74

Those are tough emotions to deal with but all we can really do is stay on the right path now.

Amends if needed can wait til you're stronger cos they can be quite emotional.

Things really will get better with time and continued recovery.

Just like I have forgiven others in my life, I have to eventually forgive myself too,

Hang in there fishkiller.

D

ShiftHappens

What everyone has said.

These are the things alcohol will use to get you to drink.

Over and ovèr and over again.

Ive had some cringe worthy memories popping up the last few days.

Ive done a lot of reading, I counter those thoughts as best I can, and l let them go.

Im not beating myself up anymore with alcohol or negative thinking

I breathe and let it pass

Wastinglife

I know what you are going through. I am currently going through it too. The emotions are so hard. I can be fine for weeks at a time then just be hit with shame and regret out of nowhere. You aren't alone out there my friend!

fishkiller

Thanks Dee, Shift and Wasting!

Shift, these thoughts have always led me to drink. Just couldnt handle them.
Makes a lot of sense, drink and do dumb sht then drink to forget ds then do more ds cause I drank.🙄
Well this time I am using them to my advantage.
I cant change the past buy I can shape the future as far as my actions go and if I drink again I no doubt will ad to my list of regrets.


Wastinglife, hang in there. This was a rough one so I know how you feel.
I almost didn't post but Im glad I did.

Yall are great

Thanks again everyone!

jr67

Hey fishkiller.

All great responses here. Why am I not surprised.

So it seems this wave of feelings and emotions caught you by surprise and knocked you around a bit, yes fk? But then it subsided in relatively short order? Am I understanding that correctly?

What isn't clear to me is whether you felt you were on the verge of going for the liquid quick fix that we know is anything but. It may be quick, but it ain't no fix. In one of your responses you said that going for a drink would once have been your "go to" reaction. But I don't sense that that was your response this time.

The obvious good news is that cloud passed, and you didn't drink. But it seems that tells you (us) one thing, while if your immediate reaction to the wave of unexpected emotion that swept over you was *not* to think, "I need a drink," but was, "Wow, this hurts, I've been a schmuck in the past, can my friends help me remember I am not that guy any more," that would tell you (us) something different.

In any event, congratulations on a crisis defused.