Slow changing personality from A
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Slow changing personality from A
Curious. One of my good friends spoke with me today openly about her thoughts in the last few years with my husband. She said there have been several times when we were all together where he was not treating me properly, he would make me the butt of the joke when he was in uncomfortable situations, and just in general that his attitude is much more selfish. Antell clearly he does not put me or my feelings first. She said it definitely was not like this when we first got married, but she has noticed it the last couple of years but things of changed. I wonder if it is directly result from the alcoholism?
Now in general I would definitely say I am not a doormat, but this really bothered me that she noticed this somewhat little thing. I have been complaining for the last couple of years that he “needs to be nicer “in general. Why can’t he just be nicer? He’s just gotten grumpy. When you have a good job and a good family? Has the A slowly changed him?
He has said things to me in the past couple of years like “I have ruined women for him and if we were to ever split up he would never remarry”. Sadly I did not think of much of it at the time, except that that was simply a really sad thing to say and it made me think am I really that terrible?
Honestly he doesn’t deserve me if we are telling each other the truth. He doesn’t ever put me first, did nothing for my birthday or anniversary this year, and in general I spend a TON of time worrying about him and trying to help him eat better, lose weight, get healthier, help think through work problems, stop drinking, the list goes on...
What I am trying to figure out is how this all happened, I guess it happened slowly over time. I don’t even think I could really put into words or explain to him how things were not like this when we got married 11 years ago. Until things have just slowly deteriorated and our marriage has suffered. So much.
you know how you have good days and bad days? And it depends on the day when you and say how you feel on something? I am trying to think back to when I thought our marriage was good. Like really good. This is the saddest thing to say, but I saw the other day on a new story a woman who had written a tribute to her husband who died way too early in his life, she had all of these kind and wonderful things to say about him. I was trying to think about what I would say, and what I felt like was that if I copied and pasted her words almost none of them would apply to our relationship. Good hearted, kind and loving, thoughtful. A true partner in life.
yet when we end up on the phone it feels like any other day. Like none of this is happening.
What I really want to know is, is there any going back to a really good place? For him to realize that he needs to be a nicer person? That he has changed so much? I guess he would not even know or realize. Can he ever be a GOOD husband? If he’s in recovery.
Now in general I would definitely say I am not a doormat, but this really bothered me that she noticed this somewhat little thing. I have been complaining for the last couple of years that he “needs to be nicer “in general. Why can’t he just be nicer? He’s just gotten grumpy. When you have a good job and a good family? Has the A slowly changed him?
He has said things to me in the past couple of years like “I have ruined women for him and if we were to ever split up he would never remarry”. Sadly I did not think of much of it at the time, except that that was simply a really sad thing to say and it made me think am I really that terrible?
Honestly he doesn’t deserve me if we are telling each other the truth. He doesn’t ever put me first, did nothing for my birthday or anniversary this year, and in general I spend a TON of time worrying about him and trying to help him eat better, lose weight, get healthier, help think through work problems, stop drinking, the list goes on...
What I am trying to figure out is how this all happened, I guess it happened slowly over time. I don’t even think I could really put into words or explain to him how things were not like this when we got married 11 years ago. Until things have just slowly deteriorated and our marriage has suffered. So much.
you know how you have good days and bad days? And it depends on the day when you and say how you feel on something? I am trying to think back to when I thought our marriage was good. Like really good. This is the saddest thing to say, but I saw the other day on a new story a woman who had written a tribute to her husband who died way too early in his life, she had all of these kind and wonderful things to say about him. I was trying to think about what I would say, and what I felt like was that if I copied and pasted her words almost none of them would apply to our relationship. Good hearted, kind and loving, thoughtful. A true partner in life.
yet when we end up on the phone it feels like any other day. Like none of this is happening.
What I really want to know is, is there any going back to a really good place? For him to realize that he needs to be a nicer person? That he has changed so much? I guess he would not even know or realize. Can he ever be a GOOD husband? If he’s in recovery.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Boiling frog. It’s really true.
FWIW, that was a cruel and hurtful thing for him to say to you, not a sad thing.
But...how are YOU? How are your children? Heck, how’s the weather?
The point is that this is still all about him, yes? Are you able yet to start having times when you can focus on other things?
It’s a tough habit to break, I know. I still revisit some of my various alcoholic relationships mentally and it’s been a long, long time. But maybe focus on something you can do for you, to nurture yourself for a change?
FWIW, that was a cruel and hurtful thing for him to say to you, not a sad thing.
But...how are YOU? How are your children? Heck, how’s the weather?
The point is that this is still all about him, yes? Are you able yet to start having times when you can focus on other things?
It’s a tough habit to break, I know. I still revisit some of my various alcoholic relationships mentally and it’s been a long, long time. But maybe focus on something you can do for you, to nurture yourself for a change?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
I am actually feeling pretty pathetic reading back through these words. Everything in my world is about him. Almost everything. And what is not about him it’s about my kids. I have so much work to do, I do not even know where to start. I have started Al-Anon meetings weekly, I am actually excited about that. I am trying to set up a therapy appointment. And I just need to think about myself for a while. Sadly I barely know how to do that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Boiling frog. It’s really true.
FWIW, that was a cruel and hurtful thing for him to say to you, not a sad thing.
But...how are YOU? How are your children? Heck, how’s the weather?
The point is that this is still all about him, yes? Are you able yet to start having times when you can focus on other things?
It’s a tough habit to break, I know. I still revisit some of my various alcoholic relationships mentally and it’s been a long, long time. But maybe focus on something you can do for you, to nurture yourself for a change?
FWIW, that was a cruel and hurtful thing for him to say to you, not a sad thing.
But...how are YOU? How are your children? Heck, how’s the weather?
The point is that this is still all about him, yes? Are you able yet to start having times when you can focus on other things?
It’s a tough habit to break, I know. I still revisit some of my various alcoholic relationships mentally and it’s been a long, long time. But maybe focus on something you can do for you, to nurture yourself for a change?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by FWN
I plan to spend a lot of time there, I already have spent several days there and really enjoy it. Even if I just read a book, listen to a book, on a treadmill or something it is a nice break.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh friend. You are putting SO MUCH EFFORT into figuring out "why" he does what he does. I know, I did the same thing. Eventually you will realize it does not make any difference why. His actions are his actions. It's up to him to figure out the why if he wants to change things.
Put this effort into YOU, and what will make you happy yourself. And don't say him doing this or that. Things you have control of. You, yourself, and YOU!!!
Big hugs!
Put this effort into YOU, and what will make you happy yourself. And don't say him doing this or that. Things you have control of. You, yourself, and YOU!!!
Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I simply wanted to say... glad you are posting here. That’s why we’re all here... to learn from others and make changes in our lives. It’s not easy when feeling completely consumed by the addicts in our lives. Most of us are/were there... all I can say, it does get better in time. Baby steps are actually huge steps.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
The selfishness, I'm thinking it must be gradual because who starts out that selfish!
Selfishness. I can surmise if you are all enveloped in worrying about your next drink or hit, and your life is crumbling around you, pity for yourself and entire focus on yourself results.
I believe that many alcoholics are really busy thinking about drinking. When is the next drink, do I have enough drinks, when does the liquor store open, when does the bar close? Do I have enough at home to cover that. And when "sober" - when is my next opportunity to drink.
This is based on conversations and research. As the alcoholism progresses it follows that self-centeredness follows.
It can be overwhelming when you think - omg I really need to work on myself and stop putting everyone else first!
But you know, it's not that hard to do once you are really aware of it. Once you question, what do I want? Does that suit me? Am I excited about doing that? Do I want to go there?
For instance I don't know if you do this in particular but say an acquaintance invites you to a get together and you know it will not be fun for you, but you go anyway. Just need to practice saying, no. That frees up time for you to do what you want to do and that will bring you happiness.
Selfishness. I can surmise if you are all enveloped in worrying about your next drink or hit, and your life is crumbling around you, pity for yourself and entire focus on yourself results.
I believe that many alcoholics are really busy thinking about drinking. When is the next drink, do I have enough drinks, when does the liquor store open, when does the bar close? Do I have enough at home to cover that. And when "sober" - when is my next opportunity to drink.
This is based on conversations and research. As the alcoholism progresses it follows that self-centeredness follows.
It can be overwhelming when you think - omg I really need to work on myself and stop putting everyone else first!
But you know, it's not that hard to do once you are really aware of it. Once you question, what do I want? Does that suit me? Am I excited about doing that? Do I want to go there?
For instance I don't know if you do this in particular but say an acquaintance invites you to a get together and you know it will not be fun for you, but you go anyway. Just need to practice saying, no. That frees up time for you to do what you want to do and that will bring you happiness.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Reading your post causes me to reflect on my own marriage.
Yup, it gradually disintegrated over time. I didn't put forth that much effort trying to get him healthy, stop drinking, etc. He would periodically announce, (whenever I did anything different) that it was pointless to try to change him.
There was a lot of resentment at that time, over his treatment of me, but unlike you, I stayed. That's on me. I've reached a point where I think he was probably using all the energy he had trying not to slip any further into oblivion. Considering anyone or anything outside of getting more beer was literally beyond his ability.
One day I expressed my frustration and sadness that he didn't even try to stop drinking, and someone on here said, "He couldn't." That still makes me sad, but the frustration is gone, of course.
In the interest of full disclosure, when he found out he was terminally ill, he did call one of his acquaintances and asked him to look out for me.
Yup, it gradually disintegrated over time. I didn't put forth that much effort trying to get him healthy, stop drinking, etc. He would periodically announce, (whenever I did anything different) that it was pointless to try to change him.
There was a lot of resentment at that time, over his treatment of me, but unlike you, I stayed. That's on me. I've reached a point where I think he was probably using all the energy he had trying not to slip any further into oblivion. Considering anyone or anything outside of getting more beer was literally beyond his ability.
One day I expressed my frustration and sadness that he didn't even try to stop drinking, and someone on here said, "He couldn't." That still makes me sad, but the frustration is gone, of course.
In the interest of full disclosure, when he found out he was terminally ill, he did call one of his acquaintances and asked him to look out for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by FWN
He has said things to me in the past couple of years like “I have ruined women for him and if we were to ever split up he would never remarry”. Sadly I did not think of much of it at the time, except that that was simply a really sad thing to say and it made me think am I really that terrible?
I am getting from your posts that you are standing up for yourself. This makes you fabulous, not terrible. If seeing you grow has ruined women for him, so be it.
You are being a wonderful role model for your children.
My AH is getting a bit worse with his digs and snide comments as he feels my self esteem and low tolerance for BS grow. I just internally roll my eyes and move on.
I'm so sorry you are on the receiving end of this nonsense. Just keep being you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Unless he is ready to embrace true recovery he isn’t going to see his behavior changes at all. If he seeks recovery and does therapy and all that he will likely get insight into his behavior changes at some point but even that may take a while. Until then, he will not see it. Alcohol changes the brain and they may never go back to baseline even if they get clean. It takes a year or more to get out of the fog so to speak but there may be residual brain issues depending on how long or how heavy someone drank. Personalities can change as well.
And because we live with the A and see them everyday it is hard to see that their behaviors are changing, that and we probably have excuses as to why they’re changing even if we do notice. People that aren’t around the A a lot will notice it a lot sooner than we do.
And I agree, don’t waste your brain power on the why of it all. It isn’t logical, they’re not thinking logical so you can’t make sense of it. I think with you being separate from him now and doing alanon and such you will start recognizing the dysfunction in your relationship more and more because you can now think more clearly and relax as you are not trying to police his drinking anymore. And I bet with a lot of stuff you’ll wonder how you could not have not noticed it sooner. And I would try to not focus on what the future may or not bring and what thing might be like if he truly recovered. It is called future tripping and it is not productive and just causes more anxiety. Has he taken any steps towards recovery yet? Because if not, all this what if and why doesn’t matter at all. He is still drinking so nothing is changing.
And because we live with the A and see them everyday it is hard to see that their behaviors are changing, that and we probably have excuses as to why they’re changing even if we do notice. People that aren’t around the A a lot will notice it a lot sooner than we do.
And I agree, don’t waste your brain power on the why of it all. It isn’t logical, they’re not thinking logical so you can’t make sense of it. I think with you being separate from him now and doing alanon and such you will start recognizing the dysfunction in your relationship more and more because you can now think more clearly and relax as you are not trying to police his drinking anymore. And I bet with a lot of stuff you’ll wonder how you could not have not noticed it sooner. And I would try to not focus on what the future may or not bring and what thing might be like if he truly recovered. It is called future tripping and it is not productive and just causes more anxiety. Has he taken any steps towards recovery yet? Because if not, all this what if and why doesn’t matter at all. He is still drinking so nothing is changing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
I defiantly relate to this post my ex has always been a. Drinker he was never rude or nasty always the clown I was with him 2 years and the last year he had changed slightly not a lot but enough for me to notice and for me to feel unhappy and drained so we split.
3 years had passed and he made contact and I got sucked back in and OMG he had changed into someone I actually now do not even know. The digs when drunk the comments how I ruined us before how I am this and that never him always me !! H starting to try and start arguments and I’d bite which I should have actually laughed at but like you I’m strong and won’t take a man talking to me in a bad way.
the selfish behaviour , it was never ever about me and my feelings always his you don’t love me al the time and even though I’m strong this time I really couldn’t take anymore because his drinking and verbal abuse had got worse !
I was the one that was always there for him no one else yet I was the target after his drinking so yes it’s progressive and mine had changed a lot in the 3 years we was apart.
focus on you because I have learnt you can’t make sense out of the way they act it’s on possible hot cold pull and push is all the do. I’ve now started putting me first until I meet someone who can love me equally as much as I love them.
3 years had passed and he made contact and I got sucked back in and OMG he had changed into someone I actually now do not even know. The digs when drunk the comments how I ruined us before how I am this and that never him always me !! H starting to try and start arguments and I’d bite which I should have actually laughed at but like you I’m strong and won’t take a man talking to me in a bad way.
the selfish behaviour , it was never ever about me and my feelings always his you don’t love me al the time and even though I’m strong this time I really couldn’t take anymore because his drinking and verbal abuse had got worse !
I was the one that was always there for him no one else yet I was the target after his drinking so yes it’s progressive and mine had changed a lot in the 3 years we was apart.
focus on you because I have learnt you can’t make sense out of the way they act it’s on possible hot cold pull and push is all the do. I’ve now started putting me first until I meet someone who can love me equally as much as I love them.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
