Boyfriend alcoholic, gambling addict has gone silent
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Boyfriend alcoholic, gambling addict has gone silent
Hi,
I’m really struggling between being reluctantly ok and freaking out.
I have noticed a trend, boyfriend of 5 months tends to spend time with me on non payday weeks and weekends. He got paid last Friday, he said he was going to call me of course didn’t get anything until a drunken call at midnight wanting to come over. I told him to go home. He texted Saturday like nothing happened and I told him I was mad that when he says he is going to call he needs to call. I got a sorry I was busy and I have not heard from him since. This ghosting thing is making me crazy , anxiety and fear that he is done. Is this a typical , punish me because I set a boundary ? Is he dead? Is he in jail? Did he gamble all of his paycheck? How do I let this go and accept that he is just not that into me? Or could this be he is just and addict and nothing they do makes any sense at all?
I’m really struggling between being reluctantly ok and freaking out.
I have noticed a trend, boyfriend of 5 months tends to spend time with me on non payday weeks and weekends. He got paid last Friday, he said he was going to call me of course didn’t get anything until a drunken call at midnight wanting to come over. I told him to go home. He texted Saturday like nothing happened and I told him I was mad that when he says he is going to call he needs to call. I got a sorry I was busy and I have not heard from him since. This ghosting thing is making me crazy , anxiety and fear that he is done. Is this a typical , punish me because I set a boundary ? Is he dead? Is he in jail? Did he gamble all of his paycheck? How do I let this go and accept that he is just not that into me? Or could this be he is just and addict and nothing they do makes any sense at all?
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Originally Posted by horsegirl 
Or could this be he is just and addict and nothing they do makes any sense at all?
You have a BF who is a gambling addict and an alcoholic. When he gets paid he goes out and gets drunk and gambles. That's pretty predictable?
With addiction the addiction will ALWAYS come before you.
Is that what you want in a boyfriend?
You've known him 5 months - I agree with Optimist - run in the other direction. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
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Just curious...Is this the same boyfriend you have been writing about since 2014? If not, have you considered why you keep taking up with addicts? You deserve better, you know.
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Yes, I understand he is a new boyfriend.
I was reading one of your old threads, you got great advice there, especially the comments from dandylion, I hope you will review it.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...broke-off.html (I'm getting healthy ,he broke it off)
I was reading one of your old threads, you got great advice there, especially the comments from dandylion, I hope you will review it.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...broke-off.html (I'm getting healthy ,he broke it off)
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Run , the right thing to do , but so hard. I guess I’m just feeling rejection at its best . This is not a new pattern for this short relationship. And yes Sufi, you hit it on the head , why am I drawn to addicts? They tend to be charismatic, fun and most probably unattainable, it’s my addiction . I have been going to Alanon and have a sponsor , why am I fighting letting go and acceptance so hard ? I think it comes down to rejection , almost like I would do anything to avoid it , yet I choose people who are unavailable and ultimately reject me.
Last edited by horsegirl; 12-23-2019 at 04:38 PM. Reason: Typo
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Well, as you know addicts behave like addicts (by and large).
As you have said, this is a pattern for him, I wouldn't worry about his for a minute, he is probably at the casino or bar don't you think?
If you have a fear of abandonment, why do you choose men who will always choose something before you?
You know, therapy might not hurt. It could be something from your childhood, or something you haven't quite put your finger on?
You know you can't fix him and asking him to call when he says he will has resulted in him not calling. He sounds mean and disrespectful?
As you have said, this is a pattern for him, I wouldn't worry about his for a minute, he is probably at the casino or bar don't you think?
If you have a fear of abandonment, why do you choose men who will always choose something before you?
You know, therapy might not hurt. It could be something from your childhood, or something you haven't quite put your finger on?
You know you can't fix him and asking him to call when he says he will has resulted in him not calling. He sounds mean and disrespectful?
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TrailMix, oh my gosh! I just re read my post you linked. It’s the same relationship , just a different face. Rinse and repeat , or rinse and repeat with same person , just a different name . I am completely off my rocker !
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seeking the emotionally unavailable is often tied to family of origin dynamics. did you have issues with either mom or dad? was either just not "there" for you? did you either try to be the Perfect Child or act out in ways that brought negative attention?
until we make peace with our story, with our history, we are likely to continue to set the stage over and over again to try and change the outcome.
your healing starts as soon as you throw this one back - catch and release. and then go on a Man Ban while you take time for YOU.
until we make peace with our story, with our history, we are likely to continue to set the stage over and over again to try and change the outcome.
your healing starts as soon as you throw this one back - catch and release. and then go on a Man Ban while you take time for YOU.
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Originally Posted by horsegirl
Run , the right thing to do , but so hard. I guess I’m just feeling rejection at its best . This is not a new pattern for this short relationship. And yes Sufi, you hit it on the head , why am I drawn to addicts? They tend to be charismatic, fun and most probably unattainable, it’s my addiction . I have been going to Alanon and have a sponsor , why am I fighting letting go and acceptance so hard ? I think it comes down to rejection , almost like I would do anything to avoid it , yet I choose people who are unavailable and ultimately reject me.
Its not normal to go AWOL in a caring respectful relationship, nor do a drunken booty call. You don't have to put up with that.
Sounds like you have started to think about how you don't want to be treated. Your time is precious - don't waste your time on someone else's problems you don't have the power or responsibility to fix.
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This ghosting thing is making me crazy , anxiety and fear that he is done. Is this a typical , punish me because I set a boundary ? Is he dead? Is he in jail? Did he gamble all of his paycheck?
How do I let this go and accept that he is just not that into me?
I've dated somebody like that once or twice and in the end I prayed to the high heavens that they would NOT be into me and leave me alone. However, between the beginning and the end I felt guilty for "judging" them. Then I realized that a relationship solely based on pity is a doomed one.
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He got paid last Friday, he said he was going to call me of course didn’t get anything until a drunken call at midnight wanting to come over.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I don't know you but am sure you deserve better than this! Don't settle, life is too short to focus on very damaged people.
praying for peace tonight. Praying for acceptance. ThNk you
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Why would you want to be with somebody who would gamble away his paycheck and fill you up with anxiety just because you set a boundary?
Why in the world would you WANT somebody like you just described to be into you like that?
I've dated somebody like that once or twice and in the end I prayed to the high heavens that they would NOT be into me and leave me alone. However, between the beginning and the end I felt guilty for "judging" them. Then I realized that a relationship solely based on pity is a doomed one.
Why in the world would you WANT somebody like you just described to be into you like that?
I've dated somebody like that once or twice and in the end I prayed to the high heavens that they would NOT be into me and leave me alone. However, between the beginning and the end I felt guilty for "judging" them. Then I realized that a relationship solely based on pity is a doomed one.
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus
Get really clear on what your boundaries are - build on what you have started.
Its not normal to go AWOL in a caring respectful relationship, nor do a drunken booty call. You don't have to put up with that.
Sounds like you have started to think about how you don't want to be treated. Your time is precious - don't waste your time on someone else's problems you don't have the power or responsibility to fix.
Its not normal to go AWOL in a caring respectful relationship, nor do a drunken booty call. You don't have to put up with that.
Sounds like you have started to think about how you don't want to be treated. Your time is precious - don't waste your time on someone else's problems you don't have the power or responsibility to fix.
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Originally Posted by horsegirl
thank you ! I’m a little torn , but my friend and family are very happy that I am letting him go , or at least trying. Maybe it’s a good thing he has not contacted me .
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Originally Posted by horsegirl
thank you ! I’m a little torn , but my friend and family are very happy that I am letting him go , or at least trying. Maybe it’s a good thing he has not contacted me .
Now all you need is a plan! If he does contact you, do you have one? I ask because by him just taking off and not contacting you and you worrying etc - and you waiting to see what HE does, it takes your power away.
You get to call your own shots. Do you want to be involved with someone who would do that to you? If not, perhaps be prepared with a response if he does try to contact you, you call the shots.
If that means not answering the phone or responding to his text - then it does, these are your choices, not his.
You know, there are plenty of nice guys out there that aren't addicts, that call when they say they will call, that treat you nicely and with respect, that don't call you drunk in the middle of the night to come over, that are reliable and kind.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes it may well be.
Now all you need is a plan! If he does contact you, do you have one? I ask because by him just taking off and not contacting you and you worrying etc - and you waiting to see what HE does, it takes your power away.
You get to call your own shots. Do you want to be involved with someone who would do that to you? If not, perhaps be prepared with a response if he does try to contact you, you call the shots.
If that means not answering the phone or responding to his text - then it does, these are your choices, not his.
You know, there are plenty of nice guys out there that aren't addicts, that call when they say they will call, that treat you nicely and with respect, that don't call you drunk in the middle of the night to come over, that are reliable and kind.
Now all you need is a plan! If he does contact you, do you have one? I ask because by him just taking off and not contacting you and you worrying etc - and you waiting to see what HE does, it takes your power away.
You get to call your own shots. Do you want to be involved with someone who would do that to you? If not, perhaps be prepared with a response if he does try to contact you, you call the shots.
If that means not answering the phone or responding to his text - then it does, these are your choices, not his.
You know, there are plenty of nice guys out there that aren't addicts, that call when they say they will call, that treat you nicely and with respect, that don't call you drunk in the middle of the night to come over, that are reliable and kind.
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I would contact the friends for the money.
That has to be part of your firm commitment to end this relationship now though (again, that is within your power, not just his).
Speaking to him is probably not really worthwhile? What are your terms?
Not contacting him at all, not responding if he ever does (which I never recommend as in going NC without saying - going NC) except in situations such as this. He has done this, your answer can be your silence, that's where you take your power back, by being done with being treated poorly.
I'm not saying this isn't going to hurt you, no doubt it will but as another member here says, it's short term pain for long term gain. Guaranteed if you continue with him it's just more pain for you.
That has to be part of your firm commitment to end this relationship now though (again, that is within your power, not just his).
Speaking to him is probably not really worthwhile? What are your terms?
Not contacting him at all, not responding if he ever does (which I never recommend as in going NC without saying - going NC) except in situations such as this. He has done this, your answer can be your silence, that's where you take your power back, by being done with being treated poorly.
I'm not saying this isn't going to hurt you, no doubt it will but as another member here says, it's short term pain for long term gain. Guaranteed if you continue with him it's just more pain for you.
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