Meraviglioso

It's the holiday season. I am far from my family and despite a wonderful, sober! Christmas morning with my kids (santa came!!! and was super because she was sober!) I am now missing them terribly as they are off on another luxury ski vacation with their father who as you may recall has taken legal action to get full custody. Thankfully after a full year of court battles and at least 15 meetings with the court ordered psychologist- for me, him and the kids, then us together and also us with the kids- the judge has decided not to award him full custody. I do have a year long monitoring where I need to meet with the court psychologist and his lawyer eery two months to make sure I am doing ok. If that all goes well the case will then be officially closed and we will have join custody and I might even- finally- get child support.

Anyway, I am missing my kids, feeling jealous of their time together doing something fun that they love. I did the laundry a few days ago and washed the clothes they left last time they were here and I bathed them (they never seem to shower at their father's house) so during my supervised visits with them I try to take care of things like that. I found I had missed my younger son's underwear though. And I have been sleeping with them as strange as that sounds. I just miss his smell so much.

I've been thinking of drinking. I am all alone, won't be seeing the kids, can get totally drunk, forget about life for a while (thanks Billy Joel!), and then sober up and look less bloated and red by the time they come back. Or that was my plan.

But then this morning I went for a walk. I got a good reminder on why staying sober is so important for me. I took a little walk to get a coffee and while at the bar a man I have never spoken to (but have seen around) asked me how I was doing and when I was getting my license back. Of course he knew about me..... I was embarrassed and annoyed that there is so much gossip but answered him honestly and told him I hope in June I will have it back. He said "they ripped mine in two" I asked "what? so you also lost your license? But you can get it back if you do the medical tests..." He said "no, not for me, I killed someone that night and so I will not get mine back" I started crying and told him how sorry I was, that I could not imagine what is must feel like to carry that pain and guilt.

NicLin

Thank you for sharing and it is incredible how the Universe puts people and things into your life to either show you that you are not alone in this or to give us some perspective.

I am glad things are looking up for you with your children, you must be so relieved and glad.

I am rooting for you and so is the Universe!

Meraviglioso

Yes, it did feel like a message. He stepped outside to smoke and as I was paying I said I wanted to pay for whatever he had consumed. The guy at the bar said "ok, so your coffee and his cafe corretto" I paid but felt very sad. A caffe corretto is a shot of espresso with the addition of a liquor (usually grappa) in it.

Dee74

That's an incredibly poignant post Mera. It could have been any of us.
I'm so glad you thought it through and made a good choice for yourself.

D

Meraviglioso

Me too Dee, me too.

It is amazing, despite all the struggles, pain and challenges life is so much easier sober and nothing really terrible seems to happen.

MantaLady

I am so relieved for you Mera that the courts have been kind and you no longer have this fear hanging over your head and heart anymore. The universe always delivers what we need (not what we want) and we just need to be open to receive the message.

Keep strong Mera, you can do this, you are doing this!! xx

Abraham

All the best. Enjoy those kids and pease dont drink. So not worth it especially in your situation where you could lose custody of your kids. Plus as I am to understand and believe, drinking that one time could be the end of it all. Best of luck to you and your children.

D122y

I relate.

I think smelling your kids clothes is something I would definitely do if jr. wasn't around. I have less than 2 years until he moves on to college.

I will miss him, but I am also looking forward to him eventually making his own way. I still have several years where he will need financial support. But, that is part of having kids and sending them to college.

Sr has taught me that the kindling I created with the....off and on again...... binge drinking would eventually leave me in a paranoid state again.

That is diagnosed as insane if I ever came clean with a Dr. about exactly what I was feeling. Now that I am this clean I feel a sense of calm never before experienced as an adult.

Booze fries my brain.

I believe all of the health benefits gained in these last 4 plus years could immediately degenerate.

If they didn't immediately degenerate my av would likely convince me to...take my drinking relapse to the limit....sooner or later. Don't need that. I had way to many...anything can happen events.

I find escape in so many other places now. Last night had a fun take out Chinese dinner with the family and then cuddled watching a scary movie. It was amazing.

I woke up after 6 hours sleep though tonight. I found myself obsessing over some nonsense at work.

It boils down to me taking responsibility for my situation. Once I do that, I have control over the situation.

Thanks.

Steely

The poor man at the bar who cried. What a burden to bear.

i don't know whether he had been drinking or not, but would hate to carry such a weight. Moreso, I would hate to be friend or family of the person who had died.

A great lesson was to be had from your story Mera. I know I took note.

I hope all of your legal struggle results in you getting joint custody of your children Mera. It will be a great relief for you I'm sure.

Sense of smell is powerful in having us remember. I'd do something like that too.

yinzer

Thanks for sharing, Mera.

Obladi

Mera, thank you for that story.

Callas

It could have been any of us. We are the lucky ones.

Surrendered19

Thank you for that story Mera. I don't know how I never hurt anyone while driving drunk. I did it thousands of times including with my kids in the car. I'll live with the shame and guilt of that for the rest of my time on this earth. Your story shows how close all of us were to disaster and yet now here we are, no more deserving of that than the poor man who you talked to outside of the coffee shop. We are indeed the lucky ones.

Zebra1275

I'm glad to hear that you remained sober over Christmas.