I swear this will be the LAST Christmas that sucks

Old 12-26-2019, 07:37 AM
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I swear this will be the LAST Christmas that sucks

I guess I got what I wanted. He hadn't drank in over 5 months since I first mentioned divorce in late July. My plan is to file for divorce the week of Jan 6, and part of me wanted him to go back to his usual ways so that I felt justified. Be careful what you wish for. After patting himself on the back all morning yesterday for not drinking for so long because he "loves me soooo much", he told me he was going to drink - just today. Was that ok? I just said, you do what you have to do. He got plastered.

The only thing that did for my mindset was push the love for him even farther away and make me more disgusted in him. I don't know if I can wait until Jan 5 to tell him I'm filing. He's having the time of his life while I suffer silently with the next steps I have to take.

I know I'm on the right path, but knowing it doesn't make it any less painful.
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Old 12-26-2019, 08:15 AM
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Sounds like a tough situation. It's obvious to me at this point, having been around alcoholics quite intimately for my entire 42 years, that although they MUST know the impact their drinking has on loved ones, they somehow manage to stow the thoughts away somewhere deep in the brain. They don't realize the extent of the damage they've caused, perhaps that it's in the past.

The pain is worse when the periods of sobriety are ended with such a binge. For the alcoholic, in their mind it is a "one-off", but for the affected loved one it is more like an avalanche and reminder of the cumulative events and emotions they have suffered through for so long.

For me, my dad is almost 80 and is in poor health and really can't drink at this point. Decided a few months ago to get hammered mid day, which resulted in him falling out of car and hitting head in driveway and my brother and I picking him up at hospital. Luckily for him (legal wise), they (ambulance) thought it was a heart issue initially and took him in, released him hours later due to "alcohol intoxication" only. The fact that he had clearly been driving was overlooked. It was beyond terrible for all. BAC was off the charts yet we get home and he claims he had "one beer".

Same thing with my girlfriend, as I noted here she has been pushing me beyond belief to get engaged and set a hard Dec 26th deadline for that to occur or she's out. Been halfway decent lately, but inevitably the short periods of sobriety all come crashing down. A 5 hour family Christmas eve party wasn't quite enough to get her fix, we had to stop at a casino on way home (she doesn't gamble, was just a place to be entertained and drink). After 2 more tequila drinks she became totally wasted, was stumbling around talking to everyone in sight, even though I had mentioned before we go in that people there are shady as **** and to stay close to me. She somehow also moseyed away for about 15 minutes and I couldn't find her. A nice little Christmas panic for me. Christmas day was actually one of the best days we've ever had, she just sipped drinks all day and stayed sober, probably in hopes getting the proposal which never came. She left this morning and shook my hand and sarcastically said "nice knowing ya".

Got a little off track there but wanted to basically say, hang in there and stay strong, I can totally relate to how hard this is and it's a brutal thing to have to live the endless Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hide life. You are not alone in this effort!
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Old 12-26-2019, 08:23 AM
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No it doesn't.

What you did, not being the "alcohol police" is commendable. I have to say I probably would have said no, don't drink (as much as I know it's a useless request). Your boundaries are strong.

It's still difficult and still hurtful, regardless of how much it is time to move on and regardless of how justified you might be, I know.

It will take time to move through it and past it. Next year I hope your xmas is the best yet!
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Old 12-26-2019, 08:24 AM
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Continue moving forward with strength and willingness
to achieve serenity and happiness in your own personal
life and well being.

You will also find support, care and understanding from
many here in SR to help you along your journey into
transitions in life so that you never have to be alone
or by yourself.

With each step moving forward you also become
stronger in heart, mind and soul.
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Old 12-28-2019, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by MaresyDoats View Post
I

I know I'm on the right path, but knowing it doesn't make it any less painful.
Yes, you are. Im sure its not something you just made up on a whim. Watching someone get smashed is horrible.
I agree with you - it pushes the love away. I'm not sure how to get it back once its been so badly damaged.
I'm not sure how I can trust my AH again with my feelings. It's all about him.
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Old 12-30-2019, 09:28 AM
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I'm having trouble sleeping again. The anxiety of filing divorce papers next week has my mind swirling constantly. He still believes everything is just fine - denial. I have written a short letter to give him sometime before he is served. I just don't feel right not having another conversation first. But he twists everything and gets me off track, so I think having my words on paper so nothing is forgotten might be the best route. Then he can twist away, but nothing is changing my mind this time.
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Old 12-31-2019, 12:36 AM
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Originally Posted by MaresyDoats View Post
I have written a short letter to give him sometime before he is served. I just don't feel right not having another conversation first. But he twists everything and gets me off track, so I think having my words on paper so nothing is forgotten might be the best route. Then he can twist away, but nothing is changing my mind this time.
Good thinking MD. No point in a pointless conversation. Might be best to give him the letter very close to being served.
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Old 12-31-2019, 04:34 PM
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Marsey,
Divorce takes a very long time, I am not sure why you are waiting. He blew 5 months of sobriety and didn't care. Also, I am not sure why you would want to tell him, he is just going to dodge the person serving the papers. I am sure you warned him more than once that if he drank you were filing. I don't think you need to be lovey dovey on why you filed. FILE!! Let it fall where it needs to go.

You are not his babysitter. If he was concerned of your plans, he would have stayed sober. Do what you threatened, as I am sure that he doesn't even think you have the guts to do it. But only do it if you have the strength to follow through. This is not a game, only do it if you plan on doing it. Lots will change in the next 6 to 10 months that he could "show" you his sobriety, but nothing is ever going to change. wash, rinse, repeat!!

Hugs my friend, you deserve better!!
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Old 01-02-2020, 07:34 AM
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Well, today is the beginning of the end! I left him the letter when I went to work this morning. My daughter has been home from college and using my car. I didn't want to start it without having a car. She's going to her dad's today, so everything is in place. He reads my letter today (which doesn't blame him, just states all my reasons), tomorrow I meet with the paralegal to get the documents filed with the court. Next week he will be served.
My best friend from another state happens to be in town today, so I will be spending the afternoon with her before heading home to see what I have to deal with - a drunken fool or a begging husband. Either way, it's begun and will not be stopped. I'm both anxious and excited.
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Old 01-02-2020, 07:44 AM
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MD, also be prepared for the possibility that he has not read your letter by the time you get home.
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Old 01-02-2020, 07:46 AM
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Good point. Pretty sure he will as I left it on top of his phone. But that's ok too. He can read it with me standing there.
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Old 01-02-2020, 10:29 AM
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Maresy…...Good for you on taking the action to actuallychange your situation for yourself!!
As you know....he may find ways to be resistant....so, I hope that you remember that you don't need to JADE, if you don't want to....

J...justify
A..argue
D...defend
E..Explain
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Old 01-02-2020, 11:22 AM
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Sending you lots of strength!
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