OT a bit: What do I really want?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
OT a bit: What do I really want?
I know no one but me can answer this, but after speaking with the 2nd lawyer today I realized I'm having an internal struggle and I don't know which way to go. If I were to move and/or file for divorce, would I uproot the life I've built here over the past 3+ years and go back to my hometown with my kids or would I want to stay here with my kids? I'm VERY active in my kids schools, I literally helped build the lower school program and raised 95% of the funds in my first 2 years here in order to make this happen. And I've helped pioneer the entire elementary and junior high program and now we're starting a high school next year. And I'm about to take on an actual role within the administration (albeit unpaid, we don't have extra money) in the next few months.
Old me, 3 years ago me who thought I'd be in this town 2 years MAX would tell me to get the heck out of here. New me isn't so sure. I love my kids school, the administrators/teachers, I love our block where we live, I love the slow pace of the town. Their dad wouldn't be far away and their lives would feel stable.
But do I want to be STUCK here if in a few years I want to move back to the bigger city?
I'm meeting with my therapist later this week. I sure do get in my head about so much.
Old me, 3 years ago me who thought I'd be in this town 2 years MAX would tell me to get the heck out of here. New me isn't so sure. I love my kids school, the administrators/teachers, I love our block where we live, I love the slow pace of the town. Their dad wouldn't be far away and their lives would feel stable.
But do I want to be STUCK here if in a few years I want to move back to the bigger city?
I'm meeting with my therapist later this week. I sure do get in my head about so much.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fortworthnative…...Yep.....that sure is fodder for you to bring up with your therapist...and, I am so glad that you are working with a therapist, now...!
here is my suggestion----think of what you will need for your life in terms of the next 5 yrs......10 years....in other words, your long term future....
What will be your needs is ALL areas of your life.....family life, financial life, professional life, romantic/intimacy needs....social needs and services ,for both you and the kids....
One unknown, as I see it---what if your husband does not ever seek the kind of life long recovery that you are wishing for....if he does progress, in his alcoholism....how do you know that he will be the responsible and participating co-parent that you would like for him to be. What I am saying, is that I would not give his convenience TOO much weight in your decision.
making....
I spent several years as a single parent...with little to no help from their father.
I found out that, as the kids got older....having the convenient services of a larger metropolis and the social life opportunities that it offers becomes very important.....
Your kids are still little...but, needs...theirs and your do evolve and change as the years go on....Also, consider that the kids grow up faster than you think...lol....and, they will not always be with you under the same roof.....
I know that you have a lot of thinking to do...this is just food for thought....
here is my suggestion----think of what you will need for your life in terms of the next 5 yrs......10 years....in other words, your long term future....
What will be your needs is ALL areas of your life.....family life, financial life, professional life, romantic/intimacy needs....social needs and services ,for both you and the kids....
One unknown, as I see it---what if your husband does not ever seek the kind of life long recovery that you are wishing for....if he does progress, in his alcoholism....how do you know that he will be the responsible and participating co-parent that you would like for him to be. What I am saying, is that I would not give his convenience TOO much weight in your decision.
making....
I spent several years as a single parent...with little to no help from their father.
I found out that, as the kids got older....having the convenient services of a larger metropolis and the social life opportunities that it offers becomes very important.....
Your kids are still little...but, needs...theirs and your do evolve and change as the years go on....Also, consider that the kids grow up faster than you think...lol....and, they will not always be with you under the same roof.....
I know that you have a lot of thinking to do...this is just food for thought....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Oops I submitted before I could finish my thought. The good thing about moving back home is that my support system that I have had since I was in high school is all there. All of my friends, my parents who are in their 70s and are not in that good of health, and my sister who is super busy in her own life. I would not move right next to them, I would live at least 30 minutes away but close to a good friend.
I do get to talk to my friends on a regular basis while living far away so I have that. And honestly living a good distance away from my family has been nice, when I go there I actually spend quality time instead of feeling like I have to be there just because I am told to be there.
I have also found a church here I love, something I could not of done back home (my parents are pretty controlling).
I feel like I am making a case to stay here, and I guess I am. I just do not like the thought of being stuck somewhere until my youngest turns 18.
I do get to talk to my friends on a regular basis while living far away so I have that. And honestly living a good distance away from my family has been nice, when I go there I actually spend quality time instead of feeling like I have to be there just because I am told to be there.
I have also found a church here I love, something I could not of done back home (my parents are pretty controlling).
I feel like I am making a case to stay here, and I guess I am. I just do not like the thought of being stuck somewhere until my youngest turns 18.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Originally Posted by dandylion 
fortworthnative…...Yep.....that sure is fodder for you to bring up with your therapist...and, I am so glad that you are working with a therapist, now...!
here is my suggestion----think of what you will need for your life in terms of the next 5 yrs......10 years....in other words, your long term future....
What will be your needs is ALL areas of your life.....family life, financial life, professional life, romantic/intimacy needs....social needs and services ,for both you and the kids....
One unknown, as I see it---what if your husband does not ever seek the kind of life long recovery that you are wishing for....if he does progress, in his alcoholism....how do you know that he will be the responsible and participating co-parent that you would like for him to be. What I am saying, is that I would not give his convenience TOO much weight in your decision.
making....
I spent several years as a single parent...with little to no help from their father.
I found out that, as the kids got older....having the convenient services of a larger metropolis and the social life opportunities that it offers becomes very important.....
Your kids are still little...but, needs...theirs and your do evolve and change as the years go on....Also, consider that the kids grow up faster than you think...lol....and, they will not always be with you under the same roof.....
I know that you have a lot of thinking to do...this is just food for thought....
here is my suggestion----think of what you will need for your life in terms of the next 5 yrs......10 years....in other words, your long term future....
What will be your needs is ALL areas of your life.....family life, financial life, professional life, romantic/intimacy needs....social needs and services ,for both you and the kids....
One unknown, as I see it---what if your husband does not ever seek the kind of life long recovery that you are wishing for....if he does progress, in his alcoholism....how do you know that he will be the responsible and participating co-parent that you would like for him to be. What I am saying, is that I would not give his convenience TOO much weight in your decision.
making....
I spent several years as a single parent...with little to no help from their father.
I found out that, as the kids got older....having the convenient services of a larger metropolis and the social life opportunities that it offers becomes very important.....
Your kids are still little...but, needs...theirs and your do evolve and change as the years go on....Also, consider that the kids grow up faster than you think...lol....and, they will not always be with you under the same roof.....
I know that you have a lot of thinking to do...this is just food for thought....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fortworthnative…...Yes, having aging parents is another issue. I know, from experience, that it is very difficult and wrenching when older parents have health issues, etc, and one is far away.
If your parents are very controlling.....well----this might be another issue for you to deal with your therapist, about.....maybe, it is time to tighten up on your own boundaries, a bit more.....
LOl...I couldn't agree more...about being in that "magic area", with family....not too close---yet not too far...…
***another thing...in a small town....as a dingle woman....everybody knows your business. The grapevine grows like kudzu. (you can google kudzu---it is a southern thing, mostly)…..the privacy and autonomy of a larger area allows for more personal freedom and greater choice in social circles.....
If your parents are very controlling.....well----this might be another issue for you to deal with your therapist, about.....maybe, it is time to tighten up on your own boundaries, a bit more.....
LOl...I couldn't agree more...about being in that "magic area", with family....not too close---yet not too far...…
***another thing...in a small town....as a dingle woman....everybody knows your business. The grapevine grows like kudzu. (you can google kudzu---it is a southern thing, mostly)…..the privacy and autonomy of a larger area allows for more personal freedom and greater choice in social circles.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
You know how in AA they say don't make any big decisions for a year? I think that is a pretty good rule of thumb when going through anything big like this.
Assuming you do separate, none of these big questions need to be answered today or next week or 2 months from now. Assuming you can sort your living arrangements/financials out right where you are, perhaps that is where you should stay for now if it is comfortable for you.
No reason to be stuck at all, you can move when you like, children must go with you lol
Really what I'm saying is separation is a big enough decision for now. Perhaps where you live is secondary, for now, just choose whichever place would make you happier, for now.
Assuming you do separate, none of these big questions need to be answered today or next week or 2 months from now. Assuming you can sort your living arrangements/financials out right where you are, perhaps that is where you should stay for now if it is comfortable for you.
No reason to be stuck at all, you can move when you like, children must go with you lol
Really what I'm saying is separation is a big enough decision for now. Perhaps where you live is secondary, for now, just choose whichever place would make you happier, for now.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
One thought...you know, the ability to be of service, to contribute in a positive way and bring benefits to other children and families is an enormous talent and a gift to your community. I really hope you can appreciate yourself for this.
It seems like after too many years of being caught up in the addiction drama it becomes easy to devalue ourselves. We couldn’t fix the impossible, so nothing else is very valuable.
I am not concluding you’re in that mindset...I just hope you know how important what you’re contributing really is.
It might be easier in the short term to stay where you are and see how the divorce shakes out. He wouldn’t be the first to have hysterics at first about you moving “his” children away only to not seem to care at all a year or two later. Sometimes the path of least resistance makes sense.
You’re a smart cookie. Listen to your gut and remember that there are very few decisions that can’t be changed later on.*
*Except tattoos. Just sayin’.
It seems like after too many years of being caught up in the addiction drama it becomes easy to devalue ourselves. We couldn’t fix the impossible, so nothing else is very valuable.
I am not concluding you’re in that mindset...I just hope you know how important what you’re contributing really is.
It might be easier in the short term to stay where you are and see how the divorce shakes out. He wouldn’t be the first to have hysterics at first about you moving “his” children away only to not seem to care at all a year or two later. Sometimes the path of least resistance makes sense.
You’re a smart cookie. Listen to your gut and remember that there are very few decisions that can’t be changed later on.*
*Except tattoos. Just sayin’.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
