Now AH says he’s done drinking for good BUT...

Old 01-28-2020, 02:43 AM
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Now AH says he’s done drinking for good BUT...

he refuses to attend even 1 AA meeting, will not seek therapy, has no plan, he won’t even read any literature on alcoholism. And it pains me to say I know he will fail. I know him to well and he’s not in a good place right now. Still drinks daily and heavily. Does that make me a terrible person? Ugh...I know he’s only quacking because I firmed up my boundries and he’s scared we will never get back together (separated for 5 months) He is grasping at straws here. My main concern though is our son. How do I protect him from this? Should I? I will do anything to protect my DS! He’s the main reason I separated from AH, as I was seeing the damage his fathers drinking was having on him. I can’t even deal with this right now. I thought I was in a good place, our son is adjusting well to the separation. I attend Al-Anon, have my families support, me and DS have a great relationship (mamas boy lol) I cannot go backwards.

I know my husband well and he will tell our son he’s done drinking. My son will get his hopes up as he loves his dad and will believe him. So how do I intercept this exchange? Do I tell his dad not to tell our son or do I let it play out? I’m feeling stuck between staying on my side of the street and once again trying to “control” the situation. Anyone been in this situation? I’d love some suggestions...

PS: Our son is almost 15 and the only child still living at home (with me)
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Old 01-28-2020, 02:52 AM
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Hi FG, its a classic case of watch the actions, forget the words. If I read you correctly he's still drinking at present? So he has nothing to fail at.

I myself didn't use AA or any other program, so I don't agree that it's absolutely essential, but given the other signs from your AA I'd say you're right. Before I gave up drinking for good I had so many attempts, and was just white-knuckling. I could give up for a while but always started again. I'm sure I could have used AA then, but I wasn't at that stage of admitting I needed it.

It's hard for your son though. Is he old enough to be sceptical of his father's words ? I suppose it will be a learning process for him over the next few years (assuming AH doesn't become sober), and it will be tough but necessary. Is he seeing a therapist or going to a group?
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Old 01-28-2020, 03:25 AM
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Well....he can't both be 'done drinking' and 'drinking heavily and daily'.

So, I would definitely watch his actions. I don't know what to say about your 15 yo son. I suppose if it were me, I think I would just try not to future trip about what your husband may or may not say to your son. You may have 2 options here. 1) wait and watch and see whether or not your husband says anything to your son; 2) talk to your son yourself "Your Dad told me today that he is through with alcohol. I'm telling you because I thought you should know. Although it would be great if it's true, I'm taking a wait and see approach."

I hope your husband will somehow find his way to real recovery. Take care of you and your son!
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Old 01-28-2020, 03:44 AM
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FeelingGreat - Since we no longer live together I’m not sure of his drinking habits anymore. But plenty of evidence that he is still heavy in his addiction. 4 nights ago I was receiving drunken text messages again, this is what prompted me to firm up my boundaries.
I agree with some being able to do it on their own (sobriety) and kudos to them. But my AH has ALOT of other issues he needs to work thru before I ever see any sort of “true” recovery happening. He would be “white knuckling” it for sure.
Our son may be skeptical?? He’s at that odd teen stage, hard for me to guage his responses to “grown up” problems. He is not in any sort of therapy. I have tried to get him to speak with a therapist. He says he's good for now. I won’t push him, he knows it’s available if and when he’s ready.
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Old 01-28-2020, 04:33 AM
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[QUOTE=Seren;7369887]Well....he can't both be 'done drinking' and 'drinking heavily and daily'.

Seren -
Try telling that to my husband (lol)

AH stated his “I’m done” to me last night in person. I told him good luck I hope that’s true. In reality I cannot “hope” anymore. It’s to hard when you’ve been burned so many times before.

He hasn’t told me how long he’s gone without a drink (can’t be more then 4 days ago) when he was drunk texting me. And I didn’t ask, trying to stay on my side of the street.
In the past I have always let things get to far out of control before I would say anything, if I said anything at all. Due to low self esteem, manipulation, under his thumb etc. etc. I am trying to become more pro active. I also don’t want to jump the gun.

I would agree to talk with my son first, but if AH never tells our son or he fails quickly am I bringing this to light when I don’t need to?

All I keep thinking is seeing my son in tears again when we’ve come so far. I’m pretty sure I would lose what little tolerance I have left for AH. This is really the first speed bump I’ve come too as AH has pretty much stayed “sober” in front of our kids, my hard boundary. Yet, he is drinking and gas lighting me from afar still. Yes I know, I’m working on this...I cannot bring myself to go full NC yet. I just ignore his messages and phone calls at night.

* sorry about the quoting, or reply button. I only have my phone to use and I can’t ever seem to get it to work right.
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Old 01-28-2020, 04:41 AM
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I'm in the same situation with my chn - about the same age as yours. I'm trying to strike a balance - not defending AH but nit supporting him either.
I tend to say that he loves them very much, and I don't understand why he needs so much time on his own. I tell them they are both soooo important to me, I love them more than anything, and they will always have me. I don't see the point in putting AH down - I need them to see how I am separating out him and his behaviours, without really telling them how angry I am.
I dont know if I am doing it the best way. It is very hard.
Just keep aiming to be the best Mom you can be, and be waiting in the wings as they figure it all out. That's all we can do.
I've offered them counseling, but they also have the phone numbers of some close family who they respect who they can talk to if they need someone other than their mom!
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Old 01-28-2020, 05:10 AM
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Wombaticus - I’m sorry you’re going thru this to (((hugs))) I completely agree with everything you said. I’m trying to walk the fine line here too.

I’ve taken notice these past few months that our son is not wanting to spend as much time with his dad as he used to. I really do want all of our kids to have a relationship with their dad but I don’t push it like I used to. It hurts me but I keep it to myself. That’s my AH’s problem now (though he still blames me of course) Like you, I just be the best parent I can be.

We will get thru this!
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Old 01-28-2020, 06:53 AM
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It's so hard when teenage kids are involved. My son was 15 as my marriage to his alcoholic father was finally falling apart. My 20yr old daughter was already out of the house.

It's a fine line to walk, trying to protect them but also giving them the space and dignity to deal with things in their own way. That's always the challenge with teenagers, but throw in an addict parent and all that fallout....uuggggg. I "over protected" and it blew up in my face. First by withholding the truth...and then by sharing too much. Everything I said and did came from a place of love, but, it wasn't the right way to handle things. In hind sight, I wish I would have just been honest with my kids about what was going on with ME and then let them figure out their own "stuff" between themselves and their dad. My relationship with my son is still strained because of mistakes I made back then. I have deep regret about that.

I see the extremely sick, enmeshed, codependent relationship my mother has with my brother and I am utterly appalled by it. I can clearly see where I learned that behavior and am glad I decided to break that cycle. I wish I had done it sooner ...but we can't change the past.

I know this stuff is so hard. My mumma heart goes out to all of the parents who are trying to help their kids navigate through having an addict parent. It's heart breaking stuff. Hang in there!
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Old 01-28-2020, 07:40 AM
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You just brought tears to my eyes. I hope it’s ok to say this is one of my fears. This kid has been thru so much I just want to keep him in a bubble.
Not really but...

This situation has bothered me all night and this morning. Maybe I’m giving it to much power? Maybe I’m still trying to act as the “go between” with AH and the kids. I did this for years before our separation. Dang...another aha moment

Thank you for sharing this
I do hope you and your son can mend your relationship ❤️

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Old 01-28-2020, 07:43 AM
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I know my husband well and he will tell our son he’s done drinking. My son will get his hopes up as he loves his dad and will believe him. So how do I intercept this exchange? Do I tell his dad not to tell our son or do I let it play out?
What works for me is to let other people be who they are. I try to be the best me that I can and hope that my actions speak loudly. If I try to control, I have already lost. The best advice I receive comes from the actions of other people and the results that shine through in way they live their life.

I recently talked with a granddaughter about the rocky relationship going on between her older sister and the sister's boyfriend. I initiated the conversation by asking my granddaughter about her opinion of the boyfriend. I think my granddaughter was surprised that an adult asked her opinion rather than trying to tell her what her opinion should be. We talked at great length over a few different things that came up. When she would bring something up, my replies didn't really mention the boyfriend but instead focused more on similar situations that I have encountered and how I dealt with them and with hindsight things that I would do differently today. When our talk concluded, I definitely had warm and fuzzy feelings and a new respect for my granddaughter. I believe the reverse is true as well.
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Old 01-28-2020, 07:52 AM
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Farmhousegal…...I don't think you can protect your son from the Knowledge of his father's alcoholism. As much as we mothers would like to protect our children from all of the negative realities of this world....it is just not possible..
I think that what our job is...is, to prepare them to cope with the realities that they, will, inevitably, be faced with.
It is written by those who are schooled in the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones....especially the children...that it is the dishonesty and lies and denial of the alcoholism that does the most damage.....
I think it is great that you have removed your son from living under the same roof with the alcoholism....because that is a wretched thing for developing children.....and, as you say...he seems to be benefiting from this change.
Personally, I wouldn't say anything about this to your son....nothing about this statement that your husband has made. If he were to quit (which you already know is doubtful) your son will, eventually, see it. If he doesn't quit, you son will see that, too.
I do think that this is one of the "stay on your side of the street" instances.
You can assume that your son knows more than you think he does...and that he thinks about it more than you assume he does.
(I have raised three kids...as I was divorced from their jerk of a father).
Kids... and, even teenagers, often don't have the verbal ability to express their complex feelings and thoughts.
What I found is that they will ask questions or talk in bits and pieces, as they feel "safe" enough to do so. lol...and, they sometimes do it at the oddest times!
***I think that the key principles is to be willing to just listen (most of the time)....and accept that their feelings are valid. They need to know that you will be honest with them....honest, all of the time. They will instinctively KNOW if you re trying to WHITEWASH the truth....or,if you are trying to run interference for your husband....
If you do so...you won't be protecting them...you will be teaching them that they can't trust adults.....they will learn that adults will lie or deny or rearrange reality.
I found that when spending time with kids....doing something relaxed and routine....that the kids will ask questions or make telling statements or observations.....this is when the best conversations come about.
for example....if you and your son are sitting on the edge of the river, fishing....
Or, when you are washing the car, together....or taking a long road trip in the car, together.
You can't always "fix" everything...but, you can always be a compassionate listener...that is , often, all that they are looking for, anyway.....
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Old 01-28-2020, 07:58 AM
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I can only give you my view from the "other side". As a child of an alcoholic that drank my entire childhood (and beyond).

Tell them the truth. If they already know he is an alcoholic, that's good.

- It's not their responsibility (I never thought it was mine, but I know some kids must)
- When someone says something to you or promises you something - Actions, not Words. This is a big life lesson and you help them by sharing it.

They need to know about alcoholism, what it is and how it works. They also need to know none of it is about them. They didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

They basically need to know much of what you know now. Actions not words, how alcoholism affects the mind, that quitting alcohol can be done but it's HARD (and how that works) etc.

Knowledge is power.

Despite them stating they are fine, I would absolutely at least get them some reading material. Al-Anon literature (or Al-ateen if they have different reading).

The only way you can protect them is with knowledge. They are going to be around their Fathers, he is going to say whatever he says you can't stop that.

The only thing you can do is let them know what you know.
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Old 01-28-2020, 08:36 AM
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I can relate to your dilemma here as my son is also 14 and very close to his dad (my XAH) He gets all excited when dad tells him he’s quit drinking or “cut right down” and tells us all that he’s so pleased his Dad is gonna stop ahdvtgsg he really means it this time. But he’s soon back drinking or having “just the one - first in ages”. And son goes quiet and says nothing.

I think my son will only learn sadly through being let down repeatedly 😢 I don’t think we can protect them from it - only be there to support them. The worst thing to do is say “Dad won’t do it” because when Dad doesn’t do it - they won’t want the “I told you so, I knew this would happen” conversation with us.
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Old 01-28-2020, 08:45 AM
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My 11-year-old son told me last week about hearing his father tell a friend about how hard he is working to control his drinking this time. I just nodded and said that I hoped he was able to do that.

A couple of months ago my son teared up when he asked if we might get back together and I said I didn't think so because I didn't think his father was ready to quit drinking. I told him I was sad too and wished that this wasn't happening. He sees what's going on though. He sees his father semi-regularly (more or less every other weekend and some, inconsistent, weekdays)and knows what his life is and what ours is compared to what we've been through the past year or so.
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Old 01-28-2020, 08:46 AM
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What is even more - counter intuitive - is that these men don't realize they are damaging their relationships with their children severely - many beyond repair.
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Old 01-28-2020, 08:47 AM
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I told my children that while Dad may make promises to not to drink, that addiction is very powerful and that his body would begin to crave it. That he would likely give in, and that it did not mean he loves them any less or chooses alcohol over them, that it means he physically and mentally is not strong enough to fight off addiction.
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Old 01-28-2020, 09:06 AM
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As a child of alcoholic, I appreciated honesty and a listening ear.

Maybe don't bring up this "resolution" of your still-drinking husband, but perhaps maybe more generally share information about what alcoholism is and how it works.

I really thought my mom's drinking was my fault for years.
Making it clear that it isn't is invaluable.

I also agree that learning the lesson of "actions speak louder than words" will serve your son in many contexts beyond having an alcoholic parent who says he's quitting while drinking heavily daily.

Wayne Kritsberg "The Adult Child of Alcoholics Syndrome" was a book a therapist shared with me in early recovery from my mom's drinking. It isn't 12 step, but it might be really useful as it explains some of the dysfuntional behavior that builds up in families dealing with drinking, and offers some solutions.

I read the book in my teen years, but it may or may not be right for you son. At any rate, if you can find a cheap used copy or get it from the library, it is worth a look and possibly to share with him.

Getting him out of the alcoholic environment was a precious gift--be proud of yourself for taking that difficult step.
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Old 01-28-2020, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by nez View Post
What works for me is to let other people be who they are.
True, I am still pounding this in to my brain. It’s a hard cycle to break after years of trying to change my husband.
TY for the reminder!
What a lovely story about your granddaughter
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Old 01-28-2020, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by FarmhouseGal View Post
Wombaticus - I’m sorry you’re going thru this to (((hugs))) I completely agree with everything you said. I’m trying to walk the fine line here too.

I’ve taken notice these past few months that our son is not wanting to spend as much time with his dad as he used to. I really do want all of our kids to have a relationship with their dad but I don’t push it like I used to. It hurts me but I keep it to myself. That’s my AH’s problem now (though he still blames me of course) Like you, I just be the best parent I can be.

We will get thru this!
my kids realised their dad wasn't going to be home last night. Their response? 'Yasssss!!'.
yes, we will get through and be there to pick up the pieces.
Hugs right back!!
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Old 01-28-2020, 12:09 PM
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notice how much unrest this one "statement" has caused you. by an active alcoholic, swearing the oath..........again. as if it were God's truth.

remember also, he said this to you - not to DS. and you have no control over what he DOES say to his son. you can only provide your son with information regarding the disease, it's affects, and how those in active addiction might behave. you do not need to repeat the oath to him verbatim........or at all.

you also cannot predict what your AH will say or do with absolute certainty, nor can you predict how son might react. you have future tripped yourself way, way down the road. based on a few words out of his mouth.

ask yourself WHY are you reacting so much to his words? and why this time? your son is 15. he is the child of an active alcoholic. he may be a lot more savvy and aware than you give him credit for. it's not like any of this is NEW to him. it's what dad does. it's the kind of things dad says.
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