lessgravity

I had some friends over yesterday for a bbq. Was a low-key, very adult afternoon - babies, football, some grilling. Nothing wild. One of my friends who came by I have been close with for many years - we shared more than a few fun nights drinking and smoking back in the day. I wouldn't say he is one of my biggest drinking friends but, as with almost all of my friends, we drank often together for many years. Yesterday however, no one was drinking. But I had a few minutes out in my backyard with my daughter, the afternoon was lengthening, it was cold, one of those mid-winter afternoons in the northeast, grey sun, brutally brisk, tracings of snow - and as I stood there I felt, for the first time in a long time, like having a tall glass of whisky.

I knew I wasn't going to have a drink. There was certainty in my bones that I was going to stay sober. I didn't have to fight a craving or an urge. But all the feelings attached to the craving were present - the burning warmth in my stomach of the alcohol, the dull euphoria that creeps up your neck and into your face in those first minutes, the release of the present moment into the murky buzz.

I guess I'm sharing this because I think it's important for my sobriety that I am aware of just how strong my attachments and memories of the poison are. Again, I was not in danger of getting myself a drink, I did not have to even convince myself not to drink. But I did feel in those moments that there are parts of me I will always have to contend with.

I'm free and clean today. Eternal vigilance being the price of that freedom of course.

Surrendered19

Isn't it the truth? Thanks for posting that LessGravity. I am living in Day 61 and feel like I have a great hold on my sobriety, but not a day goes by that I don't think about drinking. Usually just a fleeting thought. It was so much a part of my life for 30 years, maybe it will always occupy a space in my mind. I pray for the continued ability to keep the memories in the proper place in my nag-headed head.

Delilah1

Hi Less,

It sounds like yesterday was a great day without the alcohol, and I bet waking up sober today felt even a little better than it usually does.

I had those feelings every now and then, I haven’t had one for a long time, but they can throw you a little. I’m so proud of how your handled the thought, and that you came here and posted about it.

Nicely done Less!

Derringer

The one that gets me, still 5+ years later is mowing the lawn on a hot day.

Smell of the freshly cut grass and boom there it is, a mental picture of an ice cold can of beer.

I can laugh at it now and say to myself "hello you slippery little bastard, still lurking in there somewhere aren't you ?" then it's gone just as quick.

Luckily I have a 15 year old, so I can get him to do it for $10 now.

ScottFromWI

Yes, I think it's fair to say that some of the "mystique" and memories of the past will likely be with us forever. Just as there are events we remember from our childhood, we all had good friends and good times at some point in our drinking career. I personally don't think you can just erase that part of your memory, so it's important to be ever vigilant of the reasons we don't drink. How one goes about that ( staying vigilant ) is entirely a personal decision - but your experience is a good reminder that we still need to have a solid foudation for our sobriety, even years down the path.

lessgravity

I know the feeling. I remember thinking in my early sober days that it felt like thinking of drinking was utterly constant and I would only get breaks here and there from it to actually deal with life. But that fades with time - it truly does. I'm headed towards 22 months and honestly sometimes days pass without a thought about drinking. Stay strong - that realization is one you can look forward to.

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thomas11

The old nostalgia of drinking, which we know is BS. I think its great that you shared it and wrote it down, I think it helps us stay close to our sobriety and support group. Pretty accurate description of slipping into the abyss.

Dee74

I think most of us have experienced those passing thoughts, momentary flickers...

Thoughts are thoughts - its what we do with them that counts

I think it's worth mentioning, and I'm sure you've experienced this too less - I'm up early today and I've had the other kind of thoughts too - remembering days when I'd be up this early simply to drink the cask of cheap wine I had in my fridge and the memory repulses me.

D

fishkiller

I know what you mean.
Im only a few days in but I was watching a show on tv last night and a guy bit into a spicy taco and reached for a beer too cool himself off and slammed it.
I love spicy food and almost always chase it with a beer.
I could almost taste it.

Then I remembered what beer actually tastes like now to me and it was over.

Dropsie

Less,

Thanks for posting this.

For me, it has become so uncommon to think about drinking that when I do I think that its a good reminder that I am still addicted/attached. But it is really so rare that I think its weird when it happens at all. Sounds like its similar with you.

Who would have thunk it?

How is the life of the law?

Drops

Hevyn

That was such a helpful post, less. Thank you so much.
I had those feelings for a while after stopping. I was so happy to be free of it, but a bit resentful too. Accepting I could never be a social drinker, and that there could never be 'just one' drink, was difficult early on. I'm so glad we're able to get past those thoughts and remember how it actually was, not our drinking fantasy.

Almost 22 months - you're doing so great.

Gettingcloser

Thanks for posting this, Less. I will have two years sober in May and as you say, it gets so much easier.
Over the Christmas holidays I had a strange feeling. Some of my worst times during my drinking days were around holidays because so much was expected of me and I was a mess. I was either binging or struggling with withdrawals as I tried to pretend all was well and hide it from my family.
I had a moment this Christmas where the ugly feelings returned and I felt that it was inevitable that I was going to drink. It made me really uneasy because it was like I became that person again.
Luckily, playing the tape forward always works for me and I snapped out of it in a few days but it made me realize I have to put the past behind me. It is done.

silentrun

A few days ago I had a dream I had been drinking this whole time and everything was fine. I'm coming up on 7 years. Throughout the years I've has occasion to remember my drinking days and it usually involves fond memories. It never involves cravings though as you said.

It's a good reminder to take a moment, be grateful that's not me anymore and feel a little bit proud of myself.

D122y

i don't crave much any more, but it is pretty new. the crave thing went away less than 6 months ago.

in its place is a feeling of restlessness. i search my mind for things to worry about. today i decided that my acid reflux was getting worse and that it was causing me sleep issues. Additionally, i was having sinus pressure.

this problem was going to send me to the ER tomorrow if it didn't go away. So i made the decision and I was prepared to call in sick if i needed to. After all, health is everything. i don't need to go into work if i am falling apart.

So, i have been taking it pretty easy today, only going to one store and playing catch with Jr for about an hour.

now I am feeling better and everything is going back to normal. i feel relaxed as i type this.

i know that if thing go as normal, eventually i will find something to worry about again. maybe tonight, definitely tomorrow. it has become the norm.

i expect eventually, i will stop worrying and things will bother me less.

i was reminded recently that being nervous and worried saps testosterone production and makes a person weak. Sitting, standing, talking and acting a certain way etc. all help a person feel amazing.

there are all sorts of things that i can do to feel better vs feeling weak.

thanks.

Rsanchez920

I only have 2 weeks at the moment but when i get a "craving" its actually nostalgia... I have given into it before and i must say its not as fun, nagical and mysticql as it sounds thats for sure....

lessgravity

The feeling of not having drank remains a great one. But it's expected these days, as I know I'm not going to drink, so it's more like how I feel after the gym or a shower - good but not revelatory like it was in the beginning.

Although I am not dealing with urges/cravings I also know how many people went much longer than my two years and yet picked up again. So I think of these kinds of wistful, dreamy and ultimately dishonest thoughts about drinking as inherently dangerous, even if not posing an imminent threat. Like any good and reasonable defense system, I need be aware and prepared, spending enough time on it, without letting it consume me with fear, envy or frustration.