Boundaries - Even When They are Clean
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Boundaries - Even When They are Clean
My son has been clean for almost 4 months, and for that I am grateful, one day at a time.
Tonight he called me from the "cleanhouse" where he is living and said that he needed a prescription for something he didn't want to talk about (gee...let me guess, could it have anything to do with unsafe sex?). Anyway, he asked for $60 until pay day this Friday. I said okay, I would go with him to pay or issue a cheque to the pharmacy for the amount. In past days, he has used the "prescription" scam to get money from me, so I now have a boundary with this issue. I think it is fair.
He got huffy and said that he needs to feel trusted, quack quack, and that this was not acceptable because it just didn't make him feel real good donchaknow. I reminded him (nicely) where my boundary came from, and told him that my offers stands with those conditions, or his alternative was that he could wait until Friday to pick up the pills (that's 3 days...don't think he'll die). I told him that anything else didn't make me feel real good.
My point is this...I love him with all my heart (always have), and I would like him to take any medication he may need, but I will not be put in a position that will compromise my boundaries, and that to trust him will take probably as long as it took to not trust him.
If he really needed the medication today, he could have it. All he has to do is take me with him to the pharmacy to pay them.
So when he says "forget it", I will. I will let go of any guilt, responsibility, or regret about how I treat him or his choice of whether to take the medication today or 3 days from now.
And that only took me about 120 years to learn. This program works, and I amaze myself at the way it becomes instinctive after only 120 years.
And for that I am grateful.
Tonight he called me from the "cleanhouse" where he is living and said that he needed a prescription for something he didn't want to talk about (gee...let me guess, could it have anything to do with unsafe sex?). Anyway, he asked for $60 until pay day this Friday. I said okay, I would go with him to pay or issue a cheque to the pharmacy for the amount. In past days, he has used the "prescription" scam to get money from me, so I now have a boundary with this issue. I think it is fair.
He got huffy and said that he needs to feel trusted, quack quack, and that this was not acceptable because it just didn't make him feel real good donchaknow. I reminded him (nicely) where my boundary came from, and told him that my offers stands with those conditions, or his alternative was that he could wait until Friday to pick up the pills (that's 3 days...don't think he'll die). I told him that anything else didn't make me feel real good.
My point is this...I love him with all my heart (always have), and I would like him to take any medication he may need, but I will not be put in a position that will compromise my boundaries, and that to trust him will take probably as long as it took to not trust him.
If he really needed the medication today, he could have it. All he has to do is take me with him to the pharmacy to pay them.
So when he says "forget it", I will. I will let go of any guilt, responsibility, or regret about how I treat him or his choice of whether to take the medication today or 3 days from now.
And that only took me about 120 years to learn. This program works, and I amaze myself at the way it becomes instinctive after only 120 years.
And for that I am grateful.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Good for you Ann,
I have set some strong boundaries with my son. He is living with me and he knows he has to treat me with respect or he will be homeless. He knows he can't drink or use. He knows he has to go to meetings and counseling.
He does the dishes and cleans the house every day. He washes my car. He keeps the yard clean. He cooks dinner for me every night and makes my coffee for me every morning. I haven't asked him to do all these things, but I think he knows that I'm seious and is towing the line.
If I didn't have boundaries, he would be drinking and using, treating me horribly and we would both be miserable. The boundaries have helped him and make my life peaceful.
When he has enough recovery under his belt he will receive a time limit to get back out on his own. I don't think he really likes living with me so I don't think that will be a problem.
Hugs to all,
MG
I have set some strong boundaries with my son. He is living with me and he knows he has to treat me with respect or he will be homeless. He knows he can't drink or use. He knows he has to go to meetings and counseling.
He does the dishes and cleans the house every day. He washes my car. He keeps the yard clean. He cooks dinner for me every night and makes my coffee for me every morning. I haven't asked him to do all these things, but I think he knows that I'm seious and is towing the line.
If I didn't have boundaries, he would be drinking and using, treating me horribly and we would both be miserable. The boundaries have helped him and make my life peaceful.
When he has enough recovery under his belt he will receive a time limit to get back out on his own. I don't think he really likes living with me so I don't think that will be a problem.
Hugs to all,
MG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
OK my turn..
My son called for a ride to the train station to go back to Chicago and rehab and he had nowhere to go that night. I said "You cannot stay here but I will meet you in the morning before work and drive you there." I go in early so our meeting time was 5:15am...I was early and so was he.
I knew he would be hungry so I made a couple of sandwiches at home and grabbed a couple of cans of Coke. When I picked him up I knew he would want smokes so I bought him 1 pack and gave him $10 to get on the train...round trip is $8.50...so in case he couldn't get in he wouldn't be stuck in he city. I watched him get on the train.
I think we are all doing very well...with each others support. And Ann...is it ONLY 120 years? It feels like more!
My son called for a ride to the train station to go back to Chicago and rehab and he had nowhere to go that night. I said "You cannot stay here but I will meet you in the morning before work and drive you there." I go in early so our meeting time was 5:15am...I was early and so was he.
I knew he would be hungry so I made a couple of sandwiches at home and grabbed a couple of cans of Coke. When I picked him up I knew he would want smokes so I bought him 1 pack and gave him $10 to get on the train...round trip is $8.50...so in case he couldn't get in he wouldn't be stuck in he city. I watched him get on the train.
I think we are all doing very well...with each others support. And Ann...is it ONLY 120 years? It feels like more!
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Gosh, you are all doing great! I'm
taking notes here LOL, I have made the
big decision to let my son move back in
"temporarily", until he can get back on
his feet. He is in jail and will be
homeless, so I'm getting rather nervous
about this whole deal. Obviously I'm
not strong enough to say NO DICE, and
I have a problem saying what I mean, and
meaning what I say. Anyway, you all set
a example for me, I am really going to
have to stick to my guns. (Thank God,
his boss loves him, and she's holding
his job for him-what a angel.)
Hugs,
taking notes here LOL, I have made the
big decision to let my son move back in
"temporarily", until he can get back on
his feet. He is in jail and will be
homeless, so I'm getting rather nervous
about this whole deal. Obviously I'm
not strong enough to say NO DICE, and
I have a problem saying what I mean, and
meaning what I say. Anyway, you all set
a example for me, I am really going to
have to stick to my guns. (Thank God,
his boss loves him, and she's holding
his job for him-what a angel.)
Hugs,
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Wow - this turned out to be a "happy moms" post. Do you know what the odds would be that our sons would all be on the road to recovery at the same time....I am an accountant and I did the math and the odds are 3417892506 to 1. Too bad we didn't call Jimmy the Greek (is he still alive?) and place a bet
.
And have you noticed how our recovery has seen us through yet another crisis somewhat unscathed?
One day at a time for all of us, but to me it is one miracle at a time, too.
.And have you noticed how our recovery has seen us through yet another crisis somewhat unscathed?
One day at a time for all of us, but to me it is one miracle at a time, too.
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Chicago
Posts: 175
Just a comment...why does it seem to be mostly males? My boys have no drug problems etc...but they still need cash etc and seem to always have some problem...my daughter...totally self reliant. All are over 25!
Love Kitty
Love Kitty
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