lja92595

New here, have just received news YET AGAIN that my 24 yo son has been arrested. . . usually it's for possession of drugs/paraphenalia or petty theft, this time it's tresspassing, another misdemeanor so he'll be released by tomorrow. . . .his dad and I have basically cut off communication with him because we've tried for 6 years to get him help and he refuses. . .. we are now considering moving out of state for retirement but it feels like we are abandoning him. . . . although I guess he's already abandoned us in a way. . . .just so weary of the emotional turmoil and heartache. . .it's killing us, any advice appreciated.

fishkiller

I hope he comes around.
Any chance of getting him to go with you? Get him out of the environment he is stuck in?

HeadEast

If you scroll down towards the bottom of the main page you will see a category called "Friends and Family of Substance Abusers". Post the exact same thing that you have posted here to that category also. You can simply cut and paste. You are in a tough situation, but it would seem to me that if he is 24 you have already done all you could do.

boreas

lja,
So sorry for what you are going through. My sibling is an addict who has put our parents through the ringer. It started when he was a teen, and his unhealthy dependence continues now that he is in his 50’s. It has taken a heavy emotional and physical toll on them both.

I fully support any parent who chooses to look out for their own interests, and I wish my parents had done the same. At some point the work of raising, and rescue is done, and support doesn’t mean you put your own life on hold waiting for things to improve. There is always hope that left to his own devices he will choose a better path and that you all will be able to forge a positive relationship with him as an adult.
Best wishes,
-bora

nez

You are not abandoning him, you are getting on with your lives. He is choosing not be part of your lives through his refusal to get help. You can not change his lifestyle choice. He can not change your lifestyle choice unless you allow it to happen.

I would suggest checking out al-anon or nar-anon meetings where you will meet people who share their experience, strength, and hope in dealing with similar circumstances and how they have come out the other side of the heartache and anxiety.

You deserve peace and serenity.

least

You're not abandoning him, he's an adult and should be capable of living on his own. If not, no time like the present to learn how. You should be free to choose your desired location. Please don't feel bad for not wanting to enable him and his habit. Sometimes letting them feel the consequences of their actions will 'wake them up', so to speak.

Posting in the friends and family forum might be helpful to you, to hear from people who have gone thru the same situation as you and understand very well.

Anna

As you know, there is little you can do to help your son unless and until he decides to help himself. You and your husband, retiring and moving on with your lives, is not abandoning your son. Have you looked into AlAnon in your community as a resource and support for you?

Spartanman

Surrendered19

Don't think of this as an all or nothing lja. He can still be a part of your life if he wants to be but you and your spouse need to go live your lives. Move to where you had planned to move and do the things you had planned to do because then that's it and time will run out.

Decide, and write it down, how you want to live your life, and then thems the rules. If your son wants to be around he'll know what the rules are. A few come to mind before he darkens your door - ever.

1. No warrants out for his arrest;
2. Up-to-date on all of his legal obligations like probation, etc.;
3. Clean and sober 24/7.

Those are just a start. Make your own list and stick by it. Good luck and I wish you and your spouse well.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Lja

I'd definitely second the suggestion of Al-anon, it's a great resource if available in your area.