Amaranth

I had news yesterday that the papers have travelled through the different offices of the divorce process and my husband will be sent a letter within days. It's taken a really long time to get to this stage and I thought I would feel relieved.

But I am terrified ..... I'm so anxious I have a knot in my stomach and I burst into tears at the slightest upset. Why??? Because my kids live in the house with him. My husband says it's their house and I'm going to make them all homeless. This is of course rubbish..... The kids can come and live with me .... if we have to sell the house there will be money to buy another one .... and anyway there are loads of other options to come to a settlement that don't involve selling the house. If only my husband would actually speak to me about it.

My head has been stuck in this chapter of the story for months. Getting on with the divorce will resolve things one way or the other. I have been to see my psychologist today. she says the kids are emotionally blackmailing me. It's interesting because the kids keep accusing me of emotional blackmail, being a victim and "talking like a lawyer", whatever that means. I know they get all this from their dad and I don't enter into discussions about it.

I am feeling very alone in this "battle". I really don't want a battle, I just want a divorce. There are a lot of young people living at our family home (including dead girlfriend's daughter) and it's turned into a party house. My husband seems to be some kind of Fagin character. I know it's stupid but I feel like they are all going to paint me as the big baddie that took their house away.

My psychologist said to seperate the two parts of the divorce. One is economic and one is emotional. I'm trying to do that. I'm just dreading his reaction when he gets the letter.

I took the kids away for 2 weeks over the holidays. we had a really great time and managed to only talk about the divorce once. I felt really close to them, they were really loving and thanked me for the "best holiday ever" which was so brilliant to hear. Now we're back to "reality".

I feel like I'm divorcing three people not one and they have a big gang behind them. I've just got me and my free lawyer. I'm feeling pretty small.....

ironwill

Amaranth,

First of all you are not alone. We are here to listen and give the best advice we can. Don't feel down on your self, take a deep breath and know that you are doing the best thing for yourself and your kids. I went back and reread your old post. You have been through a lot and had to deal with a lot. I am glad you had a good Christmas break with the kids. You needed that.

Since your AH is still drinking he is going to tell lies and manipulate everything and every conversation to make it so you look like the bad guy for not letting him do what he wants to do (Drink). The kids need to be a safe location including the dead girlfriends daughter. If your husband is still drinking it can't be a good place for the kids to be.

I know your stomach is in knots, but know it will pass and you will be able to have a happy life again. Just take it one day at a time and try to focus on your health and happiness. Keep you kids safe. Have a beautiful day and stay strong.

hopeful4

I am sorry you are feeling alone. Unfortunately, since he is unable to manipulate you he is using your children. It's terrible. They will come around. They will form a new normal that is not focused on this. Give it time. Until then, do you have friends you can meet up with or even a meeting that provides you with face to face support?

Sending you a big hug!

Sen

Amaranth

it can't be a good place for the kids to be

It's a terrible environment for the kids. They are at the age that they think it's all fantastic ..... a house with absolutely no boundaries ... they can do whatever they want. I'm hoping that in time that will wear thin...in my experience a house full of party people doing whatever they want always means not doing what you don't want to do too ..... dishes, cooking, take the rubbish out. I'm trying to stand back and let it implode but it's hard. My kids can come to me whenever they want, they just choose not to very often ...... something about there being no alcohol in my house and they have to smoke outside ........ also don't have a TV.
Wow. I do sound boring (from their point of view)

Amaranth

thank you hopeful 4. Yes I am very lucky to have a coda meeting in my town and a big circle of friends that support me. This story has been going on for so long now, sometimes I just want to talk about something else. Or hide out for a bit. I'm so fed up of being the person with the drama. I was never like this before.

ironwill

Amaranth,

Yes, your kids are at that age that they see no boundaries as a fun place to be. Just know,even that gets old and having a stable environment (even without a tv) that they can feel safe and loved is what they will desire. I hope that comes soon for you. Just hang in there.

trailmix

It's a horrible position to be put in and I'm sorry you have to go through that.

You will get the divorce and everything will be fine.

I think the most important component here is knowing that you can't control any of them, not just your A soon to be X. The kids will think what they think. You can, of course show a good example and have them know they are always welcome (which you do) and that's about it. You can't make them see.

Hopefully they will grow up and have these realizations, but perhaps not, your one Son has started to realize how it is, doesn't mean everyone will.

There is not a gang - and you on the other side. That's something you have made up with your fear and I think that's normal.

The TRUTH is, the law is the law. You can (and are) divorcing him. Honestly it matters not at all how angry that makes him or not, that has exactly nothing to do with you. You don't have to listen to it, if he calls you or texts you, don't answer or hit delete. You were not put on this earth to be his punching bag for his frustrations.

You are going to be fine, you have already proven that. Take a moment to think of all you have accomplished. He is not a threat to you, he is just a guy drinking, try to keep that at the forefront in your thoughts about this?

Ariesagain

I want you to know I admire you. They talk about “speaking truth to power” and that’s what you’re doing and it takes great courage.

Your husband...pretty much a lost cause. It’s always pathetic when a grown adult starts trying to be one of the cool kids, hanging around partying with teenagers. I have no doubt there’s a fair amount of eye rolling behind his back but they’re happy to take advantage of it. It’s a rebellious age and he’s giving them a great way to act out.

Even if none of this had happened, your kids would be pushing your buttons during these years. It’s part of the process, yes?

Party Central has to get shut down before someone gets hurt or arrested. Moving forward with the divorce and getting that house sold may save a life...you know more than alcohol is being used there.

You are doing the right thing in the face of a ton of manipulation and good for you. Your husband may get angry or he may just implode...many bullies do when their bluff is called.

I send you support and a big fierce hug.

Amaranth

thank you ariesagain

Party Central has to get shut down before someone gets hurt or arrested. Moving forward with the divorce and getting that house sold may save a life...you know more than alcohol is being used there.

someone did get hurt .... my husband's girlfriend killed herself .... I really though that would be the wake up call. I was so relieved when she died because I thought it was all over. But it just goes on and on ..... what will it take for him to see the light??? He is setting the kids up with such unhealthy behaviours and I am just so powerless.

I feel so bad that I felt relief when she died. I am also ashamed to say I'm glad I don't have to bump into her in the street anymore or see her drunk outside the bar with my husband or think about her in my house with my family.

And then I feel so sad for her, that she chose to die as a result of all the drugs and alcohol on top of questionable mental health and an unhealthy relationship. And the two people who supposedly loved her the most in the world (her daughter and my husband) honor her by carrying on drinking and drugging and pulling a load of young people along in the slip stream.

I hear what you say, if the house gets sold it will put an end to the story. If the house gets sold my kids will hate me forever (so they say)

I guess I should be grateful it's in the lawyer's hands now and I should just hand it over and stop torturing myself thinking about the outcome. It's not going to be my decision in the end. I will have to find the trust again that my higher power knows what they're doing . Some days it's just so hard to find that trust.

Ariesagain

You know how when your kids are little and desperately want something you can’t let them have for their own safety? And you say “no you absolutely can’t play with the blow torch” because that’s your job and they have a screaming meltdown and start in with, “I HATE YOU MOMMY!!!”

This is the same thing. They came around then, they’ll come around now. It just might take a while because they have longer attention spans now.

trailmix

You are doing the right thing here, although it may not feel like it sometimes.

Selling that house would probably be the best thing you could do for your kids. Unless A-ex manages to come up with enough to buy you out, party central will be history. Even if he manages to buy another house, the party is over. With only half the proceeds he certainly won't be buying a large farm, neighbours don't appreciate a house full of drug users - parties aren't as much fun when the police are called all the time.

Personally I would be forcing the sale or buy out of the house as soon as possible, like today. You will be giving your children a gift, whether they know it or not.

OpheliaKatz

No they are not a gang. They are children -- including your husband. You're the only grown up in this scenario. Your kids will thank you for having brains one day because currently theirs are not fully developed and your husband's is messed up.

Someone has to "talk like a lawyer" because what happens if the neighbors call the cops on party central?

Also, the dead girlfriend. Yes, sad. Also, I understand the feeling of relief. This does not make you a bad person. Just a relieved one. I imagine her suffering is now at an end (not that I know what happens to you after your body is gone -- you could be 100% all gone, who knows?) This was not your fault though. This is the outcome of addiction without recovery.

If your kids tell you they hate you, you're probably doing something right. It hurts but you're not there to be fun or to be their friend, you're there to be their parent -- of course, you know this. They need a parent... even if they don't want one.

Hang in there.

maia1234

A,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your kids are going to have to join the school of hard knocks, just like you lived with. Who is grocery shopping, cleaning the house, doing laundry and all the other "mom" stuff that makes a home? The kids will see Dad's alcoholism and irresponsibility soon enough.

Sit back, support your kids, love them and be there for them when they need a responsible parent in their life. I have a girl friend who left her husband, kids chose to stay in the family home. Dads an alcoholic, and kids are getting tired of Dad's crxp, and complaining to mom. Mom just continues to say she's sorry and you are welcome to live with me. They always show their true colors, just be patient. Follow through with the divorce plans, life gets so much better, I promise.

Hugs!!

Amaranth

Also, the dead girlfriend. Yes, sad. Also, I understand the feeling of relief. This does not make you a bad person. Just a relieved one. I imagine her suffering is now at an end (not that I know what happens to you after your body is gone -- you could be 100% all gone, who knows?) This was not your fault though. This is the outcome of addiction without recovery.

Thank you so much for this. I felt relieved when I read it. Relieved that it's ok to feel relieved!!

I hope she is at peace. It's so wierd, I feel like I'm grieving for this person that was a completely destructive force in my life and in the lives of my kids.

It's just another layer to the pain that addiction brings to the whole family. It is so very sad.

Amaranth

Who is grocery shopping, cleaning the house, doing laundry and all the other "mom" stuff that makes a home? The kids will see Dad's alcoholism and irresponsibility soon enough.

I stopped asking these questions many months ago. My house is clean and warm, there is hot water and there is always food. I taught my kids to do their own laundry when they were 11 ..... they have been doing it ever since.

One of the kids' friends told me today that my husband has moved out of the house into the campervan because he feels over run by teenagers. I have to admit I am laughing as I write this. That is exactly the place one gets to when they have no boundaries.

Part of me hopes this is the beginning of the end.

But the other part of me tells me false hope only leads to more disappointment.

I must let it play itself out. Surely things will have to change??

Ariesagain

Okay, that’s hilarious. I don’t blame you for laughing!

Your kids aren’t dumb...on some level they know that living with zero boundaries isn’t healthy. If it weren’t for the risks, having them witness close up and personal what happens when no one is a responsible adult isn’t the worst lesson.

Hang in there...it sounds like the wheel is finally beginning to turn.