You know what sucks?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
You know what sucks?
The fact that my AH is on a date tonight. Taking her to our favorite Ramen place, and to the cinema. How am I meant to react to this? One minute he was meant to "love me", and the next he IS actually dating someone else. It's been not even 2 week, I think?
I feel both hurt and set free by this...
Do I say anything? Do I leave it? Is there any point if I did mention that I know about this? Probably wont be sleeping much tonight
I feel both hurt and set free by this...
Do I say anything? Do I leave it? Is there any point if I did mention that I know about this? Probably wont be sleeping much tonight
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
He is being controlled by addiction, he doesn't have to feel the feelings like you do, he just drinks.
How do you know?
Anyway, I guess to answer your question with a question, if you did tell him you knew, what would you expect from that and what do you expect his reply would be?
How do you know?
Anyway, I guess to answer your question with a question, if you did tell him you knew, what would you expect from that and what do you expect his reply would be?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
I looked at our bank account and he is spending 100 on dinner then the cost of 2 tickets for the cinema. I know it's a girl because he doesn't really have any friends.
If I told him i knew I'd probably just be looking for a reaction of some kind. One that said he was sorry, or that he is hurting, or something other than coldness. It wouldn't benefit me in any way.
If I told him i knew I'd probably just be looking for a reaction of some kind. One that said he was sorry, or that he is hurting, or something other than coldness. It wouldn't benefit me in any way.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Yep...codies mourn, addicts replace.
It hurts like hell and I’m really sad you’re going through this. But maybe try to view it as another major piece of truth that you’re way too good for that situation, yes?
He may also be trying unconsciously (or consciously) to triangulate you and this poor new woman. He wouldn’t be the first to set up a situation where he can run back and forth between the two of you and keep you focused on each other and not on his rotten behavior.
Don’t let him know you know...it’s just going to confirm to him that you’re still hooked into him.
Turn your face to the sun, hold your head high and sail on. He was just a pothole in the road and I promise someday you’ll look back and be glad he’s out of your life.
It hurts like hell and I’m really sad you’re going through this. But maybe try to view it as another major piece of truth that you’re way too good for that situation, yes?
He may also be trying unconsciously (or consciously) to triangulate you and this poor new woman. He wouldn’t be the first to set up a situation where he can run back and forth between the two of you and keep you focused on each other and not on his rotten behavior.
Don’t let him know you know...it’s just going to confirm to him that you’re still hooked into him.
Turn your face to the sun, hold your head high and sail on. He was just a pothole in the road and I promise someday you’ll look back and be glad he’s out of your life.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Can you try instead to focus on how to extricate yourself from the logistical stuff as soon as possible? He doesn’t get to spend money of a joint account on a new “interest.” At least half that is no doubt yours.
Can you call a women’s shelter and ask if they have some free or low-cost legal help that could help you divorce this guy?
Can you call a women’s shelter and ask if they have some free or low-cost legal help that could help you divorce this guy?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
The whole thing is hurtful, he marches out, calls you a few days ago proclaiming his "love" now he's out on a date.
Is that the man you want to be around? You deserve to be treated so much better than that. There are good men in this world, ones who won't walk out on you, who will discuss your relationship and work on it, who will listen to you and you will do all of that for them as well.
I agree with Aries, if you do tell him then you are setting yourself up. Even if he is guilty at all, it won't undo it and if he's not, if he defends himself somehow he will probably just say something to hurt you, it's really not in your best interests perhaps?
I also agree that contacting the women's shelter so they can direct you to legal services is a great idea.
You know how you said you felt a bit "free", go with that. Yes, it hurts too, but that feeling of being freed, I hope you won't ignore that.
Is that the man you want to be around? You deserve to be treated so much better than that. There are good men in this world, ones who won't walk out on you, who will discuss your relationship and work on it, who will listen to you and you will do all of that for them as well.
I agree with Aries, if you do tell him then you are setting yourself up. Even if he is guilty at all, it won't undo it and if he's not, if he defends himself somehow he will probably just say something to hurt you, it's really not in your best interests perhaps?
I also agree that contacting the women's shelter so they can direct you to legal services is a great idea.
You know how you said you felt a bit "free", go with that. Yes, it hurts too, but that feeling of being freed, I hope you won't ignore that.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Erza,
I'm really sorry that your are having to deal with this. He is an alcoholic and you don't like him drinking so he has found someone who will. The other women probably doesn't even know she is out on a date with someone who cares more about alcohol then her. If you told him you knew, he would just turn it into an argument, you would not get an apology, and it would just give him an excuse to go out an drink some more. Alcoholics tend to not to want to apologize for anything they have done. they manipulate the situation to where you almost feel you have to apologize or feel sorry for even asking them in the first place. They seem to be really good at that it seems.
I hope you are trying to making plans to protect yourself and your daughter. Just make sure you two are safe. I hope you get relief from this situation soon. It sounds like it is draining you. Try and be strong and not let him get the best of you. Know that you are a good person and you will make it through this. Sending you strength and happiness from afar.
I'm really sorry that your are having to deal with this. He is an alcoholic and you don't like him drinking so he has found someone who will. The other women probably doesn't even know she is out on a date with someone who cares more about alcohol then her. If you told him you knew, he would just turn it into an argument, you would not get an apology, and it would just give him an excuse to go out an drink some more. Alcoholics tend to not to want to apologize for anything they have done. they manipulate the situation to where you almost feel you have to apologize or feel sorry for even asking them in the first place. They seem to be really good at that it seems.
I hope you are trying to making plans to protect yourself and your daughter. Just make sure you two are safe. I hope you get relief from this situation soon. It sounds like it is draining you. Try and be strong and not let him get the best of you. Know that you are a good person and you will make it through this. Sending you strength and happiness from afar.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I'm so sorry. I can empathize. I remember the night I found out my live-in BF was out with someone else.
He's surrounding himself with folks who'll reinforce his world view (that his drinking is normal)
He's surrounding himself with folks who'll reinforce his world view (that his drinking is normal)
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Erza,
Yes it is horrible and so painful. This is just another sign that he has issues, and cannot be trusted. Next time he tells you he misses you and loves you, remember the $100.00 date. We need these little reminders of why we are leaving the addict.
I don't really think confronting him over it will get you anywhere. He will be happy that you saw that he is "moving on". Act like you never saw it. My addict would much rather have spend 100.00 on booze then food and a movie, this will get old. He's only trying to hurt you, press ignore.
I read on this forum a long time ago that the process is slow and painful, so we learn from it, and never get into this situation again.
Do something kind for yourself, you deserve it. Hugs!
Yes it is horrible and so painful. This is just another sign that he has issues, and cannot be trusted. Next time he tells you he misses you and loves you, remember the $100.00 date. We need these little reminders of why we are leaving the addict.
I don't really think confronting him over it will get you anywhere. He will be happy that you saw that he is "moving on". Act like you never saw it. My addict would much rather have spend 100.00 on booze then food and a movie, this will get old. He's only trying to hurt you, press ignore.
I read on this forum a long time ago that the process is slow and painful, so we learn from it, and never get into this situation again.
Do something kind for yourself, you deserve it. Hugs!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sorry Erza, I know it's a blow because I remember the time my ex first went out with another woman, and my reaction was surprising to me, and way over the top. Funnily enough that first reaction was all there was, I got over it quickly, he went out with many more women and I never felt that bad again. I'm currently very friendly with the woman he eventually married (he's not an A).
Many men want to prove their attractiveness by dating. If this woman has any self esteem she'll eventually work things out.
I hope this first cut is the deepest and you quickly adjust. I agree with the others that separating your finances is essential now, as well as making sure you're don't stay on any joint financial ventures like loans.
Many men want to prove their attractiveness by dating. If this woman has any self esteem she'll eventually work things out.
I hope this first cut is the deepest and you quickly adjust. I agree with the others that separating your finances is essential now, as well as making sure you're don't stay on any joint financial ventures like loans.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
Thanks everyone.
I actually wrote this message and kinda thought on it for a few minutes then slept like a log. He's cheated multiple times in the past, and my mind is set to us being over so it really isnt bothering me as much as I thought it would. I'm laughing about it, even, this morning.
I spoke to my mom again and she agreed to help me file so I will be looking into it next week. I've done some odd writing jobs here and there and I'm putting money away. The lease here ends end of march and I'm hoping to leave.
I am very strong. I will overcome this mountain in my life. I know it.
I actually wrote this message and kinda thought on it for a few minutes then slept like a log. He's cheated multiple times in the past, and my mind is set to us being over so it really isnt bothering me as much as I thought it would. I'm laughing about it, even, this morning.
I spoke to my mom again and she agreed to help me file so I will be looking into it next week. I've done some odd writing jobs here and there and I'm putting money away. The lease here ends end of march and I'm hoping to leave.
I am very strong. I will overcome this mountain in my life. I know it.
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