The reality of my future
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The reality of my future
As I sit here in my perfect and beautiful master bedroom looking at the shelves on the wall of my perfect and beautiful photos of my family of five inside my perfect and beautiful home that I designed every square inch of over 2 years picking out every tile, every base board, every nail style (I’m type A), I designed every single aspect of the cabinetry, drew it by hand on graph paper, I designed every square foot of the floor plan by myself, drew it on paper and had it converted, picked every color and had my flooring and shiplap delivered from a 1920s home that was demolished and these were ripped out, cleaned, and brought here. My heart and soul and the rest of my sanity that wasn’t taken by my A is in this house.
Will I ever be back here? Will this ever be a happy home with the 5 of us? Is that even a reasonable thought at this point? I just got out of the shower and just sobbed in there simply because I’m so angry. Why are so many of my memories littered with “now you’re only going to drink X number of drinks tonight right?” And “did you drink tonight?” Knowing he had. And the broken promises and heart felt apologies and desires to change that never came to fruition. Can we ever be happy again? I try to think back, when was I ever really and truly happy? I cannot remember. No, I haven’t been miserable every day of our marriage. But yes I’ve continued to believe him and trust his words and continued to be disappointed and have our marriage bond chipped away every time. What’s even left? We get along just fine when he’s not drinking. For the most part. But is that what makes a marriage work? How can I ever get past all of the hurt that has been littered into our 11 years of marriage.
How can you love your wife and lie to her at the same time? Watch her heart break over and over again, make promises that you just cannot seem to keep. I know it’s a sickness and a disease but it’s also been a choice to push me as far as he could until I broke.
How could I ever really and truly have the trust and bond thats required for a happy marriage.
Is this temporary separation really just the beginning of a permanent end?
Will I ever be back here? Will this ever be a happy home with the 5 of us? Is that even a reasonable thought at this point? I just got out of the shower and just sobbed in there simply because I’m so angry. Why are so many of my memories littered with “now you’re only going to drink X number of drinks tonight right?” And “did you drink tonight?” Knowing he had. And the broken promises and heart felt apologies and desires to change that never came to fruition. Can we ever be happy again? I try to think back, when was I ever really and truly happy? I cannot remember. No, I haven’t been miserable every day of our marriage. But yes I’ve continued to believe him and trust his words and continued to be disappointed and have our marriage bond chipped away every time. What’s even left? We get along just fine when he’s not drinking. For the most part. But is that what makes a marriage work? How can I ever get past all of the hurt that has been littered into our 11 years of marriage.
How can you love your wife and lie to her at the same time? Watch her heart break over and over again, make promises that you just cannot seem to keep. I know it’s a sickness and a disease but it’s also been a choice to push me as far as he could until I broke.
How could I ever really and truly have the trust and bond thats required for a happy marriage.
Is this temporary separation really just the beginning of a permanent end?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by fortworthnative 
"I know it’s a sickness and a disease but it’s also been a choice to push me as far as he could until I broke".
"How could I ever really and truly have the trust and bond thats required for a happy marriage".
"How could I ever really and truly have the trust and bond thats required for a happy marriage".
When/if the day comes that you are ready to give it a try again, you are probably going to have to start with a date where he brings you flowers. Now it's not like a new relationship (although it might kind of be if he gets in to recovery), so you don't have to date for 2 years before moving in together again, but it will take some time for him to regain your trust (and your affection), you will know when that is.
A solid year of sobriety and recovery might also be a boundary.
There is a lot of hurt there, whether you choose to overcome that and give it another try is up to you. If you choose not to, you will cross that bridge when you come to it and you will be ok.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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While i have no doubt that all things you mention in the first few sentences ARE quite beautiful, it may be helpful for you to rid yourself of the notion of PERFECT.
perhaps that was you goal - if i do X, Y, Z then all will be perfect. if he would only stop X,Y,Z then all will be perfect. perhaps you hoped that artistic sense and balance of those photographs TOLD a story of perfection. but perfection is not real. there is no recipe, no magic concoction, no one single moment when we achieve PERFECT.
perfect and beautiful implies a bit of what we hope others see when they look at our family, our home, our photos. because to truly love from self is to embrace all the imperfections, acknowledge, accept and embrace the wiggly bits, the crooked nail, the child who can't shoot a basket or say their S's without a lisp, the leak at the corner of the porch.
you cannot recreate your past. you can't have everybody show up and reassemble in two years, and stand in the same spots as the photo, wearing the same clothes, take a picture and be BACK THERE again. you have now. and now. and the now that will be in six minutes, and six years.
perhaps that was you goal - if i do X, Y, Z then all will be perfect. if he would only stop X,Y,Z then all will be perfect. perhaps you hoped that artistic sense and balance of those photographs TOLD a story of perfection. but perfection is not real. there is no recipe, no magic concoction, no one single moment when we achieve PERFECT.
perfect and beautiful implies a bit of what we hope others see when they look at our family, our home, our photos. because to truly love from self is to embrace all the imperfections, acknowledge, accept and embrace the wiggly bits, the crooked nail, the child who can't shoot a basket or say their S's without a lisp, the leak at the corner of the porch.
you cannot recreate your past. you can't have everybody show up and reassemble in two years, and stand in the same spots as the photo, wearing the same clothes, take a picture and be BACK THERE again. you have now. and now. and the now that will be in six minutes, and six years.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
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Hello,
Deep breath. You still currently have your beautiful home and a relationship with your AH.
You are taking the necessary steps to salvage , break down and rebuild your reality. You have been living with an active alcoholic. You have decided that you will not tolerate that reality any longer. The only way the dynamics of this situation is going to improve is if you are the catalyst for the change in your family.
I am an alcoholic. I have been struggling with sobriety for 14 years. I lived in a brand new beautiful townhouse with my ex-fiance. The longer he held on the longer I tried to manage to give into my addiction/mental illness (obsession) And lie about it. (I didn't want him to be upset but he always knew) The obsession will tell us maybe it won't backfire.. I mostly wanted to continue drinking.. I lost it all. I have decided to get sober for good for myself. I will not have any life that I could value in continuing the way I was living. I heard in a meeting today someone reflecting on the fact that there is not degree's of an alcoholic there are degree's of the progression. I went from a professional responsible woman to unemployable and broke. This is what alcohol will promise the alcoholic, if they do not die first. I just want to let you know that it will be difficult but it will all be worth it. Your love is to precious to give it in vain to an active alcoholic. I say that because in my state of drinking I am incapable of loving myself regardless of somebody else. I really think by having the courage to address this now will save you alot of heart ache in the future. More will be revealed. Let the gifts of being taken care of in this moment a day at a time help you get through this.
I am sure your story is a power of example to a lot of people lurking.
Deep breath. You still currently have your beautiful home and a relationship with your AH.
You are taking the necessary steps to salvage , break down and rebuild your reality. You have been living with an active alcoholic. You have decided that you will not tolerate that reality any longer. The only way the dynamics of this situation is going to improve is if you are the catalyst for the change in your family.
I am an alcoholic. I have been struggling with sobriety for 14 years. I lived in a brand new beautiful townhouse with my ex-fiance. The longer he held on the longer I tried to manage to give into my addiction/mental illness (obsession) And lie about it. (I didn't want him to be upset but he always knew) The obsession will tell us maybe it won't backfire.. I mostly wanted to continue drinking.. I lost it all. I have decided to get sober for good for myself. I will not have any life that I could value in continuing the way I was living. I heard in a meeting today someone reflecting on the fact that there is not degree's of an alcoholic there are degree's of the progression. I went from a professional responsible woman to unemployable and broke. This is what alcohol will promise the alcoholic, if they do not die first. I just want to let you know that it will be difficult but it will all be worth it. Your love is to precious to give it in vain to an active alcoholic. I say that because in my state of drinking I am incapable of loving myself regardless of somebody else. I really think by having the courage to address this now will save you alot of heart ache in the future. More will be revealed. Let the gifts of being taken care of in this moment a day at a time help you get through this.
I am sure your story is a power of example to a lot of people lurking.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by fortworthnative
Probably something I need to work on. I did not used to be a perfectionist. But I definitely am now.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
FWN,
I'm sorry for the hurt that you are feeling looking around your room and house. You wondering if this life that you built as you said one nail at a time going to ever be a happy life again. I wish i could predict the future and tell you that yes time will bring everything full circle and you will have you family of 5 back happy again. But I can't, I can only hope your AH will get all the help he needs to bring him back to reality. Cause right now his brain is not working correctly. It only thinking of when can i get that next drink. It will promise the world to whoever to get it. Until he gets that help you are doing the best thing for your family.
You have to take it one day at a time. You have to get help for yourself also. You have been through a lot. Just know that with each day it will get easier. It's hard to see it know, but it will. Keep being strong. You are doing all of this for your kids and your happiness. If you ever start feeling weak just look at them and let them fill you with the strength you need to continue each day. Have a wonderful night and keep posting. We are here for you.
I'm sorry for the hurt that you are feeling looking around your room and house. You wondering if this life that you built as you said one nail at a time going to ever be a happy life again. I wish i could predict the future and tell you that yes time will bring everything full circle and you will have you family of 5 back happy again. But I can't, I can only hope your AH will get all the help he needs to bring him back to reality. Cause right now his brain is not working correctly. It only thinking of when can i get that next drink. It will promise the world to whoever to get it. Until he gets that help you are doing the best thing for your family.
You have to take it one day at a time. You have to get help for yourself also. You have been through a lot. Just know that with each day it will get easier. It's hard to see it know, but it will. Keep being strong. You are doing all of this for your kids and your happiness. If you ever start feeling weak just look at them and let them fill you with the strength you need to continue each day. Have a wonderful night and keep posting. We are here for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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First off, I send you a big hug.
Second... I have walked away from dream homes, which, like you, I designed, worked on, dreamt about, created...four times. The first was a situation like yours, except I didn’t have children, just a dying marriage. The rest were due to health, family and financial reasons. It’s excruciating, I know.
But what I know now is that houses without happiness, without sanctuary, without peace of mind...turn into boxes. Just boxes, and sometimes, they become prisons.
I promise, promise, that no matter how this turns out, you will create and love another home. It may not be “perfect,” aesthetically...but it will be home, in all the best ways.
Trust yourself, yes?
Second... I have walked away from dream homes, which, like you, I designed, worked on, dreamt about, created...four times. The first was a situation like yours, except I didn’t have children, just a dying marriage. The rest were due to health, family and financial reasons. It’s excruciating, I know.
But what I know now is that houses without happiness, without sanctuary, without peace of mind...turn into boxes. Just boxes, and sometimes, they become prisons.
I promise, promise, that no matter how this turns out, you will create and love another home. It may not be “perfect,” aesthetically...but it will be home, in all the best ways.
Trust yourself, yes?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FWN...…...this triggers a memory from a long time ago.....When we were looking for a new house, our realestate agent was driving us through a beautiful neighborhood of very nice, upscale houses.....
I asked him why so many people would be selling these nice houses......He said "Divorce". He explained that the upscale houses were bought with the idea that the couple would be happier in a nicer house.....When that didn't work----they landscaped the grounds and redecorated...thinking that they would be happier.....when that doesn't work....they put the house on the market......
I asked him why so many people would be selling these nice houses......He said "Divorce". He explained that the upscale houses were bought with the idea that the couple would be happier in a nicer house.....When that didn't work----they landscaped the grounds and redecorated...thinking that they would be happier.....when that doesn't work....they put the house on the market......
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You have to take it one day at a time. You have to get help for yourself also. You have been through a lot. Just know that with each day it will get easier. It's hard to see it know, but it will. Keep being strong. You are doing all of this for your kids and your happiness.
This.
I'm going to another meeting tonight. This one is an open NA group with a lot of strength in facing family issues, dealing with people who are still using and allowing solutions to be the main focus. Alcohol is a drug.
I'm sorry for what you're dealing with and going through. Surround yourself with a much healthy support as possible.
This.
I'm going to another meeting tonight. This one is an open NA group with a lot of strength in facing family issues, dealing with people who are still using and allowing solutions to be the main focus. Alcohol is a drug.
I'm sorry for what you're dealing with and going through. Surround yourself with a much healthy support as possible.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
It does get easier. It’s hard to see it now. You have to trust yourself, you are doing what’s best for you and your children. I’m around 4 months separated from my AH. I’ll admit that first month or two I really struggled with my decision. I held firm though and slowly I started to realize my life was finally settling down. I was no longer walking on egg shells. I was laughing more. I enjoyed cooking again. I started painting my house, changing things up. I am happy and enjoying my life again. So can you...
I don’t know what will happen with our marriage
(and that’s ok right now)
that’s why I love the saying... One Day At A Time
Wishing you peace and clarity on your journey
I don’t know what will happen with our marriage
(and that’s ok right now)
that’s why I love the saying... One Day At A Time
Wishing you peace and clarity on your journey
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I kind of equate it to my relationship with my ex-husband. He cheated on me.
So, I had to base my decision to leave or stay on two things.
1) Was he going to give up his gf and truly commit to the marriage with honesty and complete transparency?
2) Even if he did everything right, was I ever going to be able to trust him again?
For me, it turns out, the answer to number 2 was "no, I could not ever trust him again". Because that would never be fair to me or to him, the marriage ended.
I think this is what you need to decide for yourself. Even if your husband did everything right from this moment forward, could you ever completely trust him and feel safe again?
So, I had to base my decision to leave or stay on two things.
1) Was he going to give up his gf and truly commit to the marriage with honesty and complete transparency?
2) Even if he did everything right, was I ever going to be able to trust him again?
For me, it turns out, the answer to number 2 was "no, I could not ever trust him again". Because that would never be fair to me or to him, the marriage ended.
I think this is what you need to decide for yourself. Even if your husband did everything right from this moment forward, could you ever completely trust him and feel safe again?
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by Seren
I kind of equate it to my relationship with my ex-husband. He cheated on me.
So, I had to base my decision to leave or stay on two things.
1) Was he going to give up his gf and truly commit to the marriage with honesty and complete transparency?
2) Even if he did everything right, was I ever going to be able to trust him again?
For me, it turns out, the answer to number 2 was "no, I could not ever trust him again". Because that would never be fair to me or to him, the marriage ended.
I think this is what you need to decide for yourself. Even if your husband did everything right from this moment forward, could you ever completely trust him and feel safe again?
So, I had to base my decision to leave or stay on two things.
1) Was he going to give up his gf and truly commit to the marriage with honesty and complete transparency?
2) Even if he did everything right, was I ever going to be able to trust him again?
For me, it turns out, the answer to number 2 was "no, I could not ever trust him again". Because that would never be fair to me or to him, the marriage ended.
I think this is what you need to decide for yourself. Even if your husband did everything right from this moment forward, could you ever completely trust him and feel safe again?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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wombaticus and fwn, I'd like to continue w/Seren's thought. During the last couple of years with XAH, he often said to me "what's the point of my getting sober? You'd never trust me again anyway." And in the beginning, I insisted that he was wrong, of course I'd trust him again. As time went on, I began to say that after an extended period of sobriety, of course I'd trust him again.
And then one day he said it again. I opened my mouth to deny that it was true, but something stopped me just long enough to really think about it. And what came out that time was "you're probably right, I wouldn't ever fully trust you again."
That was a turning point for me. I'd finally gotten to where I could see that my insisting that I could indeed learn to trust him again was not about him and whether I could/would trust him again. It was all about ME, and the fears I had about what my life would hold if I DIDN'T trust him anymore. If I faced the fact that I truly didn't and never would be able to trust him again, I'd be forced to make changes in my OWN life and do work on myself that I just didn't want to do. It would be hard and frightening and uncomfortable, with an unknown outcome. That, for me, was what it was really all about.
Seren's post asked a really important question. Finding the answer will be invaluable in showing you the next steps in your recovery, I think.
And then one day he said it again. I opened my mouth to deny that it was true, but something stopped me just long enough to really think about it. And what came out that time was "you're probably right, I wouldn't ever fully trust you again."
That was a turning point for me. I'd finally gotten to where I could see that my insisting that I could indeed learn to trust him again was not about him and whether I could/would trust him again. It was all about ME, and the fears I had about what my life would hold if I DIDN'T trust him anymore. If I faced the fact that I truly didn't and never would be able to trust him again, I'd be forced to make changes in my OWN life and do work on myself that I just didn't want to do. It would be hard and frightening and uncomfortable, with an unknown outcome. That, for me, was what it was really all about.
Seren's post asked a really important question. Finding the answer will be invaluable in showing you the next steps in your recovery, I think.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Thank you for the responses. My initial and immediate reaction to that question is that I am not emotionally prepared to answer/respond to that question. Logically I know the answer. I’ve told him for a LONG time now I don’t trust him and we need to build trust. But EVERY TIME we’ve tried the bit of trust I’ve worked up is shattered.
I cannot allow myself to spend too much time considering this question right now. And I probably just need to stop thinking about everything in general as much as I can.
The codependent no more book said that it was OK to focus on 1 foot in front of the other instead of looking up too far down the road. I need to just focus on moving for now and evaluate this when I’m away. I cannot handle this reality right now.
I cannot allow myself to spend too much time considering this question right now. And I probably just need to stop thinking about everything in general as much as I can.
The codependent no more book said that it was OK to focus on 1 foot in front of the other instead of looking up too far down the road. I need to just focus on moving for now and evaluate this when I’m away. I cannot handle this reality right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
fwn, when I woke up in the morning, after the night when I knew we were done, I made a little prayer myself. It was along the lines of "let me see what I need to see and see it clearly, but please keep me blind to the rest for now so I'm not overwhelmed."
I understand.
I understand.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I don't know whose quote this is but I think its wonderful - "the broken cracks are the way the light gets in". I have no idea nor do you what is ahead for you and your family. My life looks nothing like it did and not even a smidge of what I would plan for myself, but its so much more interesting and fulfilling than its ever been. It would not have happened had everything not fallen apart. Sometimes when you are losing something its simply making room for something so much better. Happy New Year!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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dawnrising, that is from Leonard Cohen's "Anthem."
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
The Japanese practice of repairing broken ceramics with gold is called kintsugi. There's an article about it here:
https://www.lifegate.com/people/lifestyle/kintsugi
I think that may be what recovery is all about--kintsugi for our hearts, souls and lives.
While attending a service at a Unitarian church a few years ago, I heard the following song performed. It might be of comfort to folks here:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
The Japanese practice of repairing broken ceramics with gold is called kintsugi. There's an article about it here:
https://www.lifegate.com/people/lifestyle/kintsugi
I think that may be what recovery is all about--kintsugi for our hearts, souls and lives.
While attending a service at a Unitarian church a few years ago, I heard the following song performed. It might be of comfort to folks here:
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