He's Like a Cult Leader

Old 11-29-2004, 12:38 PM
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He's Like a Cult Leader

My AH has been out of the house for a couple of months. I have been feeling so much better about myself. I've come to the conclusion that I'm a darn good woman. I've been taking much better care of myself and my kids and taking time to enjoy my life. All in all, it's been a great learning experience.

My AH came over for Thanksgiving dinner. He spent a couple of hours with me and the kids. He seemed nice enough and wasn't too drunk.

After he left, I went to change clothes, looked in the mirror and thought "You are so fat." I then proceeded to eat half of a chocolate pie. Now, I know that I'm not fat but the woman looking back at me from the mirror was an entirely different woman than the one I'd seen that morning.

It amazed me that spending a couple of hours with him could make me feel so worthless all over again. Maybe it is the years of conditioning coming back to haunt me?

Has anyone experienced this? If so, as my self-esteem continues to increase, will his effect on me go away or is this a life long curse? I know that I should stay away from him, at least for a while. I'm trying to make this transition easier on my girls by trying to remain on friendly terms but maybe the one I need to worry about is me.
Thanks - L
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Old 11-29-2004, 01:37 PM
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You pose an excellent question. It can't possibly be good thing for you to work so hard to feel so positive about yourself, only to have his presence trigger all those negative feelings you've worked so hard to overcome. Over time, and as your self esteem continues to grow, it seems logical that you won't care as much about what he thinks, so he will likely have less and less of a negative effect on you. I don't know what your long-term plans are, but personally, I would stay away from him to the extent possible. I hope you're feeling better and haven't dwelled on him too much since Thanksgiving -- as you know, life can be pretty darn good!
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Old 11-29-2004, 01:43 PM
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Oh hell yes it gets better. Your self esteem will increase and you'll start seeing the real you instead of the person the disease created.

You're doing so well. Think positive, pray and attend meetings. It really does get better. And of course, you've got to be #1 at this point in your life. You'll find the right path and your children will follow.

Blessings, kathy
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Old 11-29-2004, 05:02 PM
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P.S. I hope you enjoyed the pie!!!
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Old 11-29-2004, 06:44 PM
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A very similar situation happened to me and that is why I decided to come in and meet ya'll. After 6 months of seperation from my addict, I invited him to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with my children, his daughter and myself. I have felt so strong and have grown content without the craziness that once filled our home. We are all happier and the girls all agree there is so much more peace without him. But, when he was here I felt so happy-he was that sweet easy going guy. He spent two nights and I enjoyed every minute. I was trying to be kind, loving, and "normal" and give him a holiday with the only family he has. I knew that, like before, this was temporary and I reminded myself that it would end. I never expected what would happen next. He called desperately needing to get out of the bachelor house he was in. He needed a place to stay for a few days while he got money from his family. He needed to be with us to get clean and sober. We were the whole reason he was here in this area. We were all he cared about and his roomate-workmate was a control freak, stealing from him, not paying him, etc...(I knew this game...I know i was only hearing what he wanted me to hear. I knew that control meant not letting him use or destroy the business or home they were living in. Stealing from him meant that his roomy now refused to pay him for work done because A had pawned everything in sight and broke up his furniture, and was just going to use every dime to do it up all over again...someone else is always at fault or guilty & i really do not understand this way of thinking).....anyways....When A asked to move himself and the few belongings he has left since our seperation into my new home, I said NO. I said NO over 5 times in that half and hour bs conversation. He raged and hung up violently on me. He called his mother. Threatened that he was going to do something crazy. She called me...."cant you just help him out a few days?" I said NO. HE IS NOT CLEAN. That was the last I heard from them but within 24 hours I got a call from a local hospital. He attempted to hurt himself. Would I see him? (no no no noooooo...im telling myself) But, Im his only friend...only family. We have a child together. I must tell the doctors he needs help. "Please help him!" The doctor reasures me they will keep him several days. As I leave I see him drunk and wild eyed..the monster I loathe. I know him seeing me stirs even more ugliness- he becomes restless and the guard tries to calm him. I leave voluntarily knowing that will calm the scene down. I drive away sad but feeling like I did all I could do and wondered if it was more than I should have done. TONIGHT TONIGHT......i feel so alone and i feel so sorry for him. i hate not knowing where or how he is...i cant do anything to help him...not even take him cigs. What I feel is all the old feelings haunting me and wonder how that two short days just messed up my head---you wont believe that when his mother called me tonight and told me she was flying down to try and help, i told her she could stay with us while she was here and maybe he could toooooo. How did I let myself fall for this craziness again so quickly too? BTW...I havent been to any groups or meetings, ya'll are my first attempt to reach out for any thoughts. I will be reading the posts here for some new insight, and I will be looking for a group. Thanks-your stories and strength is amazing.
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Old 11-29-2004, 07:37 PM
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Lorelai, thank for for starting this terrific thread. It is like being in a cult. I have never thought of that, but you hit the nail on the head. WE HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED!!!! lol

And Thinkerbelle, thanks for such an honest post.

It is a great reminder to all of us who are getting out or have recently gotten out how quickly we can get sucked back in. I have only been "out" of the insanity for a little over 5 weeks, and up until the past few days, I really felt like I could get sucked back in very easily. I am SO GREATFUL you posted these today.

I may even print these to remind myself of the insanity to try to help me not get sucked back in again.

I hope you two can do something healthy for yourselves to help you not get sucked in again too. We deserve a sane life!

Okay, now for a little humor from our old Saturday Night Live friend...
Gosh darnit... we're good enough, we're smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like us!
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Old 11-29-2004, 09:30 PM
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honey, you need to give yourself time, time, and time. i know how you feel and i broke up with mine three months ago after four years of putting up with him and putting myself down because of his disease, and now i hear he moved back with his ex and they are engaged!!! after four years he didn't have the guts to propose to me and let me tell you girl, i've done anything and everything to keep him happy. I know i was the best woman he could ever find in his life, and now he's engaged with his ex and i feel like crap, i think i wasn't good enough, he didn't love me enough, i naged too much, i shouldn't have asked him to stop drinking.....a few hours later i snapped and thought to myself.....I BROKE UP WITH HIM, I KNEW BETTER and I DID BETTER FOR MYSELF, i chose not to live that life style because i believe i deserve better, that life style might be wonderful for him, but i didn't see myself living like that for the rest of my life. It's damn hard hearing these news because i truly and dearly loved him with my everything, but we know better, just give yourself some more time and keep your distance as much as you can from your AH.....it will be better for you and for your daughters for now....you need to build yourself and be so strong, you have no time to deal with him. i believe once we are really ok with ourselves and love ourselves for who we really are then we won't be affected by them anymore because it will be harder for them or anyone else to break that image that we worked so hard to love.
be strong and keep your head high...you're getting there...keep it up.
hugs
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Old 11-29-2004, 11:43 PM
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It is amazing the power we give our A. And we don't even know we gave it to them. We have the choice to take it back.

I know exactly what you are speaking of. Mine made me feel so ugly and just useless. One day in an argument I looked at him and told him I am a beautiful, intellegent woman with a good heart you can not take that from me anymore. I will never forget the look on his face. All he said was "I know". I actually smiled and he got up and left. why that ended the fight i do not know but it made me feel good.

To a degree we have been brainwashed. manipulating us into what they need/want.

What has happened to you in my opinion is normal, until you stop it from happening.

I want some pie too.

All the best,
Coldgrip
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Old 11-30-2004, 06:36 AM
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Thanks for your insight everyone.

Welcome to SR, Tinkerbell. You've found a wonderful place and I hope you stick around.

Wraybear, I can not believe I haven't ever seen that Saturday Night Live quote on these boards before !! How appropriate !!! You made me laugh.

I think that maybe, since I've been away from my AH, I've come to realize that other people out there in the world think I'm a great person. Empowering me is not to his advantage. I will probably never get validation or approval from him. It's not because I'm not a great person - it is just the way it is. Maybe once I stop looking for that, I will realize that I don't need it.

I think it's important that I understand this and why it happened so that I can establish boundaries to keep it from happening again. You've all helped me to begin to do that and I thank you all.
Hugs - L
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Old 11-30-2004, 08:24 AM
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Lorelai,
It's always progress and not perfection for me. I used to live like that. Now I occasionally fall back. Sometimes there are strong triggers that I don't have a defense for. Some people in my life just know what buttons to push to get me reacting in the way they want. I don't know if I'll ever be immune to that. But I have to look at it as temporary, and not nearly as devastating.

Maybe some day you will not react to him that way. But like others have said, it takes time. I believe you have come a long way. Not perfect, but sooooo much better. Hugs, Magic
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Old 11-30-2004, 08:40 PM
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When I look back at all the stages I have gone through and all the pain, guilt, and fear that I have lived-I agree it takes time.

It took me a year of planning and preparation before I could escape. I needed outside help (from family out of state)...And I decided the day my oldest daughter graduated would be that day. For six months I painfully let go. I built up my own character, made a few friends and counted down the days. There really hasnt been one day I didnt love him and it was very very hard but I knew it was my only chance to live a life where I wasnt guilty, hurting, and afraid. I drove away as normal that day, longingly looking one last time into his eyes with love,(he looked back at me cold and only glad to see me go so he could binge) tears strolling down my face for hours and hours til I was numb and several states away.

On that 2 day drive I decided to give myself time. If i needed to call him or had that terrible urge- I would wait 6 hours-then if i still wanted to call I would...but usually I was angry again by that time and it worked this way all summer. I think I only called him 3 times and each time I regreted it-figures, lol. I returned to our homestate when school started again and rebuilt the kids and my life here.

The moral of my story is I use time now to control my urges and I need to remember that I may feel rotten, or weak one hour of the day-but it shall pass and I will be stronger in a day or two. I am not hard on myself and I just ride it out. It gets easier each time...I feel strong today! Thanks for the welcome Lorelai and SNL laughs Wray.
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