Hi, back again...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
Hi, back again...
A few things have happened since I last wrote. Some I'm proud of, some not so much.
A few months ago, Husband continued to call, beg me to come back. Late at night mostly, when he was drunk. I was staying at my moms and we were butting heads on a lot of things--she is going through her own stuff.
Anyway I caved in and moved back home when both me and my daughter were extremely sick. Of course he was nice and took care of us.
Anyway. He continued to drink. I told him my boundries once again, he continued to break them. This time he seems to be a little worse. Not able to go more than a week without lying and drinking. To the point he would turn his phone off again while he was out and not come back until the next day. The usual.
We started marriage counseling, which helped with our communication for a little. She agreed with me that he is an alcoholic. He will not admit it. But tells me things like he has an urge that he can't control to go out after a stressful day at work... ha.
Flash forward to Christmas eve eve, he drinks, expects me to forgive him. I don't engage in it as I just didn't want to deal with it anymore, until the evening I lash out and throw him and his things out.
Yes, it hurts. Chrismas day he saw his daughter for 1 hour--his choice. He was drinking all day/night Christmas eve and i woke up to messages and missed calls saying the same old thing. Turns up chrismas day and the same thing he always says after his emotional outburst while drinking lately, "I was just emotional, I didn't mean any of it." - at this point he wants to stay gone. He now claims that he can't be with someone who throws his stuff out.... But I'm meant to put up with all his crap? Makes me laugh really.
So I'm back at the apartment. Feeling sad at times but a lot more stable and in an "oh well" mindset. Oh, and he almost lost his job again! He left to go to a different dealership because he knew they were going to fire him, he says. What for I can only guess. He has another warrant out for his arrest because of unpaid parking tickets. Told him the court date, he never went. Decided not to mention it again.
I am in more control over my emotions and my mindset, though. It's not as painful as last time. He is unemotional and lacks empathy, only being somewhat emotional when drinking. He is, with his new job, making a good deal of money and driving a nice, fast car. Probably feels on top of the world. I'll leave him there, because he won't be there for long.
I want to be stronger for when, because I know he probably will, text or call me begging for me to come back. Reading everyone's stories on here gives me courage and makes me feel less alone. I'll release him from my mind, and he can do what he wants. My path will lead to joy and peace. His, only to destruction, for now.
A few months ago, Husband continued to call, beg me to come back. Late at night mostly, when he was drunk. I was staying at my moms and we were butting heads on a lot of things--she is going through her own stuff.
Anyway I caved in and moved back home when both me and my daughter were extremely sick. Of course he was nice and took care of us.
Anyway. He continued to drink. I told him my boundries once again, he continued to break them. This time he seems to be a little worse. Not able to go more than a week without lying and drinking. To the point he would turn his phone off again while he was out and not come back until the next day. The usual.
We started marriage counseling, which helped with our communication for a little. She agreed with me that he is an alcoholic. He will not admit it. But tells me things like he has an urge that he can't control to go out after a stressful day at work... ha.
Flash forward to Christmas eve eve, he drinks, expects me to forgive him. I don't engage in it as I just didn't want to deal with it anymore, until the evening I lash out and throw him and his things out.
Yes, it hurts. Chrismas day he saw his daughter for 1 hour--his choice. He was drinking all day/night Christmas eve and i woke up to messages and missed calls saying the same old thing. Turns up chrismas day and the same thing he always says after his emotional outburst while drinking lately, "I was just emotional, I didn't mean any of it." - at this point he wants to stay gone. He now claims that he can't be with someone who throws his stuff out.... But I'm meant to put up with all his crap? Makes me laugh really.
So I'm back at the apartment. Feeling sad at times but a lot more stable and in an "oh well" mindset. Oh, and he almost lost his job again! He left to go to a different dealership because he knew they were going to fire him, he says. What for I can only guess. He has another warrant out for his arrest because of unpaid parking tickets. Told him the court date, he never went. Decided not to mention it again.
I am in more control over my emotions and my mindset, though. It's not as painful as last time. He is unemotional and lacks empathy, only being somewhat emotional when drinking. He is, with his new job, making a good deal of money and driving a nice, fast car. Probably feels on top of the world. I'll leave him there, because he won't be there for long.
I want to be stronger for when, because I know he probably will, text or call me begging for me to come back. Reading everyone's stories on here gives me courage and makes me feel less alone. I'll release him from my mind, and he can do what he wants. My path will lead to joy and peace. His, only to destruction, for now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Welcome back. Sorry things continue to be a hell of a rollercoaster. But what I reflected on, based on what you wrote... is sadly he honestly doesn’t need or have to change, you know?
You mentioned:
“He continued to drink. I told him my boundries once again, he continued to break them.”
—
It’s actually the reverse. You broke your own boundary. You returned again to someone who drinks a lot.
I certainly don’t mean to be harsh... as I returned to my AXGF 5x. It was abusive and I made a sh*tload of mistakes that ultimately hurt me. I just think the concept of OUR personal boundaries gets placed on the alcoholic — when it’s about what you choose to do regardless if he drinks a glass or 20 bottles.
But it’s such a grueling process. I have a lot of respect for you coming back... updating us... growing stronger with every step!
You mentioned:
“He continued to drink. I told him my boundries once again, he continued to break them.”
—
It’s actually the reverse. You broke your own boundary. You returned again to someone who drinks a lot.
I certainly don’t mean to be harsh... as I returned to my AXGF 5x. It was abusive and I made a sh*tload of mistakes that ultimately hurt me. I just think the concept of OUR personal boundaries gets placed on the alcoholic — when it’s about what you choose to do regardless if he drinks a glass or 20 bottles.
But it’s such a grueling process. I have a lot of respect for you coming back... updating us... growing stronger with every step!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Erza, welcome back (sorry things are so hurtful at the moment, of course).
I have a few suggestions to help when he does call. But first, want to follow up on what NYC said.
Boundaries are for you, not him, they are your own personal compass, if you like. What you mention are rules. Don't drink here. He breaks that "rule" you get angry (understandably).
A boundary is you saying, to yourself, for instance, I will not live with an alcoholic. Now how that will be enforced is up to you. Whether that's asking him to leave or you leaving, that's 100 percent in YOUR control. That's the difference, expecting someone to follow your rules vs making your own boundaries.
Anyway!
Make a list of all the terrible things he has done and said to you, short and to the point so you can quickly skim it to remind yourself. Maybe something like:
- Goes out drinking and stays out all night, one time he stayed out for 4 nights.
- Had a woman over to the apartment when I wasn't there.
- Drank all xmas eve and couldn't be bothered to see his daughter for more than a few minutes.
- Never does what he says he will
That kind of thing, write down everything you can think of, preferably with a pen on paper (or print it out) so you can carry it with you all the time and refer to it whenever you start thinking everything is "ok" or even good sometimes.
If he does contact you, perhaps text him and let him know you need some time. What would you like? A couple of weeks to really clear your head before you speak to him again? It's very difficult to get clarity when you are right in the storm that is alcoholism.
Now you have the place to yourself, not with your parents and the stress of staying with others, a good time to think and decide what you want. Decide if you want to live with an alcoholic or not.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Have you checked out Al-Anon meetings at all?
I have a few suggestions to help when he does call. But first, want to follow up on what NYC said.
Boundaries are for you, not him, they are your own personal compass, if you like. What you mention are rules. Don't drink here. He breaks that "rule" you get angry (understandably).
A boundary is you saying, to yourself, for instance, I will not live with an alcoholic. Now how that will be enforced is up to you. Whether that's asking him to leave or you leaving, that's 100 percent in YOUR control. That's the difference, expecting someone to follow your rules vs making your own boundaries.
Anyway!
Make a list of all the terrible things he has done and said to you, short and to the point so you can quickly skim it to remind yourself. Maybe something like:
- Goes out drinking and stays out all night, one time he stayed out for 4 nights.
- Had a woman over to the apartment when I wasn't there.
- Drank all xmas eve and couldn't be bothered to see his daughter for more than a few minutes.
- Never does what he says he will
That kind of thing, write down everything you can think of, preferably with a pen on paper (or print it out) so you can carry it with you all the time and refer to it whenever you start thinking everything is "ok" or even good sometimes.
If he does contact you, perhaps text him and let him know you need some time. What would you like? A couple of weeks to really clear your head before you speak to him again? It's very difficult to get clarity when you are right in the storm that is alcoholism.
Now you have the place to yourself, not with your parents and the stress of staying with others, a good time to think and decide what you want. Decide if you want to live with an alcoholic or not.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Have you checked out Al-Anon meetings at all?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
I wish you the best. It isn't easy. I've been divorced twice, so I wouldn't be qualified to give you any relationship advice. I'm also 61 years old and my first thought is "why deal with it?" Ultimately, you have to do what is best for your child. Does any of the rest really matter?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
Thank you, Tralmix and NYC. I think setting and stick to my boundaries is extremely important. It's very difficult. I've sat and thought about it many times, and then time and time again I give in. Which is only causing me pain.
I wrote a lot down when he picked up and left. Right now we aren't in contact, and I'm hoping to keep it that way until Sunday when he is to see his daughter. I will have to re-write some things and continue to read them every day.
And it's true. There is no want to stop drinking. He still says he enjoys it, but then says otherwise when he is drunk and emotional, on occasion.
Feeling lonely, but he's usually working really late or out drinking so it's just me and my daughter, then me by myself most of the night away. So I'm telling myself it's pretty much the same thing, without the headache of wondering if he is drinking and lying to me all day.
Thank you both for your kind words.
I wrote a lot down when he picked up and left. Right now we aren't in contact, and I'm hoping to keep it that way until Sunday when he is to see his daughter. I will have to re-write some things and continue to read them every day.
And it's true. There is no want to stop drinking. He still says he enjoys it, but then says otherwise when he is drunk and emotional, on occasion.
Feeling lonely, but he's usually working really late or out drinking so it's just me and my daughter, then me by myself most of the night away. So I'm telling myself it's pretty much the same thing, without the headache of wondering if he is drinking and lying to me all day.
Thank you both for your kind words.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I’ve been listening to a lot of Echart Tolle videos. I highly recommend it. He talks about the state of being conscious/ aware. He says- “people operate on their level of consciousness”. Alcoholics are unconscious. That’s why there is rarely ever a solid resolve to any situation with an alcoholic. They say things / do things / but they don’t “think” about those things in a compassionate common sense manner. I know exactly how painful the situation you are in feels. I am certain though it will lead to blissful benefits. Keep feeding your mind - as you put yourself first and leave him to deal with his self.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
Yes, AH definitely doesn't think about things. The consequences of his decision. Like to do things/ make permanent decisions in the spur of the moment.
He messaged me this morning saying, "I'm going to start seeing other people I think."
Not that I was surprised, but it hurts. He did exactly that last time before he came begging me to come back to him. Anything and everything will happen. He will see other women. He will continue to drink and he the consequences of his actions will catch up to him.
Trying to keep my mind sane. Writing things down then trying not to dwell on them. Its hard.
He messaged me this morning saying, "I'm going to start seeing other people I think."
Not that I was surprised, but it hurts. He did exactly that last time before he came begging me to come back to him. Anything and everything will happen. He will see other women. He will continue to drink and he the consequences of his actions will catch up to him.
Trying to keep my mind sane. Writing things down then trying not to dwell on them. Its hard.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome Back.
Just like the other posters I also would fing myself going back to the A based on empty promises and a hope and a prayer... the Pollyanna delusion and crashing brain chemistry that is like a magnet and super glue tying us together for another round.
Eventually, after doing Groundhog Day again and again and hopefully immersing ourself in meetings, books, online audio speakers the phone rings and the A says the same things that always worked before and you don’t fall for it.
Like Lucy and the football being snatched out you know that you know that running headlong into the trap is no longer one of your fantasies or dream come true.
Getting to that AHA moment is the journey you are now on...do you ever listen to Alanon speakers online? Great way to build resolve after listening to the same story as yours over and over again with a lot of humor and laughter mixed in!
Reading... lots of great recommendations in threads. Codependant no More is a must. Lots of others.
Counseling alone with a good therapist who knows addiction. Can move you light years ahead.
Alanon meeting. Tire kick a bunch to find a group you resonate with.
without all the drama of the A fill it with good things for you... the path to freedom, peace and joy again starts with small steps!
Reclaim your life... guard your boundaries. You can do this and your child will benefit immensely!
Just like the other posters I also would fing myself going back to the A based on empty promises and a hope and a prayer... the Pollyanna delusion and crashing brain chemistry that is like a magnet and super glue tying us together for another round.
Eventually, after doing Groundhog Day again and again and hopefully immersing ourself in meetings, books, online audio speakers the phone rings and the A says the same things that always worked before and you don’t fall for it.
Like Lucy and the football being snatched out you know that you know that running headlong into the trap is no longer one of your fantasies or dream come true.
Getting to that AHA moment is the journey you are now on...do you ever listen to Alanon speakers online? Great way to build resolve after listening to the same story as yours over and over again with a lot of humor and laughter mixed in!
Reading... lots of great recommendations in threads. Codependant no More is a must. Lots of others.
Counseling alone with a good therapist who knows addiction. Can move you light years ahead.
Alanon meeting. Tire kick a bunch to find a group you resonate with.
without all the drama of the A fill it with good things for you... the path to freedom, peace and joy again starts with small steps!
Reclaim your life... guard your boundaries. You can do this and your child will benefit immensely!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Erza,
Glad to see you posting. As with every alcoholic, we fall off the wagon also, and then get back on. I feel it is the part that makes us stronger, one more try. We learn and grow stronger from it.
Education is power, what Hopeworks says. Eventually you will reclaim your life, but it takes time. It takes time to become an individual and stand for yourself. But it is no longer just about you, you have a child that is subjected to his drunkeness. How are you protecting your child when he is alone with her, is he drinking around her or driving with her. This is the thing that going through a separation or a divorce that you can make sure that she is always safe and protected. This is the most important thing that you need to make sure of, as you obviously can take care of yourself. Try and set some boundaries, that maybe they meet for breakfast when hopefully he is sober.
Educate yourself regarding life with an addict. I wasted 34 years of my life with the wash, rinse and repeat syndrome. Our addicts are not special snow flakes, they really are all a like. I am wishing you hope and clarity in 2020, and it brings you everything you deserve.
Glad to see you posting. As with every alcoholic, we fall off the wagon also, and then get back on. I feel it is the part that makes us stronger, one more try. We learn and grow stronger from it.
Education is power, what Hopeworks says. Eventually you will reclaim your life, but it takes time. It takes time to become an individual and stand for yourself. But it is no longer just about you, you have a child that is subjected to his drunkeness. How are you protecting your child when he is alone with her, is he drinking around her or driving with her. This is the thing that going through a separation or a divorce that you can make sure that she is always safe and protected. This is the most important thing that you need to make sure of, as you obviously can take care of yourself. Try and set some boundaries, that maybe they meet for breakfast when hopefully he is sober.
Educate yourself regarding life with an addict. I wasted 34 years of my life with the wash, rinse and repeat syndrome. Our addicts are not special snow flakes, they really are all a like. I am wishing you hope and clarity in 2020, and it brings you everything you deserve.
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