Finally pulling the plug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 34
Finally pulling the plug
First of all, Merry Christmas!
I had a long talk with a friend who used to be an addiction counselor last night. I’ve been struggling emotionally with the fact that I promised to pay for XAGF to have a place to stay while she finished sober living. It isn’t a financial burden for me. I made the promise and told her there were no strings attached. This was my way of paying my debt to her for all of the emotional support she gave me through my contentious divorce.
Through her stay at sober living we ended up breaking up. She has gradually been treating me worse and worse. The final act was her talking badly about me publicly on Facebook, but not mentioning me by name. She was upset because I stuck by my boundaries and refused to let her come over Christmas Eve on short notice. The last time I let her come over like that, she was incredibly rude to me, brought some random friend with her I’d never met, and left without a word. Some of my friends aw the post and commented defending my decision. She then deleted the post, but not before some of her new friends made comments that let me know this isn’t the first time she’s talked badly about me to them.
My friend the counselor helped me reason through how letting her treat me badly while turning a blind eye towards her treatment of me was only excusing and reinforcing her behavior. He said that since she is adamant about staying in her current city because she “wants to learn personal responsibility and be independent”, I should use her words to frame my decision to stop helping her. Tell her that I fully support her decision to do this and as such, I will no longer be helping her.
I’ve chosen to delay until tomorrow, because I don’t want her to ruin everyone’s Christmas Day with her predictable meltdown. I also want to give her family a heads up before I do this. They are 100% behind me and always defend me to her when she gets upset.
My resolve is softening as time ticks by. I still want to do this, but am feeling extreme guilt. Nearly everyone she’s been close to and loved has given up on her and walked away. I just feel like this will be the final straw that breaks her. Maybe that will be a good thing for her, I don’t know. I just feel the finality of this settling in and coming to grips with it truly being over, even any type of friendship, is heart breaking. However, her sobriety process has unmasked the monster that she is now and I’m at my emotional end.
I’m afraid that these new recovery friends of hers will show their true colors and abandon her when she is in need. I’m angry at how this recovery process has unfolded. I’m angry for letting myself hold out hope for so long. I’m angry at her for making stupid decisions, that seemed so easy to avoid. I’m angry at how easily she has thrown away all the love, care, and support her family and I have shown her. I’m sad that she’s pushed me so far that my biggest fear is coming true, I am waking up and realizing I no longer love her the way I used to. I am angry that my Christmas has been spent wrestling with this situation instead of being happy with my family. I’m angry that doing this will likely end any Hope I have of getting closure and confronting her. I’m sad that this disease has ruined a wonderful person and her recovery has made her into a psychopath. I’m angry that people I know who went through recovery have improved their lives and it didn’t destroy their relationships/family. I’m angry that I feel I’ve wasted years of my life with what was a wonderful person and it’s going to end like this.
I had a long talk with a friend who used to be an addiction counselor last night. I’ve been struggling emotionally with the fact that I promised to pay for XAGF to have a place to stay while she finished sober living. It isn’t a financial burden for me. I made the promise and told her there were no strings attached. This was my way of paying my debt to her for all of the emotional support she gave me through my contentious divorce.
Through her stay at sober living we ended up breaking up. She has gradually been treating me worse and worse. The final act was her talking badly about me publicly on Facebook, but not mentioning me by name. She was upset because I stuck by my boundaries and refused to let her come over Christmas Eve on short notice. The last time I let her come over like that, she was incredibly rude to me, brought some random friend with her I’d never met, and left without a word. Some of my friends aw the post and commented defending my decision. She then deleted the post, but not before some of her new friends made comments that let me know this isn’t the first time she’s talked badly about me to them.
My friend the counselor helped me reason through how letting her treat me badly while turning a blind eye towards her treatment of me was only excusing and reinforcing her behavior. He said that since she is adamant about staying in her current city because she “wants to learn personal responsibility and be independent”, I should use her words to frame my decision to stop helping her. Tell her that I fully support her decision to do this and as such, I will no longer be helping her.
I’ve chosen to delay until tomorrow, because I don’t want her to ruin everyone’s Christmas Day with her predictable meltdown. I also want to give her family a heads up before I do this. They are 100% behind me and always defend me to her when she gets upset.
My resolve is softening as time ticks by. I still want to do this, but am feeling extreme guilt. Nearly everyone she’s been close to and loved has given up on her and walked away. I just feel like this will be the final straw that breaks her. Maybe that will be a good thing for her, I don’t know. I just feel the finality of this settling in and coming to grips with it truly being over, even any type of friendship, is heart breaking. However, her sobriety process has unmasked the monster that she is now and I’m at my emotional end.
I’m afraid that these new recovery friends of hers will show their true colors and abandon her when she is in need. I’m angry at how this recovery process has unfolded. I’m angry for letting myself hold out hope for so long. I’m angry at her for making stupid decisions, that seemed so easy to avoid. I’m angry at how easily she has thrown away all the love, care, and support her family and I have shown her. I’m sad that she’s pushed me so far that my biggest fear is coming true, I am waking up and realizing I no longer love her the way I used to. I am angry that my Christmas has been spent wrestling with this situation instead of being happy with my family. I’m angry that doing this will likely end any Hope I have of getting closure and confronting her. I’m sad that this disease has ruined a wonderful person and her recovery has made her into a psychopath. I’m angry that people I know who went through recovery have improved their lives and it didn’t destroy their relationships/family. I’m angry that I feel I’ve wasted years of my life with what was a wonderful person and it’s going to end like this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Well, you know, people can stop drinking (assuming she is still sober) and that doesn't mean they will be like they were when they were drinking. Or like they were drunk or sober.
She has manipulated you, she showed up at your place with an hour and a half notice and brought her friend and didn't speak to you while she was there.
Then there is all the manipulation you have spotted.
I'm not saying she will always be like this, of course, but it certainly doesn't sound like she has embraced recovery.
If she wants to play petty games on FB, so be it, nothing to do with you. You should probably block her don't you think?
Now why is that? Well unfortunately you know all too well now. People can only take so much abuse. Few want to be anywhere near the tornado of addiction, it's damaging for everyone.
So you are pondering cutting her off financially? I think that is totally up to you, there is no right or wrong. You don't need more reasons than you have, on the other hand you said "no strings attached". Is there any timeline on that promise, helping her out for a certain number of months?
Does she have a job? If not, why not.
She has manipulated you, she showed up at your place with an hour and a half notice and brought her friend and didn't speak to you while she was there.
Then there is all the manipulation you have spotted.
I'm not saying she will always be like this, of course, but it certainly doesn't sound like she has embraced recovery.
If she wants to play petty games on FB, so be it, nothing to do with you. You should probably block her don't you think?
am feeling extreme guilt. Nearly everyone she’s been close to and loved has given up on her and walked away. I just feel like this will be the final straw that breaks her.
So you are pondering cutting her off financially? I think that is totally up to you, there is no right or wrong. You don't need more reasons than you have, on the other hand you said "no strings attached". Is there any timeline on that promise, helping her out for a certain number of months?
Does she have a job? If not, why not.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FossilHunter…...No doubt about it....facing reality hurts like *ell.
At one time, someone, here, on the forum had a quote that went something like this-----"Seldom are the curtains drawn back on reality without some pain".
Don't let the pain keep you from protecting yourself from HER alcoholism.
It is probably very fortuitous that she wants to remain in another town....for her and for you....
I suspect that the Universe is giving you a gift that you don.'t, yet, recognize.....
At one time, someone, here, on the forum had a quote that went something like this-----"Seldom are the curtains drawn back on reality without some pain".
Don't let the pain keep you from protecting yourself from HER alcoholism.
It is probably very fortuitous that she wants to remain in another town....for her and for you....
I suspect that the Universe is giving you a gift that you don.'t, yet, recognize.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by trailmix 
So you are pondering cutting her off financially? I think that is totally up to you, there is no right or wrong. You don't need more reasons than you have, on the other hand you said "no strings attached". Is there any timeline on that promise, helping her out for a certain number of months?
Does she have a job? If not, why not.
Does she have a job? If not, why not.
I’ve always struggled with the “no strings attached” caveat I put on it. My friend counseled me that even having said this, there should be an expectation of decency and basic respect accompanying it. He said and I agree that her treatment of me since then has shown that she has no basic level of respect for me, she is doing very little towards her recovery, and ultimately I am doing her more harm than good by protecting her from the consequences of her decisions (wanting to be independent and self sufficient and treating me like a door mat).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Yep FH, this sounds like a beyond rough Christmas for you.
I so so hope you can get to some degree of no-contact and start healing. She may actually achieve some level of sobriety but it sure doesn't appear in sight yet.
Courage and a hug to you.
I so so hope you can get to some degree of no-contact and start healing. She may actually achieve some level of sobriety but it sure doesn't appear in sight yet.
Courage and a hug to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
As fini said, this is actually about you, not her.
You could justify (to yourself) cutting off the financial help, no doubt about that. Her behaviour has been less than stellar (understatement).
But the promise is your side of the street, not hers.
Is that what you are struggling with?
It might have been an amazing experience that she grabbed on to and made work. But, that's her side of the street.
Another month in Sober living isn't going to hurt her, so I don't see that as enabling. Perhaps it would have been better for you to not have made that promise but you didn't know that at the time.
I think you are struggling with your integrity here?
You could justify (to yourself) cutting off the financial help, no doubt about that. Her behaviour has been less than stellar (understatement).
But the promise is your side of the street, not hers.
Is that what you are struggling with?
It might have been an amazing experience that she grabbed on to and made work. But, that's her side of the street.
Another month in Sober living isn't going to hurt her, so I don't see that as enabling. Perhaps it would have been better for you to not have made that promise but you didn't know that at the time.
I think you are struggling with your integrity here?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Promises can be binding, or there can be trusting our healthy instincts and allowing ourselves room to change our mind!
What I learn is changing each day. Good intentions and a willingness to help doesn't mean that at some point it's better self-care to completely step back from certain situations. If someone really wants recovery, they will find it.
What I learn is changing each day. Good intentions and a willingness to help doesn't mean that at some point it's better self-care to completely step back from certain situations. If someone really wants recovery, they will find it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I certainly made a lot of promises to her. A lot were financial in nature - no strings attached. I totally put my money where my mouth was. It was not just an all talk type of thing.
However some financial promises I made did get broken. These promises were made in a certain context. The context was blown apart & totally destroyed. I therefore did not & would not fulfill those promises.
My money didn't help her. Overall in hind sight it only served to make her worse. For years I enabled her to no end. She also eventually turned on me. Chewed me up & spit me out.
She made a lot of promises to me. I have the numerous letters, texts, & emails. Non of her promises were financial in nature. She absolutely broke every damn promise she ever made to me.
FH if you made her financial promises under a certain context & that context was destroyed by her - I do not believe you are obligated in any way shape or form to fulfill that promise.
BTW only you can decide if by fulfilling that promise it will serve to help or hurt her
However some financial promises I made did get broken. These promises were made in a certain context. The context was blown apart & totally destroyed. I therefore did not & would not fulfill those promises.
My money didn't help her. Overall in hind sight it only served to make her worse. For years I enabled her to no end. She also eventually turned on me. Chewed me up & spit me out.
She made a lot of promises to me. I have the numerous letters, texts, & emails. Non of her promises were financial in nature. She absolutely broke every damn promise she ever made to me.
FH if you made her financial promises under a certain context & that context was destroyed by her - I do not believe you are obligated in any way shape or form to fulfill that promise.
BTW only you can decide if by fulfilling that promise it will serve to help or hurt her
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
FH, you have the right to change your mind. Always. You made the offer in good faith, and her behavior does not reflect that in the slightest. You are never obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My resolve is softening as time ticks by. I still want to do this, but am feeling extreme guilt. Nearly everyone she’s been close to and loved has given up on her and walked away. I just feel like this will be the final straw that breaks her.
these "others" have the right to do what is best for THEM. to erect and protect secure boundaries and no longer enable or suffer abuse. there is a difference between Giving Up and Acceptance. seeing the other person as they truly are, letting go of the wishes that they will change and become someone else, acknowledging their actions as the reality.
you are not responsible for her. never were. if you had the power to BREAK her, you would also have the power to MAKE HER WHOLE again. and i'm sorry, but none of us possess such power or magic.
give her complete autonomy over her own life again. good or bad. as a full grown adult who manages their own life, just like the rest of us. allow her to experience the consequences of her choices and actions. she is not a small child that needs someone to assure she does not run into traffic, or eat an entire bottle of gummy vitamins.
these "others" have the right to do what is best for THEM. to erect and protect secure boundaries and no longer enable or suffer abuse. there is a difference between Giving Up and Acceptance. seeing the other person as they truly are, letting go of the wishes that they will change and become someone else, acknowledging their actions as the reality.
you are not responsible for her. never were. if you had the power to BREAK her, you would also have the power to MAKE HER WHOLE again. and i'm sorry, but none of us possess such power or magic.
give her complete autonomy over her own life again. good or bad. as a full grown adult who manages their own life, just like the rest of us. allow her to experience the consequences of her choices and actions. she is not a small child that needs someone to assure she does not run into traffic, or eat an entire bottle of gummy vitamins.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Sadly our A’s exploit our well intentioned obsession to smooth the path for our qualifier to reach the goal of “recovery”.
In our hopes and dreams we help them into programs, offer emotional and financial support and when they act like spoilt, hateful emotional vampires we search ourselves as to where did I go wrong? Should I keep my promises even though they never kept theirs?
As a hyper controlling Codie many years ago with my A qualifier I was efficiently smart enough to put it in writing! Did you get a contract?????
Hope that got a chuckle or a belly laugh out of the crowd because only YOUR promises count! A’s don’t believe in anything except what pleases them at each passing moment.
So... my A agreed in writing that if he relapsed he went immediately to detox! So why did he get mad as I was driving him to detox and try to jump out of the car??? It was in writing! He promised!
Normally I would have begged and cried and written a new contract. But I had a moment or clarity and told him very sweetly that I fully understood his wanting to get out of the car so I stepped on the gas and asked him to go ahead and jump out!
Needless to say he reconsidered and got out of a stopped car at the detox. I drove off and he went down the street and got another drink.
Point is ... promises, deals, contracts do not work in active addiction. Rehabs and sober living equip the serious person in recovery to get gainfully employed and support themselves in the halfway house. A month is plenty of time for her to get a job that pays enough to continue to stay in sober living.
Give her notice of when she is responsible for her rent. Block her and go no contact... count your blessings for they are many.
And my A? He went on to drink across the country and add new substances. Last I heard he was living on Skid Row in LA.
In our hopes and dreams we help them into programs, offer emotional and financial support and when they act like spoilt, hateful emotional vampires we search ourselves as to where did I go wrong? Should I keep my promises even though they never kept theirs?
As a hyper controlling Codie many years ago with my A qualifier I was efficiently smart enough to put it in writing! Did you get a contract?????
Hope that got a chuckle or a belly laugh out of the crowd because only YOUR promises count! A’s don’t believe in anything except what pleases them at each passing moment.
So... my A agreed in writing that if he relapsed he went immediately to detox! So why did he get mad as I was driving him to detox and try to jump out of the car??? It was in writing! He promised!
Normally I would have begged and cried and written a new contract. But I had a moment or clarity and told him very sweetly that I fully understood his wanting to get out of the car so I stepped on the gas and asked him to go ahead and jump out!
Needless to say he reconsidered and got out of a stopped car at the detox. I drove off and he went down the street and got another drink.
Point is ... promises, deals, contracts do not work in active addiction. Rehabs and sober living equip the serious person in recovery to get gainfully employed and support themselves in the halfway house. A month is plenty of time for her to get a job that pays enough to continue to stay in sober living.
Give her notice of when she is responsible for her rent. Block her and go no contact... count your blessings for they are many.
And my A? He went on to drink across the country and add new substances. Last I heard he was living on Skid Row in LA.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I may be in the minority here, but if I were you I would keep my promise. Yes, "contexts change", but contexts always change, and if that in itself were a reason for not following through on a commitment, your promises weren't really promises.
It sounds like you ended a romantic relationship while she was in rehab, she was very rude to you when she came to your house, and she trash-talked you on Facebook. This is painful, but is any of this something that you could not have reasonably foreseen at the time you promised to pay her rent after sober living? You already knew she was an alcoholic and not good material for a relationship. It's not like you are just now realizing she's pretty horrible.
Can you set a limit on your support - e.g. I will pay your rent for January and February (or whatever), and then it's all done, the end? This strikes me as a cleaner way to make the break than backing out of a commitment you made with full knowledge of what you were doing.
To be clear, in your position I would be doing this for myself, so I could look back on my actions with integrity, not because I wanted to be nice to the alcoholic or because I harboured hopes that my support would somehow change them or help them. It would be about my own self-esteem.
It sounds like you ended a romantic relationship while she was in rehab, she was very rude to you when she came to your house, and she trash-talked you on Facebook. This is painful, but is any of this something that you could not have reasonably foreseen at the time you promised to pay her rent after sober living? You already knew she was an alcoholic and not good material for a relationship. It's not like you are just now realizing she's pretty horrible.
Can you set a limit on your support - e.g. I will pay your rent for January and February (or whatever), and then it's all done, the end? This strikes me as a cleaner way to make the break than backing out of a commitment you made with full knowledge of what you were doing.
To be clear, in your position I would be doing this for myself, so I could look back on my actions with integrity, not because I wanted to be nice to the alcoholic or because I harboured hopes that my support would somehow change them or help them. It would be about my own self-esteem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 34
Thank you everyone for your thoughts.
I meditated and slept and then meditated and slept some more on it. I’ve found my peace in keeping my promise to pay until she is done in January. I will sleep soundly knowing I kept my last promise to her and will hope she finds her peace. We hurt each other through our anger and misunderstandings. I am going to end the cycle of ill feelings and angry thoughts.
I meditated and slept and then meditated and slept some more on it. I’ve found my peace in keeping my promise to pay until she is done in January. I will sleep soundly knowing I kept my last promise to her and will hope she finds her peace. We hurt each other through our anger and misunderstandings. I am going to end the cycle of ill feelings and angry thoughts.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
