Things got wild!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Things got wild!
Wow wow wow!! What an interesting day. I swear. I think I say everyday that nothing could shock me. Then I get proven wrong. Lol.
So the morning started out fairly good. Sleep in. When we all got up. AH was sobered up from last night. We talked about what we were gonna do today. He said let’s please be nice to each other today. I said ok. I can as long as you can. Decided we were gonna go to town and do the things we were gonna do yesterday and didn’t get to. We all got ready. Almost out of the door. And his phone rings. No big deal. He takes the call. One of his buddies from work. He walks outside. Which means he’s walking to his building where he hides liquor. Seriously he was gone 5 mins. Next thing he stumbles through the door. And asked if we were ready. He was again trashed. I of course was furious. Cause last night I said to him I didn’t wanna go with him if he was drunk. I said let me use the bathroom first. Went in shut the door and took some deep breathes. Thought you can do this. Just breath. It’s ok. Walked out of the bathroom. And he popped off some smart a** comment. Like you better never f’n do that to me again. I said what??? He shot me an evil look and walked out the door to the car. I went to. Kids in the back. And the whole time I kept thinking why are you going. You said you weren’t gonna go with him drunk. But the kids were hungry we were gonna go eat a late lunch. Started out the driveway and I popped my knuckle. Bad habit I have. I do it all the time. Don’t even realize I do it. But I do. He hates it. And he popped off another mean comment. I really don’t even know what he said. But then he did his hand like he was making fun of me. Or something. Again I don’t know. He’s so dumb and random. And I stopped in the middle of the driveway. And put the car in reverse and said I’m not going. I can’t do this. And backed up. And parked and got out. Something came over me that I have never done. I had just had enough. I walked inside. He followed. And said what are you doing. I said I told you I’m not going anywhere with you drunk. He said I’m not drunk. Blah blah blah. And I exploded. He exploded. Said he would just drive without me. I said you can go but my kids aren’t going with you. He said they will go wherever I tell them. I said you put them in your car and I promise I will call the cops. He then says he will call a ride from somewhere else. And then went and just sat in my car with the kids in the back. He made them feel guilty if they wanted to get out. Said they were abandoning him. My daughter finally came in. Clearly upset. I said to her as soon as it was safe he would leave. Then my son and husband came in. My son snuck around and told me he had called his sister to come get them to take them to the store. From here it just gets better. His sister shows up. I sat on the couch very nicely. He of course pulled himself together. And looked like the perfect husband/father. She comes in and asked if they were ready. My son is super excited because they are going to get him some stuff For him. My daughter looks at me and says I don’t want to go. I say to her. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. My sister in law kept telling her to go they would have fun. I said in a stern voice. If she don’t want to go she doesn’t have to. And then she points her finger at me and says that I am the problem. I’m trying to turn my daughter against her dad. Omg!!! I flipped my lid. I mean really. I had an out of body experience. I lost all control of my mouth. And I mean all control. I cussed her and my AH out. I took my daughter by the arm and put her in the car. He had my son. Which he is 14. But I left. I left with my daughter. I’m a terrible mom. I left my son there. But I know he will be ok. I’ve been in contact with him. They went with my sister in law. And I told my son I will be to get him as soon as they get back. If he has to sneak out when his dad goes to sleep. Please don’t bash me for leaving him. Me and my daughter went to a hotel and checked in. And I’m waiting on my son to let me know when he gets home.
I just can’t believe this has happened. What in the world.
So the morning started out fairly good. Sleep in. When we all got up. AH was sobered up from last night. We talked about what we were gonna do today. He said let’s please be nice to each other today. I said ok. I can as long as you can. Decided we were gonna go to town and do the things we were gonna do yesterday and didn’t get to. We all got ready. Almost out of the door. And his phone rings. No big deal. He takes the call. One of his buddies from work. He walks outside. Which means he’s walking to his building where he hides liquor. Seriously he was gone 5 mins. Next thing he stumbles through the door. And asked if we were ready. He was again trashed. I of course was furious. Cause last night I said to him I didn’t wanna go with him if he was drunk. I said let me use the bathroom first. Went in shut the door and took some deep breathes. Thought you can do this. Just breath. It’s ok. Walked out of the bathroom. And he popped off some smart a** comment. Like you better never f’n do that to me again. I said what??? He shot me an evil look and walked out the door to the car. I went to. Kids in the back. And the whole time I kept thinking why are you going. You said you weren’t gonna go with him drunk. But the kids were hungry we were gonna go eat a late lunch. Started out the driveway and I popped my knuckle. Bad habit I have. I do it all the time. Don’t even realize I do it. But I do. He hates it. And he popped off another mean comment. I really don’t even know what he said. But then he did his hand like he was making fun of me. Or something. Again I don’t know. He’s so dumb and random. And I stopped in the middle of the driveway. And put the car in reverse and said I’m not going. I can’t do this. And backed up. And parked and got out. Something came over me that I have never done. I had just had enough. I walked inside. He followed. And said what are you doing. I said I told you I’m not going anywhere with you drunk. He said I’m not drunk. Blah blah blah. And I exploded. He exploded. Said he would just drive without me. I said you can go but my kids aren’t going with you. He said they will go wherever I tell them. I said you put them in your car and I promise I will call the cops. He then says he will call a ride from somewhere else. And then went and just sat in my car with the kids in the back. He made them feel guilty if they wanted to get out. Said they were abandoning him. My daughter finally came in. Clearly upset. I said to her as soon as it was safe he would leave. Then my son and husband came in. My son snuck around and told me he had called his sister to come get them to take them to the store. From here it just gets better. His sister shows up. I sat on the couch very nicely. He of course pulled himself together. And looked like the perfect husband/father. She comes in and asked if they were ready. My son is super excited because they are going to get him some stuff For him. My daughter looks at me and says I don’t want to go. I say to her. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. My sister in law kept telling her to go they would have fun. I said in a stern voice. If she don’t want to go she doesn’t have to. And then she points her finger at me and says that I am the problem. I’m trying to turn my daughter against her dad. Omg!!! I flipped my lid. I mean really. I had an out of body experience. I lost all control of my mouth. And I mean all control. I cussed her and my AH out. I took my daughter by the arm and put her in the car. He had my son. Which he is 14. But I left. I left with my daughter. I’m a terrible mom. I left my son there. But I know he will be ok. I’ve been in contact with him. They went with my sister in law. And I told my son I will be to get him as soon as they get back. If he has to sneak out when his dad goes to sleep. Please don’t bash me for leaving him. Me and my daughter went to a hotel and checked in. And I’m waiting on my son to let me know when he gets home.
I just can’t believe this has happened. What in the world.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
What just happened is you have had enough.
You did the right thing.
In no way is it ever ok for someone to threaten you like that, like taking the kids in the car when he has obviously been drinking.
And who is this Sister to say anything to you about your marriage? It would be one thing if anyone had asked her opinion, it's totally another for her to walk in to your house and start to berate you, in front of your children no less. Totally wrong.
You did the brave thing, you left him and his Sister, so good for them, they can back each other up and you don't have to listen to it.
clowery, is there some place you can go to longer term? Friends, family an airbnb or rental?
(oh and no bashing at all, you know the drill at your place more than anyone, you wouldn't have left him if you didn't feel he was safe).
You did the right thing.
In no way is it ever ok for someone to threaten you like that, like taking the kids in the car when he has obviously been drinking.
And who is this Sister to say anything to you about your marriage? It would be one thing if anyone had asked her opinion, it's totally another for her to walk in to your house and start to berate you, in front of your children no less. Totally wrong.
You did the brave thing, you left him and his Sister, so good for them, they can back each other up and you don't have to listen to it.
clowery, is there some place you can go to longer term? Friends, family an airbnb or rental?
(oh and no bashing at all, you know the drill at your place more than anyone, you wouldn't have left him if you didn't feel he was safe).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I am so sorry for what you are going through, it just sucks!! They always say you can see a crazy alcoholic home from the crazy sober spouse. Its amazing how crazy we become and they are the addicts, but we lose our cool.
So my friend, what's the plan? It truly is not healthy for you or your kids to be living in this home and you can't stay in a hotel for ever.
So my friend, what's the plan? It truly is not healthy for you or your kids to be living in this home and you can't stay in a hotel for ever.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by maia1234 
I am so sorry for what you are going through, it just sucks!! They always say you can see a crazy alcoholic home from the crazy sober spouse. Its amazing how crazy we become and they are the addicts, but we lose our cool.
So my friend, what's the plan? It truly is not healthy for you or your kids to be living in this home and you can't stay in a hotel for ever.
So my friend, what's the plan? It truly is not healthy for you or your kids to be living in this home and you can't stay in a hotel for ever.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi clowery,
I'm sorry for the terrible day you had. No judgments on not taking your son. You did what was best at the time. You had to get out of there before things escalated further. You knew you son was going to be ok and your would get him later.
I'm not sure what lies he has spun with his sister and the rest of his family, but as you know alcoholics can be convincing with their lies. She still had no right to point any fingers at you.
So right now just try and rest and take some deep breaths. I'm sure this is not the way you wanted to start the new year. But if it only takes a phone call from one of his buddies to make him go grab a drink instead of spending time with his family, you have to start making a plan. I know you want to keep the family together, but that would mean he needs to make a plan to get better and admit he has a problem and get help. It doesn't sound like he wants to do that.
Just know that I am praying for you and kids. I hope tomorrow is better for you and you can find a little happiness to start the year off. Keep being strong,
I'm sorry for the terrible day you had. No judgments on not taking your son. You did what was best at the time. You had to get out of there before things escalated further. You knew you son was going to be ok and your would get him later.
I'm not sure what lies he has spun with his sister and the rest of his family, but as you know alcoholics can be convincing with their lies. She still had no right to point any fingers at you.
So right now just try and rest and take some deep breaths. I'm sure this is not the way you wanted to start the new year. But if it only takes a phone call from one of his buddies to make him go grab a drink instead of spending time with his family, you have to start making a plan. I know you want to keep the family together, but that would mean he needs to make a plan to get better and admit he has a problem and get help. It doesn't sound like he wants to do that.
Just know that I am praying for you and kids. I hope tomorrow is better for you and you can find a little happiness to start the year off. Keep being strong,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
It is not easy living with an addict. My exah would leave every weekend to go play. One weekend, I literally dragged everything up from my basement and put it in the garage, stating that I was selling everything, and we were getting a divorce. Two years later, I actually followed through. I was bat shxt crazy. Ugh!!
Another avenue that you need to consider, I believe alcoholism is in our kids DNA. Your kids are predisposed to this horrific disease. The more they see and around it, I feel they are more predisposed to it. The sooner you all can get out of the home is better. Go to the adult children of alcoholics forum here and see how the majority of those kids (adults now), wished that the sober parent didn't stay together for the "kids", they wished the sober parent would have gotten the hxll out. Educate, Educate and Educate yourself regarding this disease.
Once you start determining your next phase in life, people will pick sides. This shouldn't be a factor, of course his family will choose him. You need to get your stuff put together. Make copies of all documents that you might need in the future. Start putting money aside and open another bank account. If you haven't already, reach out to a divorce attorney and educate yourself on your future. Usually the first visits are free. Divorce takes a long time, so just educating yourself does not mean you are filing. Education is what you need, time is not a factor. Have a bag of stuff ready in your car in case he is drunk and obnoxious again and you can leave. My kids were off at college so during the end of my craziness I would get up in the middle of the night when he wouldn't leave me alone and sleep in my car, just to get away from him, did that over a dozen times. You can't do that, but you need to empower yourself and be proactive. Maybe come out of the closet to a friend (safe house) that you can leave the home if you need to even in the middle of the night. Just being proactive and not reactive to your current situation.
Work on a long term plan and an emergency plan. It will fall into place in time, and when you are ready and can follow through. Hugs my friend, many here have walked in your shoes, have survived and are thriving. 2020 is a New Year for New Births!! You got this!!
It is not easy living with an addict. My exah would leave every weekend to go play. One weekend, I literally dragged everything up from my basement and put it in the garage, stating that I was selling everything, and we were getting a divorce. Two years later, I actually followed through. I was bat shxt crazy. Ugh!!
Another avenue that you need to consider, I believe alcoholism is in our kids DNA. Your kids are predisposed to this horrific disease. The more they see and around it, I feel they are more predisposed to it. The sooner you all can get out of the home is better. Go to the adult children of alcoholics forum here and see how the majority of those kids (adults now), wished that the sober parent didn't stay together for the "kids", they wished the sober parent would have gotten the hxll out. Educate, Educate and Educate yourself regarding this disease.
Once you start determining your next phase in life, people will pick sides. This shouldn't be a factor, of course his family will choose him. You need to get your stuff put together. Make copies of all documents that you might need in the future. Start putting money aside and open another bank account. If you haven't already, reach out to a divorce attorney and educate yourself on your future. Usually the first visits are free. Divorce takes a long time, so just educating yourself does not mean you are filing. Education is what you need, time is not a factor. Have a bag of stuff ready in your car in case he is drunk and obnoxious again and you can leave. My kids were off at college so during the end of my craziness I would get up in the middle of the night when he wouldn't leave me alone and sleep in my car, just to get away from him, did that over a dozen times. You can't do that, but you need to empower yourself and be proactive. Maybe come out of the closet to a friend (safe house) that you can leave the home if you need to even in the middle of the night. Just being proactive and not reactive to your current situation.
Work on a long term plan and an emergency plan. It will fall into place in time, and when you are ready and can follow through. Hugs my friend, many here have walked in your shoes, have survived and are thriving. 2020 is a New Year for New Births!! You got this!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 70
Good for you and, yes, living with an alcoholic is crazy-making. 
It sounds like your AH called a different enabler when you refused to be one. So - again - good for you (and shame on your SIL for interfering in your marriage and for enabling her alcoholic brother).
If you can (and its hard), try next to just repeat your mantra over and over and not get emotional or have outbursts. That'll really start sending a message that you've had it. "I said X .. you did Y. I'm done - see ya." Rinse and repeat.
Just be prepared - I kept hoping that he would 'get it' ... he never did. Sometimes you just got to protect yourself - and that's more than okay.
It sounds like your AH called a different enabler when you refused to be one. So - again - good for you (and shame on your SIL for interfering in your marriage and for enabling her alcoholic brother).If you can (and its hard), try next to just repeat your mantra over and over and not get emotional or have outbursts. That'll really start sending a message that you've had it. "I said X .. you did Y. I'm done - see ya." Rinse and repeat.
Just be prepared - I kept hoping that he would 'get it' ... he never did. Sometimes you just got to protect yourself - and that's more than okay.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
No judgement here, you did what you had to do in the heat of the moment. This is not your fault! You were right to stand your ground. Good for you! AH just proved your not crazy by calling his sister to drive them. Why else would he do that unless he was drinking. I do think it’s time to sit down with your kids and have an open and honest talk about what is going on. While your AH is gone the next few days would be perfect. No need to dad bash, just the facts and to open a dialogue with kids about their feelings and input. It’s very important that they feel they have a voice.
Please start getting your ducks in a row. If AH won’t leave you need to plan, plan, plan. Remember you don’t have to wait for the next “shoe to drop” you need no excuse other then your leaving NOW
Please be safe and check in when you can
Please start getting your ducks in a row. If AH won’t leave you need to plan, plan, plan. Remember you don’t have to wait for the next “shoe to drop” you need no excuse other then your leaving NOW
Please be safe and check in when you can
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
His sister called me last night. And she had spent the whole evening with him. And he wasn’t drinking. So in her eyes he was wonderful. So calm and was so upset that this had happened. She said he admitted that he needed help with his drinking. And knew he needed to stop. This is what he said to her.
then he calls me. I’m sorry this has happened. I love you. And I don’t want any of this. I’m really really sorry. It doesn’t have to be like this. You get so upset if I take one sip. You don’t have to do that. If you would just calm down things would be ok. Think about how I feel. You act crazy. Which makes me crazy. And then things spiral out of control. So nothing he said to his sister he said to me. Nothing about willing to get help.
and she has in turn flipped it all on me. She has completely forgotten everything he’s done. She’s called me several times after he’s came to her house stirring up trouble. She came to my house unannounced one time and he got mad and threatened to throw a jar of mustard through her windshield. But I’m the crazy one. Well I was crazy yesterday when she pointed her finger at me and butted into my marriage and kids I did get crazy. I told them I was leaving and she said you can’t leave my car is behind you. You aren’t going anywhere. And I said move your car or I’ll move it for you. As I went out the door. And her reply was if you touch my car I’ll blow your f’n brains out. Needless to say she moved her car. And I still have my brains. I know his family will choose his side but they have no business jumping in mine and telling me what I need to do with my kids. That’s not gonna happen. Oh before I left my ah told his sister she needed to pull me through the window and beat my a**.
i know I acted crazy. But you can do whatever you want to me. But when you mess with my kids. That’s a different story.
then he calls me. I’m sorry this has happened. I love you. And I don’t want any of this. I’m really really sorry. It doesn’t have to be like this. You get so upset if I take one sip. You don’t have to do that. If you would just calm down things would be ok. Think about how I feel. You act crazy. Which makes me crazy. And then things spiral out of control. So nothing he said to his sister he said to me. Nothing about willing to get help.
and she has in turn flipped it all on me. She has completely forgotten everything he’s done. She’s called me several times after he’s came to her house stirring up trouble. She came to my house unannounced one time and he got mad and threatened to throw a jar of mustard through her windshield. But I’m the crazy one. Well I was crazy yesterday when she pointed her finger at me and butted into my marriage and kids I did get crazy. I told them I was leaving and she said you can’t leave my car is behind you. You aren’t going anywhere. And I said move your car or I’ll move it for you. As I went out the door. And her reply was if you touch my car I’ll blow your f’n brains out. Needless to say she moved her car. And I still have my brains. I know his family will choose his side but they have no business jumping in mine and telling me what I need to do with my kids. That’s not gonna happen. Oh before I left my ah told his sister she needed to pull me through the window and beat my a**.
i know I acted crazy. But you can do whatever you want to me. But when you mess with my kids. That’s a different story.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
Yes they make you act crazy but try and remember that your kids are "watching" all of this. Engaging in crazy is just not fun. Everyone knows your husband is an addict, you, his sister, his family and your kids, as this is not debatable. It is what you are going to do, when respond to your addict, is what matters. I use to have a motto, when in doubt, don't. Try to stop and breath a moment before you engage with crazy, take that deep breath and just walk away. You can't be perfect, but even trying it once, makes you proud.
He doesn't have an issue with is drinking, you do. So its not something that he needs to work on since its "not his problem", its yours. I tried for 34 years to convince my axh that he had a problem. Once I accepted Gods plan for my addict, that he was born this way and not my power to change him, my life changed. God doesn't make mistakes, so why is it my right to change him to who I want him to become. I use to have a saying at my desk stating something like "God doesn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who seeks his help". Once I accepted this, my life changed. I had other purposes in life, like self care and focusing on the well being of my children.
Step back, accept that you have done the best that you can with the crazy life you have been dealt. Try and seek a little peace and serenity for 2020.
Yes they make you act crazy but try and remember that your kids are "watching" all of this. Engaging in crazy is just not fun. Everyone knows your husband is an addict, you, his sister, his family and your kids, as this is not debatable. It is what you are going to do, when respond to your addict, is what matters. I use to have a motto, when in doubt, don't. Try to stop and breath a moment before you engage with crazy, take that deep breath and just walk away. You can't be perfect, but even trying it once, makes you proud.
He doesn't have an issue with is drinking, you do. So its not something that he needs to work on since its "not his problem", its yours. I tried for 34 years to convince my axh that he had a problem. Once I accepted Gods plan for my addict, that he was born this way and not my power to change him, my life changed. God doesn't make mistakes, so why is it my right to change him to who I want him to become. I use to have a saying at my desk stating something like "God doesn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who seeks his help". Once I accepted this, my life changed. I had other purposes in life, like self care and focusing on the well being of my children.
Step back, accept that you have done the best that you can with the crazy life you have been dealt. Try and seek a little peace and serenity for 2020.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
I know it is easy for me to say but I wouldn’t put a lot of credence in what he or his family has to say. I read a few of your most recent posts and sounds like everything is coming to a head. I was very angry at the end and realized how unhappy I was and I had to leave. I know you mentioned in one of your posts you don’t have the means to leave. Do you have any family you can stay with for a while? At least he will be gone for a few days to figure out you and your children’s best options.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by maia1234
C,
Yes they make you act crazy but try and remember that your kids are "watching" all of this. Engaging in crazy is just not fun. Everyone knows your husband is an addict, you, his sister, his family and your kids, as this is not debatable. It is what you are going to do, when respond to your addict, is what matters. I use to have a motto, when in doubt, don't. Try to stop and breath a moment before you engage with crazy, take that deep breath and just walk away. You can't be perfect, but even trying it once, makes you proud.
He doesn't have an issue with is drinking, you do. So its not something that he needs to work on since its "not his problem", its yours. I tried for 34 years to convince my axh that he had a problem. Once I accepted Gods plan for my addict, that he was born this way and not my power to change him, my life changed. God doesn't make mistakes, so why is it my right to change him to who I want him to become. I use to have a saying at my desk stating something like "God doesn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who seeks his help". Once I accepted this, my life changed. I had other purposes in life, like self care and focusing on the well being of my children.
Step back, accept that you have done the best that you can with the crazy life you have been dealt. Try and seek a little peace and serenity for 2020.
Yes they make you act crazy but try and remember that your kids are "watching" all of this. Engaging in crazy is just not fun. Everyone knows your husband is an addict, you, his sister, his family and your kids, as this is not debatable. It is what you are going to do, when respond to your addict, is what matters. I use to have a motto, when in doubt, don't. Try to stop and breath a moment before you engage with crazy, take that deep breath and just walk away. You can't be perfect, but even trying it once, makes you proud.
He doesn't have an issue with is drinking, you do. So its not something that he needs to work on since its "not his problem", its yours. I tried for 34 years to convince my axh that he had a problem. Once I accepted Gods plan for my addict, that he was born this way and not my power to change him, my life changed. God doesn't make mistakes, so why is it my right to change him to who I want him to become. I use to have a saying at my desk stating something like "God doesn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who seeks his help". Once I accepted this, my life changed. I had other purposes in life, like self care and focusing on the well being of my children.
Step back, accept that you have done the best that you can with the crazy life you have been dealt. Try and seek a little peace and serenity for 2020.
maia1234
this is great advice. And I guess never looked at it this way. For many years. The only friend that knew my situation. Would say to me how to you deal with this. And I would do this or I would do that. And I couldn’t take it. And my reply was always. I’m just praying. God will take care of this. I know God can. But I have stopped that. I quit praying. I quit. I still go through the motions. I go to church every time the doors are open. But I am so empty inside. I sit there and block everything out. I just go because I know that’s what I’m supposed to do. (Not what everyone is supposed to do. Me)
When we got married he started drinking heavy. My son was 1 year old and I was struggling with his drinking. And I went to church one day. And soon after my husband came to. We both made things right with the Lord. And he completely quit drinking. Stopped for 3 years. And things were fabulous. I felt. I enjoyed him. I felt like he enjoyed me. I was so happy. And we had some hurt with someone in church. We left the church we attended and that’s when it all started. And he hasn’t let up since. This has been about 5 years. I have always just been very passive with everything. I could distract the kids. Or it would be time for bed. And I could always just deal with it. His drinking has gotten worse. But I have to. My kids have gotten older. They can’t just go off to bed now. And I can’t hide it like I once did. And I’ve just got so discouraged and down. I really don’t care anymore. But I gotta get out of that where I react badly. You are right. My therapist told me this too. And I really tried for a while. And I have fell right back into it.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Clowery, do you have a plan about what to do now? It sounds like things are getting out of control, and that's becoming so detrimental for the kids. I'm not saying it's your fault; apart from the fact he was drinking, he had no right to bring his sister around. But you are snapping at the bait as well, not that I blame you, but if he's going to provoke you like that it might be best to get out for good. The kids must be under a terrible strain at the moment.
Your AH is not changing any time soon and he's not going back to that sweet sober guy you loved. He is still blaming your reaction to his drinking as causing him to drink - typical A logic. OK he said to his sister that he needed help, but has he actually done anything?
I think it's best that you don't engage with the SIL at all, or the rest of his family. I'm sure you want them to think well of you, but you can't win with in-laws, they are always going to stick with their blood relative.
Your AH is not changing any time soon and he's not going back to that sweet sober guy you loved. He is still blaming your reaction to his drinking as causing him to drink - typical A logic. OK he said to his sister that he needed help, but has he actually done anything?
I think it's best that you don't engage with the SIL at all, or the rest of his family. I'm sure you want them to think well of you, but you can't win with in-laws, they are always going to stick with their blood relative.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
They thrive and distract when you go crazy, they provoke you. Then you get away from the actual issue (the drinking) and it becomes something else. This is alcoholism 101, as you are no different then any other person on this forum reacting to your life's situations. As I said, I did it for 34 years hoping for a different result. (wash, rinse, repeat) The only one in life we can change is ourselves and how we deal with things.
We do better when we know better. That's why when seeking a therapist it is best to go to one that deals with addiction, as they have first hand knowledge of what life is all about with an addict.
You are doing great!! Learn not to engage and walk away, your life will become more peaceful (for you) not sure about him.
They thrive and distract when you go crazy, they provoke you. Then you get away from the actual issue (the drinking) and it becomes something else. This is alcoholism 101, as you are no different then any other person on this forum reacting to your life's situations. As I said, I did it for 34 years hoping for a different result. (wash, rinse, repeat) The only one in life we can change is ourselves and how we deal with things.
We do better when we know better. That's why when seeking a therapist it is best to go to one that deals with addiction, as they have first hand knowledge of what life is all about with an addict.
You are doing great!! Learn not to engage and walk away, your life will become more peaceful (for you) not sure about him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
I know I have let them all provoke me into losing my cool. And then it turns into why are you so crazy?!?!? Lol. I know I have got to stop that. And In the past I did. I sat there and took it and never said anything. And now I jump back. And things do get bad. I know all this. I just can’t stop it. When someone is bashing you. And saying such bad things about you. I just wanna defend myself. I know it makes it worse. I know all this. I just can’t control it anymore.
my plan is nothing at this moment. He is leaving town until Sunday. So in that time. I can go home. And get myself and my kids together and talk with them. And together get us a plan. That’s all I know.
and with his family. I know they will choose his side. I know all these things. I know this. But I just keep thinking things will be different. I know that’s dumb. I read everything everyone says on here. And it hits home. So much. I just keep falling into this crazy trap. I guess just like his sister did. I get wooed too
my plan is nothing at this moment. He is leaving town until Sunday. So in that time. I can go home. And get myself and my kids together and talk with them. And together get us a plan. That’s all I know.
and with his family. I know they will choose his side. I know all these things. I know this. But I just keep thinking things will be different. I know that’s dumb. I read everything everyone says on here. And it hits home. So much. I just keep falling into this crazy trap. I guess just like his sister did. I get wooed too
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
clowery, I'm sorry that things got so upsetting that you snapped. I've been there. I have several stories just like the one you just told us. I hated when that would happen. That wasn't the woman I wanted to be, I didn't even feel like ME when that would happen. But if I hadn't let off some of that steam, I truly would have gone insane. Living with an active alcoholic who lies to your face and turns everything around on you is indeed crazy making.
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie ? It's an easy read and is full of helpful guidance on managing our own lives while dealing with an addicted loved one. There is a strong emphasis on boundaries that really helped me move forward in my life in a far healthier way. I highly suggest you read this book or listen to the audio version if you aren't a "reader". It changed my life for the better.
I'd like to congratulate you for sticking to your boundary! You stepped a foot over the line a bit by getting in the car, but when you put that vehicle in reverse and refused to go with him to town you stood your ground. This is excellent. I know it doesn't feel excellent, because it snow balled into a huge blow out of a fight... but you did the RIGHT thing by sticking to your boundary. You flexed your boundary muscle, this is only going to help make you stronger. Keep it up!
My first real boundary was " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking"
That meant I would not argue, blame, cry, plead, joke, rage, laugh... I plain refused to deal with him when he was drunk or drinking. He HATED it. I would simply say things like, "I wont discuss this with you right now" and go about my business. OH YES.. he would try to push the envelope.. he tried all the same tactics to get me to engage (like yell, cry, plead, laugh etc) trying to find the way to push my buttons and I just wouldn't. It took away his power to control my moods and gave it back to me. It was a life saver. A sanity saver. Eventually that boundary grew to something much bigger and stronger ( "I will not live with active addiction in my life") but it was a good start.
It's pretty impossible to have meaningful conversations with a drunk, even when they haven't been drinking. Their brains are pickled.
I am sorry your in laws feel they have a right to have an opinion on your marriage. It's pretty awful the way they speak about such violence as well. If there is any chance any of that talk is for real, please take precautions to protect yourself. Mature adults don't talk about blowing your head off or kicking your @ss... that's so very immature. But you know what? They were raised in an alcoholic home so they behave as such. Like alcoholics and codependents. It's a horrendous cycle that goes on from generation to generation until someone finds the strength to break it. I know this because I was raised in this cycle, and so were my children.... because my dad and his parents were too. It's just so sick and so damn sad.
I hope you have a better day today. Take lots of deep breaths. Maybe buy yourself a new book
Hang in there, stay strong.
*hug*
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie ? It's an easy read and is full of helpful guidance on managing our own lives while dealing with an addicted loved one. There is a strong emphasis on boundaries that really helped me move forward in my life in a far healthier way. I highly suggest you read this book or listen to the audio version if you aren't a "reader". It changed my life for the better.
I'd like to congratulate you for sticking to your boundary! You stepped a foot over the line a bit by getting in the car, but when you put that vehicle in reverse and refused to go with him to town you stood your ground. This is excellent. I know it doesn't feel excellent, because it snow balled into a huge blow out of a fight... but you did the RIGHT thing by sticking to your boundary. You flexed your boundary muscle, this is only going to help make you stronger. Keep it up!
My first real boundary was " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking"
That meant I would not argue, blame, cry, plead, joke, rage, laugh... I plain refused to deal with him when he was drunk or drinking. He HATED it. I would simply say things like, "I wont discuss this with you right now" and go about my business. OH YES.. he would try to push the envelope.. he tried all the same tactics to get me to engage (like yell, cry, plead, laugh etc) trying to find the way to push my buttons and I just wouldn't. It took away his power to control my moods and gave it back to me. It was a life saver. A sanity saver. Eventually that boundary grew to something much bigger and stronger ( "I will not live with active addiction in my life") but it was a good start.
It's pretty impossible to have meaningful conversations with a drunk, even when they haven't been drinking. Their brains are pickled.
I am sorry your in laws feel they have a right to have an opinion on your marriage. It's pretty awful the way they speak about such violence as well. If there is any chance any of that talk is for real, please take precautions to protect yourself. Mature adults don't talk about blowing your head off or kicking your @ss... that's so very immature. But you know what? They were raised in an alcoholic home so they behave as such. Like alcoholics and codependents. It's a horrendous cycle that goes on from generation to generation until someone finds the strength to break it. I know this because I was raised in this cycle, and so were my children.... because my dad and his parents were too. It's just so sick and so damn sad.
I hope you have a better day today. Take lots of deep breaths. Maybe buy yourself a new book
Hang in there, stay strong.
*hug*
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by clowery0508
But I gotta get out of that where I react badly. You are right. My therapist told me this too. And I really tried for a while. And I have fell right back into it.
Engaging with him and with his Sister is hurting you.
Ideally you don't really need her in your life do you? She is his enabler and is not your friend.
It's just dandy that she sits there while he pours out his tale of woe. How he knows he needs to stop drinking and he's so hurt and blah blah blah. She has her emotions engaged and then causes trouble for everyone then gets in her little car and drives off home, leaving all this drama in her wake.
Sound like anyone else you know?
He is a product of this family. They will protect him. Just like you remember him as a great guy in the 3 years he was sober, they remember him as a child and how cute he was and how he brought home his first report card etc etc. So there is a lot of emotion on their side too, they are reacting (just as you are).
The thinking probably goes something like "Look at that clowery, why does she insist on giving him a hard time when she knows he's been drinking". Instead of, "he needs to quit drinking and look after his family". See how that works?
And they are a bit upset with you and the Sister has taken her gloves off and it's war now and the children are witnessing all this and you lose your cool and engage with him.
Who is at the middle of this tornado? He is. How is he doing. Well just fine thank you. You're upset, the kids are upset his family is upset - he will have another beer tyvm.
Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only thing that's changing here is his alcoholism is progressing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 70
yes, that's what happens. We want things to be okay - for a whole variety of reasons - so we allow ourselves to be wooed. Happened to me for years as well.
I eventually had to just stop listening and talking to my AH (now my ex-AH) and started working on myself. It really helped me start to things clearly and how much damage he was doing to me emotionally (and not even realizing it). The relationship was very unhealthy. When I paid attention to what he did instead of what he said ... well, then things became very, very clear. He wasn't really doing anything - just saying he was and trying to persuade me that he was doing 'all this work.'
I'd think hard about what you want him to do; it doesn't matter what he says ... just what he does. If he his actions don't result in the change you need to be safe in your marriage ... then you've got some tough decisions to make.
I eventually had to just stop listening and talking to my AH (now my ex-AH) and started working on myself. It really helped me start to things clearly and how much damage he was doing to me emotionally (and not even realizing it). The relationship was very unhealthy. When I paid attention to what he did instead of what he said ... well, then things became very, very clear. He wasn't really doing anything - just saying he was and trying to persuade me that he was doing 'all this work.'
I'd think hard about what you want him to do; it doesn't matter what he says ... just what he does. If he his actions don't result in the change you need to be safe in your marriage ... then you've got some tough decisions to make.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
Don't be so hard on yourself. It is normal to lash back at them, but is it getting you anywhere?
Someone on this forum said to me years ago when I was trying to force my opinion on my addict.... "when you are talking to a drunk (or stubborn family members) you are speaking two different languages, you don't understand him and he doesn't understand you. (easy peasy) Don't waste your breath trying to defend yourself or actions, he will not understand or get it.
Education is Power!!
Peace and Serenity for 2020!!!
Don't be so hard on yourself. It is normal to lash back at them, but is it getting you anywhere?
Someone on this forum said to me years ago when I was trying to force my opinion on my addict.... "when you are talking to a drunk (or stubborn family members) you are speaking two different languages, you don't understand him and he doesn't understand you. (easy peasy) Don't waste your breath trying to defend yourself or actions, he will not understand or get it.
Education is Power!!
Peace and Serenity for 2020!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
