Still sick
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Still sick
Hi,
I used to stalk this site drunk and hopeless. I may have even posted but I wouldn’t remember. Well, things got worse. So so much worse. Rehabs, hospitals, jail... basically dead. Got in some more legal trouble and found myself in a long term sober living facility. Got kicked out. Went back again and again to different long term places. In and out. Haven’t had more than a few months sober in 5 years. Before that I had 4 years sober, worked a 12 step program, had sponsees but I was miserable. Relapsed and still struggling years later.
At this point I am drinking anywhere between a few times a month to a few times a week. No major consequences lately and I got to thinking maybe I’ve learned to control myself. But it’s getting worse again because I’m an alcoholic. I know I just need to get over myself and go to meetings but I honestly hate them. But I know that’s what I need to do. Some days when I haven’t had a drink in a week or so I feel great about myself. But as soon as I think about drinking it’s as good as done.
Im putting on a good show for everyone. Only my husband knows of my slips and he only knows of a few. He’s a freakin substance abuse counselor at a rehab. I’m a mess. I need help to stop binge drinking. I don’t know why I cannot stand AA. I don’t know what else to do. I’m being selfish and I hate it. I’ve had this act going for so long I don’t know how to move forward without hurting people. I don’t want to wait till I’m dead or back in jail to wish I had done something different. I don’t really know what I’m asking for or maybe I’m just venting. Didn’t know where else to put this. Thanks
I used to stalk this site drunk and hopeless. I may have even posted but I wouldn’t remember. Well, things got worse. So so much worse. Rehabs, hospitals, jail... basically dead. Got in some more legal trouble and found myself in a long term sober living facility. Got kicked out. Went back again and again to different long term places. In and out. Haven’t had more than a few months sober in 5 years. Before that I had 4 years sober, worked a 12 step program, had sponsees but I was miserable. Relapsed and still struggling years later.
At this point I am drinking anywhere between a few times a month to a few times a week. No major consequences lately and I got to thinking maybe I’ve learned to control myself. But it’s getting worse again because I’m an alcoholic. I know I just need to get over myself and go to meetings but I honestly hate them. But I know that’s what I need to do. Some days when I haven’t had a drink in a week or so I feel great about myself. But as soon as I think about drinking it’s as good as done.
Im putting on a good show for everyone. Only my husband knows of my slips and he only knows of a few. He’s a freakin substance abuse counselor at a rehab. I’m a mess. I need help to stop binge drinking. I don’t know why I cannot stand AA. I don’t know what else to do. I’m being selfish and I hate it. I’ve had this act going for so long I don’t know how to move forward without hurting people. I don’t want to wait till I’m dead or back in jail to wish I had done something different. I don’t really know what I’m asking for or maybe I’m just venting. Didn’t know where else to put this. Thanks
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Mostly, I'm sorry that you went 4 years sober and didn't get to experience that freedom and relief. Any insight on why you remained miserable?
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Hey there, not really 100% sure. Never really felt like I fit in which felt worse when I would hear how other felt so at ease in the rooms. Perhaps underlying depression? I just never quite fit in, even years into recovery.
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Originally Posted by silentrun 
I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Mostly, I'm sorry that you went 4 years sober and didn't get to experience that freedom and relief. Any insight on why you remained miserable?
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Originally Posted by silentrun
I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Mostly, I'm sorry that you went 4 years sober and didn't get to experience that freedom and relief. Any insight on why you remained miserable?
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Originally Posted by silentrun
I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Mostly, I'm sorry that you went 4 years sober and didn't get to experience that freedom and relief. Any insight on why you remained miserable?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by MsPink24
Hey there, not really 100% sure. Never really felt like I fit in which felt worse when I would hear how other felt so at ease in the rooms. Perhaps underlying depression? I just never quite fit in, even years into recovery.
I heard "the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but connection". It could be some underlying issues or just that nagging voice that keeps repeating how you don't belong (I had one of those I don't know if you do). If you couldn't connect its little wonder you were miserable.
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Originally Posted by silentrun
I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Mostly, I'm sorry that you went 4 years sober and didn't get to experience that freedom and relief. Any insight on why you remained miserable?
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Originally Posted by HeadEast
"I’m being selfish and I hate it".
You aren't being selfish at all. You are just trying to take care of yourself. Many ideas will follow my post.
You aren't being selfish at all. You are just trying to take care of yourself. Many ideas will follow my post.
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Reply
Originally Posted by silentrun
I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Mostly, I'm sorry that you went 4 years sober and didn't get to experience that freedom and relief. Any insight on why you remained miserable?
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Reply
Originally Posted by silentrun
I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Mostly, I'm sorry that you went 4 years sober and didn't get to experience that freedom and relief. Any insight on why you remained miserable?
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Originally Posted by silentrun
internet gremlins
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome MsPink 
I found the support here really helped me. I also learned of other meeting based approaches like SMART and lifering and others.
If the problem is meeting themselves there's an approach called Rational Recovery/AVRT which has no meetings at all
In short there are many way up the mountain, so long as you're prepared to do the climbing
D
I found the support here really helped me. I also learned of other meeting based approaches like SMART and lifering and others.
If the problem is meeting themselves there's an approach called Rational Recovery/AVRT which has no meetings at all
In short there are many way up the mountain, so long as you're prepared to do the climbing
D
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Originally Posted by MsPink24
thanks. Sorry I just spammed my own post. And reply and it kept telling me there was an error and now they’re all there and I don’t know how to delete them. Oh my. It’s all good. I think I’m gonna stick around here. I just need some guidance. And to feel less like I’m hiding
lol something seems to be going on with the site. You are not the only one to do duplicate posts in the last few minutes. And that includes myself.
Also, hello and welcome!!
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Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi and welcome MsPink
I found the support here really helped me. I also learned of other meeting based approaches like SMART and lifering and others.
If the problem is meeting themselves there's an approach called Rational Recovery/AVRT which has no meetings at all
In short there are many way up the mountain, so long as you're prepared to do the climbing
D
I found the support here really helped me. I also learned of other meeting based approaches like SMART and lifering and others.
If the problem is meeting themselves there's an approach called Rational Recovery/AVRT which has no meetings at all
In short there are many way up the mountain, so long as you're prepared to do the climbing
D
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Posts: 14
Originally Posted by babycat
lol something seems to be going on with the site. You are not the only one to do duplicate posts in the last few minutes. And that includes myself.
Also, hello and welcome!!
Also, hello and welcome!!
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