Please help - completely lost!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 3
Please help - completely lost!
Hi Guys,
Title says it all! I feel so, so lost, sat here in tears, abusing narcotics and alcohol, something I did not touch until a year ago, what changed I don't know?!
I have 4 most beautiful children, a wonderful Husband and loving family (both of which I have been honest with).
I don't even enjoy the benders - last year was a rough year, broke both wrists, house was subjected to a violent attempted burglary. I know how to stop and that is just to say NO! I think maybe I enjoy self destructing.
I just don't know - all I do know is it would be great if there is anyone that could offer me some support.
xx
Title says it all! I feel so, so lost, sat here in tears, abusing narcotics and alcohol, something I did not touch until a year ago, what changed I don't know?!
I have 4 most beautiful children, a wonderful Husband and loving family (both of which I have been honest with).
I don't even enjoy the benders - last year was a rough year, broke both wrists, house was subjected to a violent attempted burglary. I know how to stop and that is just to say NO! I think maybe I enjoy self destructing.
I just don't know - all I do know is it would be great if there is anyone that could offer me some support.
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 3
Hi
Thank you for replying. Rehab is not an option. I feel disgusted with myself if I am honest.
I will never touch cocaine without alcohol, so alcohol is the trigger.
I am just lost, why at the age of 38 did I suddenly decide to try it? I have always steered clear as I have an addictive personality.
I look back at photos of last year with my children and I was so happy, now I spend many a night feeling so guilty
God life can be so bloody hard at times - I need to pull myself together and say NO!
Thank you for replying. Rehab is not an option. I feel disgusted with myself if I am honest.
I will never touch cocaine without alcohol, so alcohol is the trigger.
I am just lost, why at the age of 38 did I suddenly decide to try it? I have always steered clear as I have an addictive personality.
I look back at photos of last year with my children and I was so happy, now I spend many a night feeling so guilty
God life can be so bloody hard at times - I need to pull myself together and say NO!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi and welcome 
Support really made a difference for me. It meant the world to me that I wasn't alone, that other people out there understood and to see that others had gone on to make a complete recovery from addiction.
If SR does nothing else it provides hope.
I won't pretend it's an easy journey - it's not - but it's my experience, and belief, that things do get easier the longer you stay clean and sober
So good to have you aboard Storm80 - you're not alone
Support really made a difference for me. It meant the world to me that I wasn't alone, that other people out there understood and to see that others had gone on to make a complete recovery from addiction.
If SR does nothing else it provides hope.
I won't pretend it's an easy journey - it's not - but it's my experience, and belief, that things do get easier the longer you stay clean and sober
So good to have you aboard Storm80 - you're not alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 3
Thank you Dee - it means alot!
I am also prescribed pharmaceuticals drugs for anxiety etc and have managed tapers from benzos - it all went wrong when I went on prescription meds - however I had such a bad breakdown I had to for my children.
It took me 3 years to build a new me and I am slowly losing her again, spend my days in agony due to 2 broken wrists not healing after 7 months and scared of the only place that was my safe haven - our home after a violent attempted burglary. I guess I am hiding from a lot of stress.
I am also prescribed pharmaceuticals drugs for anxiety etc and have managed tapers from benzos - it all went wrong when I went on prescription meds - however I had such a bad breakdown I had to for my children.
It took me 3 years to build a new me and I am slowly losing her again, spend my days in agony due to 2 broken wrists not healing after 7 months and scared of the only place that was my safe haven - our home after a violent attempted burglary. I guess I am hiding from a lot of stress.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,572
Welcome Storm80.
I've only been sober for a month+ and coming here has been what did it for me. I just keep fronting up. Reading and trying to respond to other people's posts on a daily basis, has helped so much in keeping me focussed. I feel so much better in body and mind.
I hope you continue to post.
I've only been sober for a month+ and coming here has been what did it for me. I just keep fronting up. Reading and trying to respond to other people's posts on a daily basis, has helped so much in keeping me focussed. I feel so much better in body and mind.
I hope you continue to post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 325
Welcome Storm80,
We all know those feelings of self loathing for doing what we know is self-destructive, there is no judgement here, just understanding and support.
You have been through a lot and have found yourself here which is a great first step in making change happen - we are all walking on the same path, come join us.
We all know those feelings of self loathing for doing what we know is self-destructive, there is no judgement here, just understanding and support.
You have been through a lot and have found yourself here which is a great first step in making change happen - we are all walking on the same path, come join us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 533
Hi,
Perhaps youre angry and upset over life circumstances and internalizing it - taking it out on yourself subconciously?
You can certainly get it out here, but have you tried a therapist?
I had ptsd, and the worst thing I did was use alcohol to try to medicate myself back to "normal".
I stopped with help from my physician and my last binge was a doozy. I just couldnt stand anymore.
If I can get better anyone can.
You can get your life back. Better than what it was.
Perhaps youre angry and upset over life circumstances and internalizing it - taking it out on yourself subconciously?
You can certainly get it out here, but have you tried a therapist?
I had ptsd, and the worst thing I did was use alcohol to try to medicate myself back to "normal".
I stopped with help from my physician and my last binge was a doozy. I just couldnt stand anymore.
If I can get better anyone can.
You can get your life back. Better than what it was.
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Lots of support here. It sounds like therapy might be a good fit after what you’ve been through .
I have an addictive personality as well...so I’m to the point now where I won’t even take an Advil unless I am to the point of tears with a headache or something.
Alcohol is my downfall but I am keeping myself busy with work, gym, and painting to try and cope and stay sober.
Maybe hit up an AA meeting? It sounds like it you don’t drink, you won’t do cocaine, so that’s good!
. I have an addictive personality as well...so I’m to the point now where I won’t even take an Advil unless I am to the point of tears with a headache or something.
Alcohol is my downfall but I am keeping myself busy with work, gym, and painting to try and cope and stay sober.
Maybe hit up an AA meeting? It sounds like it you don’t drink, you won’t do cocaine, so that’s good!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
From what you describe, it seems that you may be suffering symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). A violent home burglary is certainly an event that would leave lasting trauma. I have experienced PTSD symptoms myself after traumatic experiences. Drugs and alcohol provide temporary relief but just exasperate PTSD symptoms in the long run.
I would recommend you consult a therapist. Maybe the whole family are traumatized. Otherwise, you do need to stop the drugs and drinking before you deal with any trauma. Have you considered AA meetings/12 step program?
I would recommend you consult a therapist. Maybe the whole family are traumatized. Otherwise, you do need to stop the drugs and drinking before you deal with any trauma. Have you considered AA meetings/12 step program?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Storm. You are so young dearest. You are doing so well and showing such wisdom to get this figured out at your age. I am 16 years clear of you and I would give anything to live those 16 years sober and healthy and with a clear head. Give yourself that gift. I drank hard for 30+ years and lost my 30's and 40's and a chunk of my 50's completely to alcohol. The last 10 years - insanity and a slow march to the grave. But here I am living in Day 62, liberated from alcohol, 4:45 a.m. and headed to the gym. Grateful for every clear and calm moment. You can do this Storm. It will be amazing.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Storm, firstly, you've come to the right place. I credit SR for keeping me sober for almost 8 years and still going strong.
You have been through a hell of a year with the pain of your wrists and not feeling safe in your own home. OK, you've fallen hard (not a pun), but you don't have an entrenched habit. I was over-drinking for years and year, and had tried many times to stop.
Can I ask why you can't go to rehab for a while? I hope you're not down-playing your problems for the sake of the family? It's just that, with your head in the right place, rehab could give you the tools you need to deal with cravings and the urge to binge.
I know it's hard with 4 kids, but can you take some time out to learn how to meditate and calm yourself? Some time and money invested in you right now could make a huge difference for the future. Is a babysitter, either paid for or a member of the family, feasible on a long term basis?
I live in a high crime area but have invested heavily in security measures for the house, and it's given me a lot of peace of mind. Maybe you could get a consultant to work out what you need?
Please don't try to carry on without plenty of professional support around you, whatever it takes. You're trying to struggle on under a burden you can't carry, and something has to give.
You have been through a hell of a year with the pain of your wrists and not feeling safe in your own home. OK, you've fallen hard (not a pun), but you don't have an entrenched habit. I was over-drinking for years and year, and had tried many times to stop.
Can I ask why you can't go to rehab for a while? I hope you're not down-playing your problems for the sake of the family? It's just that, with your head in the right place, rehab could give you the tools you need to deal with cravings and the urge to binge.
I know it's hard with 4 kids, but can you take some time out to learn how to meditate and calm yourself? Some time and money invested in you right now could make a huge difference for the future. Is a babysitter, either paid for or a member of the family, feasible on a long term basis?
I live in a high crime area but have invested heavily in security measures for the house, and it's given me a lot of peace of mind. Maybe you could get a consultant to work out what you need?
Please don't try to carry on without plenty of professional support around you, whatever it takes. You're trying to struggle on under a burden you can't carry, and something has to give.
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