The door is open...please push me through!
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 30
The door is open...please push me through!
Hellp everyone! I'm new here and found you by doing a Google search of "my alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me" I should add...again and again...and again. The door has been open for awhile. He used to live with me and our fights caused us to seek couples counseling. Our therapist realized right away he was an alcoholic (this is new to me) and she worked with us separately and together. Fights would entail him drinking so much and passing out and leaving the doors open. My home...and I felt unsafe. And when he drank he flirt with women online and as a daughter of a cheating father as well as my ex husband...it is a trigger for me. Our fights would end with him saying I make him feel uncomfortable in my home and he is leaving...just give him two weeks. Then after three days of not talking to me during hangover time he would come back ashamed and say he never meant it. The dance continues until I see what he is writing on a chat one day to some random ex fling of his while drunk and again...he will leave just give him two weeks. I called him on it and said this weekend. So in his hangover time of not talking to me he found a place. I sought out Al anon and he begged to stay but our therapist urged the move out. We stayed together while he has his own place. My boundaries were that there was no being around me drunk. They were tested and I stood by them and after nasty messages because I left his home when he was drunk he didnt talk to me for two weeks. Comes back and the boundaries stuck. We have had this dance a lot and when we have the "break up distance part of his cycle" he comes back with travel plans. Now the thing you should know is that when we travel we are on honeymoon stage. No triggers no issues...all amazing. And amazing places... India..Europe....all over Mexico...(where we live) so when I am ready to be out of this he lures me back in.
he moved out a year ago and this last Christmas was going to be our 4th together. We just came back from a great trip. We are in honeymoon phase. Therapist warns me that he is feeling too much love so prepare for the dark side (he has severe depression) and boom
Christmas eve. I cooked for 3 days for a dinner and when I called him to come help me with details he shows up lit. I asked him "have you been drinking " and I was upset. He went ballistic and took all the things he has for sleep overs at my house and left me. Said it was all on me and left me. He never stayed dinner nor went to my parent's on Christmas day... writes the next Saturday asking for me to put everything left of his in a trash bag in the garage and he will get it and return keys. But I wasn't home. Tries another week later but this time says he has downloaded the series we were watching together on a USB and will give it to me to watch and if he could have his stuff. I was busy. Finally last Tuesday exactly 3 weeks since he left me comes and gets his things and can hardly look me in the eyes. And notices I never opened my Christmas present that he dropped on the floor when he left me. I said it didn't feel right to open it not the way I recieved it. He asked me to have it as it was something he got for me "when we were happy" he took his presents to him and his things and told me his dad had a stroke. I asked if I can write his dad and he said... I dont want us to be mad at each other I miss my friend I miss you I want us to be support eachother and I want to take care of you. I stayed as quiet as I could. He said it is sad our relationship didnt advance but you dont like things about me and I cant live like that. He left and when he opened his presents he wrote how much he loved them etc. I still haven't brought myself to open mine. I started writing emotional things about how I put a lot of thought into it...etc. but then deleted it ( which he can read that it is deleted) and I just wrote you're welcome. He said Haha I wonder what you wrote before. I didn't answer.
So here I am. Door open. But I care and worry about him.
He was married before and tried to get sober to save his marriage and three daughters. His marriage ended anyways and he was sober 6 years. Worked on his depression at a clinic and therapy and Then relapsed when his mom committed suicide ( lots of depression around his mother and his father's physical abuse) I keep hoping he will go back to AA but the therapist said he didn't do it for himself last time. He knows the majority of his issues are with alcohol but he still isnt taking care of it.
So here we are today. Almost 4 weeks since he left me on Christmas eve. But and I know there should not be a but... but. I keep wishing and hoping he seeks AA again. But I hear the stories even with recovery. It is just as difficult and the depression traits of just going silent on me for 3 days to two weeks will continue. The online fantasy life will continue. And I worry what he will just replace his addiction with... but I am getting ahead of myself. He is not seeking help and the current status is. The door is open so help me see the light on the other side or force down my throat that it will only get worse.
he moved out a year ago and this last Christmas was going to be our 4th together. We just came back from a great trip. We are in honeymoon phase. Therapist warns me that he is feeling too much love so prepare for the dark side (he has severe depression) and boom
Christmas eve. I cooked for 3 days for a dinner and when I called him to come help me with details he shows up lit. I asked him "have you been drinking " and I was upset. He went ballistic and took all the things he has for sleep overs at my house and left me. Said it was all on me and left me. He never stayed dinner nor went to my parent's on Christmas day... writes the next Saturday asking for me to put everything left of his in a trash bag in the garage and he will get it and return keys. But I wasn't home. Tries another week later but this time says he has downloaded the series we were watching together on a USB and will give it to me to watch and if he could have his stuff. I was busy. Finally last Tuesday exactly 3 weeks since he left me comes and gets his things and can hardly look me in the eyes. And notices I never opened my Christmas present that he dropped on the floor when he left me. I said it didn't feel right to open it not the way I recieved it. He asked me to have it as it was something he got for me "when we were happy" he took his presents to him and his things and told me his dad had a stroke. I asked if I can write his dad and he said... I dont want us to be mad at each other I miss my friend I miss you I want us to be support eachother and I want to take care of you. I stayed as quiet as I could. He said it is sad our relationship didnt advance but you dont like things about me and I cant live like that. He left and when he opened his presents he wrote how much he loved them etc. I still haven't brought myself to open mine. I started writing emotional things about how I put a lot of thought into it...etc. but then deleted it ( which he can read that it is deleted) and I just wrote you're welcome. He said Haha I wonder what you wrote before. I didn't answer.
So here I am. Door open. But I care and worry about him.
He was married before and tried to get sober to save his marriage and three daughters. His marriage ended anyways and he was sober 6 years. Worked on his depression at a clinic and therapy and Then relapsed when his mom committed suicide ( lots of depression around his mother and his father's physical abuse) I keep hoping he will go back to AA but the therapist said he didn't do it for himself last time. He knows the majority of his issues are with alcohol but he still isnt taking care of it.
So here we are today. Almost 4 weeks since he left me on Christmas eve. But and I know there should not be a but... but. I keep wishing and hoping he seeks AA again. But I hear the stories even with recovery. It is just as difficult and the depression traits of just going silent on me for 3 days to two weeks will continue. The online fantasy life will continue. And I worry what he will just replace his addiction with... but I am getting ahead of myself. He is not seeking help and the current status is. The door is open so help me see the light on the other side or force down my throat that it will only get worse.
Last edited by Stephczm; 01-17-2020 at 05:56 PM. Reason: Misspelling
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
As someone who has dealt with the merry go round for the last 3 years, I can say with 1000% certainty that you should save yourself the trouble of pondering what to do, seeking endless advice, trying "one more time", etc, and just roll out now! You are here for a reason, and this (your sitiation) will not change no matter how much you want it to. Your life will be tough for a while, im currently in the middle of that phase myself, while going thru the changes, but as I've learned from spending hours and hours reading these pages and all its advice---this will get better but not until you start the process. Good luck!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
hi Stephczm and welcome, glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.
I guess you've probably read some of the threads already? I would also recommend the stickies section at the top, in particular this section, lots of knowledge there:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Well, the door is open, have you had enough? You know this relationship is going no where, but if that is what you want, well no judgement here.
On the flipside, is this good enough for you? You really deserve more you know, to be treated with kindness, respect, honesty. Don't you think you deserve that?
Unfortunately, you aren't going to find that in the relationship you are in (as you know).
It kind of sounds like you are hoping he will become someone he is not, hoping he will go back to AA, recover, be fine - well that's a pretty tall order and he doesn't seem inclined, at least right now, to do that. Alcoholism is progressive, so yes, it will get worse. Really though, it sounds pretty damn awful to me already.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). He will get sober when he is ready and not one minute before.
It's a bad idea to stay in a relationship with someone's "potential". Really you have to accept him just as he is, an alcoholic and everything that goes along with that.
It's a pretty miserable existence. Yes, if you stay away from him now, basically formalizing the break up it is going to hurt. You have been with him for a while and shared some good times - but that's short term pain for long term gain as they say around here. You will feel better eventually, you won't always feel sad and hurt.
Have you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? If not I would really recommend you do. I'm not saying you are codependent, I don't know! But there is a lot of good information on boundaries in there.
I guess you've probably read some of the threads already? I would also recommend the stickies section at the top, in particular this section, lots of knowledge there:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Well, the door is open, have you had enough? You know this relationship is going no where, but if that is what you want, well no judgement here.
On the flipside, is this good enough for you? You really deserve more you know, to be treated with kindness, respect, honesty. Don't you think you deserve that?
Unfortunately, you aren't going to find that in the relationship you are in (as you know).
It kind of sounds like you are hoping he will become someone he is not, hoping he will go back to AA, recover, be fine - well that's a pretty tall order and he doesn't seem inclined, at least right now, to do that. Alcoholism is progressive, so yes, it will get worse. Really though, it sounds pretty damn awful to me already.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). He will get sober when he is ready and not one minute before.
It's a bad idea to stay in a relationship with someone's "potential". Really you have to accept him just as he is, an alcoholic and everything that goes along with that.
It's a pretty miserable existence. Yes, if you stay away from him now, basically formalizing the break up it is going to hurt. You have been with him for a while and shared some good times - but that's short term pain for long term gain as they say around here. You will feel better eventually, you won't always feel sad and hurt.
Have you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? If not I would really recommend you do. I'm not saying you are codependent, I don't know! But there is a lot of good information on boundaries in there.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Please, for the sake of any future peace, happiness & healthy relationship you could have for yourself, RUN.
Your relationship is about fun filled rendezvous interspersed with
drunkenness and abusive unfaithful treatment towards you. He has
left a path of destruction behind him. Yes, he has had much sorrow
in his life, but his choices in how to handle and cope with it are certain
to bring much more despair to him and you will feel the brunt of it.
Around here we say it is not required that we set ourselves on fire
to keep someone else warm.
Please consider counseling to help you understand how
having a cheating father and ex husband is preventing you
(and will continue without counseling) from making
healthy choices in relationships.
Your relationship is about fun filled rendezvous interspersed with
drunkenness and abusive unfaithful treatment towards you. He has
left a path of destruction behind him. Yes, he has had much sorrow
in his life, but his choices in how to handle and cope with it are certain
to bring much more despair to him and you will feel the brunt of it.
Around here we say it is not required that we set ourselves on fire
to keep someone else warm.
Please consider counseling to help you understand how
having a cheating father and ex husband is preventing you
(and will continue without counseling) from making
healthy choices in relationships.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Please don't waste time on this relationship. The years add up and you're still where you started, while missing out on meeting other potential partners who are not As. I know you love him, but it's never going to end.
Block him, and make efforts to get out and meet other people of all sorts so you can recalibrate your idea of what a real loving relationship looks like.
Block him, and make efforts to get out and meet other people of all sorts so you can recalibrate your idea of what a real loving relationship looks like.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 30
I truly thank everyone for their comments. I found this forum last night and read some threads then got emotionally exhausted and had to stop. This morning after my 5 am wake up with yoga and meditation and 30 minutes of working out ( goals of self care ) I sat and started reading the link that was posted above of classic reading. Wow. It was fate that this forum came to me now. It is giving me a perspective and strength that is getting nailed in the head even though I have heard the same from friends and my therapist. Reading it from those who are "in it" is helping a lot. I am turning 48 this year and my therapist says a lot of my reason for not leaving is fear of being alone. I live somewhere that the pickings are not that abundant. Also I stop myself from feeling the sadness. Which I was just reading about the grieving process. I have a lot more to read and I am happy now I have this forum to keep me on a steady path. If history repeats he will be back and sweet talk me or do something that will hurt me and I need to remember that this is progressive. It will only get worse and he told me from his own mouth that he will not stop drinking. He likes it. So why the hell do I not listen to him!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR stephczm!
This forum has a way of finding people when they are ready. I’m glad you have an established counselor. Maybe you can review with them where you are at how best to make changes for your own well being.
As for future partner candidates being scarce where you are, don’t worry about that until you’ve worked through this current situation. The healthier and stronger you are in what you need and want in a worthy relationship, the right partner might just appear just like this forum did (when you are ready). Your counselor again can be a wise advocate in moving forward .
I adore Codependent No More. I reread it periodically bc I need refreshers on boundaries. All the best to you journeying forward!
This forum has a way of finding people when they are ready. I’m glad you have an established counselor. Maybe you can review with them where you are at how best to make changes for your own well being.
As for future partner candidates being scarce where you are, don’t worry about that until you’ve worked through this current situation. The healthier and stronger you are in what you need and want in a worthy relationship, the right partner might just appear just like this forum did (when you are ready). Your counselor again can be a wise advocate in moving forward .
I adore Codependent No More. I reread it periodically bc I need refreshers on boundaries. All the best to you journeying forward!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Well, perhaps it is really sinking in now. Plus I don't imagine things have been as bad as they have been lately? It is progressive and aside from his 6 years sober I assume he has been drinking for some time.
He has stated he doesn't want to stop drinking and I would take him at his word. Don't hope for AA or therapy or something to "save" him, he has made his decision and that won't change until he decides that it will.
These long silences, the cheating online, the break ups and making up, that all sounds just awful.
Also, this come here go away, push/pull thing must play with your self-esteem and self-worth. It's hard on the recipient of the bad treatment, no matter how strong you are, it does affect you (as I'm sure you know).
He has stated he doesn't want to stop drinking and I would take him at his word. Don't hope for AA or therapy or something to "save" him, he has made his decision and that won't change until he decides that it will.
These long silences, the cheating online, the break ups and making up, that all sounds just awful.
Also, this come here go away, push/pull thing must play with your self-esteem and self-worth. It's hard on the recipient of the bad treatment, no matter how strong you are, it does affect you (as I'm sure you know).
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Steph,
Welcome and glad you found us. You will be ok, my friend. You need some support from people who understand what life is like with an addict. Not fun and it can only get worse. I hate to say that if he couldn't get sober for his wife, home and kids, chances are a girlfriend will not be a high priority either.
Seek support, sounds like you have an amazing therapist. No one says you need to stop loving your boyfriend, you can just love him from a distance. You do not need to be present in his life today. I would cut all contact, phone, email and all social media. You don't need to see what he is up to because it is very common an addict will find another victim very quickly, they do not like to be alone.
Keep posting, hit some alanon meeting and your therapist. Your life will slowly calm down and you will be ok!! hugs!!
Welcome and glad you found us. You will be ok, my friend. You need some support from people who understand what life is like with an addict. Not fun and it can only get worse. I hate to say that if he couldn't get sober for his wife, home and kids, chances are a girlfriend will not be a high priority either.
Seek support, sounds like you have an amazing therapist. No one says you need to stop loving your boyfriend, you can just love him from a distance. You do not need to be present in his life today. I would cut all contact, phone, email and all social media. You don't need to see what he is up to because it is very common an addict will find another victim very quickly, they do not like to be alone.
Keep posting, hit some alanon meeting and your therapist. Your life will slowly calm down and you will be ok!! hugs!!
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 30
This will be the hardest part....You do not need to be present in his life today. I would cut all contact, phone, email and all social media. You don't need to see what he is up to because it is very common an addict will find another victim very quickly, they do not like to be alone.
It is a small town and seeing him with someone else will hurt so much. He was sober at the end of his marriage to try to keep his family but the damage was done. He stayed sober for 6 years until his mom committed suicide in 2013. So he has 7 years drinking again.
I know I'm going on the right path finally and the road will be rocky. I thank this forum for coming into my life right now. To get to an alanon meeting I have to take a boat for 40 min and some days the session is when I work.
It is a small town and seeing him with someone else will hurt so much. He was sober at the end of his marriage to try to keep his family but the damage was done. He stayed sober for 6 years until his mom committed suicide in 2013. So he has 7 years drinking again.
I know I'm going on the right path finally and the road will be rocky. I thank this forum for coming into my life right now. To get to an alanon meeting I have to take a boat for 40 min and some days the session is when I work.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Still try to make every attempt to go to the meetings, it will be
worth it & I hope the meeting is a good "fit" for you.
Please remember that many people have suffered extraordinary
losses and grief in their lives and yet have managed to go on
to live their lives productively, have healthy relationships and
treat their loved ones with respect and kindness, love and honesty.
Addiction is not an excuse to treat people with disdain, meanness or
abuse of any kind.
If you are thinking that the pain of the relationship is less than
the pain of seeing him with someone else let me just say that
one day you will come to see the folly of this logic and it will be
very painful.
worth it & I hope the meeting is a good "fit" for you.
Please remember that many people have suffered extraordinary
losses and grief in their lives and yet have managed to go on
to live their lives productively, have healthy relationships and
treat their loved ones with respect and kindness, love and honesty.
Addiction is not an excuse to treat people with disdain, meanness or
abuse of any kind.
If you are thinking that the pain of the relationship is less than
the pain of seeing him with someone else let me just say that
one day you will come to see the folly of this logic and it will be
very painful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 30
One instance that keeps playing in my mind was when his daughter was visiting (they are all in their 20s) and he came home drunk and was screaming such awful things to her. He never got that bad to me. He forced her in the car to drive home (he already moved out and he had his daughter come to my house that day because he was going to work and my house is closer to everything she could walk to...then it turned out he "forgot" it was the companies Christmas party and can she stay with me longer. Which I quickly realized was the plan all along.) A co worker had to drive him to my house because he was too drunk and he came in directly to scream at his daughter calling her names I was appalled to hear and then forced her into the car to go home. I told her to stay but I think she was too scared of him If she did. I then got a glimpse of what that home life must have been like when he was married. These are things I have to remember and say to myself that he will only get worse and i could be on the other end of that or in that car one day. Athough I always took the keys from him and he always agreed when I did. My biggest worry is that he just bought a motorcycle. Every siren I hear I fear it is him in a crash.
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She is the rebel child and into drugs and promiscuity and that was what he was yelling about but yes it was awful and I was the one who stayed away from him after that for two weeks and he found his way back... these things need to be the play wheel in my head not the romantic trip to Paris or the tuk tuk ride in India. I know he will find some other victim quickly but I have to think...let him be someone else's alcoholic and i am free and safe and happy in the confidence that I did all I could with the hope he would seek help.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
A therapist might tell you she is promiscuous and into drugs because
she grew up in a dysfunctional family and is the ACOA (adult child
of alcoholic). It affects all members of a family in a negative way--
part of the trail of destruction.
she grew up in a dysfunctional family and is the ACOA (adult child
of alcoholic). It affects all members of a family in a negative way--
part of the trail of destruction.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Tools - a really good tool is writing a list of all the terrible things he has done or said to you, something you can quickly refer to - even 20 times a day if needed at first. Every time the great trip memories surface, pull out the list.
- Bailed on me after I spent 3 days cooking xmas dinner
- Showed up on xmas eve drunk
- Had his daughter stay with me so he could get drunk at a party
- Screamed at his daughter
- Ignores me for weeks or days
- Is never available to drive
- etc etc etc
You get the idea, enough detail to remind you, short enough to glimpse quickly to be reminded.
This tells your brain, hang on, when I think of him it's not all "fun trips". Secondly, the mind doesn't really like to replay negative stuff. Imagine if it did! This is a way to curb those thoughts and remind yourself.
You know he isn't ready to get help, he has told you, so you can count on that. You are already 4 weeks in to no contact.
- Bailed on me after I spent 3 days cooking xmas dinner
- Showed up on xmas eve drunk
- Had his daughter stay with me so he could get drunk at a party
- Screamed at his daughter
- Ignores me for weeks or days
- Is never available to drive
- etc etc etc
You get the idea, enough detail to remind you, short enough to glimpse quickly to be reminded.
This tells your brain, hang on, when I think of him it's not all "fun trips". Secondly, the mind doesn't really like to replay negative stuff. Imagine if it did! This is a way to curb those thoughts and remind yourself.
You know he isn't ready to get help, he has told you, so you can count on that. You are already 4 weeks in to no contact.
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I will work on my list...thank you. The no contact was broken by him to get his things and when he opened his presents and thanked me I responded very short answers. He did something intentionally hurtful on fb two days ago after I ceased to respond to him. I could only imagine he was drinking. Over and over again I told him I wanted to be taken out to dinner ...dress up... not just watch Netflix every night. A real date. So when some old work friend commented on his picture in the thread of comments he told her " we should go out for dinner" they agreed on a day and he said..ok you have a date ... dress up."
Reinforced that he flirts while drinking ( tons of spelling errors) so it was obvious and this time made it public which was a bit humiliating as no one knows we broke up. Last photos are of our trip to San Francisco kissing in front of the Golden Gate Bridge just last month.
Reinforced that he flirts while drinking ( tons of spelling errors) so it was obvious and this time made it public which was a bit humiliating as no one knows we broke up. Last photos are of our trip to San Francisco kissing in front of the Golden Gate Bridge just last month.
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When drinking if he felt insecure he would say hurtful things or tell me he is going to move on since I dont except his drinking and get sex (even though we were together days prior) and say if he has to he will get a hooker. I turned plant based over a year ago and he would blame me that now we cannot cook together anymore and his way of showing me love is through cooking for me and since now I'm vegan/plant based it is my fault we were falling apart. When I did something healthy for myself he would wave goodbye in a jest that the healthier I got the less we will have in common. But when we met we played tennis together and were active. He is just getting fatter and now that I took control of my eating and working out every day like I used to before I met him...his insecurities get worse. Thinking I am in love with someone else etc.
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He follows porn stars and models on Instagram and tells them he loves them they are so gorgeous and to come and visit him. He is that guy along with 450 other men writing to them. And all his Instagram photos are him single and Facebook is with me. This forum is helping me write "the bad"
But then sober... he loves me and he is proud of my efforts and I am looking amazing with my new found lifestyle of plant based and he watched the documentaries and wanted to try. Especially because his acupuncturist made him do a blood test and his cholesterol is 480 when danger zone was 250.
But then sober... he loves me and he is proud of my efforts and I am looking amazing with my new found lifestyle of plant based and he watched the documentaries and wanted to try. Especially because his acupuncturist made him do a blood test and his cholesterol is 480 when danger zone was 250.
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