One week apart, feeling strong!

Old 01-25-2020, 04:05 AM
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One week apart, feeling strong!

It’s been one week since I asked my alcoholic partner to leave. This is the fourth time in 8 years I have gotten fed up and asked him to leave. He always leaves peacefully. He usually reaches out after awhile and acknowledges his problem and doesn’t blame me for leaving him. I, being codependent, feel horrible and take him back. Who else is going to take care of him? I just realized I’m codependent by reading this forum. I’ve done some research, and WOW, how did I not know this about myself! I’m heading to the library today to get some books on the topic.

because of my recent self diagnosis, I am working hard to not respond to his texts. He texted he loved me two days ago and I have not responded. I realized that I would have responded BC I didn’t want him to feel bad. I worry that my not responding will lead him to drink more.

I’m pretty sure I keep putting his needs and feelings before mine.

I do think this forum has given me strength. First, it led to some self discovery, but it also reinforces that I really have no control over his choices with drinking. He tells me straight out that this is who he is and he will not get professional help. It blows my mind...to not even try!

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Old 01-25-2020, 04:20 AM
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2020......I think it is great that you are so willing to educate yourself....as well as being motivated to do self examination.....
I know that you will reap great personal rewards from this....
I do believe that Knowledge is Power.....
I have been a member of this forum for a long time...and, I still learn, all the time from reading and participating, here....
I hope you know about the "Classic Reading" section, which is in the stickies...just above the threads, on the main page....?

Having an open mind and being willing to make change are such vital traits!
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Old 01-25-2020, 05:18 AM
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Very glad you're here, 2020.

Accepting that nothing we do or don't do "makes" them drink can be difficult. It gives us an illusion of control over their behavior that is hard to let go of. Recognizing that they are responsible for their own responses to what happens to and around them can be very empowering, but also makes us feel small and insignificant.

They're not drinking *at* us. They're just doing what they do. Learning not to take it personally is a big step.
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Old 01-25-2020, 05:28 AM
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Welcome to SR, 2020.

I'm glad you're here.
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Old 01-25-2020, 06:48 AM
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Welcome, oh I know that cycle well.

May I ask, did he move out completely? Re: all his possessions, etc. I only inquire because NC will be rather complicated if he still needs to reclaim some things. That’s not to say, what you’re doing isn’t a healthy step for yourself.

I also wanted to mention that I was once heavily engrossed in what’s called “trauma bonding” where the leaving/returning cycle was also part of the dysfunction if that makes sense. I later learned that I wasn’t totally healing each time like I had thought... and that my alcoholic ex GF wasn’t to blame for it all. I played a huge role that’s only taken years to break down. Anyhow, it’s all very early for you and I think these steps of awareness and understanding are all very important.

This forum has helped me beyond words so yes, we are all here to support.

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Old 01-25-2020, 06:52 AM
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One week, feeling strong!

ThanKs! I’ve been avoiding telling people about this. I guess I’m afraid Of two things. 1. People will just think ‘here they go again. How long do you give it?’ And 2. I will feel like a fool if we do get back together.
So, by posting here I am able to ‘say it’ in a safe zone. I have told one friend who doesn’t live near me. She has been super helpful. I really want to get through a few weeks before I say anything based on my track record. I’m guessing this isn’t the healthiest plan.
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Old 01-25-2020, 07:02 AM
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Possessions

Lifechangenyc, he did not take much. He literally tried to walk out the door with just the clothes on his back. I told him to at least go get his toothbrush and a change of clothes. Three days...he just sent me another ‘love you ‘ text as I am typing this...ugh. Anyway, he texted 3 days after leaving if he could get some stuff. I said sure. I wasn’t sure what I’d come home to, but he only took a few clothes. I was going to pack stuff up and leave it on porch, but I think I feel bad doing that.

In the past I have packed stuff up and brought it to him. I was thinking this is me taking care of everything again and I shouldn’t do it.
I guess I could use some advice on this.

also, I’m going to try to not respond to ‘love you’ text!

thanks!
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Old 01-25-2020, 07:05 AM
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2020: I understand more than words... and honestly, there’s no shame or blame here! We’ve all been through so many similar experiences.

It’s a process and takes time! I went back to my ex GF 5x and I’m still having good/bad days.

Part of the healing comes when you forgive both yourself and your partner. Like others have mentioned, his drinking wasn’t about you.

I’m more a fan of individual therapy — but Al Anon was a life saver for me in the beginning. It’s a safe place with no judgements. I cried like a baby every single time I went...

I think shame turns into a much deeper pain, if you don’t release it, you know? Living with an alcoholic creates so many walls of secrecy, guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc... then we continue those behaviors/patterns so please try and release those feelings, ok? Inner growth doesn’t happen if we lock up our souls. Glad you have at least one friend you can confide in... and us!
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Old 01-25-2020, 07:14 AM
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Your experience is bringing a lot of memories back for me. I do understand. I think others here will provide more solid advice on dealing with his possessions. I have my personal thoughts on it but it’s complicated.

I would suggest perhaps setting up an email (if needed) that he can only contact you through. That’s if you do in fact need to figure out possessions, financial aspects or anything connecting you both. You’ll see, a lot of us crumble with any connections via cell either calls or texts. NC (blocking calls/texts) is truthfully difficult but the most successful (from experience!). Blocking on social media is key as well so obsessive thoughts don’t linger.

Trust me... you’ll get great advice on here...
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Old 01-25-2020, 09:15 AM
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Hi 2020. There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie, you might find that an interesting read.

I'm sure you are probably going through some hurt and pain at the moment and I'm sorry you are.

Unfortunately, alcoholics do not make great partners.

You ignoring him might have him drinking more, because that is how he copes with life. While if you were distraught you might call your friend or post here or go to the library to seek information, he just has a drink to temporarily shift his mood and outlook. It's his coping mechanism and that isn't changing, at least not right now, as he has stated.

I think it's really important to believe him. When he says he is not giving up drinking or getting help with it, he's telling you the truth. Now whether he does choose to get help 5-10 years down the road or never, again, has nothing to do with you.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

He keeps texting that he loves you, however is that enough for you? Although you may both love each other, is that a good enough reason for allowing him to come back? I'm sure that's a question you are asking yourself.

Nothing has changed, he is the same person you asked to leave a week ago. Whether you want to continue on the ride is, of course, up to you, however don't expect it to change.

Originally Posted by 2020vision View Post
He usually reaches out after awhile and acknowledges his problem and doesn’t blame me for leaving him. I, being codependent, feel horrible and take him back. Who else is going to take care of him?
He will take care of himself and it might be the best thing for him.
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Old 01-25-2020, 10:46 AM
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2020...…..remember that he knows all of your hot buttons....he knows what you want to hear and what will make you "crumble". He knows your vulnerabilities well.....and you can expect him to try them, again.
He knows what works...so, why not try it again?
Just expect him to push every hot button, several times.....

If your being there had kept him from drinking....there wouldn't be a problem.
But, your being there didn't keep him from drinking...and, it won't if you were to go back again, either. It is not about you...it is about what is inside of him....
Sure, he might want you back...for his own benefit...not because he is so interested in your best welfare....

Like others have said....believe him when he says that this is who he is and he won't get any help......He is telling you the truth.
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Old 01-25-2020, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by 2020vision View Post
Who else is going to take care of him?
This question keeps most of us bound to our active alcoholic loved ones, yet the truth is that we are the least able to truly take care of them. Glad you're here and learning with all of us. Every day is a school day.
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Old 01-26-2020, 03:45 AM
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You’ve all given me a lot to think about. Things that seem obvious, but need to be brought up. What I’m thinking about most on this early Sunday morning is what dandylion and someone else may have added to. I think his words are genuine, but I do have to consider if he is just manipulating me. I suppose he knows me pretty well. He knows I can’t say no when he or someone else asks for something whether it be to pass the butter or straighten out a financial disaster. I have given so much of myself to stuff like that over the years. I do find it satisfying, maybe too satisfying, but I do end up feeling some resentment. So, I am going to stay strong and not swoop in to save the day.

I like the 3 Cs. That’s something I can just say to myself when I’m feeling vulnerable.

Thanks again for your help and I hope you have a nice Sunday. I’m going to make sure I do something for ME beyond the grocery store and laundry!!
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Old 01-26-2020, 10:18 AM
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hey 2020, glad to hear you are going to do something nice for yourself! It truly is so important to do that. Try to put yourself as a priority. It can kind of seem counter-intuitive and almost selfish when that hasn't been the norm for you.

It's not selfish and it's actually good for you. You will find, after a time of making yourself a priority that you are more relaxed, happier, feeling well taken care of, just generally better.

Doing things for others, holding others up, is exhausting and all encompassing. That's far from ideal. You are important too you know.

I get that doing things for others and helping them can make you feel good about yourself, being kind is a good thing right? But there is a balance there and it kind of sounds like you are not in balance.

I think it's great that you are stepping back and looking at that. That can only be good for you.
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Old 01-26-2020, 10:27 AM
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I got another text. He says he’s a failure. Sounding totally cheesy I said that this could be a turning point...a new chapter in his life, but only he could write it. I haven’t heard back. I tried to respond in a way that showed I cared or at least didn’t think he was a failure, but that I wasn’t going to be there this time.

I went to a different gym today. I really liked it and it was nice to be in a new environment.
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Old 01-26-2020, 11:36 AM
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2020: it’s not about whether he’s a “failure” or not...
it’s that he left you and yet, you’re still open to engaging in these “ping-pong” conversations. I call it that because it just goes back and forth, over and over. His technique, whether deliberate or not, continues to work because he gets you stuck thinking that’s he’s vulnerable, lost, lonely, depressed, etc etc. whatever it is. And maybe he is a failure, or maybe he’s not — but what does that have to do with you? His best bet is to discuss those feelings with a trained professional. He’s a grown man and knows this.

If you want to continue the match, keeping in contact will 100% keep you in the toxic game. That’s your call but not sure how healthy or different the outcome will be than previously. Hey, I know. I could have worn a ping pong master visor!

If you want to continue... do it. If you don’t, “no contact” (re: blocking all texts/calls) is really the most suggested. It’s really impossible (or nearly impossible) to ignore and emotionally heal without doing so, in my opinion.
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Old 01-26-2020, 11:56 AM
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LC is spot on.

As long as he thinks he can lean on you, why should he take action on his own?
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Old 01-26-2020, 12:01 PM
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Thank you lifechangenyc. I needed your directness. I don’t know if I can block him this second, but I will work toward that. Maybe I will change the setting to do not disturb so it won’t flash up on my home screen. I did hide his bank account on online banking because in our past breakups I would watch his spending and it would make me sick. He was spending about $20 a day at liquor stores. I became pretty obsessed. We have separate accounts and all the home bills are in my name so I don’t have to see his. Is that a sign of my codependency or what So, I think blocking that has been a step in the NC direction.
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Old 01-26-2020, 12:12 PM
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It sounds like you still have things connecting you both... some financials and possessions. Well now I wouldn’t suggest just blocking him instantly but if you feel you’re obsessing, maybe consider that separate email option? — and simply discuss any of those items there? You can control email settings a bit easier like auto transfer to a “read later” folder. Highly suggest reading anything in the AM! Haha less emotional time of day.

Listen, if you aren’t ready... you’re not ready. It takes times. Maybe just try one thing differently than you did in the past? Baby steps. And btw- personally I’m not into “codependent” labeling... we are all here for similar, but different experiences and battles. We can all help each other.
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Old 01-26-2020, 12:14 PM
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2020...…...he has a whole community of people who are there to help him.....
His sponsor....his AA members....his counselor.... They are t here for him 24/7.
It is not your role to be his therapist.....Even professional therapists understand that they cannot expect this of their own loved ones...as it does not work!

Alcoholism (any of the isms) and abuse are two deal breakers that can not be dealt with in the ways that we were taught...by society, by Church, by school and general advice....in our relationships. These two are counterintuitive.....
The usual advice does work pretty well in ordinary or healthy relationships.
Once addiction or abuse enters a relationship.....the well is tainted....and, it requires a different level of attending to.

When you are talking to him...if you ever do....you don't have to go into long explanations.....
You can keep it short and sweet...…"Tell this to your sponsor".....

There is a good saying------"Say what you mean...Mean what you say...But, don't say it mean".
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