I can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
I can do this.
I ended up telling him that I plan to stay when I go back home after Christmas. He straight up asked me when we were coming back while he was cooking dinner and I said I wasn't sure and he said 'you're not planning on going and not coming back and not telling me until after you're already there, are you? Because that would be cruel.' And I said I NEED to go, to be away for a while. I need to work on me and he needs to work on him. And I need to be back home so I have the proper support. That I cannot live in this house anymore wondering whenever he's out of my sight if he's sneaking drinks. Or wondering when I go on a bike ride with my 4 year old if I'll come home and he's had anything to drink in the 45 minutes I've been away.
He's literally begging me to stay. Saying that I should take a vacation or do therapy. That he's agreed to not drink until he feels like he's mastered his alcoholism. Mastered your alcoholism?! NO. NO DEAL. THAT'S NOT A THING. That he agreed to do counseling and if that doesn't work that he'll do the IOP. And that I should stay for the children, they're better off here.
I told him I just need time and space away and he keeps saying he doesn't know why but that he has a terrible feeling about this and he doesn't want me to go.
He says he's so sure that he can do it this time that if I stay and he fails that I can simply just divorce him and wash my hands of him 'because that's what I really want' he says. That's not what I really want. I want my sober husband 100% of the time. That guy, the one I've stayed for. The one I love with my whole heart. And if the A in him takes over I just need to accept that he's not that person anymore. And the more he 'tries' with the alcohol, the more the addiction takes over, and the less of the him I love is in there. If he makes that choice, then I need to just move on.
I need to go. I'm having my realtor write up a lease offer. My AH has reluctantly agreed to help me load up furniture in a trailer the day after XMAS so I can take it with me. Every step I take towards leaving hurts, it feels like I'm rubbing against sand paper. Going against the grain. It doesn't feel good, but I know it's the right thing to do. Even as I type this, I cannot believe I'm saying it.
I need to go through with it and I'm scared I won't. But I push forward anyway, making plans. One foot in front of the other until I'm driving off with furniture. Baby steps.
This. F*cking. Sucks.
He's literally begging me to stay. Saying that I should take a vacation or do therapy. That he's agreed to not drink until he feels like he's mastered his alcoholism. Mastered your alcoholism?! NO. NO DEAL. THAT'S NOT A THING. That he agreed to do counseling and if that doesn't work that he'll do the IOP. And that I should stay for the children, they're better off here.
I told him I just need time and space away and he keeps saying he doesn't know why but that he has a terrible feeling about this and he doesn't want me to go.
He says he's so sure that he can do it this time that if I stay and he fails that I can simply just divorce him and wash my hands of him 'because that's what I really want' he says. That's not what I really want. I want my sober husband 100% of the time. That guy, the one I've stayed for. The one I love with my whole heart. And if the A in him takes over I just need to accept that he's not that person anymore. And the more he 'tries' with the alcohol, the more the addiction takes over, and the less of the him I love is in there. If he makes that choice, then I need to just move on.
I need to go. I'm having my realtor write up a lease offer. My AH has reluctantly agreed to help me load up furniture in a trailer the day after XMAS so I can take it with me. Every step I take towards leaving hurts, it feels like I'm rubbing against sand paper. Going against the grain. It doesn't feel good, but I know it's the right thing to do. Even as I type this, I cannot believe I'm saying it.
I need to go through with it and I'm scared I won't. But I push forward anyway, making plans. One foot in front of the other until I'm driving off with furniture. Baby steps.
This. F*cking. Sucks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by fortworthnative 
This. F*cking. Sucks.
If you stay and he fails you can simply divorce him. Well that's generous!
You know, where you said NO DEAL, just keep reminding yourself about that. You aren't making anymore deals, or rather participating in his deals. This is YOUR thing, it's not something he gets to negotiate, not now.
You know, nothing is written in stone. You are doing, right now, what is best for you, for your children and although it may not seem like it, perhaps for him too.
He has it cushy. It is enabling him to drink and have conflict, but not that much and carry on as he wishes.
You can gauge how serious he is about his plans to quit drinking (or master his alcoholism - yes, whatever that means) from a distance just as well as you can sitting right there being tortured by it.
Out of curiosity, has he been drinking since the xmas party at all?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
No - no friggin way has he been drinking since the XMAS party. I said that was the last hurrah I'd be present for and I meant it. I even breathelized him the other night when I was certain he hadn't been drinking, just for my own sanity, to know that he isn't THAT good. He's so much more present when he doesn't drink. I can always tell. But that's a big fat H*LL no or I'd be OUTTA HERE already.
He did say he thought about drinking on the way to the garage yesterday, that he went in there several times and it crossed his mind and each time he said no that's not a good idea. That nothing good comes of his drinking and he knows it. That when he comes home from work, if he has a drink, nothing else changes in the house other than him drinking, it doesn't make dealing with the kids any better, and overall it's just not a good idea. He does that kind of self talk in his head a lot he says.
He did say he thought about drinking on the way to the garage yesterday, that he went in there several times and it crossed his mind and each time he said no that's not a good idea. That nothing good comes of his drinking and he knows it. That when he comes home from work, if he has a drink, nothing else changes in the house other than him drinking, it doesn't make dealing with the kids any better, and overall it's just not a good idea. He does that kind of self talk in his head a lot he says.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Everything inside of me is screaming this is the right thing to do. You're right, it's not permanent. I'm not filing papers. I just know that this is the ONLY way he will choose recovery, if he's ever going to choose recovery. And if he doesn't, there's no big blow out fight. We'd already be gone. It's better no matter what the outcome.
Once I stop thinking about everyone else, him, the school, my friends here, one I just focus on what's best for me as a person and for my kids in the long run, this is best. He either works on himself and accepts he can never drink again and SHOWS he can never drink again, or he doesn't. And in the meantime I'll work on myself and see what I really want from MY LIFE. What a novel idea. Our entire marriage has focused on him and his drinking and has negatively affected me, my needs have rarely if ever been met. My needs? I don't even know what that means to be honest with you. How sad is that. Yes I have an amazing house that I was able to build with the means he provided (I worked up until 3 months ago though so I helped...). I did all the work on this house for 2 years, picked out everything, designed it, spent tens of hours, probably 100 hours or more working on this house. But that cannot be all of my needs. I need to even figure out what that means.
Once I stop thinking about everyone else, him, the school, my friends here, one I just focus on what's best for me as a person and for my kids in the long run, this is best. He either works on himself and accepts he can never drink again and SHOWS he can never drink again, or he doesn't. And in the meantime I'll work on myself and see what I really want from MY LIFE. What a novel idea. Our entire marriage has focused on him and his drinking and has negatively affected me, my needs have rarely if ever been met. My needs? I don't even know what that means to be honest with you. How sad is that. Yes I have an amazing house that I was able to build with the means he provided (I worked up until 3 months ago though so I helped...). I did all the work on this house for 2 years, picked out everything, designed it, spent tens of hours, probably 100 hours or more working on this house. But that cannot be all of my needs. I need to even figure out what that means.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It will take some adjustment for your mind to put your children and yourself before him. However, you are correct. You need to think about what is best for you right now and let him decide what he wants from his future.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
You sounds so strong, FWN. I hope that getting some space and some distance for yourself will help you sustain that strength.
I've already told you that your husband sounds exactly like my ex, and I'm hearing the familiar echoes again in this post:
"He agreed to do counseling."
"He has a terrible feeling about this."
"He's so sure he can do it this time."
Words, words, words. As you already know, they don't mean much coming from an A's mouth. It will be interesting to see what happens when you're gone. When I finally asked AXBF to move out, he completely flipped out. He became enraged. He called and texted and harassed me every day. He demanded to come home. He called me nasty names. He even threatened to take our child to a different state, hence the current restraining order against him. And ironically, in spite of all his insistence that he come home, he rarely actually came over to help me with and visit his newborn child. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?
Now is the time for you to wait and watch. All will be revealed.
I've already told you that your husband sounds exactly like my ex, and I'm hearing the familiar echoes again in this post:
"He agreed to do counseling."
"He has a terrible feeling about this."
"He's so sure he can do it this time."
Words, words, words. As you already know, they don't mean much coming from an A's mouth. It will be interesting to see what happens when you're gone. When I finally asked AXBF to move out, he completely flipped out. He became enraged. He called and texted and harassed me every day. He demanded to come home. He called me nasty names. He even threatened to take our child to a different state, hence the current restraining order against him. And ironically, in spite of all his insistence that he come home, he rarely actually came over to help me with and visit his newborn child. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?
Now is the time for you to wait and watch. All will be revealed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I just remembered something that may help you!
When I first asked AXBF to move out, it was temporary, much like what you're doing but in reverse. I was about 80% sure I was doing the right thing, but the fact that our child was barely two months old made me question my resolve. To keep myself on track, meaning making a decision based on logic and reality rather than emotions, I kept a journal of everything he did, like a tally sheet of the good and bad. I wrote down the things he said, the things he did or didn't do, anything that would factor in my decision to stay with him or not. As I collected this "data," my decision became clearer and clearer. The information also became helpful when the time to make things legal approached.
Perhaps this will help you, too. Whether all signs point to staying or leaving, I think it helps--it makes it more real somehow--to have it written down.
When I first asked AXBF to move out, it was temporary, much like what you're doing but in reverse. I was about 80% sure I was doing the right thing, but the fact that our child was barely two months old made me question my resolve. To keep myself on track, meaning making a decision based on logic and reality rather than emotions, I kept a journal of everything he did, like a tally sheet of the good and bad. I wrote down the things he said, the things he did or didn't do, anything that would factor in my decision to stay with him or not. As I collected this "data," my decision became clearer and clearer. The information also became helpful when the time to make things legal approached.
Perhaps this will help you, too. Whether all signs point to staying or leaving, I think it helps--it makes it more real somehow--to have it written down.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fwn…….I encourage you to get to an alanon meeting as soon as you arrive back in your hometown......because you will need that kind of support....
Another thought...be sure to find out what recovery actually looks like....since, you seem to be wanting this to herd him into "recovery".....
I am guessing that his next campaign might likely be this----"See, I have done tis and this---now come back!".....
If you know what genuine recovery looks and behaves like---he will not be able to BS you......
Another thought...be sure to find out what recovery actually looks like....since, you seem to be wanting this to herd him into "recovery".....
I am guessing that his next campaign might likely be this----"See, I have done tis and this---now come back!".....
If you know what genuine recovery looks and behaves like---he will not be able to BS you......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He did say he thought about drinking on the way to the garage yesterday, that he went in there several times and it crossed his mind and each time he said no that's not a good idea.
if he was THAT serious about NOT drinking, he would not have a stash handy in the garage - to which he went to visit many times today.
you ARE doing the right thing. baby steps.
if he was THAT serious about NOT drinking, he would not have a stash handy in the garage - to which he went to visit many times today.
you ARE doing the right thing. baby steps.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Mastered his alcoholism?
Thats one for the quackers thread!!
Those are very healthy thoughts you are thinking FWN,
so kudos to you for perservering!! Thinking about your
needs and your childrens needs is healthy and in
your control. Alcoholism IS NOT. And as Dandy said,
you will save yourself much turmoil if you know enough
about real recovery to see what it's not.
Thats one for the quackers thread!!
Those are very healthy thoughts you are thinking FWN,
so kudos to you for perservering!! Thinking about your
needs and your childrens needs is healthy and in
your control. Alcoholism IS NOT. And as Dandy said,
you will save yourself much turmoil if you know enough
about real recovery to see what it's not.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Every drink he took was a stab to your heart and another cut to the bond that brought you two together.
And he stabbed, stabbed, stabbed his way through your marriage. And he kept on cutting and slicing through the bond. Even when you told him it hurt. Even when you told him it was tearing you two apart.
Did he stop to consider how much it affected you? And if he did, I would argue it's even worse, because he kept on drinking anyway. He wanted to see how much he could get away with it, how much more he could slice away at the marriage before the bond was finally severed for good. What kind of husband is that?
You can't unstab someone. And if a connection is finally broken, why would you try to hold onto the person who is holding the knife? He could say sorry all he wants, but sometimes the damage is just too much.
Speaking from my own experience, I know that when I tried to force a connection to the person who abused me, or even worse, when other people tried to force that connection on me, it just brought me to a dark, dark place. I realized that in order to survive, in order to FORGIVE, I needed to let that connection go.
At the time, I didn't commit to making that separation permanent. I loved her as a mother and there were many good memories, which made the separation that much harder. All I knew at that moment was that I needed to stay away from her, and as the years went by I knew, as heartbreaking as it was for both of us, it was the right decision for me. I just have to look at my sister to see how it could have played out if I decided otherwise.
And he stabbed, stabbed, stabbed his way through your marriage. And he kept on cutting and slicing through the bond. Even when you told him it hurt. Even when you told him it was tearing you two apart.
Did he stop to consider how much it affected you? And if he did, I would argue it's even worse, because he kept on drinking anyway. He wanted to see how much he could get away with it, how much more he could slice away at the marriage before the bond was finally severed for good. What kind of husband is that?
You can't unstab someone. And if a connection is finally broken, why would you try to hold onto the person who is holding the knife? He could say sorry all he wants, but sometimes the damage is just too much.
Speaking from my own experience, I know that when I tried to force a connection to the person who abused me, or even worse, when other people tried to force that connection on me, it just brought me to a dark, dark place. I realized that in order to survive, in order to FORGIVE, I needed to let that connection go.
At the time, I didn't commit to making that separation permanent. I loved her as a mother and there were many good memories, which made the separation that much harder. All I knew at that moment was that I needed to stay away from her, and as the years went by I knew, as heartbreaking as it was for both of us, it was the right decision for me. I just have to look at my sister to see how it could have played out if I decided otherwise.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
