ButterMarsh

Hi!

I've been here before but relapsed. I really want to make things work this time. I think I've learnt some good lessons from my previous successes and even the failures.

One sore point is my repulsion at having to live life on life's terms. I've heard it being said around here and quite frankly, I think it's where I tend to trip up.

Anyway, I want to have this thread to stay accountable and help me through these difficult first days. Thank you all for your support.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Butter. Yes, living life on it's terms is probably the most difficult part of this. And unfortunately there's no way around it. Some call it acceptance too - accepting that we are the way we are when it comes to alcohol.

That doesn't mean though that you can't choose your path in life. Giving up alcohol really opens more doors than it closes, and sobriety truly is a choice you have the power to make.

I hope you will stick around, there's a ton of support here and understanding too.

ButterMarsh

That up there is what I fervently hope and pray for. I really hope that's true for me.

Thanks, Scott. I will be sticking around and doing the work.

boreas

Butter,
If you’re anything like me, living life on alcohol’s terms got pretty painful. I have found that removing the physical and emotional challenges of a nasty drinking habit actually makes the everyday stuff easier to bear.

Best wishes,
-bora

Cityboy

I know for a fact that incorporating alcohol in the mix has made many things worse for me. Many of the same issues are still going to be there, and not sure how I'm going to adjust the defense mechanisms to deal with them. There may be a learning curve in my very near future.

ButterMarsh

So right, bora. I shuddered when I thought of living life on alcohol's terms forever....

I've had a taste of sober life and I know it is a million times better every day living. However, I do get hit with those feelings of 'is this all there is...?' and my AV knows how to sneak those in these days... I simply will not fall for it anymore!

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good this time.

silentrun

I'm not in AA so I had to look that up to get an exact meaning. It means to deal with life's problems instead of using a substance to hide from them.
That's not so hard for me once I got my self respect back. I'll be fine no matter what. There is a certain peace that comes with liking who you are. Also I learned to draw boundaries and most of the problems I took on before were outside of my control anyway.

fishkiller

Welcome!
I am only a few days in this time around myself.

I have issues with a few sayings also but that wont stop me.
Dont worry about a saying just do what you need to do and you, me, will make it.

boreas

Over time I have come to distinguish between happiness and contentment. For me, happiness is caused by external factors, and is dependent on the actions of others. An unexpected raise, a partner’s generosity, a spectacular sunrise. Contentment is what I create for myself. I sit today by the woodstove in my completely mediocre house (which I love), and tomorrow will go back to my mediocre job (which I sometimes love ). I’m about to go for a walk in the cold. Dinner prep is done.

It’s not spectacular. I’m not spectacular. In short, for now this is all there is. And I’m tickled pink. It’s all mine, I've worked for it, and I love it. Peace, contentment, and the dignity that comes with just putting on my big girl pants and getting on with it are priceless.

I can tell you for sure, and I think you’d agree, that “spectacular” is not at the bottom of that bottle, not matter what that inner voice says.

From Conroy’s The Prince of Tides: “So I returned to my southern home and my southern life, and it is in the presence of my woman and children that I acknowledge my life, my destiny. I am a teacher, a coach, and a well-loved man. And it is more than enough.”
-bora

Reid82

For me recovery means work! Either from group therapy, meetings, counselling, and now posting on SR to be able to deal with life.

I'm a firm believer in you reap what you sow. For me it is the only way to recover. Merely stopping drinking never worked long term. I wish you the best in your journey.

Lucinda2

Welcome back Buttermarsh. I was not familiar with that saying about life on life's terms either. Usefully added to knowledge bank, thank you.

Anna

Welcome back, ButterMarsh, It sounds like you are ready to make this work.

VinnyMcM

Welcome back Butter. I can relate to the “is this all there is” feeling. I’m at 34 days sober and I struggle with that everyday. But I kid you not, it does get better each day. Slowly for me. If it takes me 10 years to be completely happy with sober life, that’s just what I’m going to do. I can’t imagine any worse life than I had when I was drinking. Just pure misery day in and day out.

Dee74

Welcome (back) ButterMarsh

I too thought is this all there is - I thought it drinking and I thought it not drinking.

I knew drinking provided me with no answers so I tried not drinking. I figured of I'd given 20 years to drinking I could t least give a year to not drinking an see what happened.

What happened was...after a few months, I started to build a sober life I love...i changed and grew and that has made all the difference.

The void inside me - the one I couldn't fill with drink or drugs - or episodic, impermanent abstinence - I *finally* started to heal.

Now I know what the 'all' is I was looking for

D

ButterMarsh

Yes, self respect... that’s exactly what I lose a little bit more of every time I choose to pick up. It’s so hard to get back once it’s gone. Plus there’s forgiving myself for my drunken messes... I know I can’t ever go back to drinking.... It’s getting harder to bounce back mentally from a relapse.

jr67

Hey it's Yesterday Plus 1, Butter.

Nice to see you (and me) back. Day 20 has started for me.

It has not dawned on me yet. The day, that is. It's only 4:40 a.m. It won't be dawning on me for a couple of hours.

But I'm hard at work.

You?

Hey, if it were easy they wouldn't call it wor

jr67

k.

ButterMarsh

Thank you so much everyone for your support. Reading this in my quiet time in the morning is a blessing.

Boreas; I yearn to get back that ‘dignity’ you mentioned... Just doing the work, showing up, ‘putting on my big girl’s pants’... I also badly need to achieve that contentment you’ve described and I want it to be enough.... I’m working towards that. I’ll be keeping your wonderful description of it tucked away in my toolbox.

Reid82; I realized that I had slackened somewhat on putting in the work daily so I’m going to be more vigilant. However, in early recovery (like now), I’ve also had the tendency to want to rush things and ‘prove myself’, erase my past behaviors and generally try to get the results ASAP. Then when nothing much changes and life begins to drag along, then I falter. So I’ve got to be aware of this tendency and guard against it. I’ve got to accept that those results that I want (contentment, long term sobriety, self respect and that of others) is going to take time and all I can do now is to ‘put in the work’ everyday and not drink ever again.

I’ll be ruminating all day over what you’ve all said. Hugs 🤗.

ButterMarsh

Thank you, jr... Day 2 has never felt better. Congrats on 20 days. I’m blessed to be on this journey with you.

I really like your early mornings, by the way. Definitely a goal for the future for me. I read that people who suffer from depression are helped by getting up at 5am everyday and I certainly need help in that department.

Have a lovely day and looking forward to reading more from you.