knitwit21

Hello.

I'm new to the forum. My husband is a prescription opiate addict, and he purchases the pills -- has never had a prescription that I know of. He has said for several weeks that he's trying to stop, and he's given me a date by which he will be clean -- Feb 1.

The problem, of course, is that while he's "working on it," he's still taking the pills. I want him to take a drug test now to make sure the one I bought from Amazon works. I will also want him to take a drug test in the future, as he's repeatedly lied about his drug use.

My question: is it unreasonable or a bad idea to ask him to take a drug test?

He's left the last two nights (for the first time ever) because he refuses to take a test. Last night when he left, he'd consumed more than a bottle of wine, and I don't know what else he might have had.

When he's home, he's angry and mean, though never physically threatening.

I'm working on dealing with my anger and loneliness. I went to my first Al Anon meeting last week, and I plan to go again this week, but my husband has the car we're sharing since mine is in the shop.

I just need to know if I'm out of my lane in asking him to take the drug test.

Thanks.

HardLessons

Buying prescription opiate pills from drug dealers is very expensive. I would keep a close watch on your bank accounts.

Also buying these drugs from dealers don't know what they are really being made from. They may look the same but many times they are not being made to the same standards as the pharmaceutical companies.

Due to the high expense of these pills off the streets its why so many once addicted move to much cheaper heroin.

If hes addicted to these pills chances are slim to none that he can stop on his own or as he says "working on it". It doesn't work that way.

Drug testing him wont stop it either. You already know he has a major problem.

Going to meetings & educating yourself is the right thing to do for you.

AnvilheadII

even if he agreed to testing after a period of supposed clean time and the test came up dirty, he is almost guaranteed to DENY the results. test is faulty, walked past a poppy field, ate a poppy seed bagel.....partner to partner testing is rarely a successful, recovery building tool. it makes YOU the drug police.

any recovery that does not begin in the NOW but is instead put off for some future date is still active addiction. the more he takes, the more he feeds the beast.

so what happened when you brought up testing? he left. and i don't think he was returning library books. that he buys street drugs, he has contacts out there, and that involves all kinds of nefarious activities and players. in other words - bad news.

this is not something you can fix or change.
you didn't cause it.
you can't control it.
you can't cure it.

you CAN accept what IS. your husband is a drug addict. who is not quitting, regardless of what you say or want. he is taking the sole family car out on drug buys, where anything can happen. it's serious stuff. like it or not, he's also a criminal that just hasn't been caught yet.

you can circle his quit date on the calendar and then see what happens. assuming he misses that date - you then need to consider your options.

knitwit21

Thanks for sharing your perspectives.

I think the chances of his quitting on his own are slim to none, and I suspect he'll resist getting any kind of help. I just don't know what to do. When he's home, he's either quiet and distant and acts like there's nothing wrong, or he's hostile and mean if there's the slightest problem or if I try to talk to him.

I'm working on me. I'm just so angry at him for withdrawing from our lives and leaving me with no car and no idea what he's doing.

I don't want to live with him when he's this way. The trouble is that he's spending money we need on drugs and now hotel rooms.

I guess I need to find a way to make more money so I have more independence. It's hard to focus on anything except how screwed up everything is.

FeelingGreat

Hi nitwit, as you've worked out, he's nowhere near recovery so I wouldn't worry too much about the drug tests. You're going to know he's still using, and he's going to deny it, but you know what you know, and arguing is futile.

I'm wondering what your domestic situation is at the moment. Do you have dependents, a job, joint accounts?

I suggest you keep looking after your mental welfare by detaching as much as possible, but at the same time securing your finances and making sure he isn't getting you into debt, say via a credit card. If you have children this becomes especially urgent. There have been many people on this board who have left only to find their spouse has run up huge debts which they are responsible for as well. There is also liability if he's in an accident from drug driving.

Have a think about what you need to become independent if necessary.

biminiblue

Honestly? I would lawyer-up. Today.

knitwit21

Thanks for the input, even though I don't want to believe things will get that bad. I guess nobody believes it will be that bad until it happens to them.

Our domestic situation: We don't have kids together. My two are adults and out of the house. One of his is an adult and the other is a senior in high school; neither lives with us or visits. He has dinner with his kids several times a month. We both work, though he makes much more than I do. I can change that, and I need to start working on making more money.

We talked a couple of nights ago, and he's still using. Just a tiny amount, according to him, but he hasn't stopped. I should have my car repaired by the end of this week, and even though it's going to be inconvenient, I'm going to close my bank account that he has access to and open another in my name only. I don't have access to his account, so I have no idea what's going on there. He deals in cash a lot. Wow...that's probably a red flag, isn't it?

Dealing with our mutual friends and deciding how much to tell them is difficult. He wants to come home, but he's not willing to make any changes, get help, or even tell me what's going on.

I've given up the drug test request for now. I think I was trying to control a situation that I can't control.

Mostly, I'm just sad.

SmartRose

Knitwit

How are you now? I know this was from January, but I came today to read through posts and get some clarity with my own situation.

Wow, so much of what you read rings true for me as well. My husband also buys pills. Luckily, I haven't given him any access to my bank account, but he has not taken care of his part of bills very often and I have loaned him money. I've only recently realized that it probably all goes to pills...when I truly thought I was helping him. When you said that it was a red flag that you should have noticed...I know just how you feel! But, we want to believe the best in those we love.

I have also thought about asking my husband to take a drug test if he wants to prove that he has quit. But, I don't think he will do it, and I don't really want to live in a relationship like that. So, what do we do? I really can't tell if he is using or not. I don't know if I've ever known him not using.

I also don't know what to tell mutual friends or family.

I am also very sad.

I hope to hear from you about your current situation.

knitwit21

It's been quite a difficult time, but he's clean and has been for about a month-and-a-half. Clean drug tests and no signs or symptoms. Withdrawal was horrible for him, and he did most of it in a hotel room. He's home now, and we had our first joint counseling session last week. He found the counselor, made the appointment, and filled out the paperwork.

He seems to be committed to staying clean and repairing our relationship. I'm vigilant and will be for a long time to come. I've had lots of support, including that of my adult son in recovery (who's doing great, by the way.)

I think my husband's path has been a bit unusual. He didn't get formal, professional help. He didn't go to a meeting. He managed to clean himself up, and I hope like hell he stays that way. I still test him occasionally because I'm not always the quickest at picking up signs he's using. So far, so good.

I wish you the best, SmartRose. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. As far as friends and family, I ended up telling the people I am closest to. My husband wasn't happy about it, but I needed the support. The way I figured it, if he didn't want people to know he was using, he needed to stop using!

SmartRose

I'm glad to hear that your husband went through withdrawal and is staying clean. I'm glad he has also shared that with you and you guys have talked about it.

My husband says he is not using anymore, but I never saw any withdrawal. I saw a therapist, who is also a drug counselor, and she says that you can't just withdrawal without some kind of side effects if you've been using for an extended amount of time. So, I'm feeling that my husband didn't get clean.

My husband refuses to go to rehab. not sure where that leaves us.

knitwit21

I just wanted to update this discussion. It turns out that my husband's path isn't unusual at all. He's using again. He was getting nasty and negative again, along with falling asleep while sitting up on the couch. I thought his pupils looked small and asked him to take a test. He refused and told me he'd "found" some pills in a cabinet.

I'm trying to focus on me and getting the best outcome for my life. I've told him that I won't be with him while he's using, and that his proving he's clean and going to counseling together is the only path forward I see. He told me that he likes taking drugs and wants to be accepted for who he is.

I'm going to make an appointment to see the counselor he and I saw together once (after which he neglected to do any of the homework she gave us.) I want him to go with me, but I can't control his behavior.

This sucks, and I'm stuck home completely alone, while he works every day in an essential business. He's at a hotel for now.

SmartRose

I'm sorry! I think it is a great idea to see a therapist on your own and eventually together. My therapist told me that it isn't worth having couples counseling with an addict until they get their own help.

I feel completely alone too. I want my husband to move out, and he won't. I also feel very stuck. I'm here to talk if you want. Sounds like we are dealing with similar situations.