Should I Drink With Her...?
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Should I Drink With Her...?
My wife is a FAH. The whole thing got exposed a couple weeks ago but it’s been in the works for the last year or two (or more). She’s attended (4) AA meetings this past week, and admits she feels she needs help... although not yet accepting or using the word AH and she talks about “getting it under control” and “back to normal”. My inclination is obviously that’s not going to be possible for her long term. And I know Whether she chooses that road or not will need to be fully up to her. I and will need to focus on what’s best for me.
Anyhow...I havnt had a drink since **** hit the fan two weeks ago and have no desire right now as I’m scared ******** of this new reality. (Ironically I was planning on a “Dry January” for a while now as I did it the last couple years and enjoyed it).
my question is.... eventually- if I want a drink or two- should I not have that around my wife? She is still drinking daily (unsurprisingly) although it is definitely less than two weeks ago. Won’t be surprised when it gets heavy again as she doesn’t seem ready to give it up.
I read conflicting reports about drinking around an AH spouse. And none of our friends & family are aware, so none of them would ever think to lighten or curb any environment around her in a supporting way as they are in the dark about all of this.
I got a lot of questions. Taking them one by one though.
Thanks.
Anyhow...I havnt had a drink since **** hit the fan two weeks ago and have no desire right now as I’m scared ******** of this new reality. (Ironically I was planning on a “Dry January” for a while now as I did it the last couple years and enjoyed it).
my question is.... eventually- if I want a drink or two- should I not have that around my wife? She is still drinking daily (unsurprisingly) although it is definitely less than two weeks ago. Won’t be surprised when it gets heavy again as she doesn’t seem ready to give it up.
I read conflicting reports about drinking around an AH spouse. And none of our friends & family are aware, so none of them would ever think to lighten or curb any environment around her in a supporting way as they are in the dark about all of this.
I got a lot of questions. Taking them one by one though.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mill......I can only tell you what I would do in your situation...…
I would not drink.
If a person is not an alcoholic...or, themselves leaning on alcohol, it shold not be a hard thing to do.....does your own lifestyle revolve around a lot of drinking?
If your wife was allergic to peanuts , yet still craved them...would you eat peanut butter sandwiches at your mutual meals?
(I know it is not exactly the same...but, similar)……
If my spouse was on a weight loss diet....out, of respect to him...I would not be eating eclairs or Black forest Cake in front of him.....
thee are no rules written on stone tablets, regarding this.....
I would not drink.
If a person is not an alcoholic...or, themselves leaning on alcohol, it shold not be a hard thing to do.....does your own lifestyle revolve around a lot of drinking?
If your wife was allergic to peanuts , yet still craved them...would you eat peanut butter sandwiches at your mutual meals?
(I know it is not exactly the same...but, similar)……
If my spouse was on a weight loss diet....out, of respect to him...I would not be eating eclairs or Black forest Cake in front of him.....
thee are no rules written on stone tablets, regarding this.....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
As you said, you need to focus on what is best for you.
You should know that "functioning" is not a type of alcoholism, it's just a stage. This thing is progressive. Left unchecked, it will only get worse, and the alcoholic will go from functioning to not. Though I would argue that if her marriage is in jeopardy over her drinking, she is not as "functional" as either of you believe.
Once the line is crossed into alcoholism there will be no such think as controlled or moderated drinking ever again.
She sounds unwilling, at this point, to admit that she is an alcoholic or to deal with in a realistic way. Since that is the case, I can't see as it matters whether you are drinking or not. Do not pretend you have any control of whether or how much she drinks, either in the adverse or the positive. She might think drinking with her means it's okay for her to do it. She might resent you from being able to drink normally and use that as an excuse to get loaded herself. Then again, if she were actually committed to sobriety, you could bathe in champagne everyday for a year and it still wouldn't affect her decision.
All that being said, dandylion's advice above is very generous and kind-hearted and I think you should read it.
You should know that "functioning" is not a type of alcoholism, it's just a stage. This thing is progressive. Left unchecked, it will only get worse, and the alcoholic will go from functioning to not. Though I would argue that if her marriage is in jeopardy over her drinking, she is not as "functional" as either of you believe.
Once the line is crossed into alcoholism there will be no such think as controlled or moderated drinking ever again.
She sounds unwilling, at this point, to admit that she is an alcoholic or to deal with in a realistic way. Since that is the case, I can't see as it matters whether you are drinking or not. Do not pretend you have any control of whether or how much she drinks, either in the adverse or the positive. She might think drinking with her means it's okay for her to do it. She might resent you from being able to drink normally and use that as an excuse to get loaded herself. Then again, if she were actually committed to sobriety, you could bathe in champagne everyday for a year and it still wouldn't affect her decision.
All that being said, dandylion's advice above is very generous and kind-hearted and I think you should read it.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Milljax 
if I want a drink or two- should I not have that around my wife? She is still drinking daily
I don't think that it makes one bit of difference whether we drink with/around an active alcoholic or not. The alcoholic is the one and only person responsible for her drinking. If we could influence an active alcoholic to not drink or to "cut down," then there would be no need at all for this forum, the thousands of meetings in every town and the millions of counseling sessions happening every year. There is ONE PERSON who has an influence on whether and how much an active alcoholic drinks and that is the active alcoholic. Nobody else.
There is no way to control an alcoholic's drinking. None.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Regarding "moderating", you might find this thread helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderation.html (My guide to moderation)
As for drinking with her, well that's up to you, of course. Would I? No, not if the person showed any sign of trying to quit.
Does it make a difference? Who knows, each person is different.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderation.html (My guide to moderation)
As for drinking with her, well that's up to you, of course. Would I? No, not if the person showed any sign of trying to quit.
Does it make a difference? Who knows, each person is different.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
At this point, ditto everyone above in that you can't help or hurt your wife's choice to quit or not. I know it will FEEL like you are and us active alcoholics are fantastic at blaming or citing others' behavior for our choices. But as the saying goes "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it."
What about Al-Anon? If you stay married long term, and regardless of whether she gets sober or not, learning how to take care of you, about the dynamics and boundaries, all of it, is something you CAN control.
I think that the actual original question is kinda beside the point at this stage - as in, if you are not an alcoholic and you drink, that is up to you. If it seems a good topic to bring up as a "I believe you can do this" example then cool.
Honestly, I don't care if people drink around me and get a little annoyed if they ask in the sense that dude, you do you and if something bothers me, I'll exit stage left. But then again - I'm sober and that's not going to change.
Good luck.
What about Al-Anon? If you stay married long term, and regardless of whether she gets sober or not, learning how to take care of you, about the dynamics and boundaries, all of it, is something you CAN control.
I think that the actual original question is kinda beside the point at this stage - as in, if you are not an alcoholic and you drink, that is up to you. If it seems a good topic to bring up as a "I believe you can do this" example then cool.
Honestly, I don't care if people drink around me and get a little annoyed if they ask in the sense that dude, you do you and if something bothers me, I'll exit stage left. But then again - I'm sober and that's not going to change.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
She will keep progressing in her alcoholism. The reduction in amount will be temporary. I also thought I could “manage “ it.
As was said above, once you are a pickle you can’t go back to being a cucumber.
Plan accordingly. I would tell some family and get some support for yourself.
As was said above, once you are a pickle you can’t go back to being a cucumber.
Plan accordingly. I would tell some family and get some support for yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I chose not to drink with my addict. He would love if I drank with him, so then he wouldn't feel like I was "judging" him while he drank alone.
I feel its no different if you were with a spouse that had an eating disorder. Do you think it would be ok to eat ice cream in front of someone trying not to eat that stuff. But everyone does things differently, so its up to you how you handle this.
I feel its no different if you were with a spouse that had an eating disorder. Do you think it would be ok to eat ice cream in front of someone trying not to eat that stuff. But everyone does things differently, so its up to you how you handle this.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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You probably can't win this one, either way. Drink, and your spouse will say, "You drink, too!" Don't drink, and you'll be labeled the prude who has a problem.
My husband was allergic to shrimp. I remember buying one of those little containers of shrimp and cocktail sauce, and eating the whole thing by myself in the grocery store parking lot. But I didn't eat them in front of him, and didn't get them as an appetizer.
AH had been deceased for a while, now, but I think I didn't drink for the one week he tried to stop. Seems reasonable. YOUR spouse isn't trying to stop, though. I actually think that's different.
My husband was allergic to shrimp. I remember buying one of those little containers of shrimp and cocktail sauce, and eating the whole thing by myself in the grocery store parking lot. But I didn't eat them in front of him, and didn't get them as an appetizer.
AH had been deceased for a while, now, but I think I didn't drink for the one week he tried to stop. Seems reasonable. YOUR spouse isn't trying to stop, though. I actually think that's different.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Double-edged sword. On one hand, if we say the addict is “in charge” of his/her drinking... that it’s their side of the street. Then one would have to allow for the same of the partner... you can drink whenever you like and shouldn’t have to let someone else’s addiction conflict with your desire for a glass of wine. Your body, your choice. However, the complexities of addiction does add extra layers and possible additional conflicts.
Ultimately I think it’s just important to be compassionate and considerate whenever possible... and aware that your actions (whatever your decision... to drink or not) could trigger both good/bad. But hey, damned if you do... damned if you don’t.
Now if children are/were involved... I certainly wouldn’t be drinking along with my alcoholic partner. In my opinion, they don’t need to see both parents takin’ sips. Plus it’s dangerous for someone not to be fully sober or present.
But it’s hard. For me, I was so pissed off and sickened with alcohol that I could barely stomach a glass of wine when I was with my ex GF. However, at times I did drink.. but I was careful and considerate about my choices and the consequences of such actions. And... I stopped drinking with her, alone.
Ultimately I think it’s just important to be compassionate and considerate whenever possible... and aware that your actions (whatever your decision... to drink or not) could trigger both good/bad. But hey, damned if you do... damned if you don’t.
Now if children are/were involved... I certainly wouldn’t be drinking along with my alcoholic partner. In my opinion, they don’t need to see both parents takin’ sips. Plus it’s dangerous for someone not to be fully sober or present.
But it’s hard. For me, I was so pissed off and sickened with alcohol that I could barely stomach a glass of wine when I was with my ex GF. However, at times I did drink.. but I was careful and considerate about my choices and the consequences of such actions. And... I stopped drinking with her, alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
My boyfriend always used to say, go ahead and get a drink, I don’t mind. But, it felt odd to me to drink right in front of him knowing what an issue he had, and this decision to not drink was frankly made much easier by the fact that I never really drink anyway and don’t miss it all if I’m not doing it. In the end, it didn’t matter anyway as far as his sobriety or lack thereof, but at least I never had to feel any guilt (rightly or wrongly) about putting it in front of him.
Alcohol is everywhere you turn really, it took me being with an alcoholic to start noticing this.
Alcohol is everywhere you turn really, it took me being with an alcoholic to start noticing this.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
It didn’t really matter, but was nice to not have alcohol in my house and my wife not drinking at home during my first months of sobriety. I had made the decision to quit and seek help and she was supportive. So, if your wife decides to stop for good and you want to be extra supportive then you could consider not drinking at home the first 3+ months. It’s up to you though and she’s responsible for her sobriety in the end.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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She's not currently attempting to stop drinking, so if you feel like having a couple of drinks now and then, I can't see it affecting her one way or the other. I would caution against long drinking sessions with her though, because you'd be reinforcing her habits. You sound like you can stop at one or two though.
If she finally accepts that she has to stop for good, and completely, then it would be inconsiderate of you to drink in front of her or keep alcohol in the house, but she's still at the bargaining stage - 'I can keep drinking as long as I moderate'.
If she finally accepts that she has to stop for good, and completely, then it would be inconsiderate of you to drink in front of her or keep alcohol in the house, but she's still at the bargaining stage - 'I can keep drinking as long as I moderate'.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I drank with my ex for many years.
After gaining 100 pounds and having horrible lab reports at the doctor's (yes, they even charted that I was a "heavy drinker,) I quit the day I left my ex and haven't had a drink since.
After gaining 100 pounds and having horrible lab reports at the doctor's (yes, they even charted that I was a "heavy drinker,) I quit the day I left my ex and haven't had a drink since.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Early in our relationship I would drink a fair amount with my now XRAH. It was really dumb (because I was clueless at that time about alcoholism and I didn’t really get that he really was one, he was dealing with a nasty divorce, stress at work etc etc....now I know better) because I thought if only I drank with him he wouldn’t drink as much. But as soon as the bottle of wine was empty he would just open another one. I did that for a few months probably and then I just couldn’t do it anymore. I mean I liked having a glass of wine in the evening but really didn’t enjoy drinking much more than that, at least not on a daily basis. Over the years he quit a few times and I would not drink either. Once he went to rehab I admit I wasn’t very sympathetic anymore. I admit even having a mimosa at brunch when he was still in rehab but we went out for thanksgiving brunch with his nieces and our kiddo. Once he was home I would still get a drink when we went out to dinner. I had quit with him many times and I guess I felt that he had done enough to our relationship and I wasn’t going to give up something I like just because he had a problem. I had been considerate for all of our relationship and I was just done being a pleaser. But I never drank at home (not even if he wasn’t there because I don’t like drinking by myself) and if we went out I only had one drink.
Since your AW is still drinking is a little different, she clearly isn’t ready to quit. So you drinking or not drinking won’t make any difference at all. If you want to have a drink or two every once in a while I would if I were you. There have been many times when I would not join him and he would still drink. And even though I do like to have a drink(I normally have a couple of drinks a week with friends so if I don’t get together with them I don’t drink) it did get to a point where I just did not enjoy drinking with him anymore at all because he would just get drunk. But i still enjoyed having a drink with others. I think a lot of people were so turned off by alcohol after living with an AS that they just quit drinking and I do understand that as well.
There is no right or wrong answer, I think you need to do what you want to do. If you enjoy having a drink here and there then why not, it won’t change her drinking habits. And if you just don’t feel right drinking when she is around that is totally legit too. But I would base it on your needs/wants and feelings and not what it might or might not do to her because unless she is ready to quit nothing you do or don’t do will affect her drinking
Since your AW is still drinking is a little different, she clearly isn’t ready to quit. So you drinking or not drinking won’t make any difference at all. If you want to have a drink or two every once in a while I would if I were you. There have been many times when I would not join him and he would still drink. And even though I do like to have a drink(I normally have a couple of drinks a week with friends so if I don’t get together with them I don’t drink) it did get to a point where I just did not enjoy drinking with him anymore at all because he would just get drunk. But i still enjoyed having a drink with others. I think a lot of people were so turned off by alcohol after living with an AS that they just quit drinking and I do understand that as well.
There is no right or wrong answer, I think you need to do what you want to do. If you enjoy having a drink here and there then why not, it won’t change her drinking habits. And if you just don’t feel right drinking when she is around that is totally legit too. But I would base it on your needs/wants and feelings and not what it might or might not do to her because unless she is ready to quit nothing you do or don’t do will affect her drinking
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I personally would not drink around an addict. That is just me. I am not saying don't drink, just maybe not with her around. Because really, it's the same as being on a diet and someone eating the chocolate cake in front of you.
This is just my two cents though. I agree, there is no right or wrong answer, just whatever you choose for you.
Just remember, you cannot control how she acts, only how you REACT.
This is just my two cents though. I agree, there is no right or wrong answer, just whatever you choose for you.
Just remember, you cannot control how she acts, only how you REACT.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
I used to drink with AH, although much less than him. I stopped because someone needed to be in control, and it sure wasn't going to be him. In the past, DS2 had a health problem that required me to respond urgently. I was never going to be in a position where I couldn't do that.
Having that boundary has significantly affected our relationship. He has fostered his drinking buddy relationships much more than ours since I stopped being one of those buddies. That is extremely hurtful and has taken him away from home fairly regularly. Its also impacted our children.
I'm getting a bit off topic, but I stopped drinking (not completely, ill have perhaps 2 glasses per week) for reasons that were important to me - my children, family, health, its not attractive to see a middle-aged person drunk etc etc
Despite the fallout, i don't regret a thing.
Having that boundary has significantly affected our relationship. He has fostered his drinking buddy relationships much more than ours since I stopped being one of those buddies. That is extremely hurtful and has taken him away from home fairly regularly. Its also impacted our children.
I'm getting a bit off topic, but I stopped drinking (not completely, ill have perhaps 2 glasses per week) for reasons that were important to me - my children, family, health, its not attractive to see a middle-aged person drunk etc etc
Despite the fallout, i don't regret a thing.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
When I went through it with my XABF, I was a very regular drinker. I discovered that at times when we went out for dinner I really wanted to have a drink. Not only because I was a regular drinker, but there is something about not being able to do something that makes you want to do it more - honestly, when I was with him I craved a cocktail at dinner significantly more than when I was without him.
This is the hard part about being married to an A. It impacts every part of your life - you no longer have normal. You have a "new" normal. The hard part in your situation is that she is still drinking so part of you may feel like, what's the point in me missing out if she's still doing it? For my ex, I mostly refrained as both a show of solidarity and to avoid 'putting it in his face'. I will admit a couple of times he would encourage me to drink at dinner out at a restaurant saying that it didn't impact him. That was partly true - and I say it because they will drink whether you do it or not. If they are going to drink, your imbibing has zero impact. Now, what I will say is that if she starts putting a concerted effort to avoiding it and you want to help her through it, it would be best to refrain from it in her company. For me this meant I never even kept it in the house. I dealt with 'dry dinners' out and just accepted it.
This is a major commitment as a partner of an alcoholic (none of them are functional, though some are better at living life than others). In the end I will say that no matter what I did or didn't do, leaving ended up being the only option for someone who could not or was not ready to change.
Best wishes to you.
This is the hard part about being married to an A. It impacts every part of your life - you no longer have normal. You have a "new" normal. The hard part in your situation is that she is still drinking so part of you may feel like, what's the point in me missing out if she's still doing it? For my ex, I mostly refrained as both a show of solidarity and to avoid 'putting it in his face'. I will admit a couple of times he would encourage me to drink at dinner out at a restaurant saying that it didn't impact him. That was partly true - and I say it because they will drink whether you do it or not. If they are going to drink, your imbibing has zero impact. Now, what I will say is that if she starts putting a concerted effort to avoiding it and you want to help her through it, it would be best to refrain from it in her company. For me this meant I never even kept it in the house. I dealt with 'dry dinners' out and just accepted it.
This is a major commitment as a partner of an alcoholic (none of them are functional, though some are better at living life than others). In the end I will say that no matter what I did or didn't do, leaving ended up being the only option for someone who could not or was not ready to change.
Best wishes to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Personally, I'd continue to live my life as I see fit, just as she's doing. Even when I was getting/staying sober myself, I didn't want others changing their lives 'for me'. Not to mention, it doesn't sound like she's that committed to sobriety just yet. Your drinking/not drinking really shouldn't matter. I wouldn't go inviting her to a bar/party any time soon though, if that makes sense.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
I’m sorry for what you’re dealing with. I hope you find clarity and peace.
I’m kind of seeing this as two different things here. Most responses are geared towards whether you should drink, in or out if her presence.
That’s entirely your business, it’s your life and you are an adult.
To me though, drinking WITH her is something else entirely. Do you feel you could “raise a glass” WITH her now, knowing what you know about her drinking?
If you don’t see yourself enjoying cracking a bottle with her, don’t drink with her. If you choose to go beyond that and support her by not drinking around her, that would be helpful if she’s trying not to drink. But it won’t make her stop, that has to come from her.
When I first quit drinking, my partner didn’t drink around me at home, but would still drink out. That was fine, she’s not the one with the problem.
I’m kind of seeing this as two different things here. Most responses are geared towards whether you should drink, in or out if her presence.
That’s entirely your business, it’s your life and you are an adult.
To me though, drinking WITH her is something else entirely. Do you feel you could “raise a glass” WITH her now, knowing what you know about her drinking?
If you don’t see yourself enjoying cracking a bottle with her, don’t drink with her. If you choose to go beyond that and support her by not drinking around her, that would be helpful if she’s trying not to drink. But it won’t make her stop, that has to come from her.
When I first quit drinking, my partner didn’t drink around me at home, but would still drink out. That was fine, she’s not the one with the problem.
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