I need to tell someone
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 19
I need to tell someone
Hello guys, I’m new here. I’m new to all recovery options, actually. I’ve been using meth for 12 years now, and I’ve kept this a secret almost the entire time. I’m living a double life and I don’t know how to stop. When I was 19 I first tried smoking meth, and I never looked back. There was one point in my life where I was sober for 2 years, and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. I was 22, and the second I saw that test was positive, I crushed my pipe and flushed all of my drugs down the toilet. I quit cold turkey and didn’t start up again until my son was over a year old. During that time I was in an extremely abusive relationship, my main focus was to keep myself and my son safe. It came to a point where I started using again just to keep myself going and to stay awake to protect my son, and protect myself, and honestly to numb the pain. I was terrified of my sons father. I couldn’t let my family know I was in that situation because I was afraid and ashamed and embarrassed. So I just detached myself from them. I come from a loving and understanding family. My sisters, mom and I are all super close. They would do anything to help me. But I’m always so afraid of letting everyone down. I eventually got out of the abusive relationship, but I never stopped using. I’ve kept this hidden from everyone. All these years. I’ve never gotten into the “tweeker” crowd, I’ve stayed low key, I stay to myself. The only other person on this earth that knows of my addiction is my dealer. Im 32 now, I’m a good mom, but I know I can be a better mom. I have a good job, and I stay functioning because I have no other choice. I can’t fall and let meth take over my life, I can’t, I love my son too much and I could never do that to my family. The thing is, I’m only a functioning addict out the outside. On the inside, I’m miserable. I’m unhappy, I’m depressed, the guilt I feel on a daily basis is killing me. Every time I try to stop, I think I can do it, because I’ve done it before, but I always go back. I know I don’t take care of my life the way I should, I know my son isn’t getting the best version of myself I can be. I know I only give my job, my family, the bare minimum, just to get by, just to keep functioning. Just so no one finds out my secret. I cant let anyone know about my addiction, that is out of the question. I can’t take time off work to go to rehab, I can’t have that on my record. I just got full custody of my son last year and I can’t have anything screw that up. I need help on how to stop on my own, how do you stop when you have no support, no help, because no one knows? I’ve been battling this addiction within myself and by myself for over a decade and I can’t do it anymore. I want to be happy. Sometimes it’s hard to even get out of bed because my depression is so bad. It’s killing me, and I feel so alone. I didn’t know what else to do but look up a thread to tell someone my secret and ask for help in any way I can get it. I need this for my son. If anyone has any advice for me, please I am willing to be open and listen. I am 2 days sober and I don’t want to go back. But deep down I know already I will. Please help me turn these 2 days into 2 months, 2 years, and so on. Thank you so much for giving me a place to finally tell someone.
love and light to you all <3
love and light to you all <3
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,381
Hi and welcome fightingtobeme 
I don't know much about meth but I do remember coming here wanting desperately to turn my 3 days into 3 years
that was 2007 ... so change really is possible - and support helps immensely - and there's tons of that here
D
I don't know much about meth but I do remember coming here wanting desperately to turn my 3 days into 3 years
that was 2007 ... so change really is possible - and support helps immensely - and there's tons of that here
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
Welcome to the group. There are many other people here that can answer your questions a lot better than I can, so I will let them. 2 days sober is awesome. Let's see if we can help you continue with that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Throw away your phone and change your number could be a start. You and your dealer will have no way to contact each other. Unless, of course, he hangs out on the local street corner. Then think about moving to a different neighborhood?
I say that because I was at one point abusing various drugs (coke, ecstasy). I moved, my dealer moved as well and we lost touch. Way too inconvenient to drive an hour to pickup or search my new area for a dealer.
My main drug has always been booze. That very well could be because it's very convenient no matter where I live. It's cheap. It's legal.
Meth is not being sold in shops and restaurants all over the place. Make it even harder to get.
Again, delete all contacts before you memorize numbers
I say that because I was at one point abusing various drugs (coke, ecstasy). I moved, my dealer moved as well and we lost touch. Way too inconvenient to drive an hour to pickup or search my new area for a dealer.
My main drug has always been booze. That very well could be because it's very convenient no matter where I live. It's cheap. It's legal.
Meth is not being sold in shops and restaurants all over the place. Make it even harder to get.
Again, delete all contacts before you memorize numbers
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome, I’m glad you have made the decision to get sober for you and your son.
It sounds like you have a pretty supportive family, you might want to think about sharing with one of them to get some support. There should also be face to face supplier groups near you. If you plan on just using this site that can work, that’s what I did, but I read and posted daily. I still do.
It sounds like you have a pretty supportive family, you might want to think about sharing with one of them to get some support. There should also be face to face supplier groups near you. If you plan on just using this site that can work, that’s what I did, but I read and posted daily. I still do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,908
Welcome. That sounds like a heavy load you are carrying. It does seem like your family would want to help you carry it. Not to get dark but I lost my brother to an overdose in the fall (not meth; morphine and fentanyl). We all wish nothing more than that he would have reached out for help while he was struggling. And not just because he ended up the way he did; more because we love him and didn’t want him to be in pain and fighting it all alone. You may not be ready for that, but meth is a strong habit to battle on your own. If you do decide to stay on this path, it’s good you are coming here. You really will get lots of support. You should be proud of your 2 days. Maybe make it 3? You are doing a great thing for you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
Woah, fightingtobeme, your plate is full, and overflowing. But you've made it this far, and you'll get through.
I only found this site on my Day 5 without alcohol (today, Wednesday, is my Day 13). You (we) have definitely come to the right place. I hope you find other right places, too, but this is one of them.
I last used meth last August. I talk about it a little in one of my posts last week so I won't repeat myself here, except one thing I said is a lot like what Wastinglife said above: Smash your pipe and delete your supplier's contact info from your phone (and from old phone bills) if that would help (it did in my case).
You managed to extract yourself from one abusive relationship, you can extract youself from your abusive relationships with crack and with the crack dealer.(You can click on my name and scroll through my posts to find my post, if you want. My post is in someone else's thread from January 10 that he called something like "Christmas Eve was the last time I used ice.")
Like you, no one in my "real world" knows I ever even thought about smoking crystal. When I found myself daydreaming that maybe I'd try slamming it I started to realize this stuff could *way* easily get uncontrollably out of hand. I didn't go beyond blowing clouds (thank the stars) but whew, that was close.
That is absolutely *not* to say that "merely" smoking or snorting meth is not addictive. It is. (I say this for the anyone reading this who hasn't used meth. Fightingtobeme is well aware.)
Like you, too, I was/am "functioning": got the house (well, the mortgage), the late-model car (payments), the spouse, the network of family and friends, the 2 dogs, the professional occupation and reputation, etc. etc. You know, the (generally accepted as) positive blah blah blahs.
Also like you (and many here, I have learned) in my hypercritical perfectionist's mind's eye I am nothing, because of my hidden flaws, one of which is substance abuse.
Well, we are all different, but in my opinion (others will disagree), that sense of nothingness and concomitant self-abnegation are just more blah blah blah, the difference being that these are the negative blah blahs.
That opinion, that thoughts are just thoughts (see mindfulness meditation, or cognitive behavioral therapy) doesn't stop me from continuing to engage in that negative self-talk.
But I'm working on it, which brings me (us) here.
So anyways, it is almost 6 a.m., and I need a couple more hours of shuteye.
Please post again, Fighting, there is so much support here, and you (we) so much need the mutual support. Your post shows how strong you are, you can do this, for you and for your child. I see you said you "know" you will use again. Only you can be the one who will come to know that you will not.
Sing along now (to that doppelganger of yourself):
"Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
[Watch Gotye performing "Somebody That I Used To Know" on KCRW on YouTube
https://youtu.be/6YzGOq42zLk ].
Hope to see you later, ftbm.
I only found this site on my Day 5 without alcohol (today, Wednesday, is my Day 13). You (we) have definitely come to the right place. I hope you find other right places, too, but this is one of them.
I last used meth last August. I talk about it a little in one of my posts last week so I won't repeat myself here, except one thing I said is a lot like what Wastinglife said above: Smash your pipe and delete your supplier's contact info from your phone (and from old phone bills) if that would help (it did in my case).
You managed to extract yourself from one abusive relationship, you can extract youself from your abusive relationships with crack and with the crack dealer.(You can click on my name and scroll through my posts to find my post, if you want. My post is in someone else's thread from January 10 that he called something like "Christmas Eve was the last time I used ice.")
Like you, no one in my "real world" knows I ever even thought about smoking crystal. When I found myself daydreaming that maybe I'd try slamming it I started to realize this stuff could *way* easily get uncontrollably out of hand. I didn't go beyond blowing clouds (thank the stars) but whew, that was close.
That is absolutely *not* to say that "merely" smoking or snorting meth is not addictive. It is. (I say this for the anyone reading this who hasn't used meth. Fightingtobeme is well aware.)
Like you, too, I was/am "functioning": got the house (well, the mortgage), the late-model car (payments), the spouse, the network of family and friends, the 2 dogs, the professional occupation and reputation, etc. etc. You know, the (generally accepted as) positive blah blah blahs.
Also like you (and many here, I have learned) in my hypercritical perfectionist's mind's eye I am nothing, because of my hidden flaws, one of which is substance abuse.
Well, we are all different, but in my opinion (others will disagree), that sense of nothingness and concomitant self-abnegation are just more blah blah blah, the difference being that these are the negative blah blahs.
That opinion, that thoughts are just thoughts (see mindfulness meditation, or cognitive behavioral therapy) doesn't stop me from continuing to engage in that negative self-talk.
But I'm working on it, which brings me (us) here.
So anyways, it is almost 6 a.m., and I need a couple more hours of shuteye.
Please post again, Fighting, there is so much support here, and you (we) so much need the mutual support. Your post shows how strong you are, you can do this, for you and for your child. I see you said you "know" you will use again. Only you can be the one who will come to know that you will not.
Sing along now (to that doppelganger of yourself):
"Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
[Watch Gotye performing "Somebody That I Used To Know" on KCRW on YouTube
https://youtu.be/6YzGOq42zLk ].
Hope to see you later, ftbm.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Hi And welcome to SR
Any addiction is like being pregnant, the longer it goes, the harder it is to hide.
If you absolutely insist on a secretive recovery, then maybe get a copy of the NA version of the big book, read it and look for other reading resources to bolster it.
Phone lines services can be of use too and of course, post the heck out of this place.
All the best to you, plenty of examples here to help you see, it can be done.
Any addiction is like being pregnant, the longer it goes, the harder it is to hide.
If you absolutely insist on a secretive recovery, then maybe get a copy of the NA version of the big book, read it and look for other reading resources to bolster it.
Phone lines services can be of use too and of course, post the heck out of this place.
All the best to you, plenty of examples here to help you see, it can be done.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Let your family help you, delete all dealer contact info and change your number, and reach out to NA for understanding and support.
You are a strong woman and addiction is nothing to ashamed of.
I hid my alcohol addiction for many years but eventually you get to a breaking point.
You and your son deserve a sober, healthy you. Start with small steps. You quit once and you can do it again for good.
You are a strong woman and addiction is nothing to ashamed of.
I hid my alcohol addiction for many years but eventually you get to a breaking point.
You and your son deserve a sober, healthy you. Start with small steps. You quit once and you can do it again for good.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi and welcome FTBM. The good thing is that you have reached this point without any super-dramatic events in your life that would force you to quit. Quitting on your own terms is preferable I think and if you keep using, you might lose that option along with perhaps losing your job, your freedom, your health, your son, and possibly so much more. If you quit now, you will never ever ever have to test that theory. Can you make this your Day 1? Keep posting here and you will receive amazing support. SR saved my life. Saves it again every day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by fightingtobeme 
Hello guys, I’m new here. I’m new to all recovery options, actually. I’ve been using meth for 12 years now, and I’ve kept this a secret almost the entire time. I’m living a double life and I don’t know how to stop. When I was 19 I first tried smoking meth, and I never looked back. There was one point in my life where I was sober for 2 years, and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. I was 22, and the second I saw that test was positive, I crushed my pipe and flushed all of my drugs down the toilet. I quit cold turkey and didn’t start up again until my son was over a year old. During that time I was in an extremely abusive relationship, my main focus was to keep myself and my son safe. It came to a point where I started using again just to keep myself going and to stay awake to protect my son, and protect myself, and honestly to numb the pain. I was terrified of my sons father. I couldn’t let my family know I was in that situation because I was afraid and ashamed and embarrassed. So I just detached myself from them. I come from a loving and understanding family. My sisters, mom and I are all super close. They would do anything to help me. But I’m always so afraid of letting everyone down. I eventually got out of the abusive relationship, but I never stopped using. I’ve kept this hidden from everyone. All these years. I’ve never gotten into the “tweeker” crowd, I’ve stayed low key, I stay to myself. The only other person on this earth that knows of my addiction is my dealer. Im 32 now, I’m a good mom, but I know I can be a better mom. I have a good job, and I stay functioning because I have no other choice. I can’t fall and let meth take over my life, I can’t, I love my son too much and I could never do that to my family. The thing is, I’m only a functioning addict out the outside. On the inside, I’m miserable. I’m unhappy, I’m depressed, the guilt I feel on a daily basis is killing me. Every time I try to stop, I think I can do it, because I’ve done it before, but I always go back. I know I don’t take care of my life the way I should, I know my son isn’t getting the best version of myself I can be. I know I only give my job, my family, the bare minimum, just to get by, just to keep functioning. Just so no one finds out my secret. I cant let anyone know about my addiction, that is out of the question. I can’t take time off work to go to rehab, I can’t have that on my record. I just got full custody of my son last year and I can’t have anything screw that up. I need help on how to stop on my own, how do you stop when you have no support, no help, because no one knows? I’ve been battling this addiction within myself and by myself for over a decade and I can’t do it anymore. I want to be happy. Sometimes it’s hard to even get out of bed because my depression is so bad. It’s killing me, and I feel so alone. I didn’t know what else to do but look up a thread to tell someone my secret and ask for help in any way I can get it. I need this for my son. If anyone has any advice for me, please I am willing to be open and listen. I am 2 days sober and I don’t want to go back. But deep down I know already I will. Please help me turn these 2 days into 2 months, 2 years, and so on. Thank you so much for giving me a place to finally tell someone.
love and light to you all <3
love and light to you all <3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Tough love time. In your post I see a lot of "I can't lose this, I can't lose that..." but you know that if you keep doing what you've been doing you absolutely will lose all of that eventually but will also keep using, right? If you end up relapsing I really hope you will consider reaching out for help from your family and/or rehab.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by cantsleep123
Tough love time. In your post I see a lot of "I can't lose this, I can't lose that..." but you know that if you keep doing what you've been doing you absolutely will lose all of that eventually but will also keep using, right? If you end up relapsing I really hope you will consider reaching out for help from your family and/or rehab.
When I was a daily drinker, I would wait until my daughter was asleep to get drunk. You know what, I was NOT a good father just because I waited for her to fall asleep to get drunk. It's the drug making you believe you're a good mom or outright self delusion/denial. The same way the booze made me think that.
When kids are involved is the only true time I'm a real hard ass and all ra-ra aside, it needs to be said. The simple truth is, if you couldn't stay off meth for your 1 year old son, you're not going to do this all alone. Go to NA or get professional help and hope to God they don't call child services on you.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Hi Fighting -
I agree with another poster who said that it might be a good idea to tell a family member. I am 100% certain they would rather help you beat this than to bury you. I know it sounds like the scariest thing in the world, but in my long experience, nothing is ever as bad as we imagine it can be. Before I got sober I was terrified to come clean to people and that kept me drinking and keeping secrets way longer than I should have. In the end, I really had no choice than to come clean because I got a 3RD DUI. Small town, word was going to get out. I could have lost everything if I hadn't called it quits when I did.
Don't wait until you lose everything. Yeah, from the outside things might "look" okay, but you yourself admitted you're just barely holding it together. I'd actually be surprised if no one in your family already suspects something is wrong. My family sure knew my life was unraveling before I admitted it.
If you don't tell your family right now, at the very least, get yourself a copy of the NA Big Book, try to figure out a way to find a meeting to go to, or find online meetings. Delete your dealer's info. Keep posting here, too.
You said you already know you'll use again. Yeah, you probably will if you don't change that inner dialogue right now. That's really step 1. Find a way to know deep down that you need to stop, and that you will. Or at least fake it till you make it. If you have to say it out loud even, tell yourself that you will NOT go back. Say it over and over again. I had to do that in the early days. Eventually it sinks in.
I agree with another poster who said that it might be a good idea to tell a family member. I am 100% certain they would rather help you beat this than to bury you. I know it sounds like the scariest thing in the world, but in my long experience, nothing is ever as bad as we imagine it can be. Before I got sober I was terrified to come clean to people and that kept me drinking and keeping secrets way longer than I should have. In the end, I really had no choice than to come clean because I got a 3RD DUI. Small town, word was going to get out. I could have lost everything if I hadn't called it quits when I did.
Don't wait until you lose everything. Yeah, from the outside things might "look" okay, but you yourself admitted you're just barely holding it together. I'd actually be surprised if no one in your family already suspects something is wrong. My family sure knew my life was unraveling before I admitted it.
If you don't tell your family right now, at the very least, get yourself a copy of the NA Big Book, try to figure out a way to find a meeting to go to, or find online meetings. Delete your dealer's info. Keep posting here, too.
You said you already know you'll use again. Yeah, you probably will if you don't change that inner dialogue right now. That's really step 1. Find a way to know deep down that you need to stop, and that you will. Or at least fake it till you make it. If you have to say it out loud even, tell yourself that you will NOT go back. Say it over and over again. I had to do that in the early days. Eventually it sinks in.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by abgator
She literally said she smoked meth to "protect her son". I know the admins hates tough love and thinks it might push people in the other direction, but come on....
When I was a daily drinker, I would wait until my daughter was asleep to get drunk. You know what, I was NOT a good father just because I waited for her to fall asleep to get drunk. It's the drug making you believe you're a good mom or outright self delusion/denial. The same way the booze made me think that.
When kids are involved is the only true time I'm a real hard ass and all ra-ra aside, it needs to be said. The simple truth is, if you couldn't stay off meth for your 1 year old son, you're not going to do this all alone. Go to NA or get professional help and hope to God they don't call child services on you.
When I was a daily drinker, I would wait until my daughter was asleep to get drunk. You know what, I was NOT a good father just because I waited for her to fall asleep to get drunk. It's the drug making you believe you're a good mom or outright self delusion/denial. The same way the booze made me think that.
When kids are involved is the only true time I'm a real hard ass and all ra-ra aside, it needs to be said. The simple truth is, if you couldn't stay off meth for your 1 year old son, you're not going to do this all alone. Go to NA or get professional help and hope to God they don't call child services on you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Justifying our actions is what addicts and alcoholics do. You got sober for your pregnancy, you can do it again, but not alone. And probably not just by reading the NA book or using a site like this.
They can ban me if they like, but as a parent, I'm honestly appalled that the others here would suggest or condone continuing to raise a child while on meth and just "secretly" trying to recover. Not putting that kids in the hands of a responsible adult right now while you're in recovery is insanity.
They can ban me if they like, but as a parent, I'm honestly appalled that the others here would suggest or condone continuing to raise a child while on meth and just "secretly" trying to recover. Not putting that kids in the hands of a responsible adult right now while you're in recovery is insanity.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by abgator
Justifying our actions is what addicts and alcoholics do. You got sober for your pregnancy, you can do it again, but not alone. And probably not just by reading the NA book or using a site like this.
They can ban me if they like, but as a parent, I'm honestly appalled that the others here would suggest or condone continuing to raise a child while on meth and just "secretly" trying to recover. Not putting that kids in the hands of a responsible adult right now while you're in recovery is insanity.
They can ban me if they like, but as a parent, I'm honestly appalled that the others here would suggest or condone continuing to raise a child while on meth and just "secretly" trying to recover. Not putting that kids in the hands of a responsible adult right now while you're in recovery is insanity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
fightingtobeme,
I hope you had a good enough day without using. It is all that matters. I have no idea if you can do this alone or not.
I have read many others doing the most stupid things while drinking, counting themselves 'lucky' because they never got a DUI (I would think it is really unlucky for others you don't get caught). But mothers get judged very harshly (always, not here in particular).
It is difficult to know what is the best thing to do with a child who needs you. Opening up and reaching for help might come with complications, especially when you are using an illegal substance and not alcohol. I fully understand you.
At the same time, you know you cannot control it or you would not be here. You know you have already tried, probably every day and you have failed.
It is hell and most of us have been there. I drank for years. I passed out most nights. It was objectively dangerous when my husband was not around. I still think I was a good mother. I could have been better, more present. But my kids would have not been better with someone else.
I suggest you get yourself to some kind of group support at least. Find a way. It will be easier if you have some kind of accountability. You may even discover a network of people you can trust and feel the burden of single motherhood ease a bit.
I am rooting for you. I wish you all the best.
I hope you had a good enough day without using. It is all that matters. I have no idea if you can do this alone or not.
I have read many others doing the most stupid things while drinking, counting themselves 'lucky' because they never got a DUI (I would think it is really unlucky for others you don't get caught). But mothers get judged very harshly (always, not here in particular).
It is difficult to know what is the best thing to do with a child who needs you. Opening up and reaching for help might come with complications, especially when you are using an illegal substance and not alcohol. I fully understand you.
At the same time, you know you cannot control it or you would not be here. You know you have already tried, probably every day and you have failed.
It is hell and most of us have been there. I drank for years. I passed out most nights. It was objectively dangerous when my husband was not around. I still think I was a good mother. I could have been better, more present. But my kids would have not been better with someone else.
I suggest you get yourself to some kind of group support at least. Find a way. It will be easier if you have some kind of accountability. You may even discover a network of people you can trust and feel the burden of single motherhood ease a bit.
I am rooting for you. I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
I am so glad to see you back here today, ftbm. I take it you are making it through Day 2?
You sound very organized. Do you have a plan and maybe a contingency plan or two to ward off (defuse, counteract), in the moment, any triggering situations, events, circumstances, or just plain old familiar cravings?
My meth contact lived in a certain apartment house in a certain town about 4 or 5 miles from my house. There is a certain main road that I drive on all the time, that passes about a mile from his house. When I was using, even when I wasn't even thinking of meth, much less making a purchase, and even if I was with other people in the car, just passing the exit for his apartment would often excite the slightest frisson of associations with the effects of blowing a cloud or two. As I said somewhere else, ice wasn't even my drug of choice (that was/is ethanol). I think over the two-year period of my using I made about 8 purchases from the guy, that lasted me varying amounts of time, but since he was my only meth contact, just passing that intersection was a trigger that I needed to identify and overcome. With alcohol, of course, the dealers are everywhere, not to mention the billboards, print ads, and on and on and on. There are a gazillion triggers for any substance abuser, and when we're actively using (as well as when we're not) any one of those triggers has the potential to trip the activation wire.
So as I said I deleted his contact information and smashed my pipe, small steps perhaps, but they make it that much more difficult for me to try to buy more, if I were to be tempted. I never knew his apartment number in his large building so I could not even realistically think about just trying to stop by his house. Of course I live in a big city so if I wanted to I could put myself into a situation where I'd find another supplier easily enough. An addict will find a way. But (so far), I have kept away, and I plan to continue.
But your situation is way different, so I was wondering whether you have your own plan, or are working on one (both short term and longer). You said your circumstances do not allow you to enter a rehab facility. What about one-on-one mental health counseling? Sometimes it seems that "everyone" sees a therapist at some point in their life these days (and those that don't are often the ones who would most benefit from it). I don't know where you live, but in most places there certainly isn't the stigma attached to seeking therapy that there is to living with untreated substance abuse disorder (aka, in your case, possessing and smoking meth). Therapy is just one idea among many. As is apparent from your decision to post in the first place, something's gotta give.
Please, please please continue to return and browse and post regularly, either in your own thread(s) or those of others, or both. I've been on SR for only a week or so, but I have learned so much from so many fellow members, from their varied experiences and perspectives, their sometimes differing opinions, and their personal styles. You say that most of the responses you received today "made [you] feel good," and apparently one of them did not. Imho, for a mentally healthy person (a category into which I think most of us here at SR would not place ourselves today, although we are healthier than we were yesterday), no one else can "make you feel" good or bad. Immhoos (in my most humblest of opinions), that strength of character comes from within.* Within ourselves,** within the universe.
What's the old bumper sticker?, something like "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt).
So, ftbm, remember this: "No consent."
Welcome back.
* Others can tell you where they have found (or are seeking) that strength; I have found that (some) people on SR are not shy in the least. From your most recent post, I'd put you in that category. You go girl.
** That is not to say we are alone. Far from it. I agree you should think very hard about accepting help from your close family or other trusted supporter(s). But meanwhile, and in addition, we are here.
You sound very organized. Do you have a plan and maybe a contingency plan or two to ward off (defuse, counteract), in the moment, any triggering situations, events, circumstances, or just plain old familiar cravings?
My meth contact lived in a certain apartment house in a certain town about 4 or 5 miles from my house. There is a certain main road that I drive on all the time, that passes about a mile from his house. When I was using, even when I wasn't even thinking of meth, much less making a purchase, and even if I was with other people in the car, just passing the exit for his apartment would often excite the slightest frisson of associations with the effects of blowing a cloud or two. As I said somewhere else, ice wasn't even my drug of choice (that was/is ethanol). I think over the two-year period of my using I made about 8 purchases from the guy, that lasted me varying amounts of time, but since he was my only meth contact, just passing that intersection was a trigger that I needed to identify and overcome. With alcohol, of course, the dealers are everywhere, not to mention the billboards, print ads, and on and on and on. There are a gazillion triggers for any substance abuser, and when we're actively using (as well as when we're not) any one of those triggers has the potential to trip the activation wire.
So as I said I deleted his contact information and smashed my pipe, small steps perhaps, but they make it that much more difficult for me to try to buy more, if I were to be tempted. I never knew his apartment number in his large building so I could not even realistically think about just trying to stop by his house. Of course I live in a big city so if I wanted to I could put myself into a situation where I'd find another supplier easily enough. An addict will find a way. But (so far), I have kept away, and I plan to continue.
But your situation is way different, so I was wondering whether you have your own plan, or are working on one (both short term and longer). You said your circumstances do not allow you to enter a rehab facility. What about one-on-one mental health counseling? Sometimes it seems that "everyone" sees a therapist at some point in their life these days (and those that don't are often the ones who would most benefit from it). I don't know where you live, but in most places there certainly isn't the stigma attached to seeking therapy that there is to living with untreated substance abuse disorder (aka, in your case, possessing and smoking meth). Therapy is just one idea among many. As is apparent from your decision to post in the first place, something's gotta give.
Please, please please continue to return and browse and post regularly, either in your own thread(s) or those of others, or both. I've been on SR for only a week or so, but I have learned so much from so many fellow members, from their varied experiences and perspectives, their sometimes differing opinions, and their personal styles. You say that most of the responses you received today "made [you] feel good," and apparently one of them did not. Imho, for a mentally healthy person (a category into which I think most of us here at SR would not place ourselves today, although we are healthier than we were yesterday), no one else can "make you feel" good or bad. Immhoos (in my most humblest of opinions), that strength of character comes from within.* Within ourselves,** within the universe.
What's the old bumper sticker?, something like "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt).
So, ftbm, remember this: "No consent."
Welcome back.
* Others can tell you where they have found (or are seeking) that strength; I have found that (some) people on SR are not shy in the least. From your most recent post, I'd put you in that category. You go girl.
** That is not to say we are alone. Far from it. I agree you should think very hard about accepting help from your close family or other trusted supporter(s). But meanwhile, and in addition, we are here.
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