Day one of separation. He drink tonight. I am sad. But not surprised.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Day one of separation. He drink tonight. I am sad. But not surprised.
He sent me a text on my 5 Hour Drive telling me it was only 146 days until I was going to be back. I am not sure what he’s basing that on, but he was saying I should not be sad and we will get through this.
I had some budding hope because he has not drank since the Christmas party, 15 days. But he called me while I was at dinner with my family and I just called him back and I could tell that he had had something to drink. He said yes he had had one beer and that he was sorry. One beer? Does one beer make you speak intentionally, make it obvious to me that he has been drinking? He is a 300 pound man. It’s clearly more. I feel like a fool. I thought maybe he would go more than a day.
I do not know where he came up with a number of days countdown, I have no intention of going back until he has had at least six months of no drinking. Maybe that will never happen. And in the meantime I am going to work on myself. But I am still sad.
I had some budding hope because he has not drank since the Christmas party, 15 days. But he called me while I was at dinner with my family and I just called him back and I could tell that he had had something to drink. He said yes he had had one beer and that he was sorry. One beer? Does one beer make you speak intentionally, make it obvious to me that he has been drinking? He is a 300 pound man. It’s clearly more. I feel like a fool. I thought maybe he would go more than a day.
I do not know where he came up with a number of days countdown, I have no intention of going back until he has had at least six months of no drinking. Maybe that will never happen. And in the meantime I am going to work on myself. But I am still sad.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Maybe he thinks you aren't counting the xmas party?
I'm sure in his mind he thinks it's ok to take a "few" days to drink and then get really "serious" about quitting.
Regardless, I'm sorry this was the result FWN, I know it's not the way you hoped it would go but of course, have to be prepared for.
I'm really sorry you are feeling sad.
I'm sure in his mind he thinks it's ok to take a "few" days to drink and then get really "serious" about quitting.
Regardless, I'm sorry this was the result FWN, I know it's not the way you hoped it would go but of course, have to be prepared for.
I'm really sorry you are feeling sad.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I'm so sorry FWN.
Days of countdown are irrelevant.
This is what alcoholics do- they drink. He really can't believe
this is happening I would bet. But in the best case scenario,
his denial will lift in a brief moment of clarity and he will
sincerely act on it. For the last several years though, he has shown no
action of meaning towards that, so best to focus on you and
your kids having some peace and sanity in your lives. Alanon,
therapy, your higher power, SR, educating yourself about the
family disease of alcoholism, family & friends who really
understand & support you -these will carry you now.
((((hugs))))
Days of countdown are irrelevant.
This is what alcoholics do- they drink. He really can't believe
this is happening I would bet. But in the best case scenario,
his denial will lift in a brief moment of clarity and he will
sincerely act on it. For the last several years though, he has shown no
action of meaning towards that, so best to focus on you and
your kids having some peace and sanity in your lives. Alanon,
therapy, your higher power, SR, educating yourself about the
family disease of alcoholism, family & friends who really
understand & support you -these will carry you now.
((((hugs))))
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
That's terribly disappointing for you FWN, because he did manage to string together a couple of weeks. Speaking from experience, alcohol cravings do come and go when you're giving up drinking, but if you're absolutely determined to remain sober you're able to resist them by a range of strategies. He wasn't fortified by that sort of strength so he gave in almost as soon as you left.
At least this gives you some guidance about the future. We all know that As have to stop drinking altogether; they can't moderate because they just keep feeding the cravings. And the lying has started right away with his 'one beer'. I'm sorry because you did have some hope there.
At least this gives you some guidance about the future. We all know that As have to stop drinking altogether; they can't moderate because they just keep feeding the cravings. And the lying has started right away with his 'one beer'. I'm sorry because you did have some hope there.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
I have asked God many times today fo please show me a sign, any sign, that I am doing the right thing here and I guess this is as clear a sign as any.
At breakfast this morning with him I told him I know I should not say this out loud but I will, and that that first time I said I was going to leave a few weeks ago and I changed my mind, all he had to do was take action, do something anything to show me he was serious about changing. And instead he insisted he had to drink at the Christmas party. He told me this morning that he would’ve never done that had he known this would happen. Whatever. More of the same. I know that if I would’ve stayed I would be stuck in this endless cycle going crazier and crazier.
At breakfast this morning with him I told him I know I should not say this out loud but I will, and that that first time I said I was going to leave a few weeks ago and I changed my mind, all he had to do was take action, do something anything to show me he was serious about changing. And instead he insisted he had to drink at the Christmas party. He told me this morning that he would’ve never done that had he known this would happen. Whatever. More of the same. I know that if I would’ve stayed I would be stuck in this endless cycle going crazier and crazier.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Yes and while the progression might be slow, it's picking up speed, perhaps that was the catalyst.
What you said at breakfast this morning could apply to today, it is what you have said over the last several years, but he is not interested in stopping drinking.
At least not right now.
I hope he does have that moment of clarity.
I know you are very hurt, of course, but you won't always feel this way, you will feel better. You are going to have help sorting this out. You have your family and friends, you will have Al Anon and of course you have us.
What you said at breakfast this morning could apply to today, it is what you have said over the last several years, but he is not interested in stopping drinking.
At least not right now.
I hope he does have that moment of clarity.
I know you are very hurt, of course, but you won't always feel this way, you will feel better. You are going to have help sorting this out. You have your family and friends, you will have Al Anon and of course you have us.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
FWN,
I'm sorry for you sadness. If you could tell over the phone his speech was impaired he had more then one drink. Even if it was only one drink, that means his countdown has restarted and he has 183 days left (leap year this year so he has one extra day). He might of been able to pull out a moment of sobriety right before Christmas, but he has shown you that he still craves that next drink and will say anything to you to get it. You told him you would leave if he drank again and he insisted he had to drink at the christmas party. Then he tries and states if i only knew this would happen i wouldn't of. That is a lot of quaking.
I'm glad you are seeing the crazy for what it is and have separated yourself from his lies and drunkenness. I know it can be hard and a lot of sadness going through your life right now. Just know we are here for you. Keep being strong and have a good tomorrow.
I'm sorry for you sadness. If you could tell over the phone his speech was impaired he had more then one drink. Even if it was only one drink, that means his countdown has restarted and he has 183 days left (leap year this year so he has one extra day). He might of been able to pull out a moment of sobriety right before Christmas, but he has shown you that he still craves that next drink and will say anything to you to get it. You told him you would leave if he drank again and he insisted he had to drink at the christmas party. Then he tries and states if i only knew this would happen i wouldn't of. That is a lot of quaking.
I'm glad you are seeing the crazy for what it is and have separated yourself from his lies and drunkenness. I know it can be hard and a lot of sadness going through your life right now. Just know we are here for you. Keep being strong and have a good tomorrow.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FWN,
I am sorry for what you are going through. I was very angry at God for a very long time, for not "helping" me get my axh sober. But what I failed to realize is that it was not my responsibility for me to "get" my husband sober. Once I accepted the fact that God created my husband, to be the exact person he was, my life changed. Acceptance is what I finally called it.
Why was it my right to say that he is wrong being a drunk? I knew in my mind that I was correct and he was wrong, and I fought for 34 years to make him understand my point of view. I finally realized that God doesn't make mistakes, he is who he was supposed to be, an alcoholic. I might not like it, but who am I to force someone to change and become the person I want them to be.
Once I finally accepted this, my life changed. I stopped fighting, and being so angry at him, and God and at the unfair life I was given. I was not in control of anyone besides myself, and self care was what I needed. I hadn't thought about myself for a very long time. All I was doing was putting out fires and trying to survive.
It is ok to let our addicts go, hopefully by doing so they find sobriety, but most times they don't. Step back, look in the mirror and start taking care of you. Hugs!!
I am sorry for what you are going through. I was very angry at God for a very long time, for not "helping" me get my axh sober. But what I failed to realize is that it was not my responsibility for me to "get" my husband sober. Once I accepted the fact that God created my husband, to be the exact person he was, my life changed. Acceptance is what I finally called it.
Why was it my right to say that he is wrong being a drunk? I knew in my mind that I was correct and he was wrong, and I fought for 34 years to make him understand my point of view. I finally realized that God doesn't make mistakes, he is who he was supposed to be, an alcoholic. I might not like it, but who am I to force someone to change and become the person I want them to be.
Once I finally accepted this, my life changed. I stopped fighting, and being so angry at him, and God and at the unfair life I was given. I was not in control of anyone besides myself, and self care was what I needed. I hadn't thought about myself for a very long time. All I was doing was putting out fires and trying to survive.
It is ok to let our addicts go, hopefully by doing so they find sobriety, but most times they don't. Step back, look in the mirror and start taking care of you. Hugs!!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi, FWN, I’ve been following your story and my 2 cents is your AH has all the rainbows and unicorns in his eyes that he WILL fix this... sometime in the future... but just not right now - hence the giving himself permission to drink at the Christmas party and being totally open about it. But hey, he MADE UP FOR THAT afterward thinking “I’ll show her” and refrained from drinking up to the day you left while being quite cheery and upbeat about it all because in his mind it was just a countdown to the day he could start drinking again. The day you left was actually his payday. Of course it was only ONE drink, too (hahaha). I’m sorry, but now that you’re apart, you can expect a lot more of the same... him drinking to his heart’s desire, lying about it, and making you feel bad/crazy. You speak of giving it 6 months of separation... what does he have to do or change in 6 months? Him telling you he’s not drinking? Or him PROVING to you in actions something has changed? Also, I’ve heard one should make it at least a year or 2 to make sure there are true changes, not just superficial short-term ones for the addict to get what they want.
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FWN......of course you are sad.....no one, here, expects you not to be. You have been holding on for years to hope....Still...to this very day....clinging to shreads of hope....
I hope that you will make a new "friend"...that serves you better than your old friend--"Hope"......That new and much better friend will be called "Reality".
FWN ...I hope that you will hang onto reality very tightly, from now on.
Reality will guide you....
As for your h usband...every time that man opens his mouth, he demonstrates that he doesn't have a clue...!!!!
I hope that you will make a new "friend"...that serves you better than your old friend--"Hope"......That new and much better friend will be called "Reality".
FWN ...I hope that you will hang onto reality very tightly, from now on.
Reality will guide you....
As for your h usband...every time that man opens his mouth, he demonstrates that he doesn't have a clue...!!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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FWN, I know you are a smart and practical woman. Are you legally separating from your husband?
I feel like I’m always the harbinger of doom, but now that your husband is free to drink as much as he wants and is in your home, being legally protected from liability for whatever drinking debts he racks up, damage he may cause, or costs from another DUI is worth pursuing.
He wouldn’t be the first guy to find himself a new bar “friend” and move on without thinking about anything other than himself.
Protect yourself and your kids, yes? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
I feel like I’m always the harbinger of doom, but now that your husband is free to drink as much as he wants and is in your home, being legally protected from liability for whatever drinking debts he racks up, damage he may cause, or costs from another DUI is worth pursuing.
He wouldn’t be the first guy to find himself a new bar “friend” and move on without thinking about anything other than himself.
Protect yourself and your kids, yes? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Here's a suggestion FWN, if you want a countdown, a different
one. Maybe for the next 60 days, you do not bring up drinking
one single time - like it, and issues around it are non-existent.
When he sounds drunk, make a vague excuse and hang up.
You don't have to tell him you will do this, just do it everytime.
Or you may want to state a boundary to him that you will
not speak to him if you feel uncomfortable. You have control
over these things and a right to create a peaceful, sane
environment in your life.
This is one way to "detach" from the alcoholic.
one. Maybe for the next 60 days, you do not bring up drinking
one single time - like it, and issues around it are non-existent.
When he sounds drunk, make a vague excuse and hang up.
You don't have to tell him you will do this, just do it everytime.
Or you may want to state a boundary to him that you will
not speak to him if you feel uncomfortable. You have control
over these things and a right to create a peaceful, sane
environment in your life.
This is one way to "detach" from the alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by mylifeismine 
Here's a suggestion FWN, if you want a countdown, a different
one. Maybe for the next 60 days, you do not bring up drinking
one single time - like it, and issues around it are non-existent.
When he sounds drunk, make a vague excuse and hang up.
You don't have to tell him you will do this, just do it everytime.
Or you may want to state a boundary to him that you will
not speak to him if you feel uncomfortable. You have control
over these things and a right to create a peaceful, sane
environment in your life.
This is one way to "detach" from the alcoholic.
one. Maybe for the next 60 days, you do not bring up drinking
one single time - like it, and issues around it are non-existent.
When he sounds drunk, make a vague excuse and hang up.
You don't have to tell him you will do this, just do it everytime.
Or you may want to state a boundary to him that you will
not speak to him if you feel uncomfortable. You have control
over these things and a right to create a peaceful, sane
environment in your life.
This is one way to "detach" from the alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Legal separation is not a thing where I live. He has the breathalyzer in his car until at least the end of February, that also played into my decision. I at least know that he is not drinking and driving right now. I plan to you continue to watch his behavior and think more seriously about our long-term relationship sometime in February. If I am not seeing signs of recovery or at least interest in recovery then I will probably seriously consider divorce.
He has never been a person who is open to talking about not drinking anymore, never been a person who could even imagine the thought of it. Never been a person who cannot bring up drinking or joking about drinking or something about alcohol in general, those are the things that tell me he has not looked into recovery. While he got rid of the liquor, of course we still have plenty of beer in the house… Things like that. I love him, but I cannot wait forever.
He sent me a photo of him walking our dog when he woke up, saying this is how he was starting his day one. Time will tell. I have not talk to him today.
He has never been a person who is open to talking about not drinking anymore, never been a person who could even imagine the thought of it. Never been a person who cannot bring up drinking or joking about drinking or something about alcohol in general, those are the things that tell me he has not looked into recovery. While he got rid of the liquor, of course we still have plenty of beer in the house… Things like that. I love him, but I cannot wait forever.
He sent me a photo of him walking our dog when he woke up, saying this is how he was starting his day one. Time will tell. I have not talk to him today.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
That's a positive sign there, maybe he is starting to 'want to stop'
Which is of course a fair distance from actually doing it, but that's how it starts.
Whether or not he can do it by himself remains to be seen.
Meantime it would help you immensely to research and read up on how to detach from having your own happiness tied to his journey.
A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson is a masterpiece IMO and if you are already inclined towards prayer, it'll suit you to a tee.
Which is of course a fair distance from actually doing it, but that's how it starts.
Whether or not he can do it by himself remains to be seen.
Meantime it would help you immensely to research and read up on how to detach from having your own happiness tied to his journey.
A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson is a masterpiece IMO and if you are already inclined towards prayer, it'll suit you to a tee.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
He has the breathalyzer in his car until at least the end of February, that also played into my decision.
I wouldn't solely rely on the existence of a breathalyzer to determine whether or not he's drinking, although if he does blow positive, and you have access to the data, I would suspect that tips the scales for you.
I
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