Hello
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Hello
Hello,
I am an ACOA and I have been with my alcoholic husband for almost 20 years now. Of course, I didn't know he was an alcoholic in the beginning. It's amazing what 20 years of hindsight will give you!
I have made the choice to stay with him until "death does us part". I honestly think that will be sooner rather than later. He has had Stage 1 Cirrhosis for almost a year now, with no cessation of drinking. Lately I've noticed a decline, and I can't blame it on the holidays and work being slow. He drinks from about 5:30 am until he passes out for the evening. The day is littered with long naps, though. Yes, napS. His left eyelid droops severely and he barely eats. I would guess that on food alone, he probably eats about 600 calories. That's a half a deli sandwich at lunch and a few bites of dinner.
I can't find any kind of answer on how long it takes someone to go from Stage 1 to Stage 4 or death, but I would be shocked if my husband is alive in 5 years if he keeps on his current trajectory.
If he was a terrible person, it would be so much easier, but like so many of you, I love him deeply. I'm so sad that he doesn't love himself enough to pull himself out of this, but after all these years, I have at least learned that I can't do it for him.
I just wanted to say hello and that it's so helpful to read people's stories on here. Some choose to leave and some choose to stay, but we've all been affected by someone that we love's alcoholism.
I am an ACOA and I have been with my alcoholic husband for almost 20 years now. Of course, I didn't know he was an alcoholic in the beginning. It's amazing what 20 years of hindsight will give you!
I have made the choice to stay with him until "death does us part". I honestly think that will be sooner rather than later. He has had Stage 1 Cirrhosis for almost a year now, with no cessation of drinking. Lately I've noticed a decline, and I can't blame it on the holidays and work being slow. He drinks from about 5:30 am until he passes out for the evening. The day is littered with long naps, though. Yes, napS. His left eyelid droops severely and he barely eats. I would guess that on food alone, he probably eats about 600 calories. That's a half a deli sandwich at lunch and a few bites of dinner.
I can't find any kind of answer on how long it takes someone to go from Stage 1 to Stage 4 or death, but I would be shocked if my husband is alive in 5 years if he keeps on his current trajectory.
If he was a terrible person, it would be so much easier, but like so many of you, I love him deeply. I'm so sad that he doesn't love himself enough to pull himself out of this, but after all these years, I have at least learned that I can't do it for him.
I just wanted to say hello and that it's so helpful to read people's stories on here. Some choose to leave and some choose to stay, but we've all been affected by someone that we love's alcoholism.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Hi EmeraldCoast, so glad you decided to post.
Yes, you never know. Although malnutrition is probably also a concern at this point.
I hope, for your sake, that he does make different choices, but as you said, nothing you can do at this point.
How are you coping? Do you attend Alanon?
Yes, you never know. Although malnutrition is probably also a concern at this point.
I hope, for your sake, that he does make different choices, but as you said, nothing you can do at this point.
How are you coping? Do you attend Alanon?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi EmeraldCoastGal,
I'm glad you're here.
My experience with Step 3 is allowing ease and grace in letting Higher Power place me where is best for me and others. Taking things one day at a time, it is sometimes not living with my alcoholic husband. In 2018, it was living with him before I thought I was ready to, and through prayer, meditation and working with others in Al-Anon I found great healing in that, and even greater strength in subsequently living on my own again as he wasn't safe, in his illness, to live with.
One day at a time.
As I make a conscious decision to trust my Higher Power and Good Obvious Direction (GOD acronym), more is revealed.
I'm glad you're here.
My experience with Step 3 is allowing ease and grace in letting Higher Power place me where is best for me and others. Taking things one day at a time, it is sometimes not living with my alcoholic husband. In 2018, it was living with him before I thought I was ready to, and through prayer, meditation and working with others in Al-Anon I found great healing in that, and even greater strength in subsequently living on my own again as he wasn't safe, in his illness, to live with.
One day at a time.
As I make a conscious decision to trust my Higher Power and Good Obvious Direction (GOD acronym), more is revealed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by EmeraldCoastGal 
I do attend Al-Anon. I experience anger with this more than any other emotion. I like things that make sense, and alcoholism definitely does NOT fit into that box!!!
You can't have someone in your living environment or at the very least in your life that is an alcoholic and not have it affect you.
It's very sad.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Hello and Welcome
I don’t have any answers on stages of cirrhosis. With him still actively drinking and not eating much I can imagine it speeds up the process. My Sis in Law died from this disease.
We /she found out to late to do much of anything but pray. Initially she wouldn’t see a doctor for it, was a very private person and still denied she had a drinking problem right up till the end. A truly sad situation. I do hope you’re taking care of yourself. As you may know you are not responsible for his decisions about his own self care. Is your AH currently seeing a doctor for this? If so, are you able to ask these questions to them directly, are you actively involved in his medical appts.?
I don’t have any answers on stages of cirrhosis. With him still actively drinking and not eating much I can imagine it speeds up the process. My Sis in Law died from this disease.
We /she found out to late to do much of anything but pray. Initially she wouldn’t see a doctor for it, was a very private person and still denied she had a drinking problem right up till the end. A truly sad situation. I do hope you’re taking care of yourself. As you may know you are not responsible for his decisions about his own self care. Is your AH currently seeing a doctor for this? If so, are you able to ask these questions to them directly, are you actively involved in his medical appts.?
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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FarmhouseGal - your question about his medical appointments is a good one. I have a question, actually, about that:
He does have doctors, but I don't think he's 100% with them. I think they can figure out pretty well by his numbers what he's doing, though.
AH has a appointment with the cirrhosis doctor (liver dr) in 2 weeks. I initially was all gung-ho in my head about going with him, making sure he tells the doctor everything, making sure I hear from the horses mouth what is going on........
Right now I am of the opinion of "Not my problem!" - - it's HIS responsibility to tell his doctor everything. Hell, it's his responsibility to GO to the doctor.....the only reason I would go is to hear from the doctor about any progression so I can keep tabs on the situation. AH won't be honest with me about that if he doesn't have to be.
To go or not to go....that is the question
He does have doctors, but I don't think he's 100% with them. I think they can figure out pretty well by his numbers what he's doing, though.
AH has a appointment with the cirrhosis doctor (liver dr) in 2 weeks. I initially was all gung-ho in my head about going with him, making sure he tells the doctor everything, making sure I hear from the horses mouth what is going on........
Right now I am of the opinion of "Not my problem!" - - it's HIS responsibility to tell his doctor everything. Hell, it's his responsibility to GO to the doctor.....the only reason I would go is to hear from the doctor about any progression so I can keep tabs on the situation. AH won't be honest with me about that if he doesn't have to be.
To go or not to go....that is the question
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
I would absolutely go, as you said you want to know what the truth is and your H isn't going to tell you (probably).
No use being left out of that information if you don't have to. You can just be an observer, you don't need to participate in the actual consultation at all as in asking questions etc.
No use being left out of that information if you don't have to. You can just be an observer, you don't need to participate in the actual consultation at all as in asking questions etc.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
I would agree with Trailmix. My AH went to the ER recently for BP issues, his first time seeing a doctor in, I can’t even count how many years. We are currently separated, but kids wanted me to go because of this reason specifically. We all knew he wouldn’t tell us the “whole” scoop. I’m glad I went but at the time I was new to al Anon, and staying on “my side of the street” was unheard of. I dang near was in tears the whole time and kept butting in and giving my 2 cents. If you can go to strictly get the correct information and things you need to be aware of (for your own well being) then I would go. Ultimately, it’s your choice of course. If you chose not to, I would make sure you are listed as AH’s emergency contact and you have the authority to call and be given information.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
My wife is an ACOA with all letters capitalized and maybe a couple exclamation marks. She's not drinking presently (which is great) but no recognizable logistical footprint of a recovery program- nor has seen a doc in at least 5 years, even longer for seeing a dentist- she is now 53, had a cancer scare involving her lungs, no mammograms, a chronic wet cough, does not exercise and is on a many-year prescription of antidepressants and no shrink nor initiative to see one or get off the stuff.
My daughter and I have gone so far as to several times ask her- not encourage her- to please see a doc about the cough. Just "I will..." and nothing happens. Suffice to say there is not much communication beyond scheduling and small-talk.
My daughter and I have discussed this and are at our boundary with the request for her to look into the cough. I would not go in with her unasked unless it was an ER visit. Given my unhinged behavior before program, I try to outfit my boundaries with the barbed wire and guard dogs facing inside.
My daughter and I have gone so far as to several times ask her- not encourage her- to please see a doc about the cough. Just "I will..." and nothing happens. Suffice to say there is not much communication beyond scheduling and small-talk.
My daughter and I have discussed this and are at our boundary with the request for her to look into the cough. I would not go in with her unasked unless it was an ER visit. Given my unhinged behavior before program, I try to outfit my boundaries with the barbed wire and guard dogs facing inside.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
In regards to all things regarding my husband's health, I PUSH. Pray Until Something Happens. Typically the "what happens" is having clear obvious signs and inner healthy feelings of next right action.
There were probably equal amount of times so far where I was involved in some way, while following my recovery program, and being absolutely not involved.
There were probably equal amount of times so far where I was involved in some way, while following my recovery program, and being absolutely not involved.
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Mango, sometimes I am all-in on my recovery and sometimes I reject it like a rebellious child. ("He's the one with the problem! Why do I need to do anything more because of alcoholism?!?!?") - - And then I remember that I'm doing it for me, NOT alcoholism. It's helping to free me and keep me from feeling like a caged animal.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
My XAH Has fairly advanced cirrhosis, I spent two weeks in the hospital with him while doctors told him he would be on the transplant list if he wasn’t actively drinking, and referred him to palliative care (generally end of life when they are not going to fix you and you aren’t staring down hospice yet). They basically told me he was going to die from it sooner than later, but he has never really allowed himself to understand. He still lies about it even though I was there and the only person sentient enough in that moment to hear what they were saying. So if your daily life will be impacted by his lifespan, or if you have kids and need to be thinking about them long-term, it’s worth getting first-hand information.
of course, that assumes he isn’t going to lie his face off and insist you keep your mouth shut (I got that one when I was asked to accompany him to the doctor before the full on liver failure).
unless you’re going to be there for an ultrasound and biopsy where you personally are going to get the results, A liver doctor telling him about treatment won’t necessarily give you the information you were looking for. he’s not going to give your husband an expiration date in front of you, more likely he will talk about what regimen of nutrition, not drinking, and drugs they will put him on. Which won’t tell you what stage he’s in. Whether he drinks or not impacts his life expectancy, so if he’s going to show up and lie even if they were going to tell him how long he had to live, it wouldn’t be accurate.
I guess I don’t have a straight answer other then you’re probably not going to get a straight answer whether or not you go. you’d probably get better information from matching his symptoms to disease progression on medical websites. The symptoms are really what allows you to predict life expectancy.
of course, that assumes he isn’t going to lie his face off and insist you keep your mouth shut (I got that one when I was asked to accompany him to the doctor before the full on liver failure).
unless you’re going to be there for an ultrasound and biopsy where you personally are going to get the results, A liver doctor telling him about treatment won’t necessarily give you the information you were looking for. he’s not going to give your husband an expiration date in front of you, more likely he will talk about what regimen of nutrition, not drinking, and drugs they will put him on. Which won’t tell you what stage he’s in. Whether he drinks or not impacts his life expectancy, so if he’s going to show up and lie even if they were going to tell him how long he had to live, it wouldn’t be accurate.
I guess I don’t have a straight answer other then you’re probably not going to get a straight answer whether or not you go. you’d probably get better information from matching his symptoms to disease progression on medical websites. The symptoms are really what allows you to predict life expectancy.
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After reading what everyone said, I think I will go, just to hear the first-hand information. AH probably would prefer I didn't go, but I went to the last visit and I was there when the results were given.
I told my husband that if he has to go back into the hospital, that I am not going up there this time. I pray that (a) it doesn't happen, but (b) if it does, I have the resolve to back up what I say.
I told my husband that if he has to go back into the hospital, that I am not going up there this time. I pray that (a) it doesn't happen, but (b) if it does, I have the resolve to back up what I say.
. . . .I love this.
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