It’s definitely true that alcoholism is progressive...
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
It’s definitely true that alcoholism is progressive...
Hi everyone,
It’s been awhile since I have been on here. I’ve kept every single piece of advice at the back of my head as I have moved through the “co-parenting” (if that is what you want to call it) with my AXH. Things I use to worry about I don’t even give it a second thought anymore. The threats of taking me back to court down send shivers down my spine. I now laugh at say “okay go ahead.” Constantly questioning if I am making the right choice doesn’t consume my day. I just go with my gut motherly instinct.
AXH is officially unemployed. He received news that his company was closing down in November. He was confident that he would find something but today was his last day and he has no job. He called to inform me a week ago. He pays child support so I suspect that will stop. For many years, he held over my head the fact that he made more money than me as I was a stay at home wife. He would constantly say “I need him and couldn’t do it without him.” The reality now is that I have a job which is going to support our children.
The progressive part:
In the last few weeks my AXH drunken rants have become frequent. He would call to ask to speak with children. I would pass DS8 the phone. He would speak with him briefly then pass me the phone back. AXH has been basically verbally threating saying “he doesn’t respect me as a mother” and “he will disrespect me any chance he gets.” I don’t even bat an eye anymore. Yesterday was he scheduled day to see kids. I’ve been supervising visits. He has failed to provide me with a clean alcohol test so until he does I will continue to supervise visits in a public setting. During the visits he smelled like he hadn’t brushed his teeth and/or like an ashtray. He has gained weight and looks like he has aged: Balding and white hair on his beard. He is only 33. He didn’t show up yesterday for visit. Didn’t call/text to let me know he wasn’t gonna show up. I have text messages of me attempting to ask if he was gonna make it. No answer. However, I found out he was with his gf whom is now unemployed as well due to the fact they worked for the same company, yesterday. I guess they were licking each other’s wounds. So I can see where this road is now taking us. He has slowly but surely pull away as a father which is fine. The part that I don’t like is when he calls to verbally abuse me about my motherhood. As far as kids, if he no longer wants to see them then well that will be his decision. I believe everything happens for a reason. I still pray that he overcomes his alcoholism. But I can say for once so proudly that me and my kids are gonna be alright.
It’s been awhile since I have been on here. I’ve kept every single piece of advice at the back of my head as I have moved through the “co-parenting” (if that is what you want to call it) with my AXH. Things I use to worry about I don’t even give it a second thought anymore. The threats of taking me back to court down send shivers down my spine. I now laugh at say “okay go ahead.” Constantly questioning if I am making the right choice doesn’t consume my day. I just go with my gut motherly instinct.
AXH is officially unemployed. He received news that his company was closing down in November. He was confident that he would find something but today was his last day and he has no job. He called to inform me a week ago. He pays child support so I suspect that will stop. For many years, he held over my head the fact that he made more money than me as I was a stay at home wife. He would constantly say “I need him and couldn’t do it without him.” The reality now is that I have a job which is going to support our children.
The progressive part:
In the last few weeks my AXH drunken rants have become frequent. He would call to ask to speak with children. I would pass DS8 the phone. He would speak with him briefly then pass me the phone back. AXH has been basically verbally threating saying “he doesn’t respect me as a mother” and “he will disrespect me any chance he gets.” I don’t even bat an eye anymore. Yesterday was he scheduled day to see kids. I’ve been supervising visits. He has failed to provide me with a clean alcohol test so until he does I will continue to supervise visits in a public setting. During the visits he smelled like he hadn’t brushed his teeth and/or like an ashtray. He has gained weight and looks like he has aged: Balding and white hair on his beard. He is only 33. He didn’t show up yesterday for visit. Didn’t call/text to let me know he wasn’t gonna show up. I have text messages of me attempting to ask if he was gonna make it. No answer. However, I found out he was with his gf whom is now unemployed as well due to the fact they worked for the same company, yesterday. I guess they were licking each other’s wounds. So I can see where this road is now taking us. He has slowly but surely pull away as a father which is fine. The part that I don’t like is when he calls to verbally abuse me about my motherhood. As far as kids, if he no longer wants to see them then well that will be his decision. I believe everything happens for a reason. I still pray that he overcomes his alcoholism. But I can say for once so proudly that me and my kids are gonna be alright.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
mamabear,
Happy New Year.
Kudos on all you've accomplished!!!
Being a single parent is something many of us experience long before the alcoholic is physically gone.
You sound strong, sure and healthy. Keeping the focus on what we can control (and being open to what that truly is!) changes lives.
I used to "think" I could help or control many aspects of the ill person I love. I can't. No matter how good my intentions might be, with alcoholism it simply creates more havoc.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Your post gave me chills.
I can hear the conviction in your writing, I hear your confidence,
I hear you knowing the truth of your own abilities and the truth
of your life and your kids going forward.
It is sad and difficult to see addiction consume a person's life,
but you and your kids will be alright!!
I can hear the conviction in your writing, I hear your confidence,
I hear you knowing the truth of your own abilities and the truth
of your life and your kids going forward.
It is sad and difficult to see addiction consume a person's life,
but you and your kids will be alright!!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Thank you for your post.
I too can hear your conviction.
Just keep going as you are.
The way you are is amazing and strong.
I am a single mum too.
My child is the first priority in my life.
No-one or anything means more to me than my daughter.
We are going through tough, tough times but I will not give up or be threatened either.
At the moment the only thing I look forward to is falling asleep with my daughter at night.
I wish you the best xx
I too can hear your conviction.
Just keep going as you are.
The way you are is amazing and strong.
I am a single mum too.
My child is the first priority in my life.
No-one or anything means more to me than my daughter.
We are going through tough, tough times but I will not give up or be threatened either.
At the moment the only thing I look forward to is falling asleep with my daughter at night.
I wish you the best xx
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
The drunken rants yikes. But in some respects that's a accurate picture of where they stand. I see where a lot think alcoholics are angry people as a whole. I've seen pathetic sad drunks but the rants. I just use them for verification and intelligence. It is something that one should NOT have to endure.
I wish were some tricks or techniques other than walking away or ignore that could throw them off their game so to speak. Sometimes I can get them with blunt honesty or a simple counter argument because the fact that you responded can take them off guard. Just need something to trip them up.
STAY SAFE!
I wish were some tricks or techniques other than walking away or ignore that could throw them off their game so to speak. Sometimes I can get them with blunt honesty or a simple counter argument because the fact that you responded can take them off guard. Just need something to trip them up.
STAY SAFE!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Thank you for the warm responses. I strangely feel at peace but I also can’t help feel some pain for my kids. I can’t imagine what it is like for a parent to not want to see me. But nonetheless I will continue to try to fill in both roles. I’m looking forward to the New Year and planning new adventures for my kids : )
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by Mango212 
Being a single parent is something many of us experience long before the alcoholic is physically gone.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
MB,
Look how far you have come!! So proud of you!!
Have you thought at all about the kids seeking an alateen meeting or family therapy? I am not sure how old they are, but since Daddy-O is continually calling drunk and being abusive, they might need some support.
Keep up the good work!
Look how far you have come!! So proud of you!!
Have you thought at all about the kids seeking an alateen meeting or family therapy? I am not sure how old they are, but since Daddy-O is continually calling drunk and being abusive, they might need some support.
Keep up the good work!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by oddsunflower
This. This is how the past 20 years have been. I have single parented for four kids and never missed a beat. He was "there" but never there...not for meetings, doctors appointments, emergencies, fun times...teachers would never have known who he was if he had tried to pick our kids up from school....hell, sometimes I wonder what the kids would have done if he had come to get them
I can totally relate. When I was married to A, I did pretty much everything on my own even though we were living in the same house. He contributes very little time to them. I do everything: Pick ups/drop offs to and from school, homework with them, extracurricular activities, doctor/dentists appts, school activities etc
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Originally Posted by maia1234
MB,
Look how far you have come!! So proud of you!!
Have you thought at all about the kids seeking an alateen meeting or family therapy? I am not sure how old they are, but since Daddy-O is continually calling drunk and being abusive, they might need some support.
Keep up the good work!
Look how far you have come!! So proud of you!!
Have you thought at all about the kids seeking an alateen meeting or family therapy? I am not sure how old they are, but since Daddy-O is continually calling drunk and being abusive, they might need some support.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you! I have looked into it. I have talked to my sons about it. They feel hesitant about going. We did a family therapy last year (6 sessions) they hated it. I don’t want I force them if they don’t want too.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Thanks so much for posting this Mamabear. It gives me hope for the many that are struggling to leave an A.
It is a tough and big decision. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you 🙏🏼
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
The last week has been tough:
I am refinancing my house under my name only. As per our divorce judgment, I was awarded the house. Well as apart of the process he has to sign a “quitclaim deed” to transfer all property interest solely to me. I sent him a text about the whole process and what he will need to do. He called drunk of course. I tried explaining to him but it was like talking to a 4 year old. He basically said he wasn’t gonna sign it. I told him it is a court-order that he give me sole property ownership of the house. I told him the judge will force him to sign it or he can be held in contempt. He said “he is not scared.” I ended that phone conversation. I sent a letter in the mail stating that I was refinancing the house and he will need to sign so he can prepare himself and so that he can read that letter when he is sober. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday to see what I can do legally to force him to sign it.
Today:
I received paperwork from child support. He filed a “modification for child support.” *rolling eyes* Ill see how that pans out.
Even though as many of you know, you divorce them you still have to deal with them when kids are involved. I’m praying that everything works out. Thank you all for the kind words and positive support.
I am refinancing my house under my name only. As per our divorce judgment, I was awarded the house. Well as apart of the process he has to sign a “quitclaim deed” to transfer all property interest solely to me. I sent him a text about the whole process and what he will need to do. He called drunk of course. I tried explaining to him but it was like talking to a 4 year old. He basically said he wasn’t gonna sign it. I told him it is a court-order that he give me sole property ownership of the house. I told him the judge will force him to sign it or he can be held in contempt. He said “he is not scared.” I ended that phone conversation. I sent a letter in the mail stating that I was refinancing the house and he will need to sign so he can prepare himself and so that he can read that letter when he is sober. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday to see what I can do legally to force him to sign it.
Today:
I received paperwork from child support. He filed a “modification for child support.” *rolling eyes* Ill see how that pans out.
Even though as many of you know, you divorce them you still have to deal with them when kids are involved. I’m praying that everything works out. Thank you all for the kind words and positive support.
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Funny how he can handle the technicalities of child support modification but not the quitclaim deed. You didn't have to explain the former to him in words suited to a 4 year old.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Funny how he can handle the technicalities of child support modification but not the quitclaim deed. You didn't have to explain the former to him in words suited to a 4 year old.
I didn’t think about it that way but very true haha
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mammabear...this is a true story.....
Once, a neighbor was having a loud argument with a family member, out in their back yard......and this guy was drinking.....
the family member told him to "stop yelling because someone might call the cops"...….He loudly proclaimed "I am not afraid of the cops!"......then, he said..."I will prove that I am not afraid".....He, then, proceeded to take out his cellphone and call the police.....on himself!!!.....
The police showed up...and, spent considerable time talking to the two parties.....
Ultimately, the police handcuffed h im...and, started leading him to the waiting squad car.....he yelled back to his family member----"See, I told you I am not afraid of the cops!".....
Moral of this story--------Drunkeness leads to bad decision making.....
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Originally Posted by mamabear26
I can totally relate. When I was married to A, I did pretty much everything on my own even though we were living in the same house. He contributes very little time to them. I do everything: Pick ups/drop offs to and from school, homework with them, extracurricular activities, doctor/dentists appts, school activities etc
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by dandylion
mammabear...this is a true story.....
Once, a neighbor was having a loud argument with a family member, out in their back yard......and this guy was drinking.....
the family member told him to "stop yelling because someone might call the cops"...….He loudly proclaimed "I am not afraid of the cops!"......then, he said..."I will prove that I am not afraid".....He, then, proceeded to take out his cellphone and call the police.....on himself!!!.....
The police showed up...and, spent considerable time talking to the two parties.....
Ultimately, the police handcuffed h im...and, started leading him to the waiting squad car.....he yelled back to his family member----"See, I told you I am not afraid of the cops!".....
Moral of this story--------Drunkeness leads to bad decision making.....
oh wow lol I can definitely see my ex doing something like that haha
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