New To This - And Need To Understand Next Steps
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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New To This - And Need To Understand Next Steps
Where to begin...sorry for the long a post, but it’s my first one with a lot to get off my chest...my wife is a closet alcoholic (from what I believe to be the case and from all that I have read here and elsewhere).
We’ve been together for about 9 years, married for 5. I (and she) always knew of risks - her father was an alcoholic who basically drank himself to death a couple years ago from a lifetime of serious alcoholism which broke him as a person, put him in jail for DWI’s, ended his marriage, you name it. My wife’s brother has been addicted off and on to alcohol and drugs since he was a kid, hit a recent rock bottom and currently about 4 months sober (we are told by him). My wife’s mother suffers from severe depression with suicidal tendencies which has been in a bad place the last couple of years after she lost her job of 30 years.
Needless to say - my wife was dealt a tough hand as a child. She was always somewhat praised by her family, friends (and m) with amazement of how well she did/does in her life considering what worked against her and the condition of the rest of her family. She stayed away from drugs (still does) but always drank. She goes to therapy nearly every week for 7 years running. We attend couples therapy nearly every week for the last year or so as well. She started taking mild prescribed dose of anti-anxiety medicine about a year ago. She went and graduated college, has tons of friends l, built a lot of success professionally, always been such a kind and compassionate person.
We have always been pretty open about this stuff - mostly from what she has learned from her own history. She has always claimed to “keep tabs” on it. (I have too for her). I look back on the last year or so and recognize now the red flags that it has been progressing.
It all came to a head the last couple weeks though. I came home early from work (bit randomly and unannounced) and when I walked in I saw her running to bathroom with big spill on the ground. I smelled the spill (wine) and when asked she said she was going to pour it out and ashamed I would know she was drinking. A week later my nephew did a solo visit and wile at a food hall market together at 1pm she said she had to use the bathroom. We then also decided to use the bathroom and found her at the bar ordering a white wine which she quickly waked away from and left sitting there when she knew I saw her. I asked and she said “I’m having fun”.
But the big one was this past weekend we went on a 2 night trip to visit friends (two other couples with kids etc) to celebrate New Years (typically a holiday that drinking will take place). After we arrived I picked up her purse to hand to her and (heard clinking of glass) and commented by asking “wow, why is your bag so heavy”. She grabbed the bag and gave me a funny look and walked upstairs. I guess I worried my worse fear and felt compelled to find out so I followed her to the bedroom where she was clearing scrambling to hide something. I asked what she was hiding and she said “nothing”. I said I think she had a bottle of booze in her bag and she said “no way - look in my bag”. When I told her I heard them she then said I filled my water bottle with wine which I drank on the train ride up (which was true as the empty bottle reaked of wine). I said I think she hid something under the mattress just now which she denied. So I asked if she would show me and she said no. We kind of stood there silently for like two minutes when she eventually said fine. I lifted the mattress and there were 10 mini bottles of vodka stashed.
I think about the quantity of the 10 double shots over just the 36 hour trip for New Years where we planned (and did) drink a ton. Just seemed so obviously excessive. And what really sank in was she was hiding all of this. It was a tough couple nights to say the least. I was so in shock, scared etc but didn’t make it known (I think) to our friends as I don’t think I was able to be in an uneducated position of saying anything yet? I dumped out the vodkas and threw them out but she still drank plenty (with everyone those two nights). She knew I was upset. She was upset.
The following morning, about an hour before we planned to take the train back, I asked if she had any Advil and she said in her purse. A bit later while she was upstairs getting ready to leave I looked for her purse (truly to just find the Advil) I noticed her purse was missing. I then saw a big lump in the couch with a blanket covering it up. Sure enough it was her purse. And when I looked inside there was a 12oz water bottle filled to brim with white wine (for the train ride home).
I put it back and didn’t say anything until we got home. I asked her if she had drank or brought booze for ride home and she said “of course not”. I told her I know she did because I went to get and Advil. She then admitted she drank it.
I struggle with where we are at now. Her knowing just how impactful and upsetting for both of us it was when I found out about the vodka and just two days later doing it again anyway with the wine made it clear it seems totally out of her control. She opened up a bit to me yesterday and said:
“It’s been pretty much daily since beginning of summer (7-8 months), 3-5 glasses of wine each day hidden before I get home (and we certainly occasionally drink some together after)”.
”Her definition of not everyday is once, maybe twice a month off from drinking”
”She says her therapist knows - I wonder the extent though”
”Says worried I would be ashamed and hate her if knew”
“Says likes who she is better when drinking”
”Says feels better on it than without”
When I say “You don’t have to be the flaws of her family you know”. she says “I am my ****** family”.
“She feels sorry”.
“She admits it’s become a problem” (her words).
But she “Just wants to find a way back to how it was before it was under control”.
We were scheduled to leave for a pre-paid trip to Florida this morning and I made the early morning decision that I really was in such a bad headspace about this I felt more comfortable staying home and us skipping this one which she agreed. I also asked if we did go, would she be able to take it kind of easy, and she said she couldn’t guarantee that because if ‘vacation’. And she also drank some vodka before she went to bed last night and admitted to it quickly when I said I smelled it on her breath”.
We scheduled an Impromptu couples counseling session this evening and she says we should bring up all of the above details to talk about, which is slightly encouraging I suppose. I asked if she would be able to not drink before tonight counseling and she worriedly says she would try and knows she needs to because how important it is. I told her I could help by stick by her side today to support her not drinking before the session, but this would just be today, which she agreed to.
Soo, that was a lot, I know. Kind of feel like I have been rambling on. But I feel like I just stepped through a new reality door. Always had hunches and a lot of this not surprising with her family history and as I write and read it, but never knew we were at this point. Obviously this being so fresh (3 days of really knowing the extent) I’m scared as hell for what it will all mean, I feel so uneducated in it all, depressed, and prob every other emotion.
I love my wife. (We have no kids for record). I don’t know the next steps. I also don’t think even after all of what just took place that she would be willing to get totally sober. I don’t know though - but she hasn’t said those words yet and I haven’t asked it yet”.
That’s my story. More to come. I’m thankful for this platform to share.
Milljax-
We’ve been together for about 9 years, married for 5. I (and she) always knew of risks - her father was an alcoholic who basically drank himself to death a couple years ago from a lifetime of serious alcoholism which broke him as a person, put him in jail for DWI’s, ended his marriage, you name it. My wife’s brother has been addicted off and on to alcohol and drugs since he was a kid, hit a recent rock bottom and currently about 4 months sober (we are told by him). My wife’s mother suffers from severe depression with suicidal tendencies which has been in a bad place the last couple of years after she lost her job of 30 years.
Needless to say - my wife was dealt a tough hand as a child. She was always somewhat praised by her family, friends (and m) with amazement of how well she did/does in her life considering what worked against her and the condition of the rest of her family. She stayed away from drugs (still does) but always drank. She goes to therapy nearly every week for 7 years running. We attend couples therapy nearly every week for the last year or so as well. She started taking mild prescribed dose of anti-anxiety medicine about a year ago. She went and graduated college, has tons of friends l, built a lot of success professionally, always been such a kind and compassionate person.
We have always been pretty open about this stuff - mostly from what she has learned from her own history. She has always claimed to “keep tabs” on it. (I have too for her). I look back on the last year or so and recognize now the red flags that it has been progressing.
It all came to a head the last couple weeks though. I came home early from work (bit randomly and unannounced) and when I walked in I saw her running to bathroom with big spill on the ground. I smelled the spill (wine) and when asked she said she was going to pour it out and ashamed I would know she was drinking. A week later my nephew did a solo visit and wile at a food hall market together at 1pm she said she had to use the bathroom. We then also decided to use the bathroom and found her at the bar ordering a white wine which she quickly waked away from and left sitting there when she knew I saw her. I asked and she said “I’m having fun”.
But the big one was this past weekend we went on a 2 night trip to visit friends (two other couples with kids etc) to celebrate New Years (typically a holiday that drinking will take place). After we arrived I picked up her purse to hand to her and (heard clinking of glass) and commented by asking “wow, why is your bag so heavy”. She grabbed the bag and gave me a funny look and walked upstairs. I guess I worried my worse fear and felt compelled to find out so I followed her to the bedroom where she was clearing scrambling to hide something. I asked what she was hiding and she said “nothing”. I said I think she had a bottle of booze in her bag and she said “no way - look in my bag”. When I told her I heard them she then said I filled my water bottle with wine which I drank on the train ride up (which was true as the empty bottle reaked of wine). I said I think she hid something under the mattress just now which she denied. So I asked if she would show me and she said no. We kind of stood there silently for like two minutes when she eventually said fine. I lifted the mattress and there were 10 mini bottles of vodka stashed.
I think about the quantity of the 10 double shots over just the 36 hour trip for New Years where we planned (and did) drink a ton. Just seemed so obviously excessive. And what really sank in was she was hiding all of this. It was a tough couple nights to say the least. I was so in shock, scared etc but didn’t make it known (I think) to our friends as I don’t think I was able to be in an uneducated position of saying anything yet? I dumped out the vodkas and threw them out but she still drank plenty (with everyone those two nights). She knew I was upset. She was upset.
The following morning, about an hour before we planned to take the train back, I asked if she had any Advil and she said in her purse. A bit later while she was upstairs getting ready to leave I looked for her purse (truly to just find the Advil) I noticed her purse was missing. I then saw a big lump in the couch with a blanket covering it up. Sure enough it was her purse. And when I looked inside there was a 12oz water bottle filled to brim with white wine (for the train ride home).
I put it back and didn’t say anything until we got home. I asked her if she had drank or brought booze for ride home and she said “of course not”. I told her I know she did because I went to get and Advil. She then admitted she drank it.
I struggle with where we are at now. Her knowing just how impactful and upsetting for both of us it was when I found out about the vodka and just two days later doing it again anyway with the wine made it clear it seems totally out of her control. She opened up a bit to me yesterday and said:
“It’s been pretty much daily since beginning of summer (7-8 months), 3-5 glasses of wine each day hidden before I get home (and we certainly occasionally drink some together after)”.
”Her definition of not everyday is once, maybe twice a month off from drinking”
”She says her therapist knows - I wonder the extent though”
”Says worried I would be ashamed and hate her if knew”
“Says likes who she is better when drinking”
”Says feels better on it than without”
When I say “You don’t have to be the flaws of her family you know”. she says “I am my ****** family”.
“She feels sorry”.
“She admits it’s become a problem” (her words).
But she “Just wants to find a way back to how it was before it was under control”.
We were scheduled to leave for a pre-paid trip to Florida this morning and I made the early morning decision that I really was in such a bad headspace about this I felt more comfortable staying home and us skipping this one which she agreed. I also asked if we did go, would she be able to take it kind of easy, and she said she couldn’t guarantee that because if ‘vacation’. And she also drank some vodka before she went to bed last night and admitted to it quickly when I said I smelled it on her breath”.
We scheduled an Impromptu couples counseling session this evening and she says we should bring up all of the above details to talk about, which is slightly encouraging I suppose. I asked if she would be able to not drink before tonight counseling and she worriedly says she would try and knows she needs to because how important it is. I told her I could help by stick by her side today to support her not drinking before the session, but this would just be today, which she agreed to.
Soo, that was a lot, I know. Kind of feel like I have been rambling on. But I feel like I just stepped through a new reality door. Always had hunches and a lot of this not surprising with her family history and as I write and read it, but never knew we were at this point. Obviously this being so fresh (3 days of really knowing the extent) I’m scared as hell for what it will all mean, I feel so uneducated in it all, depressed, and prob every other emotion.
I love my wife. (We have no kids for record). I don’t know the next steps. I also don’t think even after all of what just took place that she would be willing to get totally sober. I don’t know though - but she hasn’t said those words yet and I haven’t asked it yet”.
That’s my story. More to come. I’m thankful for this platform to share.
Milljax-
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,488
Thank you for sharing your story. 
s
I hear you.....and I know it can be hard to know what to do.
But your wife is aware of the consequences of addiction, and I am sure she does not want this kind of life....if it was me, I would tell her I think she needs help. I would ask her if she would consider going to rehab. I would start there....and see how that goes.
I hope that helps even just a little Milljax. s xx
s I hear you.....and I know it can be hard to know what to do.
But your wife is aware of the consequences of addiction, and I am sure she does not want this kind of life....if it was me, I would tell her I think she needs help. I would ask her if she would consider going to rehab. I would start there....and see how that goes.
I hope that helps even just a little Milljax.
s xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Whoa, that's a bunch. It seems like it must be a common situation, but I don't know that I've met anyone dealing with that mess. It seems like I should have. What I'm thinking is that you should think about doing some prioritizing. I'm not going to say what your priority order should be, but I think you may want to consider breaking this thing down. What's the first thing you need to deal with? How should you approach it? Right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed.
This is about you and your wife. She's only one person, but you sound like you are herding cats.
This is about you and your wife. She's only one person, but you sound like you are herding cats.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
This sounds like an incredibly tough situation, and I commend you for sharing it with us.
If I've learned a single thing in my experience with my own alcoholism (as well as dealing with family members), it's that you are not responsible for someone's sobriety, nor can you be what gets them sober. They have to want to do it on their own. Try to remember that.
Additionally, if you'd like some suggestions, I would think that therapy for you would be helpful, if only just to deal with navigating this issue. You can also look up some Alanon meetings, which are support groups for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts. You might learn some coping skills there, and hopefully avoid common pitfalls into codependency. I've never been to an alanon group, but I'm sure you'll find a lot of people with experiences similar to yours, and it will probably be helpful for you to have real life support. Addictions are just as hard on the people they affect as they are on the addict them self.
I know you want to help your wife, and it seems as though she does need help. But I do think that you need to make sure that you are prepared as well for whatever may come as you two try to deal with this. They always say to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others, after all.
You're also absolutely welcome to continue posting here (I say as if I have any authority, lmao) and we also have a whole friends and family section on the forum where people discuss these things.
Good luck, man. I hope you continue to share with us. I have found amazing support here and I'm sure you will too.
If I've learned a single thing in my experience with my own alcoholism (as well as dealing with family members), it's that you are not responsible for someone's sobriety, nor can you be what gets them sober. They have to want to do it on their own. Try to remember that.
Additionally, if you'd like some suggestions, I would think that therapy for you would be helpful, if only just to deal with navigating this issue. You can also look up some Alanon meetings, which are support groups for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts. You might learn some coping skills there, and hopefully avoid common pitfalls into codependency. I've never been to an alanon group, but I'm sure you'll find a lot of people with experiences similar to yours, and it will probably be helpful for you to have real life support. Addictions are just as hard on the people they affect as they are on the addict them self.
I know you want to help your wife, and it seems as though she does need help. But I do think that you need to make sure that you are prepared as well for whatever may come as you two try to deal with this. They always say to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others, after all.
You're also absolutely welcome to continue posting here (I say as if I have any authority, lmao) and we also have a whole friends and family section on the forum where people discuss these things.
Good luck, man. I hope you continue to share with us. I have found amazing support here and I'm sure you will too.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
Your wife will have to make the decision herself if she wants to get sober and she will need to be very motivated. You can set boundaries for yourself to protect yourself and your space, but other than that, there is little you can do. The fact your wife wants to go to counselling is positive.
Have you considered AlAnon in your community as a support for yourself? It might be a good idea to check it out.
Your wife will have to make the decision herself if she wants to get sober and she will need to be very motivated. You can set boundaries for yourself to protect yourself and your space, but other than that, there is little you can do. The fact your wife wants to go to counselling is positive.
Have you considered AlAnon in your community as a support for yourself? It might be a good idea to check it out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Thanks for sharing that story Milljax. That is tough. I have a nose for my own kind so I am confident in saying that your spouse is an alcoholic and shouldn't ever drink again. But there really isn't anything you can do to make that happen. The fact that she is willing to go to counseling together is pretty big and an encouraging sign. But she lies with every breath she takes and will lie to you now to get you to back off a bit. When I was using I'd look at the blue sky, look you square in the eye, and swear the sky was orange. The reflexive lying is sadly a typical part of us folks. So, protect yourself Milljax. You seem like such a gem of a person and so so supportive already. I hope your spouse realizes what a gift you are someday. She couldn't know now because she is still desperate to use. Be prepared for what my come your way, ok? Sometimes us boozers are intent on destroying ourselves and you don't need to go down with the ship. Please take care and bless you for your kindness to her thus far.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 308
I’m going to take a different approach to this. I look at this post as encouraging. It sounds like your wife just didnt care about becoming sober until you caught her in the act and had to have a brutally honest conversation with her.
I say this because I was exactly like your wife. Hiding alcohol everywhere and making sure I had a plan to keep that buzz rolling wherever I went. I thought I was hiding it until my wife started finding random empty cans and bottles around the house. Of course I was defensive at first because I’m stubborn as hell. I knew I had a problem but didn’t want to admit my embarrassment. I finally put my pride aside and admitted the obvious: I was an alcoholic.
She sounds like she might be physically dependent on it. If that’s the case, I would research a medically supervised detox at the hospital. It worked for me to start my sobriety.
Could you convince her to join this forum? It has become my go-to website and has really helped me in my early stages of sobriety.
I say this because I was exactly like your wife. Hiding alcohol everywhere and making sure I had a plan to keep that buzz rolling wherever I went. I thought I was hiding it until my wife started finding random empty cans and bottles around the house. Of course I was defensive at first because I’m stubborn as hell. I knew I had a problem but didn’t want to admit my embarrassment. I finally put my pride aside and admitted the obvious: I was an alcoholic.
She sounds like she might be physically dependent on it. If that’s the case, I would research a medically supervised detox at the hospital. It worked for me to start my sobriety.
Could you convince her to join this forum? It has become my go-to website and has really helped me in my early stages of sobriety.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Welcome to the family. I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us. 
I hope your wife decides she wants to get sober. Do establish boundaries. Let her know what you will and will not tolerate.
I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us. I hope your wife decides she wants to get sober. Do establish boundaries. Let her know what you will and will not tolerate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 10
Update and thanks.
Thank you all for the support (as hard as a lot of it is to hear). I found and been doing some additional sharing on the Friends and Family platform on this site as well and will continue my focus there.
Im grateful of this forum.
As an update:
We went to our couples counseling session last night and spilled it all out on the table. Our therapist was pretty point blank with my wife in telling her she is an alcoholic and asked her if she is aware and if she wants to make change.
My wife fully admits she has a problem to us and that it used to be “under control” but it has gotten “out of hand”. But right now she is only saying she wants to find a way to “get it back under control”. She claims she knows she would need help to do so.
I don’t tend to believe it is possible at this point to “revert back”. Honestly I always felt she pushed the boundaries during that “under control history she’s had since I have known her (almost ten years).
We are a bit a-day-at-a-time starting now. She just elected to go see her own personal therapist this afternoon and agreed to have both her Theropist and our couples Theropist connect by phone today. She was told to start to journal her daily activity and also her daily consumption to review in therapy as a starting point.
She is open to trying to go to a AA meeting which I will attend with her (an open one) which we are researching options locally. She even mentioned she would consider doing a (10?) day in-patient detox as a starting point. (Although I’m not sure if she is just saying these last two things to quiet the noise around this or to actually be willing to take some steps). But she also has yet to say the words “sober” and isn’t ready to accept that idea (keeps reverting back to “I want to get it back under control”).
I know she is completely overwhelmed by this and the idea of the mountain she’s facing ahead and probably equally the mountain of what life will be like afterwards (if she’s able to climb that 1st mountain).
Honestly at this point what I’m most confused about is what words I should say to her, And/or how much I should be “pushing” for these steps to take place....(?). Obviously intend to think if I get to pushy, it would encourage her to lie more about it etc. (the wicked conundrum...)
As for me I am going to start seeing my own Theropist in the next week or so (looking for one now). And from all I have read likely will attend a handful of Al-Anon meetings but may wait until after we go to the first AA meeting.
Im grateful of this forum.
As an update:
We went to our couples counseling session last night and spilled it all out on the table. Our therapist was pretty point blank with my wife in telling her she is an alcoholic and asked her if she is aware and if she wants to make change.
My wife fully admits she has a problem to us and that it used to be “under control” but it has gotten “out of hand”. But right now she is only saying she wants to find a way to “get it back under control”. She claims she knows she would need help to do so.
I don’t tend to believe it is possible at this point to “revert back”. Honestly I always felt she pushed the boundaries during that “under control history she’s had since I have known her (almost ten years).
We are a bit a-day-at-a-time starting now. She just elected to go see her own personal therapist this afternoon and agreed to have both her Theropist and our couples Theropist connect by phone today. She was told to start to journal her daily activity and also her daily consumption to review in therapy as a starting point.
She is open to trying to go to a AA meeting which I will attend with her (an open one) which we are researching options locally. She even mentioned she would consider doing a (10?) day in-patient detox as a starting point. (Although I’m not sure if she is just saying these last two things to quiet the noise around this or to actually be willing to take some steps). But she also has yet to say the words “sober” and isn’t ready to accept that idea (keeps reverting back to “I want to get it back under control”).
I know she is completely overwhelmed by this and the idea of the mountain she’s facing ahead and probably equally the mountain of what life will be like afterwards (if she’s able to climb that 1st mountain).
Honestly at this point what I’m most confused about is what words I should say to her, And/or how much I should be “pushing” for these steps to take place....(?). Obviously intend to think if I get to pushy, it would encourage her to lie more about it etc. (the wicked conundrum...)
As for me I am going to start seeing my own Theropist in the next week or so (looking for one now). And from all I have read likely will attend a handful of Al-Anon meetings but may wait until after we go to the first AA meeting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Paradoxically the wisdom of the ages from those who have been in your position is to stand back, let your alcoholic light the fuse and wait for the explosion that is gauranteed sooner or later if they choose to pursue the unicorn that is 'controlled drinking'
There are chapters of the AA big book, dedicated to the partners and family of the alcoholic and they are a masterclass in what to expect, how to deal with it and ultimately how to have faith that your alcoholic can and will recover if they want to.
There are chapters of the AA big book, dedicated to the partners and family of the alcoholic and they are a masterclass in what to expect, how to deal with it and ultimately how to have faith that your alcoholic can and will recover if they want to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 308
Originally Posted by Milljax 
[left
Honestly at this point what I’m most confused about is what words I should say to her, And/or how much I should be “pushing” for these steps to take place....(?). Obviously intend to think if I get to pushy, it would encourage her to lie more about it etc. (the wicked conundrum...) [/left]
Honestly at this point what I’m most confused about is what words I should say to her, And/or how much I should be “pushing” for these steps to take place....(?). Obviously intend to think if I get to pushy, it would encourage her to lie more about it etc. (the wicked conundrum...) [/left]
If she didn’t insist on me going to the ER when I was trying to detox at home, I would’ve died.
Would I have quit if it wasn’t for her concern? I have no idea. But it most definitely made me quit due to her concern.
Obviously I don’t know your wife and ultimately it’ll be up to you on how to approach it. Best of luck.
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