Ruby2112

Partner has been in active recovery for 2 years. Hes had a few slips but went straight back into recovery. Last saturday he drank after 3 months of sobriety. Mon he left our home and is actively drinking again. Hes staying with his boss from work. When he left it was a very impulsive decision and he didnt take his belongings. He wanted me to pack them up and take then to him. I refused. Trying my hardest to start to detach but am dreading the chaos that will ensue at some point.

dandylion

Ruby.....I can relate to how upset you must be....and, I do think that there will be the chaos that you anticipate. Alcoholism brings chaos....
It will be up to you as to how much the chaos will take you over....it will come down (mostly) to your OWN boundaries...and how much you are willing/able to protect yourself....take care of yourself....
You can't control him...but, you can control your own self......

mylifeismine

I'm so sorry Ruby. Please take good care of yourself.
Do you have a good support system? Alanon sponsor?
It is so sad when they slip back into active drinking but
that is an ever present risk in recovery and why we have
to maintain our support systems. ((hugs))

Ruby2112

Luckily I have very good friends. This is the first time I have ever used one of these forums. Think I will find it very helpful. Just to know people understand already helps. Yes definately trying to use some boundaries

trailmix

I'm glad you decided to post.

Yes, it is very hurtful, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Do you attend Al-Anon at all?

Ruby2112

Thankyou. Yes I have been in the past when things have got really bad.

trailmix

I would recommend getting to a meeting as soon as possible.

I think it's good that you didn't pack his stuff up and deliver it. He knows where it is and what he has to do about that, you aren't his valet.

What is the chaos that normally ensues? Is he violent at all, verbally abusive?

Ruby2112

Yeah I'm going to look at meetings this week. Some people think me not packing his stuff is controlling behaviour? I'm thinking it's just his consequence for going drinking and leaving it there.
Hes been violent in the past. Mostly these days its verbal via messages or banging on my door. I never let him in. He will probably be fine for a few weeks whilst he steadily drinks more more and more. He always seems to do something when im least expecting it

trailmix

No, controlling behaviour would be something like - if you come and talk to me I'll give you your stuff.

Simply wanting him to take care of his own business is not controlling, you're right, he took off and left his stuff, that is his consequence.

If you would like him to stay away, you might consider throwing his things in some garbage bags though and saying you can pick them up on the door step on X day at X time. Then you don't have to see him.

I'm sure this is causing you stress as well, not knowing when/if he will show up and the mood he might be in, so that's another reason to get his stuff out.

How are you doing? Are you good with him leaving now?

AnvilheadII

Hes been violent in the past. Mostly these days its verbal via messages or banging on my door. I never let him in. He will probably be fine for a few weeks whilst he steadily drinks more more and more. He always seems to do something when im least expecting it

i feel compelled to say that abuse is NEVER ok, NEVER acceptable, not once, not just because of......

what are your plans and do they include continuing this toxic, dangerous relationship?

Ruby2112

I did say I wanted to talk to him but it wasnt with the condition of being able to collect his stuff. He originally wanted to come in here whilst I was at work and our kids were home so he wouldn't have to face me. But they wouldn't let him in without my say so.
i am considering that but as a rule the hours I work my kids are generally home alone (they are 21 &17) so dont really want to put them in that situation. I'm not too stressed, trying to do some self care and preaching to myself detach detach detach. Just not sleeping well.
I'm very sad that's hes struggling and let it grip him again. But again my new mantra is I cant control it. (Been reading lots, can you tell haha)

maia1234

Ruby,
Welcome and glad you came out of the closet. Education is power. Keep reading all over this forum and you will find that your partner is no special snow flake. He is not ay different then any other alcoholic on this forum. What you need to consider is that alcoholism is progressive, I can guarantee you, it will get worse. I stayed with my addict for 34 years and he is still drinking, 5 years post our divorce.

Sounds like you are looking for a change. Hits some alanon meetings or open aa meetings. Seek out an addiction therapist if you can. You need to realize that the merry go round that you are on will never stop,till you get off. Build up your knowledge, figure out a plan and take your time to execute it. Its a tough rode but there are a lot of us on this forum that have survived and thrived with out an addict in our life. Hugs my friend, you are doing great.

Ruby2112

Havent thought that far ahead to be honest. When hes in active recovery he is a very very different man

Ruby2112

Thankyou. That's definately what I'm finding, knowledge is power.

trailmix

I agree with AnvilheadII, abuse is never ok.

I understand that he is a different person when he is sober, but perhaps separation, until he gets back in to recovery (whenever that might be) is a good idea?

You are right in detaching, you didn't Cause it can't Control it and can't Cure it.

I really hope you will consider making a break until he is, at least, sober for a while for you and for your children. You shouldn't and they shouldn't have a person in your life that you fear opening the door for, you know what I mean?

You deserve better.

Ruby2112

Oh we are definately separated at the moment. He rarely has time for me when hes drinking unless hes angry or thinks I'm moving on. I think my plan is to offer support from a distance if he chooses to go back to recovery. But I certainly won't be having him live with me again or ever until he has considerable sobriety under his belt

FeelingGreat

Ruby, on the practical side, have you quarantined your financial affairs? You could also be jointly liable if he drinks, drives, then has an accident. Joint credit cards?

Ruby2112

Luckily after all the years of madness we have nothing in joint names, I've made sure of that. I'm very financially stable now so that takes a lot of stress away

FeelingGreat

So glad you have given yourself options.

Wombaticus

Do your children have an escape plan? Do you know it? Do they know yours?
it sounds like you are waiting for a bomb to go off. I imagine that is pretty awful.