Can't make this up!

Old 01-07-2020, 12:03 AM
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Can't make this up!

For anyone unfamiliar with my situation please read my old posts. Can't even begin to describe the past, at the moment. But on to the present, I just really need to get this out.

Christmas passed with no engagement despite demands from girlfriend (safe to say ex at this point). She broke up with me the next morning and for 4 or 5 days we didn't talk at all. Then came new years eve, where she started to rip me once again for it all. I've stayed steadfast in my assessment that we simply can't move forward without addressing the drinking issue (she still drinks, basically every day and I deal with constant stress and babysitting as a result).

On new years eve, after a solid day of ripping me for not engaging her, she then said she "had to block me because she had a date". This hurt! I replied back basically saying F-off. Nothing bad on my end, not then, not ever. Always typically a gentleman except for this moment when I had had enough. I stopped replying to texts and efforts to reach me. I was, and am, done. Of all things, on Jan 1st after having not replied to any of her nonsense, her father reached out to me and said in a nutshell "Matt, please stop contacting @&$#, me and her mother are trying to get her a fresh start and we don't want any interference from you ". I said ok, and stated that all correspondence at this point by me was just in response to her, I hadn't reached out at all. He asked me to forward any messages she sends directly to him. I did, for a day or two.

Jan 2nd was her birthday. She texted me all.day trying to get me to attend her bday dinner with family. I said no, this is against your dad's wishes and not a good idea. Knowing too that I didn't want to go, trying to end things. She tried to get me to come over after, i declined.

Finally after several calls and texts on the morning of Friday, wanting to hang out and see me, I caved. I had all the Christmas gifts from my family to her in the back seat of my car, still. I said I was in the area and let me swing by and drop them off. We spent some time together, of course by about 10pm she had a couple drinks and wanted to walk down the street to a bar. We did, I had one drink and she had about 4, despite saying she only wanted "a drink".

I spent the night and the next day, gave her a ride to her friends baby shower. Her mom was also there, and dropped her back after the event at my place. We had a mellow Saturday night, no drinking which was great. Sunday, i dropped her off at her place and said goodbye for the time being. She then texted me a few hours later asking me to go to dinner. I said ok, but then an hour before she cancelled. Then the nasty texts started again, about breaking up and she didn't want to see me etc. I said ok no worries. Mind you, She had in the hours leading up to the cancellation asked me to pay her electric bill. I said sure no problem, and venmoed her the 200 bucks.

Now the bad part. Today she once again starts the day saying how terrible I am and how I ruined her life (All because I haven't proposed!). She then at one point said she is going to put a restraining order against me!!!! I literally have never wronged this person in my life, other than not marrying her. I support her in every way, and have never, in any way been verbally or physically abusive. It's all because I have stood my ground and not proposed and have been clear all along that it won't happen until the drinking is addressed! She hasn't done it, yet, but I'm so stressed i can't even sleep and have done nothing wrong! It's horrible. Is this even possible???
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Old 01-07-2020, 04:21 AM
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The nasty texts will continue as long as you remain in contact with her. I’m sorry. Break ups are hard, your best bet would be to go full no contact. Sounds like you may not be ready for that, only you can decide when you have had enough. Alcoholism is an awful beast, leaving wreckage wherever it goes.
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Old 01-07-2020, 04:38 AM
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When we start facing whatever it is we're dealing with, alcoholism, narcissistic behaviors, etc , our healing starts.

Stepping out of the dysfunction is powerful. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Keep posting. I'm glad you're here and reaching out for support!

A good cup of coffee or tea, recognizing what we're dealing with, some sunshine (or rain, or snow -- mist, fog, whatever nature is bringing our way) and connecting in healthy ways with people, places and even ourselves, are really great ways to start or end the day.

Have you looked into Al-Anon? It's a recovery program for friends and family members.
https://www.al-anon.org
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Old 01-07-2020, 05:46 AM
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It sounds like this dance you are doing is toxic for both of you.

You want her to address the drinking, she wants you to propose. Neither of you are budging. Maybe it's time to move on.
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Old 01-07-2020, 06:08 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
It sounds like this dance you are doing is toxic for both of you.

You want her to address the drinking, she wants you to propose. Neither of you are budging. Maybe it's time to move on.
Agreed. I'm definitely trying--
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Old 01-07-2020, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by California123 View Post
Agreed. I'm definitely trying--
Blocking her number and her family's numbers may help?
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Old 01-07-2020, 06:20 AM
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Get your own restraining order if this persists once blocked.
Don’t spend the night with her anymore as that is a serious mixed message and unfair if you don’t want her in your life drinking.


Be careful about her getting drunk and make false accusations at this point. She feels wronged for whatever reason and gender bias is alive and well in our legal system.
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Old 01-07-2020, 06:36 AM
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She blocked you?? How about the other way around. You need to get away from that special kind of crazy. She's using you. Block her and stop speaking to her family. No contact is the only way to move forward. I say this kindly because I know it's painful.
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Old 01-07-2020, 07:01 AM
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You are on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell, and any contact with her is designed (instinctually) to keep you in emotional turmoil. Essentially being held hostage.

I’m going to share with you what has helped me, and try to outline this as best as I can.

To go no contact, all avenues of communication need to be shut down. No access to your phone, email (block; block; change numbers or email address if you must). Do not answer the door, talk to mutual people, trigger yourself by looking at old communication or social media- nothing.

Ways (from level of severity) for a person to get through are:
-seeing the person face to face; seeing them in line of sight (out some where); talking to a mutual person; talking on the phone; texting or emailing/ letters; in thought (somehow getting a photo to you or something, in hopes of sucking you back in).

The entanglement is probably such at this level that breaking contact is most likely triggering you from your end (abandonment issues, anxiety, your own empathetic qualities sucking you back in and laying you down on the tracks in front of the moving train), so you focus 100% on getting yourself stable and supported. Friends, anyone you have in your life to talk to, support groups, forums, therapy, books, helpful youtubers, etc.

Anyways, you are probably more ready to get off the roller coaster ride than it seems (when in the middle of an emotionally charged situation, you might not necessarily feel ready). But you can do it! Good luck.
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Old 01-07-2020, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
She blocked you?? How about the other way around. You need to get away from that special kind of crazy. She's using you. Block her and stop speaking to her family. No contact is the only way to move forward. I say this kindly because I know it's painful.
Well, she said at about 5pm on new years eve that she "had to block me because she had a date". At that point I left my phone in my car so as to try to remotely enjoy my evening. Around 10 I went out and checked it and there were about 6 or 7 semi nasty messages. Didn't reply. Another one the next morn, I didn't reply either. Her birthday was the 2nd and she made attempts to reach me and I caved in. It's a very tough situation, from the inside. From the outside, on all accounts, an obvious choice!
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Old 01-07-2020, 08:19 AM
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Oh I get it. However, you will be surprised at the peace in your life and the way you are able to move forward when you do so. It's not easy I know.

Big hugs.
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Old 01-07-2020, 08:43 AM
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Gently as I can, I get that you’re enamored of her and that she has good qualities some times. But the longer you stay enmeshed in this dramafest, the sicker you’re going to get and the harder it will be for you to recover.

Neither she nor her family is going to admit the core problem: alcoholism. They want to believe that the core problem is you, for not giving her what she wants when she demands it. Is that how you want to spend your life? Getting scolded into line by her relatives every time you don’t comply with her every whim?

Valentine’s Day is coming up, so you’re going to get to do this all over again. At some point, I can see several scenarios in your future, as she has very few scruples at this point:

1. She gets pregnant by you and uses that to force you into her life forever.

2. She gets pregnant by someone else, claims it’s yours, same outcome.

3. After (hopefully) you don’t propose, she claims you assaulted her. Or files for a restraining order.

4. She manages to string together a few weeks of not drinking leading up to February 14, then if you don’t propose, she goes ballistic and the drinking resumes worse than ever, with a side order of harassment from her really messed up family. If you do propose, the drinking resumes, but now you’re engaged...it’s that much harder to get out.

Most of these outcomes affect your life pretty much forever, not in a good way.

You read other threads here...people married to alcoholics and desperately trying to protect their children, their finances, and their sanity from being destroyed as a result. That’s your future with this woman.

I see you walking along the cliff edge here, thinking that not proposing will keep you from falling. It won’t.

I wish you clarity and strength.
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Old 01-07-2020, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by California123 View Post
Agreed. I'm definitely trying--
Well, what you are doing is sending her mixed signals. You tell her it's over, but you still read her texts. You sleep with her and spend time with her. This is trying? Ariesagain lays out a very accurate depiction of what very well could happen if you continue this toxic relationship.

Ending it would be blocking all means of communication for both she and her family. They are as nuts as she is, and they could very well put you in a situation where you are miserable for the rest of your life.

If you are truly done, then be done.
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Old 01-07-2020, 10:56 AM
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Have to agree with that, you are either done or you are not.

Playing a game somewhere in the middle is not good for you (or her, but lets focus on you!).

You can ask yourself, why are you sleeping with a person you don't want to be in a relationship with anymore? Why are you spending time with her?

Even if you decided you just want to be "friends", you will still need some time away (months or years) to let the "romantic" feelings fade.

Sitting on the fence is only going to hurt you and her. Either be in the relationship or be out. Not only does everyone get hurt, it's also really unfair to the other person. While the relationship is a rollercoaster. I think perhaps you don't want to hurt her more than you are?

I think AnvilheadII put it very well once, a break up early on in a relationship can happen once and is forgivable. After that, be done or don't be.

You are sending mixed messages (which has nothing to do with her at all).
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Old 01-07-2020, 11:47 AM
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California......I am going to join the chorus, here, to impress on you the potential disaster(s) that await you if you procreate with her.
It is important for you to understand that protecting yourself is YOUR responsibility...100 per cent. Do not rely on what your partner might say, regarding birth control measures...as partners have been known to misrepresent.

I can tell that you know very little about how alcoholism works....and that you don't have much of a clue of what genuine recovery really looks like....
how much work it is...how long it really takes and what kinds of sacrifices it requires.....

To be honest, I don't see any place for any healthy kind of relationship, here....
just more and more dysfunction, as her disease continues to progress....
You will have to decide to endure the short-term pain for the long term-gain.....if you want a healthy relationship in your own future.....

Right now, alcoholism is controlling her life...and, yours.....
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Old 01-07-2020, 11:57 AM
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She “had to block me because she had a date"...

Alcoholism isn’t the primary issue. The toxic dance is. You’re both 100% guilty here.

Stay and suffer, or leave and re-gain your soul/integrity back. I’m not going to address the pregnancy potential disaster here.
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Old 01-07-2020, 12:25 PM
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Wake up
You are playing with fire and about to get 3rd degree
Burns over 80% of your body

Your actions/decisions are as reckless as hers.....
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Old 01-07-2020, 02:11 PM
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Golly Aries I started to sweat after I read your post

Hope my addict aint reading this forum Might give her ideas!
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Old 01-07-2020, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Golly Aries I started to sweat after I read your post

Hope my addict aint reading this forum Might give her ideas!
I have a dark and cynical mind.

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Old 01-07-2020, 10:34 PM
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As I, and many here have claimed, actions speak louder than words in many ways in life. Clearly it is time to practice what I/we preach. Thank you all for the support. It is very helpful and the path intend to take, and have already done so. Need to keep up the (non) actions of the last 2 days, permanently!
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