Guilty for wanting to move on
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Guilty for wanting to move on
I met my husband when we were pretty young. We dated for six rocky years and have been married for eleven. At the beginning of last year he was hospitalized with Ascites and liver failure. They were able to reduce his fluids with diaretics and he was released. He was later given the diagnosis of cirrhosis (he’s in his early 30s). He stopped drinking for six months and went back full throttle. He isolates himself. His moods are erratic. He won’t eveb eat unless I feed him. Once he started drinking I felt betrayed. I realized how much manipulation and one sided compromises had filled our marriage. I talked to him. Begged him. Cried. Did everything I could to make him stop. Of course, it didn’t work. I started spending time with old friends. I regained myself worth and strength and put a stop to the codependency that has filled our marriage. He then started accusing me of cheating. Eventually he did so im front of our kids. I left. I’ve been gone a week and told him that I’d try to work it out if he would consider rehab. I received a slew of excuses and gaslighting tactics to rebuke me. He wants to meet in person to discuss this but honestly I don’t see our relationship getting better. He doesn’t really want to stop. I think I’m at the breaking point because i don’t want to live another seventeen years like this...but I feel so guilty for leaving him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Madmenonly……...I think that you must realize that the "guilt" is really a false guilt. You have done all that you could do....and, beyond. As, really....you have no control over him...he does have free will....even if that free will is to his own destruction. You are not God...you are human.
Every time you feel guilty....tell yourself that this is really co-dependency masquerading as guilt.....you might have to tell yourself that 100 times a day!
the bottom line is that if he doesn't want to get to life-long sobriety...you are right---the relationship won't get any better. Alcoholism is progressive and unless it is put into remission by a lot of intense work...the relationship wil continue to degenerate as time goes on.
Now that you are out of the house...it would be in your best welfare...and the welfare of your children...that you stay out. Your being there did not cause him to stop...and, it won't, if you return, either.
If he wants to go to rehab...for himself...Great! He can go....but, it won't do much good if it is just a bargaining chip......He will have to make his own life decisions.....
There is nothing to be gained by letting his alcoholism destroy you and the lives of your precious children. The children will take the damage into their own adult lives.....
You have already taken the big...and, hard leap...to leave....
Get every bit of support that you can and keep looking forward....that is the only way for you to find the kind of life you deserve for yourself and your children.....
You did not do this to him.....
Every time you feel guilty....tell yourself that this is really co-dependency masquerading as guilt.....you might have to tell yourself that 100 times a day!
the bottom line is that if he doesn't want to get to life-long sobriety...you are right---the relationship won't get any better. Alcoholism is progressive and unless it is put into remission by a lot of intense work...the relationship wil continue to degenerate as time goes on.
Now that you are out of the house...it would be in your best welfare...and the welfare of your children...that you stay out. Your being there did not cause him to stop...and, it won't, if you return, either.
If he wants to go to rehab...for himself...Great! He can go....but, it won't do much good if it is just a bargaining chip......He will have to make his own life decisions.....
There is nothing to be gained by letting his alcoholism destroy you and the lives of your precious children. The children will take the damage into their own adult lives.....
You have already taken the big...and, hard leap...to leave....
Get every bit of support that you can and keep looking forward....that is the only way for you to find the kind of life you deserve for yourself and your children.....
You did not do this to him.....
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 7
Thank you. It’s so hard. I see the man I love every morning but he’s gone by the time I’m home from work. In my heart I know I need to go but I hurt for the pain he will feel. You’re absolutely right though. He’s made his choice... By staying I’m only prolonging the inevitable or sentencing myself and my children to the chaotic life we have been living. I just wish I’d come around sooner.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Hi Madmenonly, I don't have words of wisdom to offer, but just want to say that I relate and empathize with with your feelings of guilt for leaving. It's the hardest thing in so many ways to leave the person we thought we'd be with forever. I think many who leave struggle with guilt but it doesn't mean that leaving wasn't the right thing to do.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Madme…….I don't think any of us want to see anyone else in pain....and, it is natural to want others to NOT be in pain. This is a part of our capacity for human compassion.
By the same token...you are entitled to self-preservation.....
And, most of all....think of the pain that it is causing your children for staying under the same roof.....even if you can't see it now....it is causing them damage, inside....
Often, mothers can find the strength to do for their children that they can't find for themselves....
I know that you wish you had made the decision sooner....but, just be grateful that you can make it now. There is no use in looking back....and being sorry for milk that is already spilled.....History will not change itself....no matter how hard we wish....
No matter how much regret you have for the past...it will do nothing but keep you down, ;and, hold you back.....
By the same token...you are entitled to self-preservation.....
And, most of all....think of the pain that it is causing your children for staying under the same roof.....even if you can't see it now....it is causing them damage, inside....
Often, mothers can find the strength to do for their children that they can't find for themselves....
I know that you wish you had made the decision sooner....but, just be grateful that you can make it now. There is no use in looking back....and being sorry for milk that is already spilled.....History will not change itself....no matter how hard we wish....
No matter how much regret you have for the past...it will do nothing but keep you down, ;and, hold you back.....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi Madmenonly, I am really glad that you decided to get out there and regain your self worth!
This is tough, there is nothing good about it. It is never easy when you see a person that you care about self-destructing and know that you can't change that.
He obviously has the option to go to rehab and has basically refused.
Yes, it will probably hurt him, but as you said, he has made his choice. Living with an alcoholic is HARD. I agree with dandylion, now that you are out your best bet is to stay out. If nothing else this gives you time and peace from the noise to get clarity.
This is tough, there is nothing good about it. It is never easy when you see a person that you care about self-destructing and know that you can't change that.
He obviously has the option to go to rehab and has basically refused.
Yes, it will probably hurt him, but as you said, he has made his choice. Living with an alcoholic is HARD. I agree with dandylion, now that you are out your best bet is to stay out. If nothing else this gives you time and peace from the noise to get clarity.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Madmenonly 
I regained myself worth and strength and put a stop to the codependency that has filled our marriage.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 7
My plan is to move one day at a time and to separate myself from the situation. As bad as I feel I know that me being with him hinders him rather than helps him. I haven’t had that final talk with him but I’m building myself up to be firm. I tried the alanon group in my area. It’s not for me. They say they are not religious but they pray Christian prayers and every one of them is trying hard to make it work. I said that I didn’t want my kids to feel like this lifestyle was normal and one lady snapped at me that it was a disease and implied that my way of thinking was wrong. No one backed me up on that. I have a great network of family and friends so my plan is to stick with them.
[QUOTE=FallenAngelina;7369035]GUILT and feeling overly responsible for another adult is a huge aspect of codependency, so there is still more for you to work on. You made strides and that is wonderful, but the codependent thinking did not stop. What is your ongoing program or plan for working on your thought patterns? There is so much that you can do to keep improving your experience
[QUOTE=FallenAngelina;7369035]GUILT and feeling overly responsible for another adult is a huge aspect of codependency, so there is still more for you to work on. You made strides and that is wonderful, but the codependent thinking did not stop. What is your ongoing program or plan for working on your thought patterns? There is so much that you can do to keep improving your experience
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Madmenonly - First off, I’m sorry you’re in this position. We are passengers in the same boat right now. I do believe the guilt you’re feeling is not “true” guilt. It’s more like a survivors guilt. I felt it too. It’s your codependency talking. It’s also your AH’s inner av talking, he’s going to lose his enabler (you) and he will do and say anything to lay the guilt trip on. You are walking away to save yourself and kids. You didn’t come to this decision overnight. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? You said you will only speak to him if he gets into some sort of rehab. Haven’t you already tried this tactic? You cannot hold his hand or force him to do anything if it’s not his will. He knows what needs to done. It has to be his decision to get sober and seek recovery. I too pushed and pushed my ah, I informed him right down to dotting his i’s and crossing his t’s how to go about this. It never happened. My ah is the same as yours, he’s not ready to quit drinking yet. I had to come to terms with this. I really thought he would jump on the sober bandwagon for his wife and kids. Nope. We’ve been separated about 5 months and nothing has changed. Besides me that is. I have sought recovery for myself, thru Al-Anon and this site as well as reading and educating myself in alcoholism and codependency. Please take some time for yourself. I know, that’s a hard concept. Time and space between your ah and yourself will help you gain some clarity and better self care. You will also need to set some firm boundries. Like, rock hard firm. These are to protect you and your kids. Keep telling yourself that. Really, there is only good things that will come from it.
One day at a time is a great place to start
(((Hugs)))
One day at a time is a great place to start
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
I understand that guilt really well and I know it is tough. My estranged partner is going for AA and outpatient therapy post rehab and so I feel even worse because he is trying. What I would say which has helped though is actually trying separation. It's scary but doing so for me was the best thing I could have done. It gives a bit more clarity to think about what do you want. Putting the focus back on you.
So no final goodbyes or anything like that just small steps. Time will give you an answer but you do need to sit with those uncomfortable feelings.
So no final goodbyes or anything like that just small steps. Time will give you an answer but you do need to sit with those uncomfortable feelings.
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" I didn’t want my kids to feel like this lifestyle was normal and one lady snapped at me that it was a disease and implied that my way of thinking was wrong"
And if it is a disease (I'm sort of an agnostic on that) that he refuses to treat: What if he was diabetic, and didn't take insulin or follow the dietary guidelines offered? What if he had depression or bipolar syndrome, and refused counseling and medication? Does that create some kind of obligation to stay and watch the long, slow deterioration?
I guess some would say yes. I have known people who faced these circumstances and said, sadly, no and good-bye.
And if it is a disease (I'm sort of an agnostic on that) that he refuses to treat: What if he was diabetic, and didn't take insulin or follow the dietary guidelines offered? What if he had depression or bipolar syndrome, and refused counseling and medication? Does that create some kind of obligation to stay and watch the long, slow deterioration?
I guess some would say yes. I have known people who faced these circumstances and said, sadly, no and good-bye.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Posts: 821
Originally Posted by velma929
I guess some would say yes. I have known people who faced these circumstances and said, sadly, no and good-bye.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I am so happy you started to find your strength. I am putting this little nugget of wisdom out here for you to think about. You and your AH have been modeling for your children what unhealthy looks like. Maybe its time to model what a healthy individual looks like and the path to make that happen, make no mistake sometime in their life they are going to need to know that they can do what feels impossible, so reassuring to have someone model that no matter how difficult or scary they can always choose how they want to live their life. It's powerful. I get comments weekly, heck they have even thanked me for skills I guess I taught them when I didn't even know it. 
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Your AH doesn’t sound ready to seek recovery so honestly you should not feel guilty about not wanting this lifestyle anymore. And yes alcoholism is a disease but as with most disease there is treatment for it and he is choosing not to get help. And there is nothing you or anyone can do about that. So why should you stick around and watch him slowly kill himself and subject your kids to this? There is only so much we can tolerate and chances are you’ve put up with more and longer than you ever should’ve. You are entitled to happiness whether he is an alcoholic or not. If you are not happy you have every right to leave the marriage, independent of whether he wants to or not.
I gave my RAXH an ultimatum 3 years ago after I had really detached the 2 years prior. It worked because he was himself at the point where he felt he could no longer keep this up. He went to rehab for 90 days, got lots of therapy did lots of meetings etc. But for me it was too late. Speak about guilt for wanting out after your SO actually gets clean and did what you asked him to....I struggled with that a lot and my therapist kept pointing out that if I don’t love him anymore than that is all the reason I need regardless of whether he got sober or not. I wasn’t happy anymore, he had destroyed our relationship beyond repair for me. He was ready to move forward with our relationship but that’s because he was drink for most of it so his actions did not affect his feeling for me because well, he was drunk too often.
Alanon ended up not being for me either but they do say to try out different groups and try at least 6 meetings because not every group is the same. I did get some benefit from it in acute crisis mode but it just wasn’t for me. I found a really good counselor who has a lot of experience with addiction and I saw him weekly for 2 years until we ended up getting divorced, I still see him now about every 6 weeks mostly for maintenance therapy. So if you are not doing individual counseling already I highly recommend it, preferably with someone who deals with addiction a lot. For me it was just better, I don’t like talking in groups so one on one was much better. Also you’ve already found us here and I suspect that will also be a great help.
You need to do what you need to do for you, that will be a huge step away from the codependent trap. I learned it is ok to stand up for what you need or want and that it can be very healthy to be selfish. He has a choice and his choice is to continue to drink. You have a choice and that is to tolerate it or not. You’re not obligated to stick around just because of the in sickness and health. He is choosing to not take care of his health so as someone has pointed out in another post he has also broken his marriage vows by not respecting you by continuing to drink and slowly kill himself. Unless people have lived through this personally they will not really understand what you are going through and so will give you the guilt trip. So better to avoid talking to those people because they will not be of any help. Take care of own your sanity and mental health as well as your kids. Because your h has made a choice not to take of his so you need to do what you need to do for you. You have zero control over him so you can only do what you have control over.
He clearly is not anywhere near wanting to really quit for himself and seek true recovery. And even if he was....it is a hard and long road for both the alcoholic and the SO. It would take at least a good year to really see if changes are real or not so even if he quit now it may still not be a good idea to stay around. He would need to focus 100% on himself and that can be very hard to do while als dealing with a marriage that is bad. Recovery made things a lot worse for me and part of that had to do with that I was finally thinking of me and how I felt about my now ex. I was being honest with myself for the first time. It was hard and there was lots of guilt but I eventually got past that. My ex is still sober which is great because he can finally be a father to our kid but I don’t regret divorcing him at all. I’m much more at peace and even though being single isn’t easy either (because other relationships with couples do change once you are single) I still prefer it over being married to him. I miss intimacy but I didn’t have that with him for a long time. I’ve only rediscovered how nice it is (because I had forgotten really or blocked it out) with a friend of mine that I see once or twice a year. So now that I know what I’m missing again I miss that, but again still not enough to regret getting divorced or just finding someone to fill that need. I really need to be single and learn to be happy and fulfilled on my own before I will be ready to tackle another relationship.
I wish you luck, I know how you feel but please know that you have no reason to feel guilty. You gotta take care of you because no one else will.
I gave my RAXH an ultimatum 3 years ago after I had really detached the 2 years prior. It worked because he was himself at the point where he felt he could no longer keep this up. He went to rehab for 90 days, got lots of therapy did lots of meetings etc. But for me it was too late. Speak about guilt for wanting out after your SO actually gets clean and did what you asked him to....I struggled with that a lot and my therapist kept pointing out that if I don’t love him anymore than that is all the reason I need regardless of whether he got sober or not. I wasn’t happy anymore, he had destroyed our relationship beyond repair for me. He was ready to move forward with our relationship but that’s because he was drink for most of it so his actions did not affect his feeling for me because well, he was drunk too often.
Alanon ended up not being for me either but they do say to try out different groups and try at least 6 meetings because not every group is the same. I did get some benefit from it in acute crisis mode but it just wasn’t for me. I found a really good counselor who has a lot of experience with addiction and I saw him weekly for 2 years until we ended up getting divorced, I still see him now about every 6 weeks mostly for maintenance therapy. So if you are not doing individual counseling already I highly recommend it, preferably with someone who deals with addiction a lot. For me it was just better, I don’t like talking in groups so one on one was much better. Also you’ve already found us here and I suspect that will also be a great help.
You need to do what you need to do for you, that will be a huge step away from the codependent trap. I learned it is ok to stand up for what you need or want and that it can be very healthy to be selfish. He has a choice and his choice is to continue to drink. You have a choice and that is to tolerate it or not. You’re not obligated to stick around just because of the in sickness and health. He is choosing to not take care of his health so as someone has pointed out in another post he has also broken his marriage vows by not respecting you by continuing to drink and slowly kill himself. Unless people have lived through this personally they will not really understand what you are going through and so will give you the guilt trip. So better to avoid talking to those people because they will not be of any help. Take care of own your sanity and mental health as well as your kids. Because your h has made a choice not to take of his so you need to do what you need to do for you. You have zero control over him so you can only do what you have control over.
He clearly is not anywhere near wanting to really quit for himself and seek true recovery. And even if he was....it is a hard and long road for both the alcoholic and the SO. It would take at least a good year to really see if changes are real or not so even if he quit now it may still not be a good idea to stay around. He would need to focus 100% on himself and that can be very hard to do while als dealing with a marriage that is bad. Recovery made things a lot worse for me and part of that had to do with that I was finally thinking of me and how I felt about my now ex. I was being honest with myself for the first time. It was hard and there was lots of guilt but I eventually got past that. My ex is still sober which is great because he can finally be a father to our kid but I don’t regret divorcing him at all. I’m much more at peace and even though being single isn’t easy either (because other relationships with couples do change once you are single) I still prefer it over being married to him. I miss intimacy but I didn’t have that with him for a long time. I’ve only rediscovered how nice it is (because I had forgotten really or blocked it out) with a friend of mine that I see once or twice a year. So now that I know what I’m missing again I miss that, but again still not enough to regret getting divorced or just finding someone to fill that need. I really need to be single and learn to be happy and fulfilled on my own before I will be ready to tackle another relationship.
I wish you luck, I know how you feel but please know that you have no reason to feel guilty. You gotta take care of you because no one else will.
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