BartShelbyGT

Hello. Matt here. I'm 46 and in the US. I haven't posted in a couple years, during which time I've done the same old story... fits and starts of sobriety only to fall again.
This last time (after an 8 day bender) the anxiety and blood pressure was so terrible I finally had the realization I'd been praying for. I can't drink. No matter what.
I'm currently on day 47. I feel great, better than I have in years. It hasn't even been that hard. Reading here everyday, praying and meditating, staying busy, journaling. Taking notes of comments and observations I see here to review and remind myself when I have a craving. Pretty smooth sailing... Or so I thought....
The last week or so I've found myself planning Christmas Eve. Home with my wife and son and dogs, watching "It's a Wonderful Life" (a tradition for us) and reading Twas the Night Before Christmas to my son. The problem is my AV keeps inserting a 6 pack of Sam Adams Winter Ale and a couple mini's of bourbon into that perfect picture. It says come on, you'll have 60 days by then, you can get a little "relaxing" buzz, not enough to cause withdrawl or even a serious hangover. Then get back on the wagon for a sober New Years (not a temptation, been sober on 12-31 several years in a row now).
I have no illusions of having 1 or 2. The voice says it's ok if you get drunk 1 night every couple of months, Just don't get drunk the next day, and don't drink and drive.
I KNOW for a fact this is BS, but it's like I can't stop it. I see the train coming down the tracks and I feel helpless to get out of the way. I have no desire to drink today, or tomorrow, but this thought of something still two weeks away is very persistent. I try to push it out of my head and repeat "One day at a time." It's almost like keeping the hope of booze alive at some point in the future keeps the AV placated.
Thoughts on strategy for dealing with this? Is it healthier to just let it ride and keep entertaining this fantasy and then deal with it when the time comes?

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Bart and congrats on 47 days. I think the "let it ride" strategy will likely yield similar results to what you've achieved in the past, no? I think the fact that you are here asking is a pretty good idea - and also a good indicator that you should be prepared/have a plan.

For one thing, keep it simple. You don't drink, so any notion that you could or should is simply your AV - good job for recognizing that. Also remember that at this stage drinking is purely a choice - and one only you can make. So no matter what the situation, you can also choose to not drink.

All the other fluff about "just getting buzzed" or getting back on the wagon after new years is just pure AV BS. Why not focus on all the other things that take place over the holidays- good food, good convesations, family, etc. Maybe start some new traditions of games, activties, etc.

The fact that you are having the thoughts of drinking is not unusual at all , we all have them. What's important is how you react to them. In this case you reacted well - you realized them for what they were and came here for help. You can do that again - stay close to those who understand. I can remember sneaking off to the bathroom with my phone and coming here on SR for support many times at a holiday gathering. For some they might call a friend in AA instead, or meditate, or whatever you constitute as part of your recovery. Keep it up and enjoy the holiday.

BartShelbyGT

Little background. 47 days is a record for me, probably since I was 16. I've done 30 days a couple times. Lots of 2 and 3 weekers. But weekend benders gradually grew longer and each WD was progressively worse.
I really don't want to blow this. I've read relapses start a long time before the bottle actually reaches your lips. I just don't know whether to try and quash this, or just not think about it and cross that bridge when I come to it. Deciding NO today seems right, but it also seems overwhelming and at odds with the "one day at a time" philosophy of not worrying about the future, just concentrate on the right now.

Bonnefond87

Traditions are great but they can also be really restrictive. Why not shake things up a bit - start a new one that involves activity - a film, skating or maybe a carol concert. My kids and grandkids love the freedom of me being sober. Planning a surprise is the new tradition.!

izzy1962

Just think about how you could ruin Xmas for yourself and family. The way you would feel the next day and the "well New Years eve is a few day's away and Ill start sobriety on the 1st as a resolution". That's how it would work with me.

ciowa

Good morning Bart- Congratulations on day 47.

The "one day at a time" mantra is helpful for many people but it's not the only perspective on how what works for recovery. Other people look ahead and plan things out depending on what works for them. As a binge drinker, the day to day outlook wasn't that helpful as I would look a week or weeks ahead until I knew the opportunity to drink would arrive, so holding out until then wasn't hard. But when I started, it was off to the races.

For me, I agree with how the relapse process gets described as emotion>thought>act plays out. If I feel like I might drink in a week, because the opportunity is there, I prepare on giving myself the best path through that period while staying sober. I look honestly at what a drink will mean. I won't just drink just one and if I wake up in the morning with a massive hangover, then based on my past drinking behavior then I know Ill have another drink in the morning to "cure" the hangover, which will start the binge of several days.

And if I happen to get lucky and drink only a few drink and stay sober for awhile, then I will try it again thinking Im better but then Ill end up binge drinking again. There is no way around it for me. There is no way I can avoid going on a binge once I start drinking, be it the first bout or the 3rd bout. It will happen eventually.

So is it worth it? We can ask ourselves that question whether we look at it as one day, one week, one month or one year at a time. Good luck!

August252015

Good job on 47!

My thoughts - most relapses or actually, what I'd call a return to drinking when there isn't much sober time actually under your belt- absolutely start in advance of the actual drink. You hear this all the time in AA when people return, and realize that it was a month, 90 days, even a year before they drank that the cracks in their sobriety began.

The thing is to act. What I would suggest- and this is what I do when I feel like I am less EMOTIONALLY sober than I want, as I believe it far precedes physical sobriety...

Adjust or re-up my daily sobriety and recovery activities. More meetings ea wk- have I only had 2? I feel more even when I do 4 or so. Read an additional meditation or devotional of some kind that speaks to me. Find a podcast or an instagram account about sober life to dig into a little. So on.

And daily life is about more than just recovery stuff! Pick "tricks" - when you start to think of that beer, go get some kind of special NA drink you like- I keep Topo Chico lime and fresh lime too on hand all the time. I usually drink cheaper versions so that's my super fresh treat! Or stop thinking about whatever is piping up AV wise and put on a funny movie, cooking mag, go for a walk, anything that you like that will shift your thoughts for a half hour. Read a book or read one to your kids. Whatever!

Make other holiday plans. Even if the holidays aren't about any alcohol for me, they absolutely have emotional charge, from old traditions to family dynamics. Those can be things I like or I don't! Things have become different for me in sobriety so how I participate or choose not to, for example, had to change.

Remember that you do not have to drink. Ever. Rephrasing things from "I could have one" to "I get to skip that 6 pack and enjoy the evening with a great dinner and my fam." From I can't celebrate with a drink to I get to be present for this first Christmas sober in a long time!

Keep in touch and keep going. Your first sober NY in awhile is only 20 days away - and the one day at a time refrain can be a comfort as you literally take each next action or gathering as it comes. Going to bed sober is a victory no matter if you're at a month or two, or a bit further along where I am.

doggonecarl

Stick to this and you'll be fine. You might not be able to stop the thoughts, but that doesn't mean you have to act on them. Tell your AV, "No."

And to tell yourself that a relapse is inevitable is pure AV.

CRRHCC

Deal with it in advance.

The purpose of any addiction is to reverse feelings of overwhelming helplessness, an emotional state. This helplessness is always rooted in something deeply important to the individual and is overwhelming and intolerable to the individual. Naturally, this varies for each person.

We always have a binary choice. We can regain control of helpless feelings with displaced substitute behaviors (quick fixes or mood changers of drugs or other behaviors), or direct healthy behaviors that empower us. What humans really seek is a sense of control. We are biologically wired to seek control! What we really seek is not a drink, a drug, porn or a bet, but a sense of empowerment, in the face of feeling helpless. Addicts have learned to regain control of their emotions with a quick fix or mood changer of alcohol, drugs and other compulsive displaced behaviors. Non addicts, empower themselves and regain control of their emotions by facing them directly or replacing them with some other high value behavior.

When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction.

MLD51

Thoughts are just thoughts and you do not have to act on them, or even be afraid you'll act on them. I have drinking thoughts from time to time, and I can recognize them, give them a firm NO and then let them go. It wasn't always that easy. I'm 5 years sober. Gradually it became easier as time went on. At first I really was afraid I'd act on the thoughts, but that kept me in a mental place I didn't want to be. I trained myself to not dwell on those thoughts, and shift quickly onto something positive.

In your case, I think possibly thinking about something a little different you can do at Christmas time with your family would be good. The traditions are nice, but if thinking about the traditions goes along with thinking about drinking, it might be a good idea to do something new. A new tradition you do not and will never associate with alcohol. Plan something special, surprise your wife and son.

BartShelbyGT

Thanks to all. Everyone is spot on. The "you'll end up drinking until New Years or longer" thought has been in my brain. AV says surely not, you learned your lesson, right?

Also, as a binger, day to day drinking isn't that hard to deal with. It's trigger dates/people. And yes, once I cross a certain threshold, it's off to the races.

And yes, I've had instances where I got drunk and then stopped the next day, thus fortifying my belief that I could "handle" the occasional party, as long as I didn't extend it. But sooner or later, maybe the next drunk, maybe not for one or two more, the binge would return. Multiple days of not really remembering what happened. At least a week of misery, with each one being physically and mentally uglier than before.

Thanks for confirming my gut feel. I need to rid this thought from my mind. Entertaining it is dangerous, and the "one day at a time" thing was my AV using an AA mantra against me to keep it in there as a possibility.

zoobadger

I'm on my 2nd sober Christmas. I had the same worries last year, and just kinda white-knuckled it a little bit. Definitely easier this year.

I'd recommend sharing these concerns with your family. Let them know that the "traditions" you describe are drinking triggers for you.

That way, they'll be more open to forgoing some of the usual things they look forward to. Also, I second the suggestion of starting some new habits and traditions. Board games, karaoke, a Christmas Eve concert at a church, ice skating.... Google to see what events are happening near you.

How about cooking? Maybe better if you don't cook ordinarily, because planning and preparing something will keep you distracted and busy.

Focusing on the benefits of sobriety and the everyday joy of sober life is primarily what works for me, but when I feel triggered it also helps to remember that alcohol was killing me. It's literally poison.

Derringer

If it was as easy as "thinking" ourselves sober, most of us would have been successful years ago and wouldn't be here posting on a sober forum. We'd just go "no more" and that would be that 🤠

Action is the key.

What are you prepared to do to stay sober?

Or are you just going to throw your mighty brain and willpower at it again ?

nez

When I think about future events and have concerns, that is okay. If I turn concerns into an obsession, that is a warning sign. Obsession, whether it be about doing something or about not doing something, is not a healthy place for me. Obsessions start off as thoughts. Thoughts have no power of their own.I get to decide which thoughts to feed and which ones to let die from malnutrition. When a thought comes up that I know is counter productive, I turn into the guy behind the counter at a customer service desk, I just simply go "okay that was a thought...next (thought)."

fini

"Is it healthier to just let it ride and keep entertaining this fantasy and then deal with it when the time comes?"

letting it ride is not the same as entertaining a fantasy.
entertaining a fantasy means feeding it, whereas letting it ride is a neutral kind of "shrug, there it is, the crazy thought! look at me having those crazy thoughts. good thing i don't need to act on it."
what worked for me was to separate from those thoughts, from that "voice", step back and watch myself from a distance, so to speak, and look behind it all to see why i was having "the pull" now.
and then looking at what i could do to take care of myself; in your situation, that might be exactly what someone suggested: change the usual up a bit, add something new to the christmas routine, get some grat hot chocolate and a different movie. put that in your brain now.
for me, "changing the future pictures" in my head has been a good tool.

faith823

Hello,

Thanks for your post. I am on day 46 and I have been having a really hard time.
The first month was easier for me , my resolve was there. My breathing and anxiousness is heavy. I am actually thinking of drinking to get rid of this feeling to pass the time. "to not care'' start again tomorrow. such BS and even if I did start again tomorrow I broke that beautiful chain of 46 days alcohol free. My AV would love that and will capitalize on having no time- for a few more days-

The reason why I can relate is I do not want to feel like this. I do not want to think of drinking ever. Why does it have to feel like torture when I am trying to do the right thing-the AV is literally telling me this afternoon will go nice and calmly with a drink.
Good job posting here. The feeling comes and goes. From minute to minute. I need to just not drink.

BartShelbyGT

faith - I hear ya.
Putting the hammer down on the AV regarding Christmas Eve is almost disappointing. Kind of like that feeling back years ago when I was single when I had a hot date with someone I knew I probably shouldn't go out with. Knowing somebody only leads to trouble, but man is she hot and we have such a fun time, until.....
As far as doing something different on Christmas, my career recently involved a relocation from the suburbs to a different state in a very rural, mountainous area. It's beautiful, and we love our dream home, but there's not much nearby as far as concerts, or other events. And we really don't know a lot of other people yet. Also, our son is blind, and has some other special needs, so he really doesn't dig events that are noisy. They kind of create sensory overload.
I was sober last Christmas. However, that was after a boozy holiday party a few days before and the pain was still fresh and glaring, making it easy to abstain.
I'm not sure who said this on the boards a few weeks ago, but it resonated with me so I wrote it down. "The problem is, sometimes sobriety feels so good, it feels like we're cured. We think the clarity of sobriety will stay with us even after that first drink ." Wow that hits the mark.
Thanks for everyone's responses. It's given me fresh resolve to shut it down before the idea can pick up any more steam.

August252015

Zoobadger has a great post and made me think of something - I realized somewhere along the way that asking people for something was worth a shot. It finally clicked that the people who love me would probably be more than happy to go to a diff restaurant than one I used to haunt as a drinking person, or maybe change up a holiday tradition, or even the time of day for errands....simple and big stuff that indeed bothers or possibly triggers us can be quite changeable if we share our concerns or struggle with supportive people in our lives.

I'm sure that your wife and son will be happy and indeed benefit from your continued sobriety! Glad you are talking this thru with us.

Dee74

Maybe look through your old posts or someone elses or even the first post in this thread
the 'hot girl AV' is actually not hot at all.

waking up sober on Christmas day,. being truly present for your family, would be a terrific thing to make happen

why not post regularly here again?

D

benitoD

Been there - done that. Didn't work out so well. I hope you'll get through it without drinking and you'll be super proud of yourself.

Just as importantly, if you do slip up, don't forget to forgive yourself and climb back on this beautiful, shiny wagon right away.

You got this!