Polaroid

So, in the last month or so I've been taking an average of 20mg Klonopin a day. That's right 20 milligrams of clonazepam, it's insane.

I have plenty more, but I'll keep those empty blisters of Klonopin, (as some kind of proof), in case I need to detox (again), and the Dr. won't believe me, which I reckon they most likely won't. I've also been scriped by a doctor 30mg of Valium a day. They know nothing about my illicitly obtained Klonopins / Rivotril. It's crazy how easily they are to obtain, and how cheap they are.

This extreme anxiety I have, this urge to drink, or take pills,to take the edge off, it's just in my head, really, because I remember a few things:

... Fairly normal, except for the memory percentile - I tend to remember way too much, and that is actually a problem.

Last time I went to the hospital for a detox, a Dr. told me I had 0.42 ABV when I arrived, and he said - "if I had that, I would be lying flat on the floor, not even breathing". And that's not all, that's not even taking the benzos into the equation.

I've been to detox / rehab way too many times that I can count. Now I just I'm just trying to think... where do I go from here... My apartment is a mess, with beer cans and wine bottles all over the place. I don't drink spirits, not that it matters, all alcohol is the same.

Home detox? I'm sort of an IT-geek, and could make a program/app registering all drinks and benzos I take. Bit by bit, I could cut down. I've tried it before, but it didn't work. I stopped caring when I had too much to drink. Now, with that in mind, I've learned. Even though it's history, it's done. As a freelancer though, I have so many projects I have to work on, but my health, and prioritizing that, would of course be the best for me.

I've successfully home detoxed before, but then there's PAWS (Post acute withdrawals), which makes me real depressed - and makes me wonder what's worse. Being a drunk, or wonder what's the matter if I even exist or not? I'll die some day anyways. I just happened to be born as a human, and the odds for that are astronomical. I do, however believe in an afterlife. I won't remember what my previous life was like, and I might come back as a bird, a spider, or a little bug, or something totally different, on another planet. You get the idea.

Let me clarify though, I do not want to die just yet (I'm 36) - I have my parents, I have my sisters, and one grandparent, who two years ago lost her partner. And even if I don't care, I don't want to give them any grief.

Once again I've left myself into a pickle, but I've always considered myself a creative person. I just need to focus, which I I unfortunately can't right now as my body and brain has been hardwired to expect alcohol and sedatives. It's 2020, and I need to stop, no matter how hard it will be.

Thanks for listening/reading.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're still struggling polaroid.
I still think some kind of supervised detox would be best.

I hope 2020 is the year you decide you don't want to live this way and strike out for change.

Others have done it - from similar situations - why not you?
D

Anna

Polaroid, if you detox successfully and then experience depression/PAWS, there are ways to deal with that. There is medication that will help, there are lifestyle changes that can help. Don't believe that you are doomed to live with depression forever.

I hope you make the decision to stop using drugs and drinking and make this a great year for yourself.

Steely

Polaroid, you really do need to taper the clonazepam. The rest too. Don't know what your alcohol consumption is like, but the mix is deadly.

My belief is that you need medical detox. You have a very high tolerance., and you need to taper slowly, even though 'only' one month the Klon.

Have you looked at the Ashton Manual? Prof Heather Ashton's seminal work on benzodiazapines and withdrawal? We have a benzo forum here, and you will find a link there, too.

The combination and quantities of the drugs you are taking do not auger well for the future. ❤️

Please get yourself into a medical detox. If they pull you off too quickly, and you are not coping when you get home please have a look at BenzoBuddies. A support group, just like here, only for benzos.

You really do need to put this into check Polaroid. ❤️

HeadEast

I agree with those above in saying you really need some sort of medical detox. I really wouldn't try to do that on your own, especially with the dosages you are taking.

VinnyMcM

I’m 16 days sober.

I tried the home detox because I thought I was “tough” enough to do it. I wasn’t. Not even close. I did a medical detox and it saved my life.

I am by no means qualified to give advice on your depression but I was going through the same thing. I was depressed all the time because mentally I wanted to quit the booze but physically I couldn’t. Alcohol is a depressant and once I got that out of my system, I started seeing extreme personality changes for the better. Other people have said the same thing to me about me.

Again, just MY experience. Keep posting and reading here and good luck!

Polaroid

Yep I've heard and seen the Ashton Manual, and read it quite a few of times. However, when I mention it to doctors, they haven't heard of it? Maybe because Heather Ashton is from England, and I don't live there? I don't know.

I know, and I have some experience it that area. It all come downs to my confidence, really. Back in 2014 - I was so happy and sober. Why? Because I took part in something I never thought I'd manage, a science project which included not only scientists, but also therapists, nurses, and patients.

Yes, it can't continue like this of course, if want to live. I've had quite a few short "episodes" of taking way too much benzos, as well as drinking.

But have always f- survived. Sorry for the F-word, but I feel really in a mesh right now, entangled, torn between what I should or shouldn't do.

It will be, D. With my hand on my heart, I promise.

Dee74

I'm really glad to read that man. You deserve better than what you're giving yourself right now.

D

sugarbear1

I once took someone to the ER who was standing up and telling jokes.....his BA came back at .61. The interns couldn't understand how he was standing up let alone telling really funny jokes (John was a funny person).

I went home after dropping him off and found 20 empty vodka gallon containers and one full one ( I dumped that one).

Alcohol tolerance can lead us to death and we don't even know we are so close.....

I also used to party with someone who had a lot more than you and was chewing the Vicodin and what-have-you and then we went out to smoke crack...while drinking beers....

There was once a beautiful woman at AA in 1986.....ran into her years later.....she had done rehab a few times and her gorgeous red hair went all white, then it went all frizzy and she had teeth falling out, she was homeless (I don't know who had her children then).....at the age of 45 she looked 80....

Or my other friend who was so gung ho on AA.....but hadn't done the work; she relapsed, had something happen, now she is partially paralyzed and still knocking on the crack dude's door (who, by the way, is a grandma; those ol' crackers are fierce old gals!)

My alcoholism wants me dead. I don't encourage it in any way.

You are hurting yourself.

Are you ready to stop yet? It gets really bad.....

Then there is Sobriety. Full and total abstinence from mind altering substances, mostly alcohol. Life is so much different. I set goals and achieve them, I have people who truly care about me and most of all I have a sense of who I am AND I am comfortable in my own skin. Those other sober people? Their lives are pretty great and if you stop young (sometimes even old) you seem to not age like people who consume alcohol. Here's a reason to sop and stay stopped!

Amazing difference.

I wish you well on your sober journey and hope you stop hurting yourself soon.

Love and hugs,
~SB

cantsleep123

AnvilheadII

1. Do you truly want to get clean and sober and give up all substances for life?

2. If your answer is YES, then what are you willing to do to achieve that?

nothing happens by osmosis. if you WANT sobriety you will have to WORK for it. with all that you have. half measures availed us nothing.

Polaroid

To be completely honest, the answer is.... No

Listen... I isolated myself after high school for about 5-6 years, until I discovered benzos.I didn't drink, didn't do any drug, blablaba, until I was 25.

At 26, my benzos didn't arrive on time, and to cope with that, I started drinking, and completely fell in love with it. I felt like a new, confident person. At this time i was at school, and made sure no one would be able to notice (brushing my teeth, moutwash, showering, etc).

Now I'm 36, and certainly want to get rid of the alcohol. That's 10 years.

However, as I keep saying, Benzos gave a life, alcohol destoyed it. I cannot emphasize that enough, as for me, it's a fact.

Of course, not 20mg of Klonopin a day, but my prescribed dose, 30mg Valium a day. And maybe I can get rid of that too, but it needs to be real slow, and not 5mg a week at one rehab center I stayed at for 3 months. I tried to mention.... this is going too fast, but the humble person that i am, I just let them do it.

I felt utterly destroyed after I left, and couldn't wait to get home, as I knew there were some more waiting for me.

I'm not sure how people can compare benzos to "alcohol in a pill". Of course it's individual, and very subjective.

I'm aware this might be a dumb analogy, but would you call an "Injection of Insulin" for diabetics a "life in a syringe"?

ThatWasTheOldMe

Taking a benzo prescription as prescribed by a doctor is completely different than abusing Klonopin.

Benzos are "alcohol in a pill" only in the sense that they have an anxiolytic effect in the same way alcohol does. The problem with this is that in order to relieve anxiety, they mimic the action of calming neurotransmitters (chemicals) in your brain - leaving your central nervous system to respond by releasing excess excitatory chemicals. So when you come down, your brain is overall excited, and over time, this can significantly increase your risk of having a seizure and other autonomic instabilities. The same goes for alcoholics going through alcohol withdrawal.

Either way, mixing benzos with alcohol or using alcohol when you don't have access to benzos is extremely dangerous and it is highly recommended that someone going through that seeks a medical detox or at least medical supervision as you start to detox - if at all possible.

Dee74

Its hard to want a clean and sober life if you've not had much experience of one...but you must want better for yourself or you wouldn't be here Polaroid.

D

EndGameNYC

That's a lethal dose, and the combination of these pills and booze puts you at higher risk. For now, you are essentially chipping away at your life expectancy.

I don't recall whether or not I ever met someone with a drinking problem who got sober after being reminded of the potentially fatal consequences of drinking.

cantsleep123

If you could get rid of the Klonopin and booze, and only take your prescribed dose of valium (and that's a big IF) then I think you could be on the way to living a quality life. I'm honestly surprised there is a doc that gives you a long term prescription for valium. Either way keep posting here and we will keep giving advice and support. Maybe it's time to be honest with a doctor also (even though this means they will most likely yank your scrip). Have you ever attempted CBT for your anxiety? I know first hand how crippling that disorder can be.

Ladysadie

Polaroid -- I read your post yesterday and it is haunting to think that you are taking a risk each night that you may never wake up. My suggestion is to get yourself to a detox now. I suspect you are rather proud of the fact that no doctor who's care you are under knows the full extent of your usage. Important that you be completely honest if you want to live. If you don't care, well, you won't. This is an insane amount of Benzos to be taking (Klonopin + Valium) and to add alcohol. It sounds like suicide man.

Be strong, be truthful. Wishing you the strength to step forward.

LostLilly

Steely

Polaroid , benzo's are called 'alcohol in a pill' because the act on exactly the same GABA receptors as alcohol.

You will need to taper really slowly.

Doctors rehabs still don't get it. But change is occurring, thank goodness.

You can take a 'prescribed' dose for years, and then hit tolerance. It's all downhill from there. This is not always the case, but often.

I am now 10 months free from benzo's. Hell.

I know what I'm talking about, but it can be done.

I am so much better now that I'm off them.

And I took them as prescribed. I developed Serotonin Syndrome out of 2 antidepressants coming together. I just kept taking them (as prescribed) because thought better than alcohol. Not!

Now I do neither. No antidepressants either. This does not mean anti depressants aren't necessary for some people, they are.

Good luck.

Steely

Prof. Heather Ashton died just recently. She was in her 90's I think.

An absolute pioneer in the research and study of benzodiazapines. Trailblazer.

And was much loved by all.