Another fight, he left
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Another fight, he left
I'm numb. We had a fight after I took the bait on a snarky question of his. I'm tired. Just tired of everything. After going round and round with nothing but pointless criticisms, I told him that I can't keep doing this. I need peace. Whatever that means for me. I need peace. I love him but it's not enough.
I gave him the choice-he leaves or I do. He packed up a large suitcase and left.
I'm numb. I don't know what's going to happen but I hurt. I'm sorry that this is the path we've taken. Or more like-the path he chose and dragged me down. I can't do it anymore. I need peace.
I gave him the choice-he leaves or I do. He packed up a large suitcase and left.
I'm numb. I don't know what's going to happen but I hurt. I'm sorry that this is the path we've taken. Or more like-the path he chose and dragged me down. I can't do it anymore. I need peace.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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This pattern goes back at least five years, right? You asked for a separation in December 2015?
At some point, who’s right and who’s wrong just doesn’t matter anymore. Relationships end, even relationships that haven’t been warped by addiction. They end because the fundamentals of a relationship—trust, companionship, warmth, affection, mutual respect, kindness—are gone.
So you can keep lowering your expectations until they’re non-existent and stay married...many do. But is that what you want?
You don’t have to decide anything tonight. Try to rest, okay? Be gentle with yourself.
At some point, who’s right and who’s wrong just doesn’t matter anymore. Relationships end, even relationships that haven’t been warped by addiction. They end because the fundamentals of a relationship—trust, companionship, warmth, affection, mutual respect, kindness—are gone.
So you can keep lowering your expectations until they’re non-existent and stay married...many do. But is that what you want?
You don’t have to decide anything tonight. Try to rest, okay? Be gentle with yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Flower, you okay?
I'll be the one to leave in order to make it stick. I'm disappointed. He has no intention of changing.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Flowers,
I'm sorry your hurting. The promises he's saying
mean nothing unless he has a plan and follows through with it. How many of these promise's have you heard and they didn't come to fruition. As you know at alcoholic will say anything and do anything to get you back on their side.
You do need peace and a place you can feel safe and happy. I can imagine it's been a while for those things for you. Keep being strong.
I'm sorry your hurting. The promises he's saying
mean nothing unless he has a plan and follows through with it. How many of these promise's have you heard and they didn't come to fruition. As you know at alcoholic will say anything and do anything to get you back on their side.
You do need peace and a place you can feel safe and happy. I can imagine it's been a while for those things for you. Keep being strong.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Flower,
What do you want from him? (Besides him getting sober). You want a healthy relationship, respect, and love. Thinking back to when you first got together, did you ever have that? Most addicts are and always have been very selfish people, they think of only themselves. It's always about their wants and needs.
Eventually we realize what we have given up in life to "make" them happy, and an addict is never happy, that's why they self medicate. Its called the merry go round of life. The only way that it will stop is if you get off the merry go round.
Put together a plan, you are in no hurry. If you leave take copies of everything, as you might not be able to get back in. Make sure that all bills ,if they are in your name, are sent to your email and in the auto pay. Some spouses get very angry and stop paying the bills and you don't want to lose your home or credit.
Do you have a place that you can go and stay? Do you have any money put aside or open another bank account in your name. Who's name is the car or phone in, just in case he calls the police and says you took his stuff. Addicts get very angry and spiteful when you tick them off. Work on a plan, get all your ducks in a row and move out (if that is what you choose) on your terms and under your condition. I would not share anything with him.
Sending you hope and strength that you are successful in your future plans.
What do you want from him? (Besides him getting sober). You want a healthy relationship, respect, and love. Thinking back to when you first got together, did you ever have that? Most addicts are and always have been very selfish people, they think of only themselves. It's always about their wants and needs.
Eventually we realize what we have given up in life to "make" them happy, and an addict is never happy, that's why they self medicate. Its called the merry go round of life. The only way that it will stop is if you get off the merry go round.
Put together a plan, you are in no hurry. If you leave take copies of everything, as you might not be able to get back in. Make sure that all bills ,if they are in your name, are sent to your email and in the auto pay. Some spouses get very angry and stop paying the bills and you don't want to lose your home or credit.
Do you have a place that you can go and stay? Do you have any money put aside or open another bank account in your name. Who's name is the car or phone in, just in case he calls the police and says you took his stuff. Addicts get very angry and spiteful when you tick them off. Work on a plan, get all your ducks in a row and move out (if that is what you choose) on your terms and under your condition. I would not share anything with him.
Sending you hope and strength that you are successful in your future plans.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
I was so stupid to answer that text of "Can we talk?". I thought it'd be just on the phone and it didn't even dawn on me that he would just come back into the house instead. He didn't even bring in his bags until after I had left for lunch plans with a friend. I should have known that he wouldn't stay away (I can't really keep him out of the house anyway and his parents probably told him that). Why would he stay away? It doesn't serve his purpose. It doesn't matter what I want anymore-not sure that it ever mattered.
He's wanting me to confirm that I want to work on the marriage. I refuse to. I don't know what I want anymore. So I'm honest-Sometimes I want it to work and sometimes I don't. I told him that I'm beaten down, have no confidences in the promises of change, and said that I'm not sure that I have anything left to give.
I told him that he says all of the right things, but I no longer have confidences in the actual actions of change. I don't really even know what the "changes" are-it's just a vague statement.
My mom says that I can keep anything that I need to get out of the house in her basement. Not sure what kinds of things that would be.
He's wanting me to confirm that I want to work on the marriage. I refuse to. I don't know what I want anymore. So I'm honest-Sometimes I want it to work and sometimes I don't. I told him that I'm beaten down, have no confidences in the promises of change, and said that I'm not sure that I have anything left to give.
I told him that he says all of the right things, but I no longer have confidences in the actual actions of change. I don't really even know what the "changes" are-it's just a vague statement.
My mom says that I can keep anything that I need to get out of the house in her basement. Not sure what kinds of things that would be.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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flower...…...Sometimes, when it is too confusing to state what you DO want.....it can be more clarifying to know what you DON'T want...…
C an you think of the things that you absolutely don't want in your closest intimate relationship....under any circumstances.....
I think that is a good place to establish your boundaries to protect yourself.....
You will have to protect yourself and your happiness...as he is not able to do it.....
C an you think of the things that you absolutely don't want in your closest intimate relationship....under any circumstances.....
I think that is a good place to establish your boundaries to protect yourself.....
You will have to protect yourself and your happiness...as he is not able to do it.....
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Flowers,
Right now the only thing you would like is a husband that doesn't drink, treats you with respect , is kind and loving, and maybe breakfast in bed every now and then. Are you getting any of those things. Is he working on giving up on Alcohol. If he doesn't have a plan for that. That included help from AA or something simular. Then the cycle is going to get worse.
It sounds like you mom is there to help out. Be safe and look after your self. Stay strong and have a great day.
Right now the only thing you would like is a husband that doesn't drink, treats you with respect , is kind and loving, and maybe breakfast in bed every now and then. Are you getting any of those things. Is he working on giving up on Alcohol. If he doesn't have a plan for that. That included help from AA or something simular. Then the cycle is going to get worse.
It sounds like you mom is there to help out. Be safe and look after your self. Stay strong and have a great day.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by dandylion
it can be more clarifying to know what you DON'T want
Thank you dandylion!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Flower,
You don't need to make any rash decisions today. Start taking stuff, slowly over to your moms. Start putting lists together for your future. Please keep this hidden as you don't want him to know your plans.
When the addicts in our lives are trying to get sober, their words mean nothing, its their actions. They always say you can recognize someone who is "working" on themselves. Slowly make small changes, and then you will see your progress. If by chance he gets hit in the head by a serenity stick and turns sober and into prince charming, then he will never know what you had been planning. As they say in AA, one day at a time.
You don't need to make any rash decisions today. Start taking stuff, slowly over to your moms. Start putting lists together for your future. Please keep this hidden as you don't want him to know your plans.
When the addicts in our lives are trying to get sober, their words mean nothing, its their actions. They always say you can recognize someone who is "working" on themselves. Slowly make small changes, and then you will see your progress. If by chance he gets hit in the head by a serenity stick and turns sober and into prince charming, then he will never know what you had been planning. As they say in AA, one day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
This past week has been more peaceful. I took a step back from the whole situation. I've been reading a lot this past week. I hope it helps me to understand better and help me deal with my own emotions better. I want to let go.
I worked on a budget and looked at apartments online to get an idea of what I was looking at if I chose to leave. I have a plan in place for my attorney's retainer.
In an act of frustration & anger, I dumped out the majority of the alcohol. It made me feel better short term, but I know that it won't change anything.
He's been on his "best" behavior this past week. I got glimpses of the man I married. It's still heartbreaking because ultimately, I know this is to loop me back into this marriage. He'll do just enough until he feels like he can gradually start to do his own thing. It's a vicious cycle, but I know this.
I worked on a budget and looked at apartments online to get an idea of what I was looking at if I chose to leave. I have a plan in place for my attorney's retainer.
In an act of frustration & anger, I dumped out the majority of the alcohol. It made me feel better short term, but I know that it won't change anything.
He's been on his "best" behavior this past week. I got glimpses of the man I married. It's still heartbreaking because ultimately, I know this is to loop me back into this marriage. He'll do just enough until he feels like he can gradually start to do his own thing. It's a vicious cycle, but I know this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Keep working on your exit plan, because you are right, relapse is a matter of time.
You aren't trapped if you don't choose to be--wishing you the best in a difficult situation flower--
You aren't trapped if you don't choose to be--wishing you the best in a difficult situation flower--
I didn't mean to imply that he wasn't drinking. He thinks he's "controlling" it . He doesn't want to stop drinking.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 33
Hi flower, I feel we are in a similar place. My partner left 10 nights ago (yes I’m counting). He hasn’t come back, but texts me that he’s depressed.. 0f course, he’s still drinking. I looked into apartments for me and my daughter. I can financially stay in the house, but it’s a lot of work. I got a little mad today Bc I realize that his texts are all about poor him. He doesn’t ask how I am, how the dogs are that I now have to deal with, how the snow shoveling is going, etc.
I think my feeling mad is actually a good thing Bc I don’t feel bad for him today. We have gotten back together after breakups in the past. He is always on his best behavior for the first few weeks. He does things that I would have to practically beg him to do before. It’s short lived...be careful with that. I find it frustrating that he only really steps up to the plate when I get to this point. I’ve done a lot of reading m, too. This is the first breakup that I’ve actually looked into things. I’m listening to Codependence no More’ that many people suggested here. I’m only 30 minutes in, but it’s already helped me a lot. I’m driving alone, saying out loud “OMG...that’s me! So true! Been there! Done that!’ Have you read it? If not, I suggest it!
Good luck and stay strong. I know it’s not easy.
I think my feeling mad is actually a good thing Bc I don’t feel bad for him today. We have gotten back together after breakups in the past. He is always on his best behavior for the first few weeks. He does things that I would have to practically beg him to do before. It’s short lived...be careful with that. I find it frustrating that he only really steps up to the plate when I get to this point. I’ve done a lot of reading m, too. This is the first breakup that I’ve actually looked into things. I’m listening to Codependence no More’ that many people suggested here. I’m only 30 minutes in, but it’s already helped me a lot. I’m driving alone, saying out loud “OMG...that’s me! So true! Been there! Done that!’ Have you read it? If not, I suggest it!
Good luck and stay strong. I know it’s not easy.
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