Went to a bar. Encouraging post.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 308
Went to a bar. Encouraging post.
This post is for anyone who thinks they won’t be the same person when sober.
I live in northern Wisconsin. Bars are a way of life up here. Sad but true. There is no way I can live my life without going to bars with friends and family. I’m perfecting fine with that. After my health scare, I’ve made the decision that I’m done drinking and not looking back.
It’s an annual tradition in my family to see a movie and then go to a nice local bar afterwards. I decided to join for the bar afterwards.
My wife and mother were hesitant if I should join. I assured them I wanted to go. Beers were flowing across the table. One after the other. I kid you not, there was not one cell in my brain that missed having that drink. I was pounding lemonade like there was an international shortage.
Like most here, I was afraid I wouldn’t be “myself” if I was sober. I wasn’t. I was better. Not only was I cracking my dumb sarcastic jokes but I was also having conversations about people’s lives and actually caring to listen to them.
The idea of this post was not to say “look at me, I went to a bar and stayed sober”. I know I’m lucky to be able to do that as I lot of people would struggle. This was meant to prove that the voice in your head that says you can’t be “you” when sober is complete BS. You will be a better person. I promise you this.
I live in northern Wisconsin. Bars are a way of life up here. Sad but true. There is no way I can live my life without going to bars with friends and family. I’m perfecting fine with that. After my health scare, I’ve made the decision that I’m done drinking and not looking back.
It’s an annual tradition in my family to see a movie and then go to a nice local bar afterwards. I decided to join for the bar afterwards.
My wife and mother were hesitant if I should join. I assured them I wanted to go. Beers were flowing across the table. One after the other. I kid you not, there was not one cell in my brain that missed having that drink. I was pounding lemonade like there was an international shortage.
Like most here, I was afraid I wouldn’t be “myself” if I was sober. I wasn’t. I was better. Not only was I cracking my dumb sarcastic jokes but I was also having conversations about people’s lives and actually caring to listen to them.
The idea of this post was not to say “look at me, I went to a bar and stayed sober”. I know I’m lucky to be able to do that as I lot of people would struggle. This was meant to prove that the voice in your head that says you can’t be “you” when sober is complete BS. You will be a better person. I promise you this.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 533
I briefly dated someone from Wittenburgh sp?) before I came to the conclusion that I was happier single 
We drove up there from Florida and I have to say I was shocked at how everyones entire social life revolved around the local watering hole.
Good for you for breaking free of that
Turned me off to dating AND the Midwest.
We drove up there from Florida and I have to say I was shocked at how everyones entire social life revolved around the local watering hole.
Good for you for breaking free of that
Turned me off to dating AND the Midwest.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Congrats on being able to discover you! Put focus on the authentic you and your feelings around love ones.
I bet you feel rested and content today. Not many bars in Boston area at Christmas mostly Chinese food bars and I drove by a few of them yesterday. It was nice to hit the pillow clear headed and ready for a real slumber instead of passing out drunk...
Merry Christmas
I bet you feel rested and content today. Not many bars in Boston area at Christmas mostly Chinese food bars and I drove by a few of them yesterday. It was nice to hit the pillow clear headed and ready for a real slumber instead of passing out drunk...
Merry Christmas
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
I agree with you. I too go to a local watering hole. With my girlfriend. I have to remember I have the problem not her. But anyways this watering hole / family restaurant has some outstanding food. And to boot I sit at the bar cause there is no waiting there. Its always packed. My waitress bartender already knows my poison h2o with extra lemon. I got the big tv in front of me. Get my food and chow. Peaple watch. This is my journey not.anybody else's. I get some folks coudnt do it. And I get it. I'm not trying to be cocky and over confident but I'm just hungry lol. ✌
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: NY
Posts: 327
I drank in a bar everyday , when I stopped I still hung out in the bar maybe twice a week after a couple of months I realized this is boring and time to really change my life. Sooner or later I would have picked up.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
This just makes me go "um, not a good idea." Wanting to be the same person I was when drinking? No, thanks. No idea what I would be like sober? None. Way better than I could have thought? In spades.
Making good choices in early sobriety in particular is never a bad idea. Trying to do things you used to, like you used to, just minus alcohol, as an example....usually not a good idea.
Making good choices in early sobriety in particular is never a bad idea. Trying to do things you used to, like you used to, just minus alcohol, as an example....usually not a good idea.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I hate being Dee Downer on posts like this VMc but I think it's important to share. Here's my experience for what it's worth.
Bars are a way of life here in Australia too but I couldn't be in them at all for any reason my first year sober.
Whenever I would quit I would want to stay the same not change - that meant hanging out with the same people, in the same places, doing the same things - and I'd wonder why I kept going back to drinking.
It wasn't a weakness thing or a peer pressure thing. It was a me thing.
I was professing sobriety on one level...and it did feel good to walk out of a bar sober...but inevitably I'd crack
I kept hoping, deep down, I'd find the mythical off switch, and somehow become a normal drinker.
My old life was geared to drinking.
If I wanted to stop drinking, I needed to change my life.
that worked.
I see folks here who say they can just stop drinking and change nothing else.
I hope you're one of them Vinny - but I'm not.
D
Bars are a way of life here in Australia too but I couldn't be in them at all for any reason my first year sober.
Whenever I would quit I would want to stay the same not change - that meant hanging out with the same people, in the same places, doing the same things - and I'd wonder why I kept going back to drinking.
It wasn't a weakness thing or a peer pressure thing. It was a me thing.
I was professing sobriety on one level...and it did feel good to walk out of a bar sober...but inevitably I'd crack
I kept hoping, deep down, I'd find the mythical off switch, and somehow become a normal drinker.
My old life was geared to drinking.
If I wanted to stop drinking, I needed to change my life.
that worked.
I see folks here who say they can just stop drinking and change nothing else.
I hope you're one of them Vinny - but I'm not.
D
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I steered clear of the bars for most of the first year of my sobriety. In early 'attempts' I'd white knuckle it for a few visits and end up having the "just one" eventually. Nowadays I may go to a bar to catch a game with friends occasionally but, really don't even enjoy it. I do business lunches and stuff at bars again now but, have zero interest in ever drinking again so it's not a big deal. In early sobriety though, I had to stop doing that because I would always eventually drink. Like Dee and most I had to change my whole life around because I had built my previous 'life' around drinking for so long.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 308
All advice is appreciated! I’m very new to this sobriety thing and obviously everything feels great right now. I know there will be hard days. I just know I can’t ignore the fact that alcohol will be around me one way or another the rest of my life. It’s just a way of life due to it being unbelievably socially accepted.
I was never a big bar drinker. I did my damage at home. Hence the reason alcohol is not allowed in our house anymore. Thanks for the replies! I really do take the time and assess everyone of them.
I was never a big bar drinker. I did my damage at home. Hence the reason alcohol is not allowed in our house anymore. Thanks for the replies! I really do take the time and assess everyone of them.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Dee said my thoughts very well. I really cannot stress enough that putting yourself into unnecessary situations a few days in is a bad idea. You're also posting about eating and weight and all that- there really is so much to think about and want to have change when we quit, isn't there?!
But the MOST important thing is not to drink. Taking that off the table (literally) and putting it out of the option category frees up so much brain space to deal with the rest of it - stuff that starts to be good for us.
A few days in - what are you doing for your sobriety other than not drinking? Again, the not drinking + putting ourselves in same old/some variation situation is not enough for most of us.
But the MOST important thing is not to drink. Taking that off the table (literally) and putting it out of the option category frees up so much brain space to deal with the rest of it - stuff that starts to be good for us.
A few days in - what are you doing for your sobriety other than not drinking? Again, the not drinking + putting ourselves in same old/some variation situation is not enough for most of us.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 388
I 100% agree with August's comment that the most important thing is too not drink. Take it off the table.
I find avoiding situations with alcohol is impossible. For one, my wife drinks so it's always in the house.
Alcohol is also available in almost every restaurant, the bar at the hotel, friends and families houses, movie theaters, even when I take the kids to chuck E Cheese.
For me to be successful I had to have the mindset that no matter what I would not drink.
I find avoiding situations with alcohol is impossible. For one, my wife drinks so it's always in the house.
Alcohol is also available in almost every restaurant, the bar at the hotel, friends and families houses, movie theaters, even when I take the kids to chuck E Cheese.
For me to be successful I had to have the mindset that no matter what I would not drink.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 87
I think it may be OK for some but not others. It really depends on your stage in recovery and mind set. I think the distinction lies in whether we have fully surrendered (eg. Step 1)
Before I surrendered to the fact that I will never be able to drink again, I would get a couple of months of sobriety and then 'not want to stand out at a party' and have a few because 'I deserve it' and 'I can handle it now', so I would have been better off staying home.
After surrender, I can be in any situation and just not drink. To me personally, it's important to not let my affliction limit me in any way.
I'm a last minute Christmas shopper and shopping always gave me anxiety. My yearly routine was to stop at a big shopping center a few days before Christmas. There is a big bar / restaurant right in the middle of the center and I would make that my first stop to get a good buzz on for shopping.(I needed a good buzz on to do almost anything in those days) They have good food and lots of beers on tap, so I looked forward to it every year.
This being my first dry Christmas, I still wanted to go to the same place, sit at the bar and enjoy the food, except this time my poison was Coke Zero. It was a beautiful, empowering experience. The biggest difference is that I realized that I didn't have any shopping to do because my life is a lot less chaotic now.
That said, I do believe we should be very careful in early sobriety and establish healthy separation. The degree of separation necessary is different for all of us.
SC
Before I surrendered to the fact that I will never be able to drink again, I would get a couple of months of sobriety and then 'not want to stand out at a party' and have a few because 'I deserve it' and 'I can handle it now', so I would have been better off staying home.
After surrender, I can be in any situation and just not drink. To me personally, it's important to not let my affliction limit me in any way.
I'm a last minute Christmas shopper and shopping always gave me anxiety. My yearly routine was to stop at a big shopping center a few days before Christmas. There is a big bar / restaurant right in the middle of the center and I would make that my first stop to get a good buzz on for shopping.(I needed a good buzz on to do almost anything in those days) They have good food and lots of beers on tap, so I looked forward to it every year.
This being my first dry Christmas, I still wanted to go to the same place, sit at the bar and enjoy the food, except this time my poison was Coke Zero. It was a beautiful, empowering experience. The biggest difference is that I realized that I didn't have any shopping to do because my life is a lot less chaotic now.
That said, I do believe we should be very careful in early sobriety and establish healthy separation. The degree of separation necessary is different for all of us.
SC
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
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To be clear- I believe alcoholics absolutely CAN be around alcohol and not drink. Everyone is correct in saying it's all around us.
BUT my (dead nail hammered) thing here is that at first - we just don't need to put it out there, put ourselves around it, etc. I'd say that a spouse who drinks is an opportunity for a conversation - again, about what is best for us at first.
My adamant point, and those who don't know me here prob haven't heard me always repeat it - I was "overly" conservative about every choice I made as I got sober. Once I heard "No" is a complete sentence and it registered, I realized that no person, situation, restaurant, anything meant that I had to be somewhere, or needed to put anything ahead of not drinking.
My only end game is to die sober. Doing whatever was needed at first - meaning, time with only a few close people, AA meetings, any kind of distraction needed in the eve, naps, dr visits for all things, ice cream, not taking the same route past fave liquor stores or going to eat at the places or similar ones I used to...whatever. Literally.
A few months, six or nine months (note: I went to my first dinner party at 7 mo and had my first experience w alcohol in food), first party at 14, wedding at 19....so on - why? Because I had choice. Over everything - and I began to realize what I really wanted to do and only did that.
I think y'all get the gist, but I'm happy to keep elaborating and being consistently redundant about this important topic. It trips MANY people up in early sobriety- and it doesn't have to. Risk v reward....
BUT my (dead nail hammered) thing here is that at first - we just don't need to put it out there, put ourselves around it, etc. I'd say that a spouse who drinks is an opportunity for a conversation - again, about what is best for us at first.
My adamant point, and those who don't know me here prob haven't heard me always repeat it - I was "overly" conservative about every choice I made as I got sober. Once I heard "No" is a complete sentence and it registered, I realized that no person, situation, restaurant, anything meant that I had to be somewhere, or needed to put anything ahead of not drinking.
My only end game is to die sober. Doing whatever was needed at first - meaning, time with only a few close people, AA meetings, any kind of distraction needed in the eve, naps, dr visits for all things, ice cream, not taking the same route past fave liquor stores or going to eat at the places or similar ones I used to...whatever. Literally.
A few months, six or nine months (note: I went to my first dinner party at 7 mo and had my first experience w alcohol in food), first party at 14, wedding at 19....so on - why? Because I had choice. Over everything - and I began to realize what I really wanted to do and only did that.
I think y'all get the gist, but I'm happy to keep elaborating and being consistently redundant about this important topic. It trips MANY people up in early sobriety- and it doesn't have to. Risk v reward....
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 308
This thread took on a whole different conversation as to what I was trying to convey and that’s my fault. I should have labeled it differently.
My point was my social personality actually improved without drinking as I know a lot of people are scared of that.
The whole bar and being around alcohol is a whole different can of worms.
I shouldn’t have put the two together. Sorry for the confusion.
My point was my social personality actually improved without drinking as I know a lot of people are scared of that.
The whole bar and being around alcohol is a whole different can of worms.
I shouldn’t have put the two together. Sorry for the confusion.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
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I did get your OP - and part of why I participated in the shift in conversation (or, truly, addition to your initial thought) is frankly, a few days in I'm always skeptical of folks talking about success going out to places they could drink, and affirming such to others.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by VinnyMcM 
This thread took on a whole different conversation as to what I was trying to convey and that’s my fault. I should have labeled it differently.
My point was my social personality actually improved without drinking as I know a lot of people are scared of that.
The whole bar and being around alcohol is a whole different can of worms.
I shouldn’t have put the two together. Sorry for the confusion.
My point was my social personality actually improved without drinking as I know a lot of people are scared of that.
The whole bar and being around alcohol is a whole different can of worms.
I shouldn’t have put the two together. Sorry for the confusion.
I think my anxiety if finally getting used to the fact that it's not going to be medicated so it might as well give up.
Sounds like you are ahead of the game and it only gets better.
SC
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
I'm a person who put myself in situations like you did and remained sober. But you should have a plan in case you end up in places like that and have a different reaction. Exit plans, someone to call etc
Also as confident as you may be in your new sobriety, I think you sound wise in knowing that you won't always. You need a plan, you need to be ready. But it sounds like you have the right mindset. Congrats on the sober time. Keep it moving.
Also as confident as you may be in your new sobriety, I think you sound wise in knowing that you won't always. You need a plan, you need to be ready. But it sounds like you have the right mindset. Congrats on the sober time. Keep it moving.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I understood the main point of your OP, Vinny. One of the things I was most afraid of when I realized I needed to quit was "Will I still be able to have fun socializing, or will I become isolated and boring?" I was really afraid of that, but I was more afraid of continuing to drink.
I also live in Wisconsin. It is true that, especially in small towns like mine, most socializing is done in bars. Not everyone goes there to drink or get drunk, it's just where the people are. Very early in sobriety, I steered clear of that kind of socializing. I wasn't about to put myself in risky situations. But as time went on, I knew I had surrendered fully and that I had zero desire to drink again. I dipped my toe into the bar waters slowly and carefully. Only went to places that were Bar/Restaurant type places if I were there to eat a meal. I found I could sit at the bar, eat, joke and socialize with my friends, go home after eating, and be just fine. Never sat there wishing I were drinking. I like myself so much better booze-free that I think (know) I'm better company now than I was before. It's a relief. I still err on the side of caution if I've had a bad day or if I'm extra stressed out, and stay close to home with a home-cooked meal and a cozy cuddle with my cats, but I'm glad I can still participate in a limited way in the main way of socializing around these parts.
I also live in Wisconsin. It is true that, especially in small towns like mine, most socializing is done in bars. Not everyone goes there to drink or get drunk, it's just where the people are. Very early in sobriety, I steered clear of that kind of socializing. I wasn't about to put myself in risky situations. But as time went on, I knew I had surrendered fully and that I had zero desire to drink again. I dipped my toe into the bar waters slowly and carefully. Only went to places that were Bar/Restaurant type places if I were there to eat a meal. I found I could sit at the bar, eat, joke and socialize with my friends, go home after eating, and be just fine. Never sat there wishing I were drinking. I like myself so much better booze-free that I think (know) I'm better company now than I was before. It's a relief. I still err on the side of caution if I've had a bad day or if I'm extra stressed out, and stay close to home with a home-cooked meal and a cozy cuddle with my cats, but I'm glad I can still participate in a limited way in the main way of socializing around these parts.
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