:( verbally abuse addict boyfriend in recovery should i stay and work on things or call it quits?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1
:( verbally abuse addict boyfriend in recovery should i stay and work on things or call it quits?
Hi guys im new here, my name is Cassie.
I am dealing with a verbally abusive addict in recovery...but i myself am also an addict in recovery who can become abusive if pushed to that point when he verbally attacks me and calls me names like c*** or tells me no ones likes me that im a terrible person and "No wonder you have no friends" Which of course isn't true he comes up with whatever he think will hurt me and uses it. And he will not back down until i am at the point of full on rage. When I've asked him to walk away from me he refuses and will say no you walk away he is very manipulative. It has gotten physical usually i will do something to him first tho...and he will retaliate.
He is also no affectionate at all...i am wondering if maybe he was sexually abused at some point or something we have next to no sex life but he has no problem watching porn...its like he'd rather do that than make love to me and that hurts me more than anything and makes me feel so incredibly insecure. I've never felt so hurt by someone an loved them too...if it was anyone else doing these things and not my partner i would hate them and delete them from my life....but it is so hard. Feelings are a bit*h and i am so confused....I just need some words of wisdom and advice on what to do...I'm heartbroken and angry...and he blames all of it on me..won't look at his own actions that if worked on could really change our whole relationship. IF only he wasnt so damn full of pride, and so testosterone fueled he would see how his words affect me and work on hos he reacts and responds to me when i need to talk to him. ...IDK anymore i have never hatd and loved someone at the same time..while also feeling so unloved and betrayed. Help...
I am dealing with a verbally abusive addict in recovery...but i myself am also an addict in recovery who can become abusive if pushed to that point when he verbally attacks me and calls me names like c*** or tells me no ones likes me that im a terrible person and "No wonder you have no friends" Which of course isn't true he comes up with whatever he think will hurt me and uses it. And he will not back down until i am at the point of full on rage. When I've asked him to walk away from me he refuses and will say no you walk away he is very manipulative. It has gotten physical usually i will do something to him first tho...and he will retaliate.
He is also no affectionate at all...i am wondering if maybe he was sexually abused at some point or something we have next to no sex life but he has no problem watching porn...its like he'd rather do that than make love to me and that hurts me more than anything and makes me feel so incredibly insecure. I've never felt so hurt by someone an loved them too...if it was anyone else doing these things and not my partner i would hate them and delete them from my life....but it is so hard. Feelings are a bit*h and i am so confused....I just need some words of wisdom and advice on what to do...I'm heartbroken and angry...and he blames all of it on me..won't look at his own actions that if worked on could really change our whole relationship. IF only he wasnt so damn full of pride, and so testosterone fueled he would see how his words affect me and work on hos he reacts and responds to me when i need to talk to him. ...IDK anymore i have never hatd and loved someone at the same time..while also feeling so unloved and betrayed. Help...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sorry to read of your troubles.
Sounds like you are in a volatile relationship. Sadly, verbal abuse is very hurtful and destructive and can progress to physical abuse....so beware.
You so don't need to be in this abusive relationship. I don't know how long you've been together or whether or not you live together. It is hard to get out of some relationships, but it sounds like that's what you need to do for your own sanity, recovery, and safety.
Sounds like you are in a volatile relationship. Sadly, verbal abuse is very hurtful and destructive and can progress to physical abuse....so beware.
You so don't need to be in this abusive relationship. I don't know how long you've been together or whether or not you live together. It is hard to get out of some relationships, but it sounds like that's what you need to do for your own sanity, recovery, and safety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
I am not sure if you are in AA or one of the 12-step groups....it sounds like you might be....I know that one of the things I was told was to focus on myself and not a relationship in early recovery.....even for the whole first year.
I think it is good advice.
And I think that if I was you I would choose me right now, and take a break from the relationship.
s ❤️
I think it is good advice.
And I think that if I was you I would choose me right now, and take a break from the relationship.
s ❤️
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Some people are just nasty and bad for us whether using/drinking or not. It doesn't matter how much you want him to change or hope he will or want him to see how much his words hurt you or want him to recover.
You can't control any of that. All you can control is how much longer you are going to put up with his abuse and stay in a non-loving and damaging relationship with no affection.
You sound quite young and have your whole life ahead of you. Even if you are 60 I'd still recommend moving on.
You can't control any of that. All you can control is how much longer you are going to put up with his abuse and stay in a non-loving and damaging relationship with no affection.
You sound quite young and have your whole life ahead of you. Even if you are 60 I'd still recommend moving on.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi Cassie,
Welcome.
I'm so glad you found us.
This is a great place where you will find lots of support.
A very wise young woman in my recovery group mentioned the other day that getting out of a relationship can be just as difficult as breaking up from our drug of choice. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but it makes sense. I mean, I had thought of in the other order - you know like how they tell you to write a break-up letter to your addiction? But I just hadn't thought of it the other way around.
So it makes sense, right? We're not healthy people. We seek out relationships with people and substances that deliver temporary really good feelings that come packaged with a whole lot of bad and damaging crap. It's not bad enough that we're doing harm to ourselves, we also allow harm to be done to ourselves. That's a whole lot of pain right there that needs to be sorted out.
I've been in relationships with people who I loved with all my heart. I could see the good person deep down inside and thought if ONLY they would let that person out and get rid of the exterior bravado or whatever, they would be so much happier and we'd be great. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. Believe me, I tried until my heart was broken and then tried some more until my spirit was broken and then tried still some more until I was pretty damn well near destroyed. With this type of guy, it never ever gets better.
I'm so sorry. It's painful and confusing and makes you second-guess yourself because it's so heart-wrenching. It's a great big mind-game he's playing, whether he means to or not. Whether he was damaged in the past or not. It's still damaging you today. And that's not ok under any circumstances. If only I could package up some of my hard-earned "wisdom" and ship it to you, I'd do it in a flash.
Bottom line?
Take care of yourself. The only way you can get better and hope to have a healthy relationship with anyone (most importantly yourself) is to sever ties with this guy. Maybe one day someday in a couple of years when you are both solidly on your feet things might be different. Honestly, I don't think so because of the way he is manipulating you, but if you need to hang on to something, put that something out in the future when you can imagine yourself well.
O
Welcome.
I'm so glad you found us.
This is a great place where you will find lots of support.
A very wise young woman in my recovery group mentioned the other day that getting out of a relationship can be just as difficult as breaking up from our drug of choice. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but it makes sense. I mean, I had thought of in the other order - you know like how they tell you to write a break-up letter to your addiction? But I just hadn't thought of it the other way around.
So it makes sense, right? We're not healthy people. We seek out relationships with people and substances that deliver temporary really good feelings that come packaged with a whole lot of bad and damaging crap. It's not bad enough that we're doing harm to ourselves, we also allow harm to be done to ourselves. That's a whole lot of pain right there that needs to be sorted out.
I've been in relationships with people who I loved with all my heart. I could see the good person deep down inside and thought if ONLY they would let that person out and get rid of the exterior bravado or whatever, they would be so much happier and we'd be great. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. Believe me, I tried until my heart was broken and then tried some more until my spirit was broken and then tried still some more until I was pretty damn well near destroyed. With this type of guy, it never ever gets better.
I'm so sorry. It's painful and confusing and makes you second-guess yourself because it's so heart-wrenching. It's a great big mind-game he's playing, whether he means to or not. Whether he was damaged in the past or not. It's still damaging you today. And that's not ok under any circumstances. If only I could package up some of my hard-earned "wisdom" and ship it to you, I'd do it in a flash.
Bottom line?
Take care of yourself. The only way you can get better and hope to have a healthy relationship with anyone (most importantly yourself) is to sever ties with this guy. Maybe one day someday in a couple of years when you are both solidly on your feet things might be different. Honestly, I don't think so because of the way he is manipulating you, but if you need to hang on to something, put that something out in the future when you can imagine yourself well.
O
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
Welcome to SR Cassie. From what you say in your opening post it does sound like it might be better for you to end the relationship. Some things just cannot be unsaid.
It is not selfish to put yourself and your recovery first in these situations because it is unrealistic to be a good partner to someone whilst being an active addict, at least in the long term that is true.
Good luck in your recovery- there is a lot of help to be found on the site.
It is not selfish to put yourself and your recovery first in these situations because it is unrealistic to be a good partner to someone whilst being an active addict, at least in the long term that is true.
Good luck in your recovery- there is a lot of help to be found on the site.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 231
Hi Cassie,
Welcome to SR. If you have someplace safe to move to (if you are living together) I would suggest you leave as soon as possible and go no contact with him.
Check out outofthefog.net for their narcissistic support forums.
My second marriage was a nightmare and my husband had borderline personality disorder and I was scared of my own shadow by the time I decided to leave. I should have left much earlier, but I loved him and wanted to help him and the abuse (not physical) nearly broke me.
I hope you stick around here :-)
P.S. I hope it is not a violation of forum rules/policies to suggest that other support forum.
Welcome to SR. If you have someplace safe to move to (if you are living together) I would suggest you leave as soon as possible and go no contact with him.
Check out outofthefog.net for their narcissistic support forums.
My second marriage was a nightmare and my husband had borderline personality disorder and I was scared of my own shadow by the time I decided to leave. I should have left much earlier, but I loved him and wanted to help him and the abuse (not physical) nearly broke me.
I hope you stick around here :-)
P.S. I hope it is not a violation of forum rules/policies to suggest that other support forum.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
You don't deserve that treatment. Addiction sucks. I ruined many relationships with my drinking. I wasn't abusive, but just a pass out on the floor type drunk. My ex didn't take seriously if I told her to 'F off' because she knew the sober me. You have tons of friends now LynVamp!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by LynnVamp715 
IF only he wasnt so damn full of pride, and so testosterone fueled he would see how his words affect me and work on hos he reacts and responds to me when i need to talk to him. ...IDK anymore i have never hatd and loved someone at the same time..while also feeling so unloved and betrayed. Help...
I can tell you with a great degree of confidence that there are millions of men just like your boyfriend. Just ask around.
It can be very frustrating playing Mr. Potato Head with a real person.
Serenity Now!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 112
i was the bad boyfriend, drinking, not paying much attention to her. then it got worse and i was in and out of the emerg, a buch of times.
in then end she broke up with me and i really dont blame her, now i can really work on myself. she also wanted marriage and kids both of which i had no interest in.
in then end she broke up with me and i really dont blame her, now i can really work on myself. she also wanted marriage and kids both of which i had no interest in.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Dearest Cassie, you need to get out of that situation. The names he calls you and the way he talks to you are the first acts of abuse, but not the last. It is only a short bridge to worse kinds of abuse. You are a fully formed person with value and nobody should ever talk to you like that. Be safe and proceed cautiously, but get out of that.
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