Drank yesterday-feeling low
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 2
Drank yesterday-feeling low
I had 2 years of sobriety a year ago, then full blown relapse. Went back to treatment, then another relapse for 3 months. I started going to AA and had 43 days, but drank yesterday. I know this doesn’t mean I will give up. I’ve come too far to throw in the towel. The thing is, I don’t know why I drank. I’m not overly stressed. The holidays were good. I even chaired my first AA meeting yesterday. Then that afternoon I knowingly went to the store and bought alcohol.
I feel guilt and shame. I don’t have a sponsor right now. I also don’t want to be alone right now, but don’t have anyone to be with.
Any advice for moving forward would be great.
Frenchton
I feel guilt and shame. I don’t have a sponsor right now. I also don’t want to be alone right now, but don’t have anyone to be with.
Any advice for moving forward would be great.
Frenchton
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Frenchton 
[left] The thing is, I don’t know why I drank.
Regarding your question above - can you honestly say you don't know why you drank? Most of us here are alcoholics and while we may never know "why" we are alcoholics - we do understand that drinking is never a logical decision for us. We can't out-think our addiction, so we have accept it and also accept that drinking any amount of alcohol, even a sip, is not an option. And when we forget we need to call on our support to remind us of that - whether that's via calling someone in AA, getting a sponsor, or maybe coming here and talking through it virtually. In any case, there are many choices along the way that you control when it comes to drinking - you have to travel to get it, have money to buy it, go through the act of purchasing it, and then drink it. Lots of places along the way to disrupt the irrational thought chain.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
You drank because you are an alcoholic, period. Advice? Go back to AA and get your newbie chip again. Admit you failed. Get a sponsor and work the steps with them. Call them when you feel like drinking. Post here daily.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Yeah, I think, in my mind, I would decide to have a drink. Then I would compulsively go to buy alcohol and drink it. I say 'compulsively' because I had shut my brain off at that point. I needed to accept that alcohol was not an option, ever, and then I could stop myself before my mind urged me to drink.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 207
Originally Posted by cantsleep123
You drank because you are an alcoholic, period. Advice? Go back to AA and get your newbie chip again. Admit you failed. Get a sponsor and work the steps with them. Call them when you feel like drinking. Post here daily.
I have not been to AA and don't know the drill. But is it correct that someone with 2 years of sobriety in their history and another 43 days recently would be considered a "newbie?" Does that history of not drinking not count for anything?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Support and understanding sent your way.
The shame and guilt will eventually leave when
you begin building your recovery foundation
once again incorporating tools and knowledge
of addiction and your recovery program moving
forward.
29 yrs ago i began my recovery journey in a rehab
facility where I admitted and accepted that I was
an alcoholic and needed help. I took what was taught
to me about my addiction and a program of recovery,
AA, and held on tight to all my recovery lifelines
as my life depended on it and have never let go
of them.
Over the yrs living my sober life, I joined SR and
continue to use this lifeline today to share what
was so freely passed on to me to others in recovery.
I have also learned a lot from other folks who
continue use SR to learn and remain sober using
other tools available to them. Using what you
have learned so far and build upon it by showing
up here and becoming responsible for your own
recovery program and life.
You never have to go thru this process alone or
by yourself. Always ask for suggestion to help
in any and all situations in life if needed. Stay
connected and come here or a meeting before
you run for the store to buy poison.
We are here for you with every step you take
in achieving a healthy, happy, honest way of life
like so many of us have done already.
Stay strong and responsible moving forward.
The shame and guilt will eventually leave when
you begin building your recovery foundation
once again incorporating tools and knowledge
of addiction and your recovery program moving
forward.
29 yrs ago i began my recovery journey in a rehab
facility where I admitted and accepted that I was
an alcoholic and needed help. I took what was taught
to me about my addiction and a program of recovery,
AA, and held on tight to all my recovery lifelines
as my life depended on it and have never let go
of them.
Over the yrs living my sober life, I joined SR and
continue to use this lifeline today to share what
was so freely passed on to me to others in recovery.
I have also learned a lot from other folks who
continue use SR to learn and remain sober using
other tools available to them. Using what you
have learned so far and build upon it by showing
up here and becoming responsible for your own
recovery program and life.
You never have to go thru this process alone or
by yourself. Always ask for suggestion to help
in any and all situations in life if needed. Stay
connected and come here or a meeting before
you run for the store to buy poison.
We are here for you with every step you take
in achieving a healthy, happy, honest way of life
like so many of us have done already.
Stay strong and responsible moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by LilyLady1
I have not been to AA and don't know the drill. But is it correct that someone with 2 years of sobriety in their history and another 43 days recently would be considered a "newbie?" Does that history of not drinking not count for anything?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Welcome to SR! This is a great site for support. You should join the January 2020 class, you’ll meet a great group of people either committing or recommitting to sobriety. The 24 hour thread is another great one to check in with daily.
What did you do during your two years of sobriety that was successful? Maybe think back to what happened when you started drinking again, and one or two new supports you can add. SR can definitely be one of them.
Looking forward to seeing you on here!
What did you do during your two years of sobriety that was successful? Maybe think back to what happened when you started drinking again, and one or two new supports you can add. SR can definitely be one of them.
Looking forward to seeing you on here!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
That happened to me.
Doing 5-6 meetings a week and then one afternoon, finished the meeting, got in the car and drove to the bottle store.
Meetings are not the actual treatment for alcoholism. The steps are and that's the mistake I made and part of the well meaning but ultimately bad advice I had received.
"Meeting makers make it"
"Just keep coming back"
"Don't worry about the steps yet"
But sometimes another drink is precisely what is needed to spur us into the next phase of recovery and that was it in my case.
After that I fortunately talked to another guy in AA who'd had exactly that experience too, he advised me to bail on that mediocre group I was going to, get along to a big book study and get someone to sponsor me through the steps.
Wow, what a difference between just attending meetings and actually taking the 12 steps and living the program of action.
Changed my life, saved my life and coming up on 6 years sober 😎
Doing 5-6 meetings a week and then one afternoon, finished the meeting, got in the car and drove to the bottle store.
Meetings are not the actual treatment for alcoholism. The steps are and that's the mistake I made and part of the well meaning but ultimately bad advice I had received.
"Meeting makers make it"
"Just keep coming back"
"Don't worry about the steps yet"
But sometimes another drink is precisely what is needed to spur us into the next phase of recovery and that was it in my case.
After that I fortunately talked to another guy in AA who'd had exactly that experience too, he advised me to bail on that mediocre group I was going to, get along to a big book study and get someone to sponsor me through the steps.
Wow, what a difference between just attending meetings and actually taking the 12 steps and living the program of action.
Changed my life, saved my life and coming up on 6 years sober 😎
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Thanks for posting Frenchton. I am a true newbie living in Day 44 with over 30 years of drinking, last 10 years really effing insanity. It helps me when people like you post because I don't want to test the theory - can I drink again? Your post and so many others show me that I cannot. I don't drink anymore. With your long-term sober experience, I appreciate you coming on this site and showing people like me the road ahead and some of the obstacles we will all face. If I can get 2 years in like you did, posts like yours will really help me to have prepped and dug in and be ready to avoid the obstacles. Right now just looking forward to Day 45 and feeling this great all of the time. Clear, calm and liberated.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
The deal for me is 3 parts.
Time, suffering, and natural dopamine creation. The first 2 require no effort.
The natural dopamine requires exercise, adventure, and/or kindness. When I push myself in those directions I get a hit of dopamine. I just got a hit typing that. I feel really good right now.
Lifting heavy stuff, cardio etc. bring it on very strong. The dopamine, adrenaline, and endorphin fixes last for hours. When they dissipate, I feel sad etc.
That is how I have been surviving as a non drinker.
As an ex drunk i have permanent brain damage. I will crave for life. From day 1 to my death bed.
Now, most of the time i don't crave, but when I do it hurts like the first time. I craved last night.
I thought, i am feeling so good right now. I could have some booze. Nobody would know, nobody really cares.
But really, I have been having some ptsd or something. I am strong at the gym and sleep well, but I have been having more anxiety while driving etc. again. When I first quit, the anxiety was nearly crippling.
Work and life in general cause me stress. But, I am working to handle it booze free.
I use analysis to beat stress and the crave. Then they go away. That is what every successful ex drunk does.
They use AA/SMART/rehab tools to defeat the crave until it dissipates.
I was very sick when I quit. The sickness didn't show as much when I was drunk or hungover, but after 1 day until now, I had physical and mental damage.
There are still positive changes going on.
Folks in recovery get down on themselves because they cant stay quit. Some people may never be able to fully quit.
They need to just keep trying.
Clean time adds up. 3 clean days then a slip is better than 4 drunk days.
It is a battle to stay clean at times, other times it feels easy.
Suffering, time, and natural dopamine. Those are my go to thoughts when I am craving.
When the Dr. says pull the plug on me, I already know my av is going to say...might as well get drunk.
The company line is, see a Dr. I pretty much hate going to the Dr. for personal reasons. I only go when I absolutely need to.
Please assume everything I say is the world according to D122y. I leave that out because it is assumed.
In closing here.....some might think I say the same things over and over, but if I can throw 1 star fish back into the sea, it mattered to that one.
Thanks for the therapy.
Time, suffering, and natural dopamine creation. The first 2 require no effort.
The natural dopamine requires exercise, adventure, and/or kindness. When I push myself in those directions I get a hit of dopamine. I just got a hit typing that. I feel really good right now.
Lifting heavy stuff, cardio etc. bring it on very strong. The dopamine, adrenaline, and endorphin fixes last for hours. When they dissipate, I feel sad etc.
That is how I have been surviving as a non drinker.
As an ex drunk i have permanent brain damage. I will crave for life. From day 1 to my death bed.
Now, most of the time i don't crave, but when I do it hurts like the first time. I craved last night.
I thought, i am feeling so good right now. I could have some booze. Nobody would know, nobody really cares.
But really, I have been having some ptsd or something. I am strong at the gym and sleep well, but I have been having more anxiety while driving etc. again. When I first quit, the anxiety was nearly crippling.
Work and life in general cause me stress. But, I am working to handle it booze free.
I use analysis to beat stress and the crave. Then they go away. That is what every successful ex drunk does.
They use AA/SMART/rehab tools to defeat the crave until it dissipates.
I was very sick when I quit. The sickness didn't show as much when I was drunk or hungover, but after 1 day until now, I had physical and mental damage.
There are still positive changes going on.
Folks in recovery get down on themselves because they cant stay quit. Some people may never be able to fully quit.
They need to just keep trying.
Clean time adds up. 3 clean days then a slip is better than 4 drunk days.
It is a battle to stay clean at times, other times it feels easy.
Suffering, time, and natural dopamine. Those are my go to thoughts when I am craving.
When the Dr. says pull the plug on me, I already know my av is going to say...might as well get drunk.
The company line is, see a Dr. I pretty much hate going to the Dr. for personal reasons. I only go when I absolutely need to.
Please assume everything I say is the world according to D122y. I leave that out because it is assumed.
In closing here.....some might think I say the same things over and over, but if I can throw 1 star fish back into the sea, it mattered to that one.
Thanks for the therapy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 3,767
Thank you for posting Frenchton. It is similar to my experience. I have had 2 relapses in last 4 years. My longest sober time was 19 months, before that 6 months. I'm back here like you trying to get back on track.
Thank you to Derringer above who calls this process the "next phase in recovery." That hits home and feels encouraging.
I think dealing with the shame of relapse or "failure" (my word), has fed into giving up again. Another excuse. During each relapse I am trying 100 times to get back on track. I know this is not unique to me or addiction. It can feel like any past success is wiped out and each new attempt is just as difficult. How do we get past that? We've done this already!
I've just started reading the thread on this site about Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT) and finding it very helpful. Highly recommend it. (It started in 2011 and is still going strong.) https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post3067313 (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT) Discussion)
Thank you to Derringer above who calls this process the "next phase in recovery." That hits home and feels encouraging.
I think dealing with the shame of relapse or "failure" (my word), has fed into giving up again. Another excuse. During each relapse I am trying 100 times to get back on track. I know this is not unique to me or addiction. It can feel like any past success is wiped out and each new attempt is just as difficult. How do we get past that? We've done this already!
I've just started reading the thread on this site about Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT) and finding it very helpful. Highly recommend it. (It started in 2011 and is still going strong.) https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post3067313 (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT) Discussion)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 2
Thanks for checking in Delilah. I'm doing much better! No cravings so far. I did a lot of reflection yesterday and figured out why I drank. It was actually because something good happened.
I have to watch out for the negative things that happen/challenges, as well as the good stuff.
I got a lot of perspective and am looking at it as an opportunity to learn more about myself and what can cause me to slip.
I just got back from walking my dogs in beautiful weather and a neighbor approached me about how annoying my dogs are and bark ALL the time. I stood up to her and told her that the dog across from me instigates much of the time. Anyway, the first thought in my mind was to go to the liquor store, but then I quickly got my perspective back and had a good laugh.
Thanks again for asking how I am doing. It meant a lot.
Can you share a bit of your story with me?
I have to watch out for the negative things that happen/challenges, as well as the good stuff.
I got a lot of perspective and am looking at it as an opportunity to learn more about myself and what can cause me to slip.
I just got back from walking my dogs in beautiful weather and a neighbor approached me about how annoying my dogs are and bark ALL the time. I stood up to her and told her that the dog across from me instigates much of the time. Anyway, the first thought in my mind was to go to the liquor store, but then I quickly got my perspective back and had a good laugh.
Thanks again for asking how I am doing. It meant a lot.
Can you share a bit of your story with me?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Glad to meet you, Frenchton. I found the encouragement and friendship here a huge relief. No one in my life was dependent on alcohol & they didn't understand why I couldn't just have one or two. Here, we all have similar experiences and it truly helps to be understood.
I never knew why I drank. Almost any emotion resulted in the desire to have a few. Just think how unhealthy that really is for us - stifling our feelings & not dealing with life in a normal way. It feels so good to be free of it.
I never knew why I drank. Almost any emotion resulted in the desire to have a few. Just think how unhealthy that really is for us - stifling our feelings & not dealing with life in a normal way. It feels so good to be free of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
I even chaired my first AA meeting yesterday.
Congratulations on that, that is a good thing.
Drinking after the meeting is not a good thing, I know many people that have done that though. One of the "old timers" that I look up too, did that for the first year and a half of his attending AA.
But as someone said, meeting attendance alone is probably not going to get you sober. Getting a sponsor and working the steps is a critical part of the program.
But don't give up. You have had some decent chunks of sobriety, you just need to keep working at it, and take your sobriety plan to the next level.
By the way, the "old timer"I mentioned that drank after most meetings for the first year and a half of his AA attendance, now has about 27 years of sobriety. He has probably sponsored 200 guys and actually is my sponsor's, sponsor.
Congratulations on that, that is a good thing.
Drinking after the meeting is not a good thing, I know many people that have done that though. One of the "old timers" that I look up too, did that for the first year and a half of his attending AA.
But as someone said, meeting attendance alone is probably not going to get you sober. Getting a sponsor and working the steps is a critical part of the program.
But don't give up. You have had some decent chunks of sobriety, you just need to keep working at it, and take your sobriety plan to the next level.
By the way, the "old timer"I mentioned that drank after most meetings for the first year and a half of his AA attendance, now has about 27 years of sobriety. He has probably sponsored 200 guys and actually is my sponsor's, sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,591
I think use it to strengthen your commitment Frenchton.
I relapsed after 5 years, had a few 12 month stints, etc.
I don't know what kicks to have us 'know'. One time there I was trying to con my self that it was the second drink that did the damage!
Yesterday my granddaughter offered me a sip of her strawberry/alcohol drink, just to taste. She had one all afternoon. My beautiful granddaughter.
I declined even a sip Frenchton, because I (now) 'know' I cannot drink alcohol without really dire consequences. I want to avoid that. The struggle has been lessened with acceptance. Hard knocks. I really don't want/need to drink. It's unreal. Have to remain vigilant.
I think use it to strengthen your sobriety Frenchton. Recovery is a process. This is part of your recovery.
I relapsed after 5 years, had a few 12 month stints, etc.
I don't know what kicks to have us 'know'. One time there I was trying to con my self that it was the second drink that did the damage!
Yesterday my granddaughter
offered me a sip of her strawberry/alcohol drink, just to taste. She had one all afternoon. My beautiful granddaughter. I declined even a sip Frenchton, because I (now) 'know' I cannot drink alcohol without really dire consequences. I want to avoid that. The struggle has been lessened with acceptance. Hard knocks. I really don't want/need to drink. It's unreal. Have to remain vigilant.
I think use it to strengthen your sobriety Frenchton. Recovery is a process. This is part of your recovery.
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