batchel9

Mango212

batchel9

I was also frustrated by the people that just don’t get boundaries and accountability. I was told by two people to “be the bigger person and just reschedule”. Why? So that every day he drinks and comes up with an elaborate excuse I will just reschedule??

Another in my family did a “this is why you guys will never be able to get along and coparent”. Seriously?! The reason is because he’s an alcoholic and I don’t tolerate it. The only way we would possibly get along is if I just do whatever he wants. Not happening!

Wombaticus

I hope you are documenting all of this? Might be good in case you need it in the future.
Surely this is about you trying to be a good parent?
Forget what others think of you. Stick to your boundaries.
It's very frustrating when sometimes you just want people to acknowledge how tedious and tough things are, and they need to offer an opinion.

SparkleKitty

It certainly seems like it is time to stop inviting or welcoming others into the daily details of your interactions with your XAH. If people cannot be supportive of your conviction to protect your kids from his unreliable, alcoholic behavior then they don't need to be kept update on his antics.

The fact is there are ways around "car trouble" if he was truly motivated to see his family. It's more of an inconvenience than a true obstacle. Not that that matters since it is all just an excuse to cover up his drinking anyway.

Eauchiche

WHAT??? Does his liquor come in a bottle shaped like a car?
Just wondering....

batchel9

batchel9

Sleepyhollo

Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. Truth of the matter is, unless people have dealt with alcoholism up close and personal, they will not understand. So your critics are either people that have never had to deal with alcoholism or they are still in a relationship with an alcoholic and enablers/codependent. One of my friends, who is in a world do her own to begin with, when my ex went to rehab she said, why can’t he just start drinking sprite? I think you are doing the right thing and the fact he didn’t want to do breathalyzer says it all. Like other said, I hope you are documenting and keeping text. And he doesn’t deserve to reschedule just because he can’t stay clean.

FeelingGreat

It's bad enough that he drank instead of having the kids, but your friends are not being helpful at all. Putting it down to you two not getting on!

You did so right to hold the line. Good for you - I think your response was just perfect.

Milano58

Yip, I know how it is. I got threatened with lawyers over the holidays cos EXAH didn't like his holiday access. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of soberlink in Oz.

Real friends will stick by you. I've dropped a couple by the wayside. It's just too hard to do this without support.

maia1234

Keep your chin up B. They just wear you down so you give in to crazy. You know the game, don't engage. You are doing great. Keep your cool and when he wants to show up and be responsible, he can spend some great time with his kids.
Hugs!!

NYCDoglvr

There's a saying: "whatever we focus on expands." Instead of reacting to predictable games the alcoholic plays, take the focus off him and onto yourself, where it belongs. Alanon was a life-saver for me, I got tools for letting stuff like that roll of my back.

Sasha1972

Maybe another way to look at this - if he was drinking when he was supposed to have the kids, at least he didn't try to have his time with the kids WHILE drinking. There's a tiny little grain of being-responsible there - I can't pass a Soberlink, so I won't try to force a confrontation. He's organizing his parenting around his drinking. (Of course ideally he would organize his drinking around his parenting - I have the kids tomorrow, so I can't get hammered today, but I can get hammered as soon as they leave - but this is better than failing Soberlink and the drama that ensues.

When my ex did this (cancel a scheduled visit with some euphemism for "I'm drunk"), I'd say "thanks for letting me know, please suggest three alternatives for rescheduling your visit and I'll let you know which works best for me". The ball is in his court (although I retain control over the outcome by picking one out of three) and I don't have to be the Alcohol Police and establish whether he is or is not drunk at the exact moment he should have had the kids.

I also noted the cancelled visit to identify a pattern for court (because if he's not exercising the access he is entitled to, any push to get more access is pretty weak).