Hawking22

So far, the best success I've had at staying sober is essentially staying the hell away from everyone (all possible triggers and sources of potential irritation) and not leaving my apartment. I've heard countless times, and I'm certain to a degree, this is not wise or sustainable (like my drinking). A former sponsor told me, "hey, if it works, it works". Allowing myself to sit on the couch, eat cheetos, cry out my frustrations and do puzzles with my phone off has been wonderful. But I know that's not the answer to my recovery, and it's beyond boring. Sure, I'll never drink again, as long as I have no interaction with the outside world whatsoever My goal is to re assimilate and attempt to make amends with how crappy life is in a normal, healthy, accepting way but I really, really want to crawl out of this one. I'll go for a walk and one unplesant interaction has me running back to the bottle.

I suppose my main question is has anyone else felt similar and gone through this? Suggestions, thoughts?

P.S. I know this is probably an extremely unpopular opinion, but I was very involved with AA and NA for the first three attempts at sobriety and am no longer a fan. All I got was a string of worthless sponsors and 13th stepped. After a fairly gnarly relapse, I realized the people I was supposed to feel safest and connected to made me feel the most grief and guilt, more so than my family and friends. I'm well aware of what a piece of sh*t I am, and don't need that reinforced daily. I plan on staying out of the rooms this time except for emergencies, but do plan on engaging with the online community through forums such as this and online meetings. JUST in case anyone assumed that wasn't the first place I went.

biminiblue

I did a lot of inner work around, "letting people get to me," in early sobriety.

I had become really overly-sensitive and entitled as a long-term drinker. I wasn't able to deal with my own reactions to daily interactions.

People can be difficult.

I had to come to terms with that and learn to pray for them, or at the very least wish them well in my own thoughts as I walked away.

It isn't so much how they are. It's my reaction to them I had to work on. They're gonna be how they're gonna be. It's up to me to not let it affect me.

Equanimity.

Anna

I did remove a few people from my life. I distanced myself from my mother who was a major trigger. She didn't live nearby, and I kept phone calls to a minimum. I kept anything personal to myself during those conversations. I learned which people in my life I could trust. I got involved in volunteer work with women living on the street and it saved my life.

SendSleep

Surrendered19

Hi Hawking22. If I were you, I would look at these issues from a perspective of deprivation. As a strategy to get anything accomplished, deprivation just doesn't work. It doesn't work with food, smoking, drugs, alcohol or human contact. If the future just looms large with you sitting alone in your place, that deprivation of human contact will eventually become its own trigger and you will drink again to find escape from the bleakness that is self-isolation. I know that is pretty vague input and I am sorry for that. I just think your current strategy is doomed to collapse under its own weight. And, you are NOT a piece of $hy+.

SoberRican

Once I stopped drinking 266 days ago Most of my associates vanished hmmm wonder why? Hey I'm not hating . not like they are mooping about it. They is plenty of folk out there to be a drinking buddy with. Maybe I cramp their style who knows and who cares. This is about me and my well being and well I am . one day at a time

daisy1

I'm very similar to you! I'm happy not seeing many people at all - my nana was like that and I plan to be just like her.

Wastinglife

I am also socially isolated and try to avoid any potential stressors by being a hermit. I go to AA meetings often but I don't bother with the steps or sponsorship anymore. I tried the steps twice with 2 different sponsors but I just can't suspend my disbelief enough to buy into the higher power concept.

I am constantly struggling with boredom. Anxiety and boredom are my two main triggers. I am prepared to be bored for a while. I need to make some important decisions with my future in mind but I really need to conquer my alcoholism first.

Hawking22

THIS ^^^ Thank you so much for that reminder. I've considered diving back into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy during my solo sabbatical and what you said was really on point. People are not my favorite, we've all gotten hurt but I remain the common denominator in all the drama and strife caused in my life, I'm always the one left with the smoking gun. Instead of feeling guilt or shifting blame on others I need to learn humility and separate my journey from everyone else's (healthily). Thank you!

Hawking22

Another great reminder. The world does not revolve around me, and distancing myself from situations that could open my eyes and be grateful is not smart. You guys are inspiring me already, thank you.

Hawking22

Thank you, friend and you just described my life at the moment! I think I may be underestimating my fear of failure, as temptation surrounds me in all my friends and family too. I'm sitting on my couch thinking people suck, but I'm wondering if subconsciously I think I suck and my pride won't let me admit that I feel like too much of a failure to be around others and expect to fit in. Thank you for sharing <3

Hawking22

You're absolutely right. I think that's why I finally posted again, because I see the beautiful interactions and support that can happen in recovery and I say "Nope, you're not ready for that. You're gonna say the wrong thing and mess this up too" or "I just don't deserve that, I haven't been sober long enough." or "This is what you get. An island all to yourself after years of ruining every relationship you've ever had". The amount of effort I'm putting into avoiding people I can see eventually weighing me down and will be soul crushing. I need to come up with a new plan. Thank you for your input!

Hawking22

Me too. I'm thankfully so freshly sober boredom is a nice retreat for awhile. I wish it could stay that way but I know myself better. The need for stimulation, lack of social interaction and stress of indifference is a recipe for a trigger.

VinnyMcM

Goes without saying but everyone’s triggers are different. I still go to plenty of events with drinking but I simply just don’t drink. I also will go to the occasional bar/restaurant by myself for lunch and it just doesn’t bother me. I did most of my drinking at home so I just don’t carry any booze in the house anymore. I havent really changed a lot of my life around due to alcoholism. I just flat out don’t drink anymore. I had such a bad ending to my drinking that I now realize that I will die if I start drinking again. That thought alone has shut off the triggers.

I understand my plan wouldn’t work for everyone but it works for me. There are plenty of other plans people use that wouldn’t work for me. The key is to find whatever works for you and stick with it.

ciowa

Hawking22, Good morning and thanks for sharing. I was a binge drinker and during my IOP I realized I had begun to use alcohol as a coping mechanism. It didn't start out like that but over time I became so reliant on alcohol to numb out that almost any trivial thing was enough to get my anger going.

For the first month of recovery I focused on being sober and staying in a peaceful place. I even relocated for my recovery just to be among strangers and offline. But after about a month I realized I would have to rejoin my 'on pause' life and that it was still going to come with challenges, stresses and conflicts, all of which were triggers to my drinking before.

I started to focus a lot on mindfulness, meditation, conflict resolution and other things in preparation. I had to rebuild my resiliency again if I was to remain sober. Things are working a lot better for me now. Things that would have made me angry in the past don't mean much. Granted, if someone was to walk up and slap me in the face then Id defend myself, but someone honking at me in traffic, giving me a weird look, voicing an opinion I disagree with, stuff like that doesn't set me off anymore like in the depths of my drinking life.

I learned a lot of those tools in iop and also smart recovery but i've also taken some good things from aa. I wish you well on your journey.

CRRHCC

"P.S. I know this is probably an extremely unpopular opinion, but I was very involved with AA and NA for the first three attempts at sobriety and am no longer a fan."

Read the book Freedom Method Escape the Treatment and Recover Trap."

The authors present addiction as a choice, not a disease over which we have no control. We all have free will and can choose our, "Best available option for happiness.” This premise might seem trite at first thought, but it is ripe with profound meaning and backed with cutting edge research. Addiction is actually a learned behavior. No one gets addicted to a substance or behavior unless they have learned it does something (reward) for them! One engages in specific behaviors because they believe it will give them temporary happiness. They stop abusing when they decide abusing is not the best option for their happiness. They stop abusing when they decide (REASON) abusing is not the best option for their happiness. This is precisely why the evidence shows that most people mature out of their addiction (NESARC) . The authors use reason, science and evidence for their premise. The book clarifies the need to address your problems where they actually exist: In the realm of personal choice!

Derringer

Hi Hawking

Welcome to SR 😊

For me it came down to realising my number one trigger was that 'I'm awake'

There is no specific trigger, some might be worse than others but that really ... anything could do it.

I'm angry, I'm sad, happy, celebratory, anxious, nervous, ecstatic, bored, restless .... whatever.

Out of those, angry, sad are probably the worst, but anything else has at times, set me off.

It boils down to, finding new ways to change the way we feel without resorting to booze.

At times it helps to separate our inner dialogue from reality. Someone makes a smart ass comment and we take it so personally and it drags us down.

If they are making one at you, they are probably directing them at everyone else too, but no one else cared so much that they immediately wanted to run home and drink.

They just thought "good old Dick, being his usual smart ass self again" and went about their day.

Watch how normies react and try to be like them. The more you do it the easier it gets, act better than you feel and your head will catch up.

CRRHCC

"Watch how normies react and try to be like them. The more you do it the easier it gets, act better than you feel and your head will catch up. "

Ask a, "Normie," why they stop drinking after one or two drinks? They will always tell you something to the affect that they don't want to experience a hangover or if they get deep they will tell you they don't like the feeling of losing control. Bottom line is they prefer being normal to experience life. They have learned to do so. As a former substance abuser I always imbibed to regain control over my emotions-how I felt. My perception was that I was more relaxed and in control of my feelings when intoxicated! I never had just one or two drinks. That was out of the question. Just the opposite of a, "Normie." In retrospect, I did not like myself sober! The antidote for me was to understand that addictions always serve an emotional purpose. That purpose is to reverse or regain control over intolerable, overwhelming feelings of being trapped or helpless and out of control to specific circumstances. Once I understood myself, I found new more healthy ways to regain control of my feelings based on what I valued in life besides getting drunk. This is exactly what normal people do. We all experience adversity. How we choose to respond is a product of what we have learned growing up and we can also unlearn it. No one gets addicted to a substance unless they have learned it does something for them. Reverse engineer this concept.
Values and purpose should be the main navigational tools in life. I know longer want more than two drinks for the same reason a normal person does. I no longer like the way it makes me feel. I like myself normal! I'm a better person for it. I'm a slow learner though. I was on auto-pilot most of my adult life. It took my four and half decades to come to this realization.

Dee74

Like I said in your other thread, I had to change my life completely - but I didn't sit at home in the dark with the curtains drawn.

I reconnected with old friends I knew - either non drinkers or normal drinkers who would no sober drink at lunch than fly to the moon.

I had the time to do volunteer work..so I did. Got me out of the house and back into dealing with humanity in a non alcohol related way.

I got interested again in my hobbies and interests, I went for walks, visited museums, art galleries and the like, went to the movies, cafes, restaurants.

You have a blank canvas. Make your sober life what you want it to be

D

August252015

Some good comments above. My few cents....

Y'all hear me say all the time that I took "no is a complete sentence" to heart from the start. I absolutely did not do or go or spend time with anyone or anywhere that didn't support me being sober. That doesn't mean I stayed at home but it DOES mean I treated learning how to live like I was bambi, if you will - always pick the safer route, when in doubt, or ask someone about a choice that seems scary, or pick up the phone/come on SR/go to a mtg/start exercising....

One of the things I have found absolutely true is what AA says about having the freedom and confidence to go anywhere and do anything. I also know that I gave myself a LOT of room and time to learn what that meant, and pick and choose where and what and so on I do.

FWIW, I considered myself newly sober til around 2 1/2 yr. That's about when I recall vocab shifting from saying I was in early recovery. I've always had the instinct that 2 yr was my first big step and 5 will put me in "solid" time. Feb 21 is 4 yrs.

PS I loathe the word "trigger" - like any good alcoholic, I could consider anything just that so much like "bottom" or "slip," it's out of rotation