dawnrising

So AH in true form called DD on her birthday to dump a massive guilt trip, victimize himself, and accuse her of being selfish. Wow. Every time she gives him an opportunity, he just pees all over it. I spent 2 hours on the phone with her while she cried, she is now moving through the stages on the way to acceptance. I cannot imagine what that's like with a parent. I had the choice to marry who I married and the choice to leave. She has the choice of establishing boundaries which he just will not respect. How do you help your older children (20) (22) who are in so much pain but are also well aware of who their father is at this point. (PS she's been in and continues to be in counseling for years, she's just so darn tired.)

SmallButMighty

My daughter was in that age range when she first read Codependent No More. She has read it a few times now. It has helped her a lot. It explained a lot of unhealthy family dynamics on both sides of her family, and it helped her identify and modify some of her own behaviors as well. She still leans towards being codependent but at least she is aware and working on it. After all, I raised her like I was raised...with an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. It's what she knew. She learned at 20 what I didn't learn until I was in my 40s and what my mother in her 70s will never learn. For us, it's several good steps in the right direction to stop this horrendous, generational, dysfunction of codependence.

I am so sorry your daughter's father would treat her like that. Infuriating. What a horrible example he sets for her about men.

dandylion

dawnrising…...in general, I have found that the best thing is, often, just to listen as they express their emotions......Listen to them...sit with them as they cry, etc.
It validates their emotions, by doing that....
After all, you can't "fix" it and make it all better.
Our young ones have to learn how to cope with life's hard challenges...and, they can only do that by working it out for themselves....
***It is hard being a mother!!!!

trailmix

I agree, codependent no more, perhaps some readings on ACOA and some space.

Just because he is their Father, doesn't mean they owe him, anything. The fact that he would do that indicates it's probably time for a good old time out. Distance is key.

It also took me a while to deal with this as an adult (although my Father was not abusive to us in that way -(he never criticized us personally), us as in me and my siblings.

It was more of an annoyance than anything else. Eventually I took a time off from talking to him for a year - that didn't go over well.

I would hope one of the things they learn in therapy is about hanging up that phone! No one, not their friend, SO and certainly not their parent has the right to berate them, ever. Huge boundary that must be enforced. Something like - call me back when you are sober, I won't talk to you when you have been drinking <click> - Call back when you have something good to say <click> or just hang up.

dawnrising

Isn't that the truth!!! The hardest thing in the world is to watch your children in pain and not have the power to make it go away. The gift is knowing where she is at in the grief process. She is past anger although it may rear its ugly head again she is on the tail end of bargaining, entering into depression. But at least she is moving which although quite painful will bring her closer to acceptance. I just hate it and the distance (a full day of travel away) means I can't just go wrap my arms around her....yet

dawnrising

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She was already reading the ACOA laundry list and recognized her "traits", but I will pull the book out and maybe we will read it together over Christmas. One of the things they did in therapy was she went no contact for an entire year. Then she wrote a beautiful email establishing her boundaries moving forward, and literally the response from AH was quite telling and devastating. I think she needs to go no contact again, but that choice must come from her and not me. I just listen and validate her feelings thats all I can do. We talk about al-anon and acoa, and the fact that she is not alone, there are thousand of young adults who have an alcoholic parent and they may have some experience, coping mechanism she can learn from.

trailmix

I agree with you that no contact at this point would help her and also agree that must come from her.

Has she heard of gray rock?

Perhaps reassuring her that she doesn't have to feel guilty about separating herself from the abuse will help (because that is exactly what it is).

Terrible situation, I know, I'm sorry you and they are involved in it.

hopeful4

I just remind my child of similar age that the ball is in her court. That this is who he is, and it is not nor has it ever been her fault. She is well versed on addiction and mental health which helps immensely.

Also...she does not speak to her dad on the phone. They text only. This way, it's her choice to respond, or not. And believe me, she does not always respond.

It took a while, but she got it.

Sending you, and your children, big hugs!

Seren

I'm just so sorry that your child is so hurt by her Dad's behavior!! I can only just begin to imagine how you feel about all of it.

I hope that she will come to realize that she is more powerful than she realizes right now. Once full acceptance of her father's personality comes--she gets to decide how/when/if she wants to interact for her own peace of mind. And that right there--is powerful!

Bernadette

(((((hugs))))) to your daughter, it's so hard. And kudos to you for being open and available to talk honestly with her. That makes all the difference.
Peace,
B

hopeful4

This! I so agree!

dawnrising

Thanks guys! I will say that this holiday break from college has been better than last year. Last year we were just surviving, this year we are creating new traditions. I don't know what will become of DD relationship with AH and thats okay. I do know that I am relieved that she's sees the dysfunction of it all and maybe some things in herself that aren't the healthiest for her. So that in itself is progress. I feel like my DS is coming to a crossroads himself. He has made some past choices that both AH and I cleaned up for him. With the separation he has become aware of the "cost" of the relationship with AH. DS was complaining about a lot of things AH and non AH related, and my response was "what are you going to do about it?" (btw he's 22), don't think he expected that. I didn't discount his feelings but I am not acting on them either. He needs to decide for himself what he is willing to tolerate and what HE wants to do with HIS life, so far he has made very co-dependent choices. As for me I have established boundaries with DS as well which is very hard for me as he is Aspergers/Autistic. He would commit to things and then be flaky about showing up and not calling always promising to do better. This year I just decided I am not going to wait around the house, hold dinner, etc whatever, if he shows he shows, if he doesn't guess he misses out. That has made all the difference for me. I am no longer hurt or angry, he is no longer in "control" of my happiness. It's his choice to miss out, and my choice to go ahead with plans. Progress not perfection - Thanks you guys