Just when I think I've got this, I don't
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 25
Just when I think I've got this, I don't
The last 24 hours have been tough. I told him I'm filing for divorce and he feels blindsided. He thinks our marriage is great. He thinks my unhappiness is all side effects from my medications (I have several chronic conditions). Threw the guilt at me - I said this marriage was forever and we would work through any problems. Promises to do anything I ask of him now. Why now? Why not 2 years ago when I asked him to get help and go to marriage counselling? Why wait until I'm broken and an emotional wreck? When I'm standing there looking at him, and he seems so sincere, my heart breaks.
So what now? I think my plan is to still file, but tell him he can try to work on things in the meantime. It takes 6 months to be final in my state, so I don't want to waste another 2 years "waiting" for something that never happens.
So what now? I think my plan is to still file, but tell him he can try to work on things in the meantime. It takes 6 months to be final in my state, so I don't want to waste another 2 years "waiting" for something that never happens.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
You’re in a really tough, tough situation. If it were me and I had worked up the courage to file, I would go ahead and file and tell him we would work on things during the proceedings. That way he knows you’re serious and he can either take you seriously and work on it or he can not and you are that much closer to getting out.
If it’s one thing I have learned on here it seems like talking never helps anything, the one more chance the one more time the bargaining always end in failure. It is just another tactic for them to get what they want a little longer. It is not fair to you. Do what you need to do for you, and if in the meantime he miraculously turns things around and wonderful, but if not you are taking care of yourself.
If it’s one thing I have learned on here it seems like talking never helps anything, the one more chance the one more time the bargaining always end in failure. It is just another tactic for them to get what they want a little longer. It is not fair to you. Do what you need to do for you, and if in the meantime he miraculously turns things around and wonderful, but if not you are taking care of yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,638
HOW on earth can he feel blindsided?? That just cannot be true, it can't be. Does he have memory issues?
I just went through your other threads. You have told him, you left him a letter to read before you filed, do you have to put a tattoo on his arm or something?
Even then he would probably say that was when he was drunk and he doesn't remember getting the tattoo that says I'm Divorcing You.
Actions not words. So far his actions have shown that he is totally insincere. Pretty much all that has happened so far is he has acted surprised and told you that you aren't going to divorce him.
Well, he doesn't actually get a say. His actions would indicate he is prepared to do, nothing, except talk when you threaten to do something.
I'm sure all this stress adds to your depression and other chronic conditions.
The is certainly a connection between living in a highly stressful environment and depression and anxiety and a host of other things, not just my opinion of course, it's a proven fact.
Bottom line is this divorce has about zero to do with what he wants and needs and is trying to manipulate you in to. He doesn't actually get a say in your decision.
It really is up to you.
I just went through your other threads. You have told him, you left him a letter to read before you filed, do you have to put a tattoo on his arm or something?
Even then he would probably say that was when he was drunk and he doesn't remember getting the tattoo that says I'm Divorcing You.
Actions not words. So far his actions have shown that he is totally insincere. Pretty much all that has happened so far is he has acted surprised and told you that you aren't going to divorce him.
Well, he doesn't actually get a say. His actions would indicate he is prepared to do, nothing, except talk when you threaten to do something.
I'm sure all this stress adds to your depression and other chronic conditions.
The is certainly a connection between living in a highly stressful environment and depression and anxiety and a host of other things, not just my opinion of course, it's a proven fact.
Bottom line is this divorce has about zero to do with what he wants and needs and is trying to manipulate you in to. He doesn't actually get a say in your decision.
It really is up to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I literally sat down w/my XAH in December (after months of saying it), made sure he was sober, and told him I wanted a divorce. He begged and pleaded for met to wait, which I agreed to do until the holidays were over. He continued to spiral and it got nasty, I kicked him out early the next year and told him I would be filing for divorce.
He absolutely could not believe it. He acted like he was so shocked and that I had blindsided him. I definitely had not.
Point being, they will say what you want to hear when they see that the rubber is meeting the road. Sometimes they mean it. Sometimes they are just saying anything at all to try to get things not to change. Addicts hate change.
Just my two cents.
Big hugs.
He absolutely could not believe it. He acted like he was so shocked and that I had blindsided him. I definitely had not.
Point being, they will say what you want to hear when they see that the rubber is meeting the road. Sometimes they mean it. Sometimes they are just saying anything at all to try to get things not to change. Addicts hate change.
Just my two cents.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
When the day came that me and my AH actually separated he acted the same exact way. He literally said “you were actually serious about this” well duh... what didn’t you understand about the last 98 times I told you? I threatened so many times that he assumed it was just like all the other times. Verbal argument, a few days of silent treatment blah blah blah and we’d be back on our merry dysfunctional way again. 
He may say he’s “blindsided” by you filing for divorce, what he really means is he’s “blindsided” by the fact that you’re actually following thru with it.
He may say he’s “blindsided” by you filing for divorce, what he really means is he’s “blindsided” by the fact that you’re actually following thru with it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
IF he was serious in his "plea" to have a chance to do the right thing, which i believe was yesterday (?), he would have by now done at least ONE of the following:
1) checked his insurance to see what treatment was covered
2) got recommendations or researched treatment facilities
3) made an appointment with his primary care physician
4) looked up the nearest AA meeting
5) have attended one meeting
6) contacted his pastor or spiritual adviser
7) gone thru the house/garage/shed/barn and removed all alcohol and/or drugs stashed
THAT is what a commitment to recovery looks like. ACTIONS not words.
1) checked his insurance to see what treatment was covered
2) got recommendations or researched treatment facilities
3) made an appointment with his primary care physician
4) looked up the nearest AA meeting
5) have attended one meeting
6) contacted his pastor or spiritual adviser
7) gone thru the house/garage/shed/barn and removed all alcohol and/or drugs stashed
THAT is what a commitment to recovery looks like. ACTIONS not words.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
My XAH was similarly “shocked“. Because for every time I told him what was bothering me and what I didn’t think was right, since I never ended the conversation with “or I will leave you” he thought it didn’t count as giving him notice. Because until there were some consequences for him, I guess it didn’t matter that I was miserable?
Anyway, you are getting a lot of responses at all saying the same thing – we have all heard this. He could’ve given him a written, countersigned warning notice and he wound probably say the same thing. If you were done, you get to be done, even if he thinks you should have hired a skywriter in advance to let him know it was coming. We’ve all felt guilty where you are at, I think, but you really don’t have to. You get to choose your life.
Anyway, you are getting a lot of responses at all saying the same thing – we have all heard this. He could’ve given him a written, countersigned warning notice and he wound probably say the same thing. If you were done, you get to be done, even if he thinks you should have hired a skywriter in advance to let him know it was coming. We’ve all felt guilty where you are at, I think, but you really don’t have to. You get to choose your life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
My axh said to me 2 days before we went to court to divorce... are you sure we are making the right decision?
1. He had an affair for almost 2 years
2. Left every weekend to to play with his girl friend
3. Kicked holes and punched holes in my walls
4. Lied to me for 34 year about everything
5. Would come home drunk at night, wake me up to start fighting.
6. I Slept a dozen nights in my car because he wouldn't let me sleep at night
And so on...... They really all the same.....Victims.
I am sorry you are going through this. Keep to your plan. More will be revealed soon enough.
1. He had an affair for almost 2 years
2. Left every weekend to to play with his girl friend
3. Kicked holes and punched holes in my walls
4. Lied to me for 34 year about everything
5. Would come home drunk at night, wake me up to start fighting.
6. I Slept a dozen nights in my car because he wouldn't let me sleep at night
And so on...... They really all the same.....Victims.
I am sorry you are going through this. Keep to your plan. More will be revealed soon enough.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
It's a last ditch attempt to deny any responsibility. My husband too claimed I just "up and left without a word". We had been in marriage counselling for three months with me asking the question in every session "What would it look like if we seperated? How would we physically do it?" And all the sessions were about his drinking and how I could no longer live with it.
Just as it's hard for us to change (by ending the relationship) It's hard for the addict too. My husband did not want to change. He did not want anything to change. The change has been thrust upon him and he feels like a victim. He would have been quite happy to carry on the way things were. As he sees it, I ruined his life.
You know your marriage is not great. If it was, you wouldn't be filing for divorce. Try not to let him confuse you with guilt and promises.
Just as it's hard for us to change (by ending the relationship) It's hard for the addict too. My husband did not want to change. He did not want anything to change. The change has been thrust upon him and he feels like a victim. He would have been quite happy to carry on the way things were. As he sees it, I ruined his life.
You know your marriage is not great. If it was, you wouldn't be filing for divorce. Try not to let him confuse you with guilt and promises.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I don't think you owe him an explanation, just go ahead and file. A fairly typical progression: the active alcoholic will fight like crazy to hang on to their enablers. When the b.s. no longer works they will quickly find a new enabler.
It is nearly impossible for a non-alcoholic to understand the mindset of an active alcoholic. Rational thinking is a thing of the past, this person is no longer capable of having a healthy relationship. To say their thinking is distorted is an understatement which is why they seem incapable of realizing their own part of the dissolution of a marriage.
A very big hug!
It is nearly impossible for a non-alcoholic to understand the mindset of an active alcoholic. Rational thinking is a thing of the past, this person is no longer capable of having a healthy relationship. To say their thinking is distorted is an understatement which is why they seem incapable of realizing their own part of the dissolution of a marriage.
A very big hug!
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