I only have myself to blame
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
I only have myself to blame
Hi all I just really need to speak to people that’ll and not be judged because I’m truly beating myself up at the moment with the mistake I’ve made and o don’t know how to get past this feeling.
from my previous posts I’d split with my AB and I had blocked him and felt strong inside with my decision.
it had been weeks and I was on the up u TIL I saw a post from his sister saying his dad had a suspected heart attack. So I reached out by email saying o hope all was on sorry to hear about his dad I’m human at the end of the day ??
he responded and we chatted via email and he asked if he could call so I unblocked him and we chatted about everything. As weeks went past we met up and he wasn’t drinking and seemed normal if that’s a word to use.
we spent more and more tome together going to see his dad etc about a month in I noticed he’d have a drink while out for dinner then it became more and more and I then realised I was back in the one place I’d escaped from and I didn’t like it !! The verbal abuse started the basic name calling I’m stupid a mug etc the ranting started other drink became more the I love you your my world to having a go at me within seconds to the let’s book a holiday all with half hour this new way he was acting was new to me and never had this change in personality within min. I felt oouldnt escape couldn’t breath as he was at mine all over Xmas I hate arguing so I became a mouse and when I didn’t finally find my voice he was gone out of my house and my life again.
i had a taste again for 2 months again of the one thing o escaped from I’m so angry at myself for emailing him angry for letting him back into my life AGAIN how do I stop feeling this and trust me I won’t be making the same mistake again. Because i don’t like feeling like this anymore I don’t like how I feel now and I know this is all my own fault !!!
from my previous posts I’d split with my AB and I had blocked him and felt strong inside with my decision.
it had been weeks and I was on the up u TIL I saw a post from his sister saying his dad had a suspected heart attack. So I reached out by email saying o hope all was on sorry to hear about his dad I’m human at the end of the day ??
he responded and we chatted via email and he asked if he could call so I unblocked him and we chatted about everything. As weeks went past we met up and he wasn’t drinking and seemed normal if that’s a word to use.
we spent more and more tome together going to see his dad etc about a month in I noticed he’d have a drink while out for dinner then it became more and more and I then realised I was back in the one place I’d escaped from and I didn’t like it !! The verbal abuse started the basic name calling I’m stupid a mug etc the ranting started other drink became more the I love you your my world to having a go at me within seconds to the let’s book a holiday all with half hour this new way he was acting was new to me and never had this change in personality within min. I felt oouldnt escape couldn’t breath as he was at mine all over Xmas I hate arguing so I became a mouse and when I didn’t finally find my voice he was gone out of my house and my life again.
i had a taste again for 2 months again of the one thing o escaped from I’m so angry at myself for emailing him angry for letting him back into my life AGAIN how do I stop feeling this and trust me I won’t be making the same mistake again. Because i don’t like feeling like this anymore I don’t like how I feel now and I know this is all my own fault !!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You're not the first person who ever broke NC How about being a little kinder to yourself?
For instance, if you came to the forum today and someone had posted that they broke NC, would you say - weeeeelllll you have no one to blame but yourself!
You see what I mean.
Now that you have had that second go at it, you know for a fact that this can't work, with him being in active addiction. He's not relationship material. You really do deserve someone who will treat you with kindness and respect.
So, what do you do? Breaking NC can really be a set back and I'm guessing you feel almost as bad as when you broke up the first time? Well, it's just going to take time to get over it. Time and healing.
What are you doing to help yourself heal?
For instance, if you came to the forum today and someone had posted that they broke NC, would you say - weeeeelllll you have no one to blame but yourself!
You see what I mean.
Now that you have had that second go at it, you know for a fact that this can't work, with him being in active addiction. He's not relationship material. You really do deserve someone who will treat you with kindness and respect.
So, what do you do? Breaking NC can really be a set back and I'm guessing you feel almost as bad as when you broke up the first time? Well, it's just going to take time to get over it. Time and healing.
What are you doing to help yourself heal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
This only happened this morning so the feelings and emotions are a little raw I know o am not the first and I would support anyone who was going through the same as we are all human.
yea why does this hurt more I never ever want to feel like this again ever and I will never break NC again I’m going to remember this feeling now.
can you advise how I can help this process along really appreciate the advice
yea why does this hurt more I never ever want to feel like this again ever and I will never break NC again I’m going to remember this feeling now.
can you advise how I can help this process along really appreciate the advice
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
BE, you're hardly the only person on these boards who had to touch the stove again to make sure it was really that hot.
The first thing you can do is forgive yourself. Stop talking to yourself like you've done anything shameful. You wouldn't talk to a friend that way, would you? Be a friend to yourself first and foremost.
There really isn't any way to rush the process, I'm afraid. Feeling these feelings is part of it; just try to remember that it is not always going to hurt like this. Stick around the board and read and read. There are so many survivors here.
The first thing you can do is forgive yourself. Stop talking to yourself like you've done anything shameful. You wouldn't talk to a friend that way, would you? Be a friend to yourself first and foremost.
There really isn't any way to rush the process, I'm afraid. Feeling these feelings is part of it; just try to remember that it is not always going to hurt like this. Stick around the board and read and read. There are so many survivors here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Thank you for your advice and your right it’s just how I’m feeling at the moment and your right it will get easier and better touching the stove as you put it has done me a favour because it makes me realise. No change here it’s only got worse and will only get worse and o don’t have to be part of this rollercoaster ride because we don’t have children and we are not married.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
A suggestion? Right now, make a list of every insult , every lie, every time he let you down, every time you cried.
Then keep it handy, on your phone, and read it every morning and every time you start to feel nostalgic about him.
We’ve ALL done what you did...over and over and over. So be gentle with yourself, yes?
Then keep it handy, on your phone, and read it every morning and every time you start to feel nostalgic about him.
We’ve ALL done what you did...over and over and over. So be gentle with yourself, yes?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
A suggestion? Right now, make a list of every insult , every lie, every time he let you down, every time you cried.
Then keep it handy, on your phone, and read it every morning and every time you start to feel nostalgic about him.
We’ve ALL done what you did...over and over and over. So be gentle with yourself, yes?
Then keep it handy, on your phone, and read it every morning and every time you start to feel nostalgic about him.
We’ve ALL done what you did...over and over and over. So be gentle with yourself, yes?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, those are great suggestions, the list, being kind to yourself.
When we talk about self-care, it isn't just eating right, getting some exercise and sleeping as much as you are able. It's also about being NICE to yourself.
Negative self-talk is bad for you. It helps you not at all and actually makes you feel worse (I know, I used to do it too and I still catch myself doing it sometimes). Instead of being angry at yourself, how about saying, ok that was a mistake, won't be doing that again and then looking at the ways you can protect yourself.
Have you read co-dependant no more yet? If you haven't I hope you will. If you haven't attended Al-Anon, what is the hurt in trying? You will meet a room with people in it that also understand what you are going through.
He is bad to you and he is bad for you and you can protect yourself by making sure you are in a good place, that's what self-care is all about.
When we talk about self-care, it isn't just eating right, getting some exercise and sleeping as much as you are able. It's also about being NICE to yourself.
Negative self-talk is bad for you. It helps you not at all and actually makes you feel worse (I know, I used to do it too and I still catch myself doing it sometimes). Instead of being angry at yourself, how about saying, ok that was a mistake, won't be doing that again and then looking at the ways you can protect yourself.
Have you read co-dependant no more yet? If you haven't I hope you will. If you haven't attended Al-Anon, what is the hurt in trying? You will meet a room with people in it that also understand what you are going through.
He is bad to you and he is bad for you and you can protect yourself by making sure you are in a good place, that's what self-care is all about.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Sorry you are having a difficult time.
Reading this has helped me
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
Reading this has helped me
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
NC is so unbelievably tough, especially in the beginning. Especially when emotional, human “life” experiences happen like you hear of their sick family member, etc. Our empathetic hearts go into ultra drive.
And of course, when bad news hits... reaching out to non-addicts... even past ex’s isn’t out of the ordinary. Unfortunately (as I’m sure most can relate) addicts (especially the addicts we love and why we’re here on this forum) tend to take a simple, kind email as an immediate OK to manipulate... control... take things from A to Z in a micro second.
UGH don’t you just wish things could be “normal”! Two ex lovers able to reunite every now and then and share compassion WITH boundaries. Well, at least that was once my dream. Never could happen in my case. But I really made some bad decisions... returning so many times...
Do not keep beating yourself up about this!
You’re a caring, empathetic person! Sadly not everyone we love are worthy of US. I’m sorry!
And of course, when bad news hits... reaching out to non-addicts... even past ex’s isn’t out of the ordinary. Unfortunately (as I’m sure most can relate) addicts (especially the addicts we love and why we’re here on this forum) tend to take a simple, kind email as an immediate OK to manipulate... control... take things from A to Z in a micro second.
UGH don’t you just wish things could be “normal”! Two ex lovers able to reunite every now and then and share compassion WITH boundaries. Well, at least that was once my dream. Never could happen in my case. But I really made some bad decisions... returning so many times...
Do not keep beating yourself up about this!
You’re a caring, empathetic person! Sadly not everyone we love are worthy of US. I’m sorry!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
can i ask what this means? it had been weeks and I was on the up u TIL I saw a post
i'm guessing something like FB? some social media site.
was it easy to find his sister's post about her dad? or was it something you had to take steps to get to? part of FULL No Contact is cutting off ALL avenues of contact - for ourselves. and even if we do inadvertently come across "news" about what is going on in THEIR lives, we stay no contact and leave them alone. we stay inside our own boundary. whether we like it or not!!!
otherwise, we will always find another excuse to reach out.
just like the addict comes up with another excuse to reach out for a drink. awww, just one, just a little, just cuz this one bad thing happened.
how do you not do this again? make a firm commitment to yourself, uphold it with self respect and conviction. keep your eyes on the road ahead, not the rear view mirror.
i'm guessing something like FB? some social media site.
was it easy to find his sister's post about her dad? or was it something you had to take steps to get to? part of FULL No Contact is cutting off ALL avenues of contact - for ourselves. and even if we do inadvertently come across "news" about what is going on in THEIR lives, we stay no contact and leave them alone. we stay inside our own boundary. whether we like it or not!!!
otherwise, we will always find another excuse to reach out.
just like the addict comes up with another excuse to reach out for a drink. awww, just one, just a little, just cuz this one bad thing happened.
how do you not do this again? make a firm commitment to yourself, uphold it with self respect and conviction. keep your eyes on the road ahead, not the rear view mirror.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, those are great suggestions, the list, being kind to yourself.
When we talk about self-care, it isn't just eating right, getting some exercise and sleeping as much as you are able. It's also about being NICE to yourself.
Negative self-talk is bad for you. It helps you not at all and actually makes you feel worse (I know, I used to do it too and I still catch myself doing it sometimes). Instead of being angry at yourself, how about saying, ok that was a mistake, won't be doing that again and then looking at the ways you can protect yourself.
Have you read co-dependant no more yet? If you haven't I hope you will. If you haven't attended Al-Anon, what is the hurt in trying? You will meet a room with people in it that also understand what you are going through.
He is bad to you and he is bad for you and you can protect yourself by making sure you are in a good place, that's what self-care is all about.
When we talk about self-care, it isn't just eating right, getting some exercise and sleeping as much as you are able. It's also about being NICE to yourself.
Negative self-talk is bad for you. It helps you not at all and actually makes you feel worse (I know, I used to do it too and I still catch myself doing it sometimes). Instead of being angry at yourself, how about saying, ok that was a mistake, won't be doing that again and then looking at the ways you can protect yourself.
Have you read co-dependant no more yet? If you haven't I hope you will. If you haven't attended Al-Anon, what is the hurt in trying? You will meet a room with people in it that also understand what you are going through.
He is bad to you and he is bad for you and you can protect yourself by making sure you are in a good place, that's what self-care is all about.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Sorry you are having a difficult time.
Reading this has helped me
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
Reading this has helped me
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
can i ask what this means? it had been weeks and I was on the up u TIL I saw a post
i'm guessing something like FB? some social media site.
was it easy to find his sister's post about her dad? or was it something you had to take steps to get to? part of FULL No Contact is cutting off ALL avenues of contact - for ourselves. and even if we do inadvertently come across "news" about what is going on in THEIR lives, we stay no contact and leave them alone. we stay inside our own boundary. whether we like it or not!!!
otherwise, we will always find another excuse to reach out.
just like the addict comes up with another excuse to reach out for a drink. awww, just one, just a little, just cuz this one bad thing happened.
how do you not do this again? make a firm commitment to yourself, uphold it with self respect and conviction. keep your eyes on the road ahead, not the rear view mirror.
i'm guessing something like FB? some social media site.
was it easy to find his sister's post about her dad? or was it something you had to take steps to get to? part of FULL No Contact is cutting off ALL avenues of contact - for ourselves. and even if we do inadvertently come across "news" about what is going on in THEIR lives, we stay no contact and leave them alone. we stay inside our own boundary. whether we like it or not!!!
otherwise, we will always find another excuse to reach out.
just like the addict comes up with another excuse to reach out for a drink. awww, just one, just a little, just cuz this one bad thing happened.
how do you not do this again? make a firm commitment to yourself, uphold it with self respect and conviction. keep your eyes on the road ahead, not the rear view mirror.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by hopeful4
You stop feeling that way by not creating the behavior that causes your pain. In this case, blocking him, for good. I say this kindly because I know you are hurting. I am sorry this happened.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
BE,
I hate to say but we always learn from the tough mistakes. Now you don't ever have to wonder if I made a mistake and didn't give him one more chance. You did and he showed you who he was. Believe him!!
Lesson learned. Do something kind for yourself, you deserve it!! Hug!!
I hate to say but we always learn from the tough mistakes. Now you don't ever have to wonder if I made a mistake and didn't give him one more chance. You did and he showed you who he was. Believe him!!
Lesson learned. Do something kind for yourself, you deserve it!! Hug!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by maia1234
BE,
I hate to say but we always learn from the tough mistakes. Now you don't ever have to wonder if I made a mistake and didn't give him one more chance. You did and he showed you who he was. Believe him!!
Lesson learned. Do something kind for yourself, you deserve it!! Hug!!
I hate to say but we always learn from the tough mistakes. Now you don't ever have to wonder if I made a mistake and didn't give him one more chance. You did and he showed you who he was. Believe him!!
Lesson learned. Do something kind for yourself, you deserve it!! Hug!!
wheb people on here say they don’t change believe what you read they don’t want Thank you
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by B1ueEyes
wheb people on here say they don’t change believe what you read they don’t want
Generalizations can be helpful to lift us out of our isolated mire and help us understand alcoholism instead of wondering what we're doing wrong, but we need to make a distinction between active alcoholics and those who have chosen recovery. "They" are not all unwilling and incapable of change. In fact, every single person can make enormous changes if that person chooses to. There is no such thing as a lost cause alcoholic. That is what makes things so confusing for us who love them and perhaps a big part of what keeps us hooked into their lives. There is always the potential for beautiful, positive change. What's important for us to be aware of is not that "they" do not change, but how to identify an alcoholic who is choosing committed recovery vs. an alcoholic who is not. The recovery choice and that commitment is a day to day thing, as is evidenced by relapses and "falling off the wagon." An alcoholic can falter, just as we can. We are all learning. But make no mistake that every alcoholic can indeed change by choosing to embrace a multifaceted recovery program this day and the next and the next and the next. It's up to us not to dismiss "them," but to discern whether our own alcoholic loved one is choosing their own recovery or their own demise - today. It's really either-or and with experience and education, we can get very good at recognizing which it is - today.
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