Parenting time- what would you do?
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Parenting time- what would you do?
XAH has kids once every other week for 4 hours and every other weekend supervised. The 4 hour visit seems to present more issues than the weekend visit as I have had him either blow positive in Soberlink or make up some random excuse about not being able to get kids last minute. Not always but a handful of times (4-6?) in the last year.
im going back to court to extend alcohol monitoring.... because.... necessary. However my options regarding this midweek have me torn. They are:
1. Request to eliminate the midweek 4 hour visit completely
2. Shorten it to 3 hours to better jive with my schedule and so he can get the kids from ME instead of me having to involve him getting them (or not getting them) from school directly.
3. Leave it alone.
Issues in my mind:
- I don’t want the kids to see me as the bad guy by taking away more time from their dad
- I get the most data on his well being from these midweek visits. If I eliminate them, I likely won’t get the same positive test data. And I have no other way of knowing if he is drinking or not otherwise.
- I hate coordinating him getting them from school and being so unreliable. I would love to remove school completely (and essentially tell them to call me if his crazy ass ever shows up).
- The mid weeks are very unreliable. Sometimes they go without a hitch and sometimes they have issues. It’s unreliable for my schedule and for the kids (they think dad is getting them and then I show up)
thoughts????
im going back to court to extend alcohol monitoring.... because.... necessary. However my options regarding this midweek have me torn. They are:
1. Request to eliminate the midweek 4 hour visit completely
2. Shorten it to 3 hours to better jive with my schedule and so he can get the kids from ME instead of me having to involve him getting them (or not getting them) from school directly.
3. Leave it alone.
Issues in my mind:
- I don’t want the kids to see me as the bad guy by taking away more time from their dad
- I get the most data on his well being from these midweek visits. If I eliminate them, I likely won’t get the same positive test data. And I have no other way of knowing if he is drinking or not otherwise.
- I hate coordinating him getting them from school and being so unreliable. I would love to remove school completely (and essentially tell them to call me if his crazy ass ever shows up).
- The mid weeks are very unreliable. Sometimes they go without a hitch and sometimes they have issues. It’s unreliable for my schedule and for the kids (they think dad is getting them and then I show up)
thoughts????
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hey batchel
Who supervises the weekend visits?
Who supervises the weekend visits?
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Originally Posted by batchel9
His parents. They live 2 hours away so not realistic for a 2 hour midweek visit. That also doesn’t really help the drinking thing regardless. If he blows positive no parenting time.
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No it doesn't, just seems odd that he can muster up sobriety on the weekend. Guess it's because it's his parents
I think shortening it to 3 hours seems reasonable to work in with your schedule and avoid him having to pick them up at school (he may even be happy he doesn't have to pick them up).
I hear you on the sobriety testing though, if there is no week day visit you have no proof, so I'd stick with it.
I think shortening it to 3 hours seems reasonable to work in with your schedule and avoid him having to pick them up at school (he may even be happy he doesn't have to pick them up).
I hear you on the sobriety testing though, if there is no week day visit you have no proof, so I'd stick with it.
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Shortening it to 3 hrs. sounds like the best choice, to me.....
I suggest that you stop worrying about being seen as the "bad guy" by the kids....
I think it is a very slippery slope to parent from fear of what the kids will think of you....It is best , I think to just parent from what you believe is in their best welfare....
Otherwise....look out when they hit the teen years...because kids are sooo smart, and they will figure out if your parent from fear of them....and they will use that a giant lever against you....
There are times between 12 and 21 that they will think that they "hate" you, no matter what you do.....lol....
Best that they see you as stable, steady, predictable, honest and in charge. If you love them (and you do)….they will "know" it....
I suggest that you stop worrying about being seen as the "bad guy" by the kids....
I think it is a very slippery slope to parent from fear of what the kids will think of you....It is best , I think to just parent from what you believe is in their best welfare....
Otherwise....look out when they hit the teen years...because kids are sooo smart, and they will figure out if your parent from fear of them....and they will use that a giant lever against you....
There are times between 12 and 21 that they will think that they "hate" you, no matter what you do.....lol....
Best that they see you as stable, steady, predictable, honest and in charge. If you love them (and you do)….they will "know" it....
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The three-hour option makes sense. The school will probably appreciate not having to deal with him (and depending on how old the kids are, this may save them from the embarrassment of having their drunk-ass father show up [or not show up]).
I am not sure the rationale for keeping the midweek visits so you can monitor whether he's drinking makes sense. I mean, yes, keep the visits if this is a way that your kids can have some kind of relationship with their father in a safe environment, but not because you want to know whether he's drinking in general. All that matters is whether he's drinking when he has the kids (which is what SoberLink tells you) - it doesn't matter if he's blind drunk the rest of the time, and gathering info on his drinking patterns seems like the slippery slope towards trying to monitor his consumption.
I am not sure the rationale for keeping the midweek visits so you can monitor whether he's drinking makes sense. I mean, yes, keep the visits if this is a way that your kids can have some kind of relationship with their father in a safe environment, but not because you want to know whether he's drinking in general. All that matters is whether he's drinking when he has the kids (which is what SoberLink tells you) - it doesn't matter if he's blind drunk the rest of the time, and gathering info on his drinking patterns seems like the slippery slope towards trying to monitor his consumption.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
The three-hour option makes sense. The school will probably appreciate not having to deal with him (and depending on how old the kids are, this may save them from the embarrassment of having their drunk-ass father show up [or not show up]).
I am not sure the rationale for keeping the midweek visits so you can monitor whether he's drinking makes sense. I mean, yes, keep the visits if this is a way that your kids can have some kind of relationship with their father in a safe environment, but not because you want to know whether he's drinking in general. All that matters is whether he's drinking when he has the kids (which is what SoberLink tells you) - it doesn't matter if he's blind drunk the rest of the time, and gathering info on his drinking patterns seems like the slippery slope towards trying to monitor his consumption.
I am not sure the rationale for keeping the midweek visits so you can monitor whether he's drinking makes sense. I mean, yes, keep the visits if this is a way that your kids can have some kind of relationship with their father in a safe environment, but not because you want to know whether he's drinking in general. All that matters is whether he's drinking when he has the kids (which is what SoberLink tells you) - it doesn't matter if he's blind drunk the rest of the time, and gathering info on his drinking patterns seems like the slippery slope towards trying to monitor his consumption.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
No it doesn't, just seems odd that he can muster up sobriety on the weekend. Guess it's because it's his parents
I think shortening it to 3 hours seems reasonable to work in with your schedule and avoid him having to pick them up at school (he may even be happy he doesn't have to pick them up).
I hear you on the sobriety testing though, if there is no week day visit you have no proof, so I'd stick with it.
I think shortening it to 3 hours seems reasonable to work in with your schedule and avoid him having to pick them up at school (he may even be happy he doesn't have to pick them up).
I hear you on the sobriety testing though, if there is no week day visit you have no proof, so I'd stick with it.
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Originally Posted by batchel9
Hi Sasha- He is constantly pushing for more time and less rigor (no supervision, no Soberlink). My defense against those is the data I get showing he is still drinking and having issues. He can make himself look like a perfect person on paper and then get more time, which adds more risk.
I still think we married identical twins - this is all so very familiar ...
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Another issue yesterday. “Car troubles”. Another midweek missed. I really way to eliminate these to save everyone their sanity, but maybe I should stick with the request to change to 5-8 like we discussed before. Every time I have an issue I just want to scream!
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Per my divorce, my XAH has always been allowed to have one weekday overnight w the kids. He has not excercised it in years. We never discussed changing it or he would absolutely have said no. But because it just sort of slipped away and did not happen, it's fine. It's all about HIS RIGHTS in his eyes.
It stinks, but this is how it works with an addict.
It stinks, but this is how it works with an addict.
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Ok your guys recommendation before was to change his midweek from 4-8 to 5-8 so I can continue to have data yet have his unreliability not interfere with my work.
Here I am a few weeks later and he hasn’t had the kids the last two midweeks he was supposed to. New Years because of “car problems” and last week because of alcohol- straight up blew positive.
it pissed me off bad. It went like this:
I leave work to get kid early to meet XAH (he gets the other kid)
I don’t see breathalyzer result so I call to check that he is getting other kid. He picks up and says he is almost there and will be blowing soon. I say “ok, I don’t want to pick up kid from daycare when I could go back to work if you aren’t coming”. He assures he is comknv.
I go into school and get kid.
Walkjng out I see he blew like 0.06.
Now I have my kid and he is about to get other kid and he can’t have kids.
I call him and was not very nice. Tell him this impacts the kids and me and my work.
Now I have to get other kid and have both kids at 4pm when I normally work until 530.
He admitted you drinking THE NIGHT PRIOR (so that would have put him at like 0.2ish if he is blowing 0.06 at 4pm the next day?????
I am so fed up with these midweeks. I think I am not leaning towards trying to kill them completely. I won’t have this data, but at some point he can prove himself reliable maybe we add them back and see how he does. Dude has problems.
What do you guys think?
Here I am a few weeks later and he hasn’t had the kids the last two midweeks he was supposed to. New Years because of “car problems” and last week because of alcohol- straight up blew positive.
it pissed me off bad. It went like this:
I leave work to get kid early to meet XAH (he gets the other kid)
I don’t see breathalyzer result so I call to check that he is getting other kid. He picks up and says he is almost there and will be blowing soon. I say “ok, I don’t want to pick up kid from daycare when I could go back to work if you aren’t coming”. He assures he is comknv.
I go into school and get kid.
Walkjng out I see he blew like 0.06.
Now I have my kid and he is about to get other kid and he can’t have kids.
I call him and was not very nice. Tell him this impacts the kids and me and my work.
Now I have to get other kid and have both kids at 4pm when I normally work until 530.
He admitted you drinking THE NIGHT PRIOR (so that would have put him at like 0.2ish if he is blowing 0.06 at 4pm the next day?????
I am so fed up with these midweeks. I think I am not leaning towards trying to kill them completely. I won’t have this data, but at some point he can prove himself reliable maybe we add them back and see how he does. Dude has problems.
What do you guys think?
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Batchel, what would be involved with cancelling the mid-weeks? If you can do it to get some certainty in your routine then it seems a no-brainer. Are you worried about his reaction?
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Ideally the mid week visits would be done away with. Saves you the hassle, saves the kids the uncertainty.
You certainly have a case for it so perhaps just go with that? Honestly, he can't do it, so it's pretty pointless. It causes you frustration and the whole work thing and makes the kids uncertain. It just isn't worth it.
I would try to throw something in to the new agreement though that there will be no extra visitation added without him agreeing to do the midweeks again at some later date first, for some amount of time.
Just to safeguard yourself so that six months down the road he isn't demanding overnights because he has been so good about the weekend visits. He's just too unreliable.
You certainly have a case for it so perhaps just go with that? Honestly, he can't do it, so it's pretty pointless. It causes you frustration and the whole work thing and makes the kids uncertain. It just isn't worth it.
I would try to throw something in to the new agreement though that there will be no extra visitation added without him agreeing to do the midweeks again at some later date first, for some amount of time.
Just to safeguard yourself so that six months down the road he isn't demanding overnights because he has been so good about the weekend visits. He's just too unreliable.
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If it were me, and I realize it is not...
I would ask that the mid-week visit be eliminated. At least until he could prove that he could be more dependable and on-time in his routine so that my employment wouldn't have to take a hit every week because of him. So that I wouldn't have to be anxious and unhappy just trying to accomodate him when he didn't give two figs about how much trouble it was causing me.
Again, please take that with a huge grain of salt as I have never had children and never been divorced from an active alcoholic. YMMV
I would ask that the mid-week visit be eliminated. At least until he could prove that he could be more dependable and on-time in his routine so that my employment wouldn't have to take a hit every week because of him. So that I wouldn't have to be anxious and unhappy just trying to accomodate him when he didn't give two figs about how much trouble it was causing me.
Again, please take that with a huge grain of salt as I have never had children and never been divorced from an active alcoholic. YMMV
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well, you have two issues, as i see it.
1) an extremely unreliable person involved in your children's lives, transportation, school.
2) a person who is being relied upon to pick up your children in a moving vehicle who continues to drink and blow positive.
if this was anyone except their "father" - what would you do?
1) an extremely unreliable person involved in your children's lives, transportation, school.
2) a person who is being relied upon to pick up your children in a moving vehicle who continues to drink and blow positive.
if this was anyone except their "father" - what would you do?
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I personally would always assume I am going to have to drive the children. Then if he actually gets his act together, he can do it and you will have some unexpected time to yourself.
Unless....the courts will let you just get rid of the mid week all together. If so, I would absolutely do so.
Sending you lots of support!
Unless....the courts will let you just get rid of the mid week all together. If so, I would absolutely do so.
Sending you lots of support!
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