NicLin

Tonight I finally felt the weight of this past year coming down on me.

I have felt low and have been fighting it, but tonight after a great meeting, I got home and pretty much broke down. I cried in front of my parents, which I do very rarely. They really don't know what to do when I do this, as I have acted like I have it together and kind of been a parent for them most of my life. They were kind which I appreciated.

It seems that I have not fully acknowledged exactly how much I have been through this year;

-Moved 3 times (am moving again this Friday)
-Got a divorce and ended an 8 year relationship
-Changed my entire career and got a new job in a new field
-Lost control of my life and ended up in hospital
-Became suicidal and almost didn't make it out
-Changed my friends and habits
-Admitted that I am an alcoholic and started intense AA work
-Realized that I have been drinking alcoholically since age 17 and have suffered numerous traumas in my life
-Had to begin over financially

All of this in one year.

I am not looking for a pity party, I understand that this was all due to my drinking. I am not a victim.

But still, this has been a hard year for 35 year old me. I am emotionally stunted, immature and have a lot of work to do before I can move forward in a relationship,or anything in my life.

My days consist of work, prayer, meditation, service and Self care. I have little time to think and stop, but today I didn't have a choice. It was like a wave crashing down on me. I feel weak, dizzy, overwhelmed and sad. I feel like a loser. I feel like a child who is lost. I feel scared.

I still have hope. I have willingness. I know this is temporary and I will soon feel different. I know that I cannot stop the work I have been doing vigilantly for 5 months. I know that I have no other choice. I know that I have to keep going.

Tomorrow, I will make a meeting, I will call my sponsor, call fellows, do my step work and take care of myself. I will exercise and get out of myself. I will do better. We can always do better.

I will not stop this journey. And I will log onto SR to see my family.

I love you all, you have no idea how important this place has become for me. You guys save me every night.

I love you. Very much.

Nic.

wildflower70

You can do this Nic, you sound strong in your sobriety. This sadness will pass.....blessings to you tonight.

HeadEast

Thank you for your post. 2019 has been a pretty awful year for me and I plan to write about it. My year probably wasn't as bad as yours, but it is a very close second. I think 2020 is going to be a better year for both of us. Take care.

Sushiroll

You've been through a lot go easy on yourself. We all need a good cry every now and then.
I hope the new year brings you some peace and calm.

Dee74

I hope 2020 will be a brilliant year for you NicLin

D

MythOfSisyphus

I feel for you, NicLin! I've been through a ton of changes over the last few years and went through some hard adjustments. I'm glad you're here at SR! You can do this.

Wastinglife

I feel for you Nic. I have struggled not only in 2019, but the last decade. However, I look forward to a new beginning in a brand new decade. Can't wait for the 2020's!

SoberStevie

The worst is over NicLin, my dear departed grandma used to say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Another of her sayings was, "This too shall pass".
She was right on both counts.
Sx

Mary88

That all sounds like a lot to deal with in one year.

Rose335

Dear NicLin - anyone would have struggled with the things you've faced (and conquered) this year. You have my admiration. And take a moment to remind yourself how strong you've been and how much better things are, moving forward. I really hope 2020 is your year. It would be well deserved.

Obladi

Nic, I'm glad you were able to let go enough to cry. Sounds like maybe you could use some more of that from time to time.

I suspect when you say this is all due to your drinking, that's an over-simplification. It kind of blames the victim, you know? Have you sought ought any therapy to supplement what sounds like your really diligent efforts in AA?

O

AAPJ

Count me as a NicLin fan and I realize I am making some guesses here so if I am missing or get something wrong here my apologies in advance.

But isn't the glass more than half full? While stressful I think you had a pretty good year. At the beginning of 2019 you were drinking alcoholically, had a set of friends who were not supportive of a sober lifestyle and were in a relationship that was not working well. At the end of 2019 you are sober, have a new group of friends and are working on your emotional maturity so that when you choose to get into another relationship it will have a more solid foundation because you are looking for someone with similar emotional maturity. We don't look for things in a partner that we don't have ourselves.

NL - I really hope you can see a positive side to all of this.

SoberRican

Aawe wow man thats some heavy-duty stuff right there brother. I'm right there with ya. Got alot of carnage that drinking only made worse. Because of all the drama I'll spare you the details. But look aint nothing wrong get that emotional thing off your chest. Think about it . you didnt drink about it. Your going thru motions but your mind is right. To get scummy now on top of all you going thru would really throw a wrench in things. Everything happens for a reason my friend. At the end of the day you will be good. One day at a time brother.

biminiblue

Nic, you are on the upward trend!

I think this time of year gets to a lot of us even without all those huge stresses you've overcome this year. Amazing really, when you look at your post.

Really good post you made, very self-aware. It's tough being an adult, no two ways around it. The struggle (I hear) makes you stronger. Bah! Bah, I say.

RecklessDrunk

I think for a lot of us that first year can be a hurricane of a year. It's not like we said my life is going so good that I will start going to aa.

My situation was pretty rocky as well and I was just short of turning 42. I felt like I'm supposed to have life figured out by now.

Now I understand, though I have to remind myself, this isn't for me to figure out, it's for God to figure out.

When I get all worked up like that I try and just turn it over to God. I have to remember its thy will be done, not reckless drunk's will be done. It's going to be ok, just stay sober and keep making good decisions. You drank for 18 years it's going to take time to iron every thing out. Relative to the amount of years that you drank, wouldn't you say that you are getting things turned around pretty quickly?

Callas

My first year of not drinking has been totally rubbish. I am hanging in, not sure what for. A miracle? Redemption? Hope.

faith823

From what I read from your post is New beginnings. Healthy beginnings and a whole new quality of life. You are growing. You are soul searching and learning about yourself. You are doing the work and you are recovering. Damn it can be painful. For me its like "setting a broken bone so it will heal" its going to hurt but there needs to be an adjustment in order to heal properly.
Today is tough. I kind of just want to get through the holidays. I really have nothing to fear I am just uncomfortable.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I really commend you for all the hard work and effort you are putting into yourself.
I promise this will all be worth it.

Anna

Nic, you are not a loser, not at all. You have saved yourself this year, and now you are ready to move into 2020. Be proud of what you accomplished this year and that you survived. 2020 will be a year for you to thrive. I hope, a year from now, you will be able to look and see how far you've come.

Delilah1

Hi Nic,

You’ve definitely been through a lot in 2019, and set yourself up to have a great 2020.

I hope all the tears you shed today allowed you to let go of your past, and will allow you to move forward with a great new year. You have so many good things going for you right now:
-sobriety
-A group of supportive friends through AA and on here.
-A new place to live, and hopefully settle for a bit.
- A new career
- The chance to find love again when you’re ready.

I hope you enjoy the holidays with family and friends, and I hope that 2020 brings you love, laughter, and happiness.

❤️ Delilah
-S

PhoenixJ

A blessing to have discovered stuff about yourself and a positive recovery so young. Well done.