Time to leave maybe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1
Time to leave maybe
My AB is a high functioning alcoholic. In the beginning, he hid it so well that it wasn't until recently things started going south did he confess his alcoholism to me. He told me he'd understand if I chose to leave. Apparently I didn't.
He said he wanted to get better with me because he wanted to have a future together. Then 10 days later he relapsed. I didn't blame him. I knew it's gonna be hard.
I have to say I am really new in this area. I never knew anyone who's an addict before him, let along loving one. The situation has become really hard for us in the past two months. His inner critic, low self-esteem, mood swings are really affecting our relationship. Not to mention he's depressed as well.
I am planning on going to my first Al-Anon meeting this week. But now I am not sure if I should still go, because I don't even know if I still have a relationship!?
He's been ignoring me for a week - not responding to my calls and texts.
Yesterday he dialed my number accidentally. The phone line was connected but he didn't know. I just listened (was curious about what he was doing), then I heard the sound of opening bottles. He was drinking
I feel now I am fighting his battle that he doesn't even care to win.
I am not even sure why he has to ignore me for so long.
My mind is all over the place and I am sorry if my post doesn't make any sense. I am just lost.
Thanks for letting me share.
He said he wanted to get better with me because he wanted to have a future together. Then 10 days later he relapsed. I didn't blame him. I knew it's gonna be hard.
I have to say I am really new in this area. I never knew anyone who's an addict before him, let along loving one. The situation has become really hard for us in the past two months. His inner critic, low self-esteem, mood swings are really affecting our relationship. Not to mention he's depressed as well.
I am planning on going to my first Al-Anon meeting this week. But now I am not sure if I should still go, because I don't even know if I still have a relationship!?
He's been ignoring me for a week - not responding to my calls and texts.
Yesterday he dialed my number accidentally. The phone line was connected but he didn't know. I just listened (was curious about what he was doing), then I heard the sound of opening bottles. He was drinking
I feel now I am fighting his battle that he doesn't even care to win.
I am not even sure why he has to ignore me for so long.
My mind is all over the place and I am sorry if my post doesn't make any sense. I am just lost.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi loveaddict, glad you found us. But I am sorry you had reason to come looking.
Everything you've written above is familiar to the folks in this forum, so no need to apologize for maybe not making sense. It does. Active addicts do not make great relationship partners, and it's a long hard road they must walk before that changes. As much as we wish we could drag them down that road ourselves, it just doesn't work that way.
One thing I want to mention before others chime in with their experience, strength, and hope, is that "high functioning" is not a TYPE of alcoholism, it's merely a STAGE. Addiction is progressive. Left untreated, it always gets worse, even if the timeline is totally unpredictable from person to person.
Hope you stick around.
Everything you've written above is familiar to the folks in this forum, so no need to apologize for maybe not making sense. It does. Active addicts do not make great relationship partners, and it's a long hard road they must walk before that changes. As much as we wish we could drag them down that road ourselves, it just doesn't work that way.
One thing I want to mention before others chime in with their experience, strength, and hope, is that "high functioning" is not a TYPE of alcoholism, it's merely a STAGE. Addiction is progressive. Left untreated, it always gets worse, even if the timeline is totally unpredictable from person to person.
Hope you stick around.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
loveaddict…….alanon is for YOU. To offer you support and validation and for your own healthy development.....Not to save a relationship or to fix an alcoholic.
Anyone who has been in a relationship with an alcoholic has been impacted and takes a hit...often, to the extent of losing themselves in the relationship.....
Alanon is a lot about reclaiming that self...…
I strongly encourage to keep your plan to attend.
I think you will find that it is a warm and compassionate place where there is an understanding beyond mere words...
Anyone who has been in a relationship with an alcoholic has been impacted and takes a hit...often, to the extent of losing themselves in the relationship.....
Alanon is a lot about reclaiming that self...…
I strongly encourage to keep your plan to attend.
I think you will find that it is a warm and compassionate place where there is an understanding beyond mere words...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi and welcome, yes I also hope you choose to attend that Al-Anon meeting. There you will also find people that know exactly what you have been through and are talking about.
Alcoholics don't make good partners in a relationship (as you have discovered), they are unpredictable, selfish and are not thinking straight a lot of the time.
Alcohol changes the addict both physically and mentally. Until he wants to stop, he surely won't.
Please learn about alcoholism, not for him, for you, so you know what you are up against.
There is some very good reading material in the stickies section at the top of the forum, in particular in the About Recovery/Classic Reading section here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Alcoholics don't make good partners in a relationship (as you have discovered), they are unpredictable, selfish and are not thinking straight a lot of the time.
Alcohol changes the addict both physically and mentally. Until he wants to stop, he surely won't.
Please learn about alcoholism, not for him, for you, so you know what you are up against.
There is some very good reading material in the stickies section at the top of the forum, in particular in the About Recovery/Classic Reading section here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
LA,
Welcome and glad you reached out to educate yourself regarding relationships with addicts. Let me tell you if you keep reading around this forum you will be shocked. I would tell you to run and run fast ,and don't look back. After spending 3/4 of my life with an addict, it is not something that I would wish on anyone.
It is still early in your relationship. I would definitely reach out to alanon as they can teach you the things that you need to stay strong and leave this relationship. You got yourself into this mess and now you need to learn to get yourself out. Its not an easy process.
I would keep reading this forum and educate yourself about what you are up against. hugs!
Welcome and glad you reached out to educate yourself regarding relationships with addicts. Let me tell you if you keep reading around this forum you will be shocked. I would tell you to run and run fast ,and don't look back. After spending 3/4 of my life with an addict, it is not something that I would wish on anyone.
It is still early in your relationship. I would definitely reach out to alanon as they can teach you the things that you need to stay strong and leave this relationship. You got yourself into this mess and now you need to learn to get yourself out. Its not an easy process.
I would keep reading this forum and educate yourself about what you are up against. hugs!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by maia1234 
I would definitely reach out to alanon as they can teach you the things that you need to stay strong and leave this relationship. You got yourself into this mess and now you need to learn to get yourself out.
Love addict, many people join AlAnon to deal with their alcoholic, but end up staying because the program helps us become better and happier people. Lots of people in the program no longer interact with alcoholics, but choose to remain active because the issues are so much greater than a problem with just one person. As you will find out if you pursue involvement, it's not about him at all - it's about you and the kind of relationships that you want with everyone you know.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Fallen Angelina,
Thank you for clarifying that. Alanon is a sounding board, and a support group for anyone in need and would never tell anyone what to do or judge them for their decisions.
I am a 20 year, grateful member of alanon and I understand what they stand for, but LA wouldn't. Thanks Again for pointing that out!
Thank you for clarifying that. Alanon is a sounding board, and a support group for anyone in need and would never tell anyone what to do or judge them for their decisions.
I am a 20 year, grateful member of alanon and I understand what they stand for, but LA wouldn't. Thanks Again for pointing that out!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 15
He's ignored you for a week? I've learned that I have to ask myself that if my (now ex) romantic partner wasn't an alcoholic, would I still tolerate the same behavior? In other words, we seem to have a habit of holding our alcoholics to a lower standard and let more things slide, when we shouldn't. We deserve the same level of respect from everyone, addict and non addict.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by loveaddict
He's been ignoring me for a week - not responding to my calls and texts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
"Don't make someone a priority for whom you are merely an option" as the saying goes (more or less)
This is the honeymoon period of a relationship--when people are acting their "best". If this is his best, what will he degenerate to over time?
This is the honeymoon period of a relationship--when people are acting their "best". If this is his best, what will he degenerate to over time?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
"Don't make someone a priority for whom you are merely an option" as the saying goes (more or less)
This is the honeymoon period of a relationship--when people are acting their "best". If this is his best, what will he degenerate to over time?
This is the honeymoon period of a relationship--when people are acting their "best". If this is his best, what will he degenerate to over time?
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