leanabeana

I met my boyfriend in rehab (not recommended) and he stayed sober for a year. I'm 19 months sober myself. For the past 7 months, he binges every 2-3 weeks. It's a pattern I can't relate to because I was a daily drinker.

He keeps promising to stop but he isn't going to meetings or working on his recovery at all. He used to go to meetings at least once a week but he never had a sponsor.

I don't feel like my sobriety is threatened, but I worry about him. He gets completely obliterated. The last time he drank, he feel really hard and peed himself. He was barely embarrassed when I pointed that out to him. His ex-wife used to take videos of him and show them to him the next day, but I don't want to do that.

I know I need Al-Anon but there are no local meetings that work with my schedule. I need to learn to be less invested in his sobriety, but I worry he will fall and hit his head or get behind the wheel when I'm not around. I don't know what to do.

Thanks.

Abandoned80

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you. What Alanon taught me is I'm powerless over people, places and things, that there is nothing I can say or do that will keep another alcoholic from drinking. So, in short, there's nothing you can do but help yourself stay sober. Keep the focus on your own recovery. A big hug.

AnvilheadII

buy him a drinking helmet?

i'm sure you DO worry, but i'm also sure there really isn't anything you can do or say that will CHANGE his mind. work on detaching and distance. and keep your program rock solid. invite him to join you at any meeting, but don't participate in his drinking adventures. over time you may decide you two are living incompatible lifestyles.

trailmix

Hi and welcome.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

There is really nothing you can do. One thing that might be helpful to you is realizing this isn't a "relapse" he is in active addiction.

I know that probably seems like a small thing at this point but as you know it's really important to call it what it is and also to not make excuses for his behaviour.

Really all you can do is make the decision to stay or leave. If you choose to stay then really you need to accept him just the way he is (and just the way you are with that). He is an addict and is drinking and that may not be changing anytime soon.

Really sorry how this turned out for you and congratulations on your own sobriety.

Al Anon would be a really good idea, to learn some coping strategies if you are going to stay in particular. They offer online and phone meetings as well which might be more convenient for you:

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

leanabeana

Thanks everyone. Very good advice.

He was able to go to a football game yesterday without drinking or smoking weed, which is a big deal for him. I'm hoping this is a good sign, but my hopes have been dashed before. His drinking doesn't seem to follow a recognizable pattern and I can't figure out his triggers. It's just really random. But yes, it's not my problem and I need to leave it to him to figure out.

Wombaticus

Or he may not fall and hit his head. He may just continue to binge drink forever and pee his pants again and never change.
Set yourself some boundaries. You and your hard - earned sobriety deserve better.

maia1234

I agree with Wombaticus..... maybe he will fall and hit his head, have to go to the ER and needs stitches. Do you think that might knock some sense into him to get sober? No, I don't think so.
The best thing you can do is continue to go to your meetings, work your program and stay sober. You need to mind your side of the street and give him to God.

Happy New Years my friend and celebrate Your SOBRIETY, thats all you are responsible for. Hugs!

leanabeana

Thanks everyone. I will continue to focus on myself.

Does anyone have tips for how to behave while they are intoxicated? I've tried ignoring, I've tried confronting, and I've tried being just plain pissed.

trailmix

There is no point in getting angry - I mean you can, of course, if you want to, but it won't change his drinking.

The absolute best thing to do if it bothers you is to ignore it. Go to another room, watch tv or talk on the phone, whatever you like doing, go out with friends.

You need to look after yourself, focusing on yourself especially when he is drinking, focusing on his drinking will bring you nothing but aggravation and resentment.

That's his side of the street, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. Detach.

leanabeana

Good advice trailmix, thanks. It infuriates him when I detach, but oh well. He won't remember anyway.

Bekindalways

Yeah, detachment is key with getting some physical distance being another key. If the next room is the best you can do for physical distance then go for this. Take care of yourself to the best of your ability and irregardless of how he feels about it.

Have you read Codependent No More? It is a bit of a bible around here.

leanabeana

I haven't read it but I need to!

He tends to chase me around the house asking me if I still love him and if I'm mad at him over and over. It's exhausting. I don't have a car so getting it out is hard. I suppose I could just go for a walk.

FallenAngelina

I have learned that there are no good or bad signs, there's just a person who is either active in a program or not. Attempts to cut down, intentions, regrets - all mean nothing, really. Someone is either taking their recovery seriously or they're not.

As for the partner, (you, me) all we can do is choose each day whether to be with the person exactly as he is - today. Someone's potential can't hold you gently at night.

FeelingGreat

It may be cute to the outsider, but following you around and not leaving you alone is bordering on abuse. That's presuming you've told him you don't want to talk to him and he ignores your wishes. You sound like a gentle person, but you may have to be a bit more assertive about carving out your own space.

leanabeana

SparkleKitty

LB, when he gets like that--if you can get out of the house and go for a walk, you should.

FallenAngelina

He's no special case, there's no getting through to any of our alcoholic loved ones. They have to do their own work on their own accord. And so do we. The book recommended by BeKindAlways is a good place for you to stop running and start learning.

Mango212

Recovery first. Everything else then starts working out with grace, ease and intuitive guidance.

When I step back, pause and be open to how things might work out, more opportunities happen.

I never would have imagined putting recovery first could have such profound effects on my life. It does, again and again.

Staying open to options. Maybe a partial day off to get to one Al-Anon meeting. Maybe a long drive to attend one further away. Great things can start happening by smaller actions. One day at a time.

Congratulations on your sobriety!!

tekink

I'm in recovery with an alcoholic wife who has no desire to sober it. I do my best to simply do my own thing while she's drinking, spending most my time on the computer. Sometimes she wonders why I'm always doing my own thing, maybe someday she'll get it. She doesn't fall over or pee herself, but she turns abusive fast and it's rough.

I just need to worry about my own sobriety and make sure I have checks and a plan in place so that she doesn't impede it. While she can be very supportive of my sobriety there's many times where it seems she has a stronger desire for me to fail so she has her drinking buddy back. I need to do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm sitting on 35 months today.